The Life and Times of Me

 I'm 73 today. My mother always taught me to "be a lady". But all I can think of is WTF???? Where the hell did my life go? My mother would have hated my select words. See? You never, ever forget your parents. They live in your brain, always talking, always reminding you of how they raised you.

I've been feeling sad lately. Milo's sudden death in January,  and my diagnosis of CLL,( a slow, not so serious form of luekemia) sort of did me in. Or did it just wake me up to the blatent fact that I realistically only have, at best, 10 or 15 years left of my life. 

My body has been talking to me as well. It's telling me it's definitely not a 50 year old body. Up until now, I've felt no more than 50-ish. But I also look in the mirror and am at peace ,(sort of) with what I see. I could even push it to say I'm happy with what I see. I'm very fortunate to be so healthy. And I actually think I'm good looking. So, today I'm 73. I'm sure when I turn 75 I'll look back at this and smile. Life has been good to me!  

When I was a kid, in the 70’s, I first heard the phrase "find youself". I had no idea what that even meant. You are what you are. Right? Hmmmm!!?? In church I was taught not to listen to your emotions, that they’re deceiving.  Any bad thoughts were of the devil. Praying and worshipping God was the answer to everything. 

Then as time passed,  I got married, became a mother twice, got very religious, and very fat. I didn't have time to think, to be introspective. All I had time for was my kids, church, my pets, my house and trying to keep the peace. That was the 80's. A blur of stuff building up, ready to explode. And it did just that. I like to say my life threw up in my face.

Of course time passes as it always does, and it doesn't slow down or even give you warnings. The 90's became my best, but one of the most difficult decades. It started one evening, as I was lying on the couch and I said, "I'm lost"! The words were from way down inside my soul, waiting to have permission to become verbal. They just fell out of my mouth, without said permission, and I felt like I was being animated. My husband, a little surprised,  asked "What did you say?". 

In the 90's I started thinking about myself. I started realizing there was an answer to "who am I". The words of Jesus, "love God first and love others as you love yourself" confirmed that I needed to know myself before I even could love myself, let alone love others. 

So, in the 90's I bacame an empty nester, I wasn’t sure about my marriage, I became spiritual rather than religious,  started drinking (I didn't really drink alcohol until I was in my 50's ),  lost over 50 pounds, and was in counseling with an amazing counselor.  It was all a sweet, scary  uphill struggle.  But I was learning to love myself. I made so many mistakes and apologized to some people, but God showed true graciousness.  Even my mother in law said I'd changed. My 50's were my best years. 

However, I need to mention my pets, particularly my dogs. Mike, Murray and Lexy. They traveled that decade with me and witnessed many arguments, rages, throwing things, breaking things, and sad, almost desperate tears of resignation.  They licked my tears away and let me know their love was unconditional.  I really regret what I put them through. It was now early 2000's.

When I was 59 we moved from my home of 20 years in the midwest to a city in the desert. It was exciting; a new beginning and at last I was at peace with me. 

In my 60's I lost Lexy and Murray and added Tasha, Milo and Rosco. Milo was my favorite. In my 60’s I retired.  And I'm proud to say that in my 60’s I still felt as beautiful and sexy as I did in my 50's. 

Today I'm 73. We still have Tasha, but we've lost Milo and Rosco. We added Enzo and Elliot. They brought life and joy back to me. Especially Elliot.  He was a stray, lost and on the euthanize list at the county shelter.  Miraculously we were able to adopt him. I truly believe Milo sent him. 

Rambling is one of my better qualities and I've done just that. But how can you be 73, trying to write about your life,  and not ramble??? The changes in life I've seen: presidents, technology,  style the internet and it's surge of information,  family, friends and pets who have died. There's just so much, isn't there?

Maybe instead of saying I'm sad, maybe nostalgic is a better word.  But I'm happy. I love being retired so much and my dogs are my hobby. 

So, that's it. I'm not sure what's ahead of me, but the truth is, there's more behind me thsn ahead. And I'm okay with that!

 I'm done with this virus.  Unbelievable that the year is over half finished and it's been focused on nothing but sickness. That sickness includes the sanity of trump and the people who support him. Going out of my house now is just a big deal and not worth it.  I don't get dressed up, I don't think about going for a drink with my husband, let alone going out to eat.  I am so over this.

Right now I'm sitting with three middle school boys who are doing their school online.  That's not what they signed up for, but that's just the way it is right now.  I am making sure they stay focused and do their work.  Not an easy task.  Just sayin'.  

I've also been  pretty apathetic.  My feelings are dull and calloused and I try to get lost in mindless tv shows or shopping.    I think it's okay with me for now, but the weird thing is, the other night I was listening to a mediation recording, and the guy said "time out of time" and I started crying.  Not a heavy duty cry, just a sort of weeping.  Where the tears came from, I don't know, but at least for a short amount of time, I felt something.  

Focus

Sunday, day whatever of trying to stay home.  

This morning however, my focus is not on the virus but on this election year. Maybe the two are interchangeable right now though.

In any case, I've started going down a rabbit hole of negativity and hopelessness about the future. Clearly, I need to make sure the state of the country is not a part of my happiness. 

I have let myself get caught up in social media's constant tsunami of hateful words, which of course affect one's psyche. It's difficult to change that but I'm starting to see it as a tool to help me change my thoughts, which eventually will contribute to changing me. 

I'm starting to realize that an important part of happiness is finding joy in the present moment. But my mind does a lot of time travel. For example, I wake up in the morning and almost immediately begin thinking about the day ahead. 

Ghosts of Self Past

Sitting here on a mattress in our once dining room I'm listening to an incredible cd my friend Jimmy made for me as a good-bye gift.  It's crazy the way he knows my taste in music.  I've always said music is my second language. I'm looking over at our once living room and although it's empty I see a lonely, lost woman who is separated from her husband of thirty years.  She realizes how much she still loves him no matter what he's done.  Perhaps God just gifted her with the realization that He put that unconditional love inside humans.  In any case, she realizes she wants him back.  He still loves her, comes over, and she sees him for the first time; again. 

I now see, instead of this mattress and box spring I'm sitting on, a room with a giant dining table. The lights are soft and gentle so everyone around the table looks beautiful, flawless. There are smiles on their faces and laughter echos as they chat and share.  In the corner by the table is a high chair with an adorable little boy, food all over his lovely little body, but crying for yet more cream.

Looking over by the white brick fireplace I see two adorable kids, a boy and girl, on Christmas Eve, adults are busy talking and drinking red wine and eating all sorts of delac. There's a fire in the fireplace and snow is on the ground outside..a lot of snow. 

Continue to rewind and I see a home filled with kids, teen kids.  It's New Years Eve 1999 and of course Prince is blaring on the stereo...yeah, you know what he's singing over and over; "1999"!  There's a ping pong table in the basement, kids there too....running through the house.  It's theirs for one night, to do what they want.  Guess what?  They didn't trash it. 

Memories flash before me as I stare at all the vacant spaces and empty walls.  But the walls have their own stories they can never really tell, unless of course you listen very, very hard and carefully. Then you'll hear, I promise.  This home has a life of it's own.  A little odd that it seems almost human.  Almost angel like.  It's taken lots of love and affection.  It's let me decorate her walls with whatever I wanted...and she was always grateful, always carried the fashions well....exceptionally well.  It's also been abused...walls hit out of anger...(oh don't act so shocked).  Doors slammed...But it always came back in a stunning and beautiful statement that said, "I still love you, I'll still make you feel as safe as possible." 

It's been said that home is where the heart is.  I'm leaving a bit of my heart here as I leave, sort of like a time capsule. 

 I think I have had writers block.  Actually I think I have had an "everything" block for a while.  You know, just surviving 2020. So, (deep sigh)where to begin.  And then there's the election, how about that??? Maybe start there.

Being the passionate person that I am, and a lot of people are just like me, I have been deeply affected by this election. As a matter of fact I have been deeply affected by the last four years in this country.  I believe I have watched it being taken over by a narcissist who caters to religious groups who want to legislate morality.  Now there ya go, that's a good topic.  

Lately I have been seriously thinking about the bible and how 'christians' believe they know it so well, about  how it is a book to live by. The bible is supposed to reveal a loving God who loves his children.  Yet there are so many questionable stories in the bible one wonders what sort of god is this god of the bible.  Take for instance the killing of all first born Egyptian boys in the book of Exodus.  God ordered it, God did it, and it was done.  Seriously? And yet Christians base their whole vote on which candidate will be against abortion.  "God hates the murder of innocent lives" they say, "you can't be a Christian and vote for someone who is pro-choice" they say.  The logic just isn't there or they justify it and say God can do what God wants to do.  His ways are higher than our ways yada yada.  

And then there's the story in Judges of how a concubine of a Levite was raped. This is an exert written by Hannah Wilkinson | November 28, 2018;

"A professor in my program recently assigned a reading and reflection on Judges 19, which recounts the rape, torture, and murder of an unnamed woman. The unnamed woman is identified as the concubine of a Levite guest staying at an old man’s home for a night. A mob arrives, demanding to rape the Levite guest, but the owner of the home intervenes. He offers up his daughter and the guest’s concubine to the angry crowd instead. They then rape and kill the unnamed woman.

Later, her “husband” cuts her body into twelve pieces and sends the pieces to the twelve tribes of Israel in order to highlight the atrocity."

How could a good god let that happen? It was an innocent life. According to bible believers, the bible is the infallible word of God.

Wednesday Night Musings

 Why is it that life can throw some hard punches when you least expect it?  I mean, it usually is when you least expect it right?

Without getting into the specifics, I'll just write.  It's not a punch to me, it's to someone I care about deeply.  The thing that makes it more difficult than if it had been me is that I have absolutely no control over this whole damn thing.  I can't fix it.

But I sit here and think melancholy thoughts about life and how fast it goes by. .  My grand daughter is going away to college, and a new grand daughter will enter this world in July.  A baby is born, and someone on the same day dies...I mean that's life, right? 

 Life and death.  We'd like some miracle to keep untimely losses from happening, but it doesn't happen, the miracle just doesn't happen.  Meanwhile someone is praising God for their miracle and someone else is devastated because what they knocked themselves out praying for,   didn't happen.  What's with that?  Some will say God is sovereign, but I don't buy that.  That makes no sense if God is supposed to be a loving god.

I have been deconstructing some very bad doctrine I've had most of my life.  But, I've been in the deconstructing mode of my faith for about twenty years now.  Maybe it's time to reconstruct.  Right after my dad died, I awoke one night to his voice.  Yep, that's right, I heard his voice with my ears. It was a little creepy.  Right after I woke up a sort of banner went across my mind, "Don't give up your faith, you're on the right track."  Funny, I thought I had arrived.  Since that night the questions haven't ceased. My theory is, if God is so powerful and loving, then God can handle my questions.  

I had a dream last night that I was travelling and lost my plane ticket. 

 Okay, so that's it for now.  At least I wrote this much.  2020 has been one hell of a year.  I wonder what 2021 is going to bring. 

"Celebrate we will, cause life is short but sweet for certain.

We climb on two by two 

to make sure these days continue." dmb

 Sitting alone in my wonderful home I can't help but write today. It's been a long time.  

So, the pandemic, Christmas time and yep, getting older.  People in my immediate family have tested positive, but they're getting through okay.  My daughter is pretty achy.  She is an animal about working out; very fit, very healthy, and yet she has it worse than the others.  Weird thing is that her whole family, other than her daughter, tested positive. Just a weird time, a crazy time.  

Usually at this time of year we get together with friends and people we haven't seen in a while. I miss the parties.  Although I'm very grateful for a beautiful home to isolate in, I'm still sad.  The realization that I'm not getting any younger is also weighing on me. I see every season, every day, every minute as time I need to cherish. I don't want to waste a minute because I know I won't see that minute again! Ever!

One of the things I'm so very grateful for is that we now have the fascist idiot out of office soon. I have tried not to give Agent Orange any more of my energy, but he really is trying to do as much damage as possible before he leaves. The worst part about these last four years is that it has separated me from the ones I love.  It's me, not them.   I just can't go along with their mindset which is actually a huge part of who they are. Don't get me wrong, I still love them but it would be like me proclaiming to be a satanist and them not trying to at least, convert me, let alone not having anything to do with me.  C'est la vie!

Always at this time of year my mind goes to people who are gone, people I've loved so very much.  When I was young Christmas wasn't nostalgic, it was exciting and joyous, not that it's NOT joyous now but there was no looking back, only forward. New beginnings.  Anyway this morning sitting up in bed drinking coffee and looking at the beautiful view, I saw two dogs that looked like my beloved Lexy.  Not two together, but one at one time, one a little while later.  My thought when I saw the first one was of course it made me think of her and walking with her on that hill Then, a few minutes later, someone else came along with another dog looking like Lexy.  It spurred me to wonder if it wasn't just a coincidence.  It made me feel her  presence.  There's a feeling  deep inside of me, maybe caused by a feeling outside of me, that I get.  Words are limited to convey what it actually feels like.  It's very 'other worldly'. I still feel it!  

Listening to Christmas music, the sun shining, the Christmas decor glistening, the dogs lying around me, it's good to be alive.  My grand daughter is coming over soon to stay in our casita while she is isolating. I'm glad I can provide  a place to stay where she doesn't have to wear a mask all day.  

I hope you all have a beautiful holiday, a healthy holiday, a holiday where you appreciate the gifts in life you normally take for granted.  And hey, let's do a big toast to 2021 and hope, pray, it isn't like 2020.