The Most Profound Spiritual Truth

It almost seems like I woke up one day and said, "Why am I old? Where did my dad go? Where did my mom go?  And who are these children who say they came from me?"  No, I'm not getting Alzheimers, at least I hope not.  I have been thinking and feeling lately, mostly feeling.  Once, a long time ago I was taught not to trust my feelings. I'm not so sure how great that instruction was.  I followed it though, and turned into a very jaded person believing  my feelings were a sort of enemy, something discipline could rule and control, if not destroy.



When I was a very little girl I had faith.  I would go to church and sit in awe of the mystery that I felt in the quiet of marble, carved images of the holy family with gleeming rings of gold around their heads, and large paintings of Jesus bloodied on the cross.







Later, after experiencing the death of a loved one, after letting life wear me down at  too young of an age, I was  told that, "God is good, all the time".  I so wanted to believe it! I would sing it, say it chant it.   I told myself over and over it was true.  But deep down in the secret places of my soul, the place where I crammed all those feelings I was advised not to trust, a cynical, old voice welled up and exclaimed with sarcasm, "Yeah, right!"  And the secret was out. The feelings that were trapped for decades escalated their way up the murky hallway of my heart and began crawling out. It wasn't pretty either.

At this point everything I came in contact with let me know it was time for change.  It was time to get really real!  As I started my ride an "aha" moment happened.  This quote says it:  For I do not do what I want to do, but the very thing I hate."  I was a Christian,  I knew that!  But the false security that I believed came with Christianity disappeared like pressing the delete button on a thousand page essay and losing all you had written.
  

To spare you  the gory details, let's just say I changed. Slowly.  I allowed my feelings their freedom (slowly) and my mind cooperated in accepting their messages.  With that, I realized I wasn't sure if God was so good after all.  Quite a heavy speculation since my faith was what I thought kept me from falling apart.  I gave up trying to hold on to security.  It was probably one of the scariest things I've ever done. However,  I did follow my belief that if truth is truth, nothing can destroy it. And truth is real.

At one point, I felt darkness enclosing me, starting to swallow me up.  It was really very odd and it's difficult to put into words.





 But if I wanted to embrace the truth, the truth about what I believed or didn't believe, I had to go to a very unfamiliar place, like it or not. What happened is that I realized, by going through a small, personal hell, God is indeed good.  It branded my soul with that truth.  I felt like and still feel like God has this integument over me; that he won't give up.  He will hang on to me....and he has.



“We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.” 
― T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets




It's been quite a ride, I must say, from the day that I let go and decided to listen to my feelings.  I have learned by  reading, praying and analyzing that love is the truth.  That God really IS love.

 So, back to the beginning of this whole blog..I've been thinking and feeling a lot lately.  Mostly feeling.  Nostalgic, sad, happy, a constant ebb and tide of processing life, love and truth.  Yes, I'm old-ish.  Yes, I'm on the top of the family ladder. But I still think of my mother, my father as if they were a phone call away.  Sometimes even I forget that my mother isn't here. That doesn't happen so often anymore.  I have no idea why I miss them more at certain times, but I do.  Holidays, the quiet moments of a beautiful, sunny day.  Sometimes it gets lonely here at the top of the family ladder, but c'est la vie.

 I think my biggest fear is that my children, my children's children, won't remember my parents. That their lives won't matter any more.  That my father was this charming, honest, opinionated man who made his way from the ghetto to a successful entrepreneur, singer and actor. I'm resentful that even now, my grandkids really don't know that my mother was one of the most loving, giving, encouraging women of all time. That without her who knows where I'd be. I see small glimpses of their lives fading into oblivion  like everyone else that has gone on before. They are shadows, slowly disappearing. And I'm not willing to let that happen, just yet.

I don't feel like this adult that I see in the mirror, I don't feel the passing of time.  Truth is, I am an adult and time waits for no one.


“This is the most profound spiritual truth I know: that even when we're most sure that love can't conquer all, it seems to anyway. It goes down into the rat hole with us, in the guise of our friends, and there it swells and comforts. It gives us second winds, third winds, hundredth winds.” 
― Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith

"Love anything and your heart will be broken...."

It's about 6 a.m. and it is another end to night.






 An end to a night where my best friend had to be carried down the steps, outside, to relieve herself. She is very disciplined.  Last night was good though.  I only had to wake with her once, and carry her once.  Her smile is fading, her back feet drag along the floor when she walks, and her spark is gone.  At least until her favorite food is about to be served.  She almost dances then.

It's not easy for me to see her go down hill. She's almost 16 and maybe even older. She came to me after two heartless, asinine "owners" abused her.  But that's another story and it's sad; I won't go there.  It's sad enough to see her like this.  Although I don't see her in pain, I don't think she's in pain other than maybe some arthritis.

As my husband gets ready to take the other two on their daily walk up the small mountain across the way, they are eager and waiting.  She walks around looking at him every now and then seeming a little confused. She stands still and just looks into the air.  I don't even know how well she sees now.  I do know she really can't hear.

I'm writing this just to let off some of the sadness I feel about my friend; about how death slowly takes us at times.
.




I guess it's better than taking us suddenly.

 My girl was there for me when all others were busy, not available, or just plain gone.  She was there looking at me with her black eyes, her white self, by my side.  But always looking at me.


As the other two run downstairs with my husband, she stands at the top of the steps contemplating whether she'll go down the very long, steep steps, and do what she had done for a couple years before.  Instead, she turns, comes back to the base of my bed and stands, looking nowhere . I remember when she used to run like the wind and leap like a Gazelle.

In a few minutes I'll start my day.  The good news is that I'll feed her plenty of gourmet food and that will make her happy, which will turn to contentment. At least I'm hoping.

This quote from CS Lewis is perfect for why I continue to love, although, in this life, the loves always have an end:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable . . . The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers . . . of love is Hell. (C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves)” 

In Honor, In Memory

I'm off work today to celebrate the birth of a great American: Martin Luther King, Jr.






As a young girl, I remember the news of how the "negroes" in the south were marching, and protesting.  Because I was so young, I only remember images on the television of people in the streets, fighting and having overall problems.




 I had no idea. The weird thing is that no one was talking about blacks being mistreated.  The press wasn't hiding it at this point, but they certainly didn't report the lynchings, the abuse and the harassing.  But by this time, they weren't able to look away.








 Of course it had been going on for years.



We all know that now, in retrospect.  Just like in World War 2, no one really knew the extent of the evil that went on Germany.  It was only until afterwards did the gory facts of torture in the holocaust come out. Same with the blacks in this country. Although the evil was done in many different ways, it was done.








 To this day it is painful for me to hear a black person tell of personal experiences with discrimination. To me, it was a holocaust of the soul; of the spirit.  I was watching a documentary where famous people were interviewed and had the opportunity to tell their story.  Sidney Poietier was a man of great honor, dignity and respect.  Yet because of his color, he was insulted and treated like a dog.  He recalled in the interview that at one point in his life he worked for a department store in Florida. He was making a delivery and knocked on the door. The woman opened the door and yelled at him angrily telling him he needed to go to the back door.  during the interview when he recalled incidences like these, he stopped, put his head down and teared up.  There were other testimonials like this that was terribly difficult to watch.

I hear a lot of people in my generation act as if it's all over, "they" have the right now to be equal.  "They" need to sort of pick "themselves" up, so to speak, and move on.  You know, take advantage of the opportunities "they" now have.   These same people post on holidays greetings and reminders of what the holiday is about and then something relevant to the holiday.  Not today, not this celebration.  Their lack of recognition yells to me a message of racism even today.  Racism is a word that people don't want to hear anymore. But it's still there.

HOWEVER....thanks to Martin Luther King, Jr, who died while on the mission of freedom, our country has come a long way.

Yet it still  bothers me to the core.  And that's what it takes for me to write...something that touches me deeply.  So there you have it.

I'm so happy Martin Luther King was born.  Without this Christian man, who knows what would have happened, or how long it would have taken.

Trying To Keep Up With Little Mary Sunshine

I'm wanting to check in a bit before I say good-night moon.  Writing consistently helps one's wheels of thought, imagination and feelings keep from getting rusty.  Even though rusty is pretty trendy these days.

It's so easy to be negative isn't it?  I've heard it once described as this metaphor: a positive person is up on a table trying to get the negative one up on the table with her.  Well, we all know gravity wants it's way and will not give up  easily.  So, you probably know too the rest of the story. If not, I'll fill you in:  It's easier to go down with someone than it is for you to try and pull that someone up with you.




Of course I usually get pretty annoyed with negative, complaining people and that is negative in itself. It sneaks in, all dressed in the disguise of being justified because of your desire to keep good thoughts flowing, and those nasty little thoughts will darken a really bright day. I totally relate to this quote by one of my favorite authors, Anne Lamott:

 "I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because it would make Jesus want to drink gin right out of the cat bowl."


I'm not saying to deny all sorts of issues that probably need to be dealt with.  It's about opening the eyes of your sleepy soul and being in the now.  As Louise Hay said, "It's very simple, but not so easy." It's about being grateful, it's about faith and believing that all things ARE really working together for your highest good.  Louise is really on to something when she always reminds us that we are what we think about.

Yep, my life on facebook.  Now that's just another story that isn't worth it right now. HOWEVER, it's inevitable that when I walk the virtual neighborhoods of that arena, I will, no doubt, find some stupid comment that trips me up.  Usually about politics, sometimes about God, but always negative, and arrogant.  Arrogance is "an exaggerated sense of one's own importance."  Or I'll see a picture of some ignorant asshole holding his latest kill of the day.  Usually a graceful deer, but sometimes a beautiful lion. Those are killers for me.  I have to work really hard before I go to bed to get those images out of my mind. They are disgustingly haunting.


I had a dream the other night.  I'm not so sure what it means but here it is:

I thought I was pregnant. It was crazy because I haven't been pregnant in years.  And fortunately, I'm past child bearing years.  But in the dream was that very real feeling of having to bring life into the world.  I was excited and fearful at the same time. Then it dawned on me that there was no way I could have this baby.  I was too old.  And I woke up.


Maybe it's about me trying to get that person inside of me up on the metaphorical table.  Who knows, but when it is obvious what it was about, I'll get back with you.

So, this is the end of the day.  January 14h, 2015 will never, ever be back again.  Once it's gone, it's gone.


And it's time for me to say....Goodnight moon!

Happy Happy 2015...With Much Love...no kidding! :-)

New Year's Day, 2015.  Geeeesh. I honestly thought seeing in the 2000's would have been something epic...a time where I would have been old and God knows what else.




 But that was back in the '70's.  Now it's 2015.  Two thousand fifteen!  WOW!  Here I am, in Phoenx, (although a cold Phoenix) and living a good life.  I feel so much younger than my 1970's memories saw me as in 2015.  A good life indeed!  I have made so many mistakes, so many regrets, but in actual fact, I have experienced a lot of life.  A lot of love, a lot of precious memories.  Also, a lot of not so good memories.  I try to not bring them up, but they are all a part of what makes my life what it is.





I have loved and lost...but that's life isn't it?  The losses as well as the gains?  Because life is unpredictable I'm not sure what this year holds, but as of now, one of my very best friends ever just may not make to the next new year's day.  I try not to think about it a lot, but when I realize her legs are giving way, then it becomes a hard, fast reality.  She's confused and has this blank look on her face when I move her to face me rather than the wall. She has been there for me in so many difficult times of my life.  That is the type of friend who becomes a soul mate.




Other than my human loves, she is the love of my life...for this time anyway.

I will move on.  It's new year's day and it's been a lazy one.  Nice and lazy.  Laying around, playing on the internet neighborhood, and nursing my sore throat.  Life is good.  Life is real.  I am accepting.  I have learned so much in the last few years.  I have learned so many tools that will help this idealistic soul cope with living in an imperfect world.  I have learned to know who my true friends are.  They are not necessarily old friends..they are the 'connection' friends.  You know the type...soul connections.  I reconnected with a friend I hadn't seen in over 30 years this last month.  It was so good seeing him. An immediate familiarity was resurrected.  There is a type of warmth, a type of "oldness" that has existed seemingly forever which was felt; by me anyway.  I think I'd be safe to assume by him as well.

I have learned that I alone am responsible for my own happiness.



Such a huge lesson.  I have learned to accept me for what I am, what I will be, and what I was.  But I have also been able to see the past me in a different light.  It's all good!



These past few years have been so good to me, but they were not free.  The cost was gong deep into the questions of my soul and facing them not as the enemy, but as a fact. A fact that there really are questions, there really are uncertainties.  At the same time, they are not something that I want to get lost in.



I don't  want to get lost anywhere.

Years ago I remember sitting on my couch and saying, out of the blue....no kidding...it surprised me as much as anyone...but I said out loud, "I am lost."  I mean really? I was watching some tv show. some mindless tv show and not really watching. But this person from deep in my soul basically said that she was tired of being ignored.  She said to me, out of my own mouth, "I am lost."  My husband acted a little surprised.  ""What did you say?"....and I was dumbfounded, but honest...."I said I'm lost."  And that was that.  I don't even think there was a discussion. But the journey that followed was a journey that dwarfed Narnia.



 At least in my little life.


And so it goes.  Here I am, 2015.  So many years later.  I believe God is love.  I believe that Jesus is real and that HE is alive and well on planet earth.  I believe that Jesus IS God.  I believe the kingdom of heaven is within us...like HE said. And yes, I really do believe love will conquer all.

So, with that...here ends this little blog; until next time.  I love you all.  No kidding.  I really do.  Peace to you!

Here's To The New Year!!

Soon it will be 2015.  The new year brings so many hopes, new beginnings and promises we make to ourselves.  However, I see it's mainly about hope; for me anyway.  Hope for another chance, hope for another dream to become a reality, hope for miracles. I love miracles.  Even the ones that find me a parking space when there seems to be none to be found. I love them!

I've had a lot of free time the past week or so.  It feels good to just sit, maybe get up and clean a bit, sit again, play on the computer, check people's lives out on facebook, watch hgtv  over and over and of course, Millionaire Matchmaker.  For some reason this holiday has not been the heavy, intense looking back at my past, keeping in mind spirituality is 'supposed' to be at the forefront of my existence, type holiday. I am however,  grateful for how rich I really am in the big picture of life.  Don't get me wrong; I do think on those aspects...a lot. But it's really nice to space out and be a mouth breather for a while.

Getting back to hopes, dreams and all that other stuff.





 At my age, I still feel there is so much ahead of me although I realize just how fragile life can be. I ended the year being able to do what I have dreamed of doing for the past four or five years now; decorating someone else's home and actually getting real money for the endeavor.  My client was the sweetest young lady, (Meaning she was about my daughter's age.) who is busy with four kids and a huge, relatively new, home.  I was in heaven when I saw her home.  I was in heaven, even feeling high, when I was able to put all of my ideas into realities.  In the end, she was very happy with my work, and I was very appreciative of her trust in my decisions.  And her home?  It came to life with a warm smile of gratefulness .

When I do things like this it's truly like objects have their own soul.





 I refinished an old cabinet for her and as one step after another made it closer to the finishing product,




 I felt  it coming to life; being grateful that I hadn't given up hope in it's potential.  I felt it saying  it wanted another chance at beauty, at life, at a home to shine in. And I gave it that chance.






 It sure proved to be worth it as the cabinet is now sitting in an honored, special place in their huge entryway.  Happy ending.



So, for Christmas my husband gave me a 'website'. Yep, that's right! A website all my own.  It's called SpaceSweetSpace.com.  At least I think that's the way it's supposed to be typed into the search engine. No, I haven't even built it yet, it's waiting to be birthed.  Wish me luck on that!  Thus begins my journey into 2015.  Hopes and dreams of doing what I want to do AND just maybe, hopefully, getting paid....getting paid well.  (The doubter in me just wonders on that one...but hey, anything's possible.)

I suppose I should get out all my self help books, all of my inspirational 'you can do it' books and just cover myself in encouragement and positive framing.  I probably will do just that, after this one last episode of Millionaire Matchmaker.

Yet again, always again, I digress.  The future.  Hopes and dreams.  Love and beauty.  Relationships and life.





That's what it's all about. I have no idea what the new year holds.  Life has been pretty wonderful the last few years.  No drama, just a great life in the sun, never too cold, never too hot. I'm looking forward to another year like this one, only with one new addition:  Space Sweet Space.  It will not be the norm, it will not follow the rules, it will be amazingly beautiful.


Here's to you and your dreams.  I'll lift a glass to all who read this, and I'll hope, dream, and pray all your happiness comes true this year.  love!

Ode to My Daughter

Last night at a party I was talking to a mutual friend of our daughter's and ours. My daughter used to train at the gym I go to and this friend took her classes. He told me how he missed her, how there is no one like her, etc. etc.  As I listened something remarkable happened.  I suddenly started seeing her not as my daughter but as a woman in her own right.






The friend proceeded to tell me about how strong she is, about what a presence she has.  He told me when she walks into a room, everyone knows she's there.



Yes, my daughter. A quietly powerful woman who changes the atmosphere of a room for the better....always for the better.  Gracious, elegant, sophisticated and wise.

If you have a grown daughter you may get what I'm writing about.  I've watched her grow, but  never was able to step back, take off my "mother" hat and see her as someone I've just met. Last night I had the "ah ha" moment, last night it happened.  In some odd way, my momma hat blew off and there she was, in my mind, unattached to me.  I like her a lot!

The strange thing about this whole new perspective is now I see this strong woman, yet I switch to another scene.  She is lying in her newborn aquarium  (that's sure what it looked like to me as they were taking me to recovery after an emergency c-section done under general anesthetic )  They stopped in the hallway and rolled up  a little glass container where my new baby lay.  It looked like a tv screen with a tiny, fragile, porcelain human type doll  with the most amazing eyes.  Piercing eyes.  They looked straight into my soul, and mine into hers.  For the first time I felt what truly is unconditional, pure love.  Never before had I experienced such a powerfully deep force.  And of course, I teared up.   That moment was seared to my soul.  I'll never forget it....It's like it was just yesterday it's so clear!



As a mother I have so many regrets.  I still do.  Not standing up for her enough, not cuddling her 24 hours a day, you know, the same old stuff that can keep your mind from thinking about the weather when it's 3 a.m. and you've had too much coffee that day.  But I want this to be about her, not me. I digress.

Back to my girl, now beautiful woman.  This friend from our party last night talked about how he misses her  and I could tell he was sincere.  So many people say the same thing. I see they're not just saying it because that's what you say when someone says goodbye.  It's been a while since she's been gone and they still tell me the same thing.  We have a trainer who's taken her place and what is said when they talk about my girl;   "Yes, the new guy is nice, he's a good trainer, but he's not Shauna."

She is now in the ranks of the underpaid,  under appreciated teachers dealing with our country's greatest natural resource, children.  This is what she was meant to do...at least for now.  Her passion is evident when I hear her talk about experiences with  the students.  Her love, compassion and wisdom  follow her around like the sun would if it were never to set and there wasn't  a cloud in the sky.




 In her personal life, she juggles three kids, a husband, a dog, a cat and a home.





 Something I know I could never do without being a grouchy bitch.  She takes it in stride and deals with all of the rocky places with grace. She, of course, won't see it that way. Maybe someday she will...I hope so.









She is determined, sassy, beautiful, and chooses her words carefully. But when she finally does speak, she means what she says.  She's to the point, firm, and all done with a beautiful  smile..




So, I'm talking about my little girl here.  This baby I brought into the world those years ago when I was just a young thing myself.  Now, she has her own girl to ponder , to love, to watch grow, to someday write about.








 (Did I mention what an amazing writer she is?)







It brings to mind the song GiGi. I'll change the words a little, but the sentiment is there, in me.

Getting older, it is true
which is what they always dotill that unexpected hourwhen they blossom like a flower! But...but,There's sweeter music when she speaksIsn't there?Could I be wrong?Could it be so?Oh where, oh wheredid that little girl go? Am I a fool without a mindOr have I merely been too blind to realise
You're not at all
That funny, awkward little girl, I knew
Oh no! Over night there's been a breathless change in you While you were trembling on the brink
was I out yonder somewhere blinking at a star?
Have I been standing up too close
or back too far?
When did your sparkle turn to fire?
And your warmth become desire?
Oh what miracle has made you the way you are?

Why you've been growing up before my very eyes