For You Ed! You Will Be Missed!

It's early morning, Friday.  I just got back from the gym, suns up, birds singing. A new day.  However, the text I received last night from a former student's father takes me back and causes me to leave the moment and go back.

Ed walked into the center where I was a site coordinator and was open to being a part of our little school community.  Students who would choose online school had the opportunity to come to me and do their work; more structure and I was there to help them stay on task.  He was smallish, long, light brown hair, glasses. He settled in and soon I learned how brilliant he was.  His ability to think and problem solve was incredible and his vocabulary far surpassed mine.  Ed was an old soul in a young, fifteen year old body.  Some days he would come in early and talk.  He would tell me his problems, his dreams, so much.




Ed was a spitfire and in my opinion, was almost too intelligent.  He had the emotions and body of a young teen, but the mind of someone far older than his age.  I tried to tell him that love was the only answer when he would tell me things that annoyed him.  And he always remembered.  I told him if he didn't remember anything else, remember this; always move towards love.

He was at the site for about two years.  I liked to say that I didn't have any favorites, but if I did.......

I have since switched jobs and am not there anymore.  The site was closed.  About a month ago I received a text from Ed's father saying that Ed said hi.  It also said he had a girlfriend.  I hadn't heard from Ed in about a year.  Then last night, his father's text said that Ed was found dead on Saturday night, a gunshot wound to the head.






All I could do was sit and stare, cry a little and then say, "damn it Ed."  I don't know why I said it, but I did. On the way to the gym and on the way home I thought of conversations, good times at the site and just little, day to day things about him.  Death is so final.  It hurts the ones who are left behind and changes their lives forever. I just can't imagine what his parents are going through, and the long journey of grief they have ahead of them.  I just hope that wherever Ed is, he finds peace.  He had so much promise here. I will greatly miss him, his wit, and his golden heart.

Feeling Is Believing

The reason I celebrate Easter is to commemorate the fact that Jesus, his physical body and everything else, came back from death.






 It has always been my favorite celebration. It's one of the reasons I chose to follow Him those many years ago; and still is a huge reason I continue to choose Him.

I went to church today. I've been taking a break from going, and when they started singing, I felt like I was home.  I love music, not the traditional hymns, but newer ones.  Our church has an amazing band and singing team, I always get lost in the feeling of love, of focusing on Jesus as a person; what He did for me.


Music gives me a break from my mind and helps me delve into my soul.  And today the music took me there.  It's hard to put into words, but in spite of what politics and western society has done to Jesus and His teachings, I still call myself a follower.  And am proud and humbled at the same time to be a follower.

Looking at the origins of Easter, it actually wasn't a 'Christian Holiday' to begin with.  There's a lot of information out there and frankly, it would be too boring to turn this into a research paper, but just let me say this: I use Easter to celebrate Christ coming back from the dead.  Because of that, I find it difficult, even if I observed the Pagan version, to go out and buy gifts for the children in my life.  It seems it's getting more and more popular to do that. I see no purpose in it.  I'll do the Easter Basket thing.  Actually, I put them together usually the night  before Easter and then at our family get together, I give them to my grandkids.

However to me, at church, I felt a very sobering presence; an other worldly type feeling.





 It was good! It caused my mind to focus on God...Such a big word, such a big name!!





The mind and God just don't mix too well in my book, in my world.  I know there are people who love the theology and can discuss and , or debate the teachings of Christ and of the bible. Trust me, I know people who can rattle off bible verses to explain anything they want to explain.  But me?  I would rather absorb and appreciate the mystery. The mystery of how me, a human of the 21st century, feels connected with a dead person who claims to have come back from the dead.  I feel Him, just like I sometimes feel my dead father, or mother, or my young, dead boyfriend.  I feel Jesus, even though I've never physically met Him...I feel Him.

Today at church I felt Him.  I also felt the 'great cloud of witnesses' too....the other dead people I've known and loved but who didn't claim to physically come back.






 Which is neither here nor there about what they did or didn't claim. But what they all have in common on a personal level, is that they all claimed to have loved me.  And I feel them.  That is, indeed, a mystery.  Because of Jesus, death has lost it's sting.  That's enough for me.

"If we find ourselves with desires that nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world."  c.s. lewis


Happy Easter to you all.

The Things You Wish You Knew Earlier

Sitting here on a Saturday morning chillin'.  Dogs are at dog park and I'm enjoying the quiet! As I do , I am also enjoying one of my favorite things, reading quotes.  One of the best pieces I've every read (and heard, it's on a video) is "Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen".  Reading some of the quotes there brought up nostalgia and warm feelings.




 "Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good." That, in particular, pulled at my heart strings.



  My father died when he was a year younger than I am now. A massive heart attack. A few hours later he was gone.  In the ambulance on the way to the hospital he told the MT guy, "I think this is it for me.'  I think about his last few minutes so often. He was very strong, stubborn, charismatic, opinionated and straight to the point.  I admired his ethics. I admired the fact that he was a true believer and achiever of the American Dream. He built something out of nothing.  Life is never the same after someone that influential in your life is no longer around. At least not around physically. On a rare occasion I can almost feel him.



My mother died ten years later.  A couple of days after she died we all received little cards in the mail telling us she loved us.  Most everything I know about how to love well I learned from her.   She was a great listener.  I would sit for hours and talk about things.  She listened.  I loved telling her about the song lyrics that meant so much to me. She listened. I would tell her about boyfriends, friends, most anything.   But there were a few times I listened to her.  She had a couple of boyfriends.  There were men interested in her, they just fed her ego, which in my opinion, is awesome.  I listened to stories about what a rebel she was. You wouldn't have known it. She had morals that caused her a lot of pain later in life. Thinking things should be a certain way.  I blame that on religion, not truth; But inside she was a rebel who always questioned.  That's why this beautiful, sweet little Catholic girl ran away to Chicago, worked at a radio station and found her future husband.  A Jewish guy.  Catholics weren't supposed to marry Jews. And of course, even more so, Jews were not to marry Catholics.  Religion can really screw people up!!!


I really didn't get to know my parents the way I wish I would have now.  I miss them every day.  The pain is sort of gone, but the emptiness never leaves.  It's something you get used to. It's just a part of life.




 I wish my parents could see my new grandson.  Yet I think they do.  Not sure, but probably.




Nostalgia and memories......sweet!



Another quote that is probably the best advice I've ever heard is, "Keep your old love letters. Throw away your bank statements."  Of course I didn't.  I had kept one.  It was from my young boyfriend.  He died at 18.  And his words meant the world to me. Especially later in life.  He signed it, "No matter what happens, I will always love you." I even made a photo copy of that letter. After moving from one state to another, I finally lost it.  I wish I still had it.





 Ahhhhh youth.

Nostalgia.  Nothing beats it.  Tonight, where ever you are, have a glass of red with me, watch the video below,  and toast to good advice and nostalgia.


https://youtu.be/xavFb4WH7o0

Copy and paste in the address bar....It's totally worth the time and effort.

Is It Still A Man's World?

I've been married forty years. When we were first married I remember my husband saying something to the effect that if I ever "went back to work"  (Really?  As if raising a child and managing a household wasn't work.)he would do his share to help out. Trouble is, that his "share" was never defined.  But my share was already defined, without words, by our society.  As  I understood it, my "job" was to make sure the house was clean and organized, the children were well fed, as well as the husband, and the  bills were paid.

I'm an empty nester now so in my world, I feel the pressure is off.  However, I"m really hoping the world has changed....but I don't think it's changed much.  My daughter who is a full time teacher, trying to change the world, one child at a time, and also a full time mother of three, has had a mini crisis. Not a biggie, but it's the little foxes that will spoil the whole vine.  A thought crossed my mind today, "Go do  surprise cleaning and laundry for your daughter."  What a  thought!  And seriously, I really like to clean.  Today I wanted to concentrate on laundry as well.  I wanted her to come home and see that she has nothing to do this weekend other than attend her sons sports events. So I worked my ass off cleaning and doing laundry and loving every minute of it.

But the idea remains....why aren't men more involved? Don't they mind living in disorganization and filth? They don't mind their urine on the rim of the toilet?  Or has it been taken care of  for them for so many centuries that they just don't get it? Is it still a mans world?  I remember as a young bride reading books on how to make your husband happy.  One of the ideas was to wrap yourself in plastic, totally naked, other than the plastic wrap, and greet him at the door. I think the name of the book was, "Fascinating Womanhood". Really???

Okay, well, it's  a Saturday night and the cool desert air is refreshing. I'm alone other than my faithful dogs. It's been a great day. I loved seeing my daugher's expression when she realized there wasn't much to do at home for her this weekend.  Apparently my love language is acts of service.  I love giving, and it satisfies me every time to see the joy in my kids face when I help them out.

But back to the point. It can't be a man's world. We will fail if it is.  So men, if you haven't already, do your fair share and make it work.

That's Amore

ro·mance

rōˈmans,ˈrōˌmans/

noun

1. 1.

   a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love.

Ah romance. the joy of it...the aliveness of it...the fleeting glory of it. 

Why does it always seem to be for the young?  It's an odd thing it is. I was captured and frozen in the idea of romance at a young age; eighteen to be exact. Fortunately I was able to find my way out of the dream in my late forties. But it was too late.

 I'm still fascinated, and sometimes love songs, sad love songs especially, make me come alive.  

There is something about feeling attractive and lovable again.  I've been married for forty years, but I must say that when an attractive man takes a second look and smiles, I walk away feeling young again, like I'm sixteen again.  "I've still got it!" is what I think. As egotistical and vain as it is, it's the truth.  

Ahhh romance.  It's confusing, sentimental and emotional, but I love it.  Not just romance with the opposite sex, but romance with life. Romance with the ups and downs, the drama and the quiet times; that's what causes me to feel this mystery that is associated with love.  And indeed, it is a mystery that I can't put into words. 

But by far, the most intense example of romance is between two humans who have an emotional, psychological, and sexual bond with each other.  Sometimes, when we have been married for years we forget that romance is still alive and well. Unfortunately, it seems the only time we remember is when we have lost our love. I wish it were different.

Please, if you have read this far, watch the video.If you've seen it before, again, please, watch it again. And here's to the romance of your life.  Long live love! 

My Age Old Battle

Why is it that negative feelings inspire me to write more than positive ones?  Geeeesh.  I've been here before.  Yep, it's about weight. I'm discouraged and feel defeated. I think I have this eating addiction.  I mean, it's not like I'm really hungry. Maybe it's also an age thing.  I work my ass off at the gym about three times a week; not bad for a woman in her 60's. I'm just getting tired of it.  It does keep me healthy, but you would think it would help me stay trim and slim.  Nope, the only thing that will do that is not eating as much.  If I listened to my gut, that inner voice in me that is never wrong, I'd be okay. But gluttony and perhaps boredom step in and alas, I've lost.  I actually don't ever remember a time in my life where I haven't battled my appetite.  And yes, it's not the weight that is the issue, that's the symptom, it's the appetite.

You would think at my age it wouldn't matter and I'd just pack it in and give up.  But I was fat once; really fat. And I was more miserable than I've ever been in my entire life.  I was lost and my personality changed to make up for the unhealthy state I was in.  It was about twenty years ago that I decided to get rid of the weight. I did it however I could.  But I did it; eventually.  And now it's slowly coming back on and I am petrified. I don't ever, ever want to lose myself like that again.

I realize that putting my thoughts and feelings "out there" is allowing myself to be judged, and that's okay.  But I have to write about this.  If you have never been fat or even had a huge battle with your appetite, then just quit reading now. You won't get it.  I can't even imagine how free it would feel not to think about it so much, to dwell on it or even feel it in my body.But I bet it's an amazing freedom.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not miserable all the time. Believe it or not, after I do work out, I feel invigorated, alive and healthy. For the last week I've done nothing but sleep, eat and feel awful. I've had the flu and it's really knocked me down this year.  So much for the flu shot!

No purpose for this blog other than venting.  I know, I know, things could be so much worse. I have a friend who is fighting cancer. It seems so selfish for me to complain about eating too much.  I'm grateful for my life, for my health and for the riches that I have been blessed with. But tonight, I'm venting.

I Wanna Pack My Bags and Take a Boat to The End of The World

I have this uncanny ability to know when something bleak is going to happen. As you can imagine, it's not a competency that I enjoy or welcome.






 My heart has been heavy ever since the election.






Even in my own personal life things have been a little bit of a struggle from a first world perspective.  But the atmosphere in our country is more disturbing; it's darker than I've felt for a long time.




 I'm trying to keep my head above the proverbial tumultuous waters of our time.  It feels like the Viet Nam era where controversy and borderline despondency was felt all the time; every time you turned on the news.



Some however, are celebrating the fact that Obama is no longer in power, and the same group of people are enthusiastic and hopeful of....of.....honestly, I'm not sure what they are hopeful for with this administration.  Perhaps they think we will soon have a financially profitable America that will take them back to a seemingly more prosperous time.  Maybe it's the Christian Right that seems to think that if we ban abortion, ban same sex marriages and ban anything else they perceive as immoral,  God will bless America.  Maybe they're jubilant because they feel if we shut our doors to the tired, the hungry and poor we will be a safer nation, a more prosperous nation.



The trouble is that I do have an idea why some are pleased Trump is our new leader and they are all listed above.  Elections and new presidents are not supposed to divide families and friends, but it does.  It has.    But I have to say the division is on the opposition as well. Not seeing that this man is closing doors, building walls, and promoting hate is incomprehensible.  As a Christian I believe closing our doors to the type of people this new administration is singling out is hard- hearted and detached from anything Christ taught.

What do I want to do?





 I wanna  "pack my bags and get a boat to the end of the world" .  I love that Dave always has  a song that will sing my soul's inaudible words.