Back to the Sixties In One Song....What a Trip!

Awake at 4 a.m. to try and  beat time, to try and beat dying really.  Yeah, I did the 5:30 a.m. spinning class.  The instructor is fantastic and always has great music to help with the pain the class brings me. All joking aside, a song came on that's one of my favorites, so I closed my eyes while my little feet peddled as fast as this old girl could go. Eerily, the song took me back to my youth. 



 There's a line that I've heard before, but this time it triggered a very clear idea that I was being taken back even deeper into another time and another place:

 In winter of 1963
It felt like the world would freeze
With John F. Kennedy
And The Beatles.

In a moment my mind, my heart, and maybe something else that I can't quite put my finger on, went back to those teen age days. 

 Life was so different then, I smoked, most people did,  I didn't drink, I cussed a lot, still do, and even though I had very little confidence, looking back, I was a pistol.  

My best friend Carol and I 'snuck out' once.  We decided to get a bottle of beer...yep, one bottle, and head downtown. We headed out on foot and stopped along the way, crept under a bush and opened the glass bottle.  We wound up breaking it because we forgot to bring an opener. So much for the drinking. But we did finally make it to the weekly dance . 

A young girl and her boyfriend; her boyfriend who had the biggest most beautiful blue eyes you'd ever see.  Yep, she was me.  And yes, I had a real boyfriend with those amazing eyes.

As I sat on the spinning bike, peddling, sweat pouring down, I didn't feel like it was an effort as I listened to that song. Another memory popped in my mind like a fish jumping out of water. My boyfriend and I eating fried chicken and smoking cigarettes in his car in the park while skipping school.  Clear as day.

A Salvation Army Band played
And Children drunk lemonade
And the morning lasted all day,
All day
And through an open window came
Like Sinatra in a younger day,

                             I fell in love with him. 

We went to two proms together, but he'd only slow dance with me. 

We skipped school a lot and spent time in the country playing on hills near his grandfather's farm.  The longer we dated it seemed the more addicted we were to each other.  But we argued in the end, A lot.  Until finally one night I told him I never wanted to see him again. Two days later he was out running around, and the jeep his friend was driving  flipped. They both were killed.  

The evening had turned to rain
Watch the water roll down the drain,
As we followed him down
To the station
And though he never would wave goodbye
You could see it written in his eyes
As the train pulled out of sight

That was September, 1969. By that time, Kennedy was dead, both of them, and Martin Luther King was shot too.  There were more things to think about now other than getting caught skipping school. My adult life was just beginning, but so many other things had ended. The '60's were over, so was a huge part of my youth.  

But that song took me back. It's incredible how music does that; it does so many things don't you think? For me to be transported to all those years ago.....That beautiful song has haunted me all day long. I haven't blogged in a while, but there ya have it. That song!  

Take it easy on yourself.

A Waste of Time

It's an extremely hot Sunday, and I have just showered to get rid of fiberglass and itchy whatever all over my body.  I hate to say this, but I was wrong...I expected too much...and I don't know what the hell I'm doing.  I thought that having a raised ceiling in our little casita would be amazingly wonderful, light, airy and attract even more customers to our little airbnb business.  It really was a great idea....IF we wanted to spend approximately 18k doing this. We thought we could do it for under a thousand.  Little did we know; literally, we had no clue.  One of the things I said to my husband before we started is that we know for sure we will encounter unexpected problems, so let's brace ourselves.  But this problem was bigger than I ever could imagine.

No, I'm not getting into the specifics; I've already wasted enough time, energy and money on this failed project.  I will say though, it is a humbling lesson.  Yet what lesson do I need to learn?  That I can't do this anymore, like when I was young?

So, the ceiling is staying at the same height, but will be bead board.  That's it. We could have put bead board in without tearing the old ceiling and insulation out, but...well... we did tear it out.  I just finished the harrowing task of helping my husband put the insulation in. It was hot as hell in our little casita; wearing masks, and totally trying to cover our bodies made for a sweat house for sure.  The insulation is in, and we have yet to put the bead board on.  Wish us luck.

God Bless America

Most who know me know that I almost went into a severe depression this last election.  I couldn't believe that someone like Mr. Trump was elected by Americans, my peers, my fellow citizens. But the fact is, he was.  Why? Well, maybe I'll talk about that later but now, I want to vent my view of both parties and why we're all losing .  Both parties are being manipulated to drive America apart and for sure, that will be our downfall.  I know, I know, opinions are like.....well....truly?  They're like assholes, everyone has one.  So here's mine; all of us, no matter what your political affiliation, should put issues aside and concentrate on unity being the number one item of importance.  Why has this not been done?  I won't even go there now....that would certainly be a book of many pages. .

I lean more on the side of the liberals because honestly, that's where I see the most compassion, that's where I see the concept of caring for others, and that's where I see putting your money where your mouth is when it comes to the idea of loving others. I'm beginning to believe that even compassion and caring are tools used to manipulate the masses towards supporting a particular person into power. Obviously!  And of course it's ALL about ego and money, not the welfare and unity of us, the little people, or people terribly underprivileged, or people who are not Americans.   So be it.  The republicans seem to have a thin veneer of some sort of perverted moral pretense.  Politicians use the illusion that the money we earn is really ours to hoard however we want and keep it; you made it, don't let the government take it from you. And yep, so be it.

I went to a high school graduation the other night.  The two talks I heard by two different students actually gave me hope in our future. I hate to tell you, but the American dream is not really a dream if others go hungry or homeless, or have no support towards independence.  And from what I heard, these kids see that and are on the right track.  One student spoke,  and what I heard more than anything was how we are to be grateful for a roof over our heads and clean running water coming from our faucets. Sure we all say we are, okay, then why get so upset when the lawn mower doesn't work, or some other first world problem.

People my age are filled with ego and silly opinions that encourage division. Sorry, one visit to facebook and that's what I see. I'm not excluding myself.  I'm trying very hard to get away from that in my own life. It's difficult!  But it's troublesome when I hear people say things about the poor. Things like, "Well, they just need to get a job."  Easy to say when you've been in a little white bubble all  your life.  And these same people... I have not once seen them suffer from poverty. I don't mean themselves being without, I mean experiencing for a year or so living or working or just visiting 'the other side of the tracks and becoming one of under privileged, or mentally ill.


Then you have the liberals..maybe seemingly filled with compassion, but could care less about unity. It's truly like an evangelical religion.  A "we are right because we care and want to save the world" attitude. And to me that is truly a cancer in the development of peace.  It seems right of course, but the silly, pseudo intellectual hate I see posted on facebook and spoken about in conversations is toxic. AND, if they get their way, if someone is elected that they totally agree with, then of course, the hate will spew from the other side; the conservatives.

So what's the answer?  I wish I knew. But for a start, we need to try and open our minds for the good of our country. Maybe open discussions without the ego?  In any case, I do hope the future generations will learn from our, my generation's ignorance and insecurities.

I am a high school adviser for a virtual school. I had a student that transferred from Viet Nam to an international high school in Arizona.  He was diagnosed with cancer in October. He signed up for our online school so that he would be able to continue his education while undergoing chemo.   I went to visit him and his mother who were living at the Ronald McDonald one day and had a great visit. I asked him why he chose the United States out of all other countries. He said because in the United States there really is the freedom to become what you want, to do what you want and express yourself however you want.  Needless to say he made me think and his comments helped me to still be grateful for our country.

The last communication I had was when his father wrote and said that the doctors were doing all they could to save him but it didn't look good.  I haven't heard from them and when I tried to call, I was unsuccessful and there was not voicemail set up yet. Not a good sign.  I'm still hoping for the best, but still, not a good sign.

Is our country like this amazing, brilliant student?  Do we have a political form of cancer that is killing us?  You decide, you always do.

For You Ed! You Will Be Missed!

It's early morning, Friday.  I just got back from the gym, suns up, birds singing. A new day.  However, the text I received last night from a former student's father takes me back and causes me to leave the moment and go back.

Ed walked into the center where I was a site coordinator and was open to being a part of our little school community.  Students who would choose online school had the opportunity to come to me and do their work; more structure and I was there to help them stay on task.  He was smallish, long, light brown hair, glasses. He settled in and soon I learned how brilliant he was.  His ability to think and problem solve was incredible and his vocabulary far surpassed mine.  Ed was an old soul in a young, fifteen year old body.  Some days he would come in early and talk.  He would tell me his problems, his dreams, so much.




Ed was a spitfire and in my opinion, was almost too intelligent.  He had the emotions and body of a young teen, but the mind of someone far older than his age.  I tried to tell him that love was the only answer when he would tell me things that annoyed him.  And he always remembered.  I told him if he didn't remember anything else, remember this; always move towards love.

He was at the site for about two years.  I liked to say that I didn't have any favorites, but if I did.......

I have since switched jobs and am not there anymore.  The site was closed.  About a month ago I received a text from Ed's father saying that Ed said hi.  It also said he had a girlfriend.  I hadn't heard from Ed in about a year.  Then last night, his father's text said that Ed was found dead on Saturday night, a gunshot wound to the head.






All I could do was sit and stare, cry a little and then say, "damn it Ed."  I don't know why I said it, but I did. On the way to the gym and on the way home I thought of conversations, good times at the site and just little, day to day things about him.  Death is so final.  It hurts the ones who are left behind and changes their lives forever. I just can't imagine what his parents are going through, and the long journey of grief they have ahead of them.  I just hope that wherever Ed is, he finds peace.  He had so much promise here. I will greatly miss him, his wit, and his golden heart.

Feeling Is Believing

The reason I celebrate Easter is to commemorate the fact that Jesus, his physical body and everything else, came back from death.






 It has always been my favorite celebration. It's one of the reasons I chose to follow Him those many years ago; and still is a huge reason I continue to choose Him.

I went to church today. I've been taking a break from going, and when they started singing, I felt like I was home.  I love music, not the traditional hymns, but newer ones.  Our church has an amazing band and singing team, I always get lost in the feeling of love, of focusing on Jesus as a person; what He did for me.


Music gives me a break from my mind and helps me delve into my soul.  And today the music took me there.  It's hard to put into words, but in spite of what politics and western society has done to Jesus and His teachings, I still call myself a follower.  And am proud and humbled at the same time to be a follower.

Looking at the origins of Easter, it actually wasn't a 'Christian Holiday' to begin with.  There's a lot of information out there and frankly, it would be too boring to turn this into a research paper, but just let me say this: I use Easter to celebrate Christ coming back from the dead.  Because of that, I find it difficult, even if I observed the Pagan version, to go out and buy gifts for the children in my life.  It seems it's getting more and more popular to do that. I see no purpose in it.  I'll do the Easter Basket thing.  Actually, I put them together usually the night  before Easter and then at our family get together, I give them to my grandkids.

However to me, at church, I felt a very sobering presence; an other worldly type feeling.





 It was good! It caused my mind to focus on God...Such a big word, such a big name!!





The mind and God just don't mix too well in my book, in my world.  I know there are people who love the theology and can discuss and , or debate the teachings of Christ and of the bible. Trust me, I know people who can rattle off bible verses to explain anything they want to explain.  But me?  I would rather absorb and appreciate the mystery. The mystery of how me, a human of the 21st century, feels connected with a dead person who claims to have come back from the dead.  I feel Him, just like I sometimes feel my dead father, or mother, or my young, dead boyfriend.  I feel Jesus, even though I've never physically met Him...I feel Him.

Today at church I felt Him.  I also felt the 'great cloud of witnesses' too....the other dead people I've known and loved but who didn't claim to physically come back.






 Which is neither here nor there about what they did or didn't claim. But what they all have in common on a personal level, is that they all claimed to have loved me.  And I feel them.  That is, indeed, a mystery.  Because of Jesus, death has lost it's sting.  That's enough for me.

"If we find ourselves with desires that nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world."  c.s. lewis


Happy Easter to you all.

The Things You Wish You Knew Earlier

Sitting here on a Saturday morning chillin'.  Dogs are at dog park and I'm enjoying the quiet! As I do , I am also enjoying one of my favorite things, reading quotes.  One of the best pieces I've every read (and heard, it's on a video) is "Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen".  Reading some of the quotes there brought up nostalgia and warm feelings.




 "Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good." That, in particular, pulled at my heart strings.



  My father died when he was a year younger than I am now. A massive heart attack. A few hours later he was gone.  In the ambulance on the way to the hospital he told the MT guy, "I think this is it for me.'  I think about his last few minutes so often. He was very strong, stubborn, charismatic, opinionated and straight to the point.  I admired his ethics. I admired the fact that he was a true believer and achiever of the American Dream. He built something out of nothing.  Life is never the same after someone that influential in your life is no longer around. At least not around physically. On a rare occasion I can almost feel him.



My mother died ten years later.  A couple of days after she died we all received little cards in the mail telling us she loved us.  Most everything I know about how to love well I learned from her.   She was a great listener.  I would sit for hours and talk about things.  She listened.  I loved telling her about the song lyrics that meant so much to me. She listened. I would tell her about boyfriends, friends, most anything.   But there were a few times I listened to her.  She had a couple of boyfriends.  There were men interested in her, they just fed her ego, which in my opinion, is awesome.  I listened to stories about what a rebel she was. You wouldn't have known it. She had morals that caused her a lot of pain later in life. Thinking things should be a certain way.  I blame that on religion, not truth; But inside she was a rebel who always questioned.  That's why this beautiful, sweet little Catholic girl ran away to Chicago, worked at a radio station and found her future husband.  A Jewish guy.  Catholics weren't supposed to marry Jews. And of course, even more so, Jews were not to marry Catholics.  Religion can really screw people up!!!


I really didn't get to know my parents the way I wish I would have now.  I miss them every day.  The pain is sort of gone, but the emptiness never leaves.  It's something you get used to. It's just a part of life.




 I wish my parents could see my new grandson.  Yet I think they do.  Not sure, but probably.




Nostalgia and memories......sweet!



Another quote that is probably the best advice I've ever heard is, "Keep your old love letters. Throw away your bank statements."  Of course I didn't.  I had kept one.  It was from my young boyfriend.  He died at 18.  And his words meant the world to me. Especially later in life.  He signed it, "No matter what happens, I will always love you." I even made a photo copy of that letter. After moving from one state to another, I finally lost it.  I wish I still had it.





 Ahhhhh youth.

Nostalgia.  Nothing beats it.  Tonight, where ever you are, have a glass of red with me, watch the video below,  and toast to good advice and nostalgia.


https://youtu.be/xavFb4WH7o0

Copy and paste in the address bar....It's totally worth the time and effort.

Is It Still A Man's World?

I've been married forty years. When we were first married I remember my husband saying something to the effect that if I ever "went back to work"  (Really?  As if raising a child and managing a household wasn't work.)he would do his share to help out. Trouble is, that his "share" was never defined.  But my share was already defined, without words, by our society.  As  I understood it, my "job" was to make sure the house was clean and organized, the children were well fed, as well as the husband, and the  bills were paid.

I'm an empty nester now so in my world, I feel the pressure is off.  However, I"m really hoping the world has changed....but I don't think it's changed much.  My daughter who is a full time teacher, trying to change the world, one child at a time, and also a full time mother of three, has had a mini crisis. Not a biggie, but it's the little foxes that will spoil the whole vine.  A thought crossed my mind today, "Go do  surprise cleaning and laundry for your daughter."  What a  thought!  And seriously, I really like to clean.  Today I wanted to concentrate on laundry as well.  I wanted her to come home and see that she has nothing to do this weekend other than attend her sons sports events. So I worked my ass off cleaning and doing laundry and loving every minute of it.

But the idea remains....why aren't men more involved? Don't they mind living in disorganization and filth? They don't mind their urine on the rim of the toilet?  Or has it been taken care of  for them for so many centuries that they just don't get it? Is it still a mans world?  I remember as a young bride reading books on how to make your husband happy.  One of the ideas was to wrap yourself in plastic, totally naked, other than the plastic wrap, and greet him at the door. I think the name of the book was, "Fascinating Womanhood". Really???

Okay, well, it's  a Saturday night and the cool desert air is refreshing. I'm alone other than my faithful dogs. It's been a great day. I loved seeing my daugher's expression when she realized there wasn't much to do at home for her this weekend.  Apparently my love language is acts of service.  I love giving, and it satisfies me every time to see the joy in my kids face when I help them out.

But back to the point. It can't be a man's world. We will fail if it is.  So men, if you haven't already, do your fair share and make it work.