Little Talks

The hate and greed of politics amaze me. The discussions on social media have become more and more predominate and are filled with dark despair of disunity. They have become a funnel cloud of doom with no real motive or purpose other than to cause enmity. All the passionate opinions from the right and left are like wildfire of mentally disturbing ideas and judgments! It seems that, instead of bringing elucidation and a need for solutions, they have done the exact opposite. Yet both sides feel their motives are pure and right.

It dawned on me; like the sun coming out after a torrential rain; if we were all ....all of us....everywhere....were to sit down at a table, or several tables in groups, and truly discussed solutions to our country's problems, maybe, just maybe we would find workable answers that we agree on.  Hope is being able to see light despite all the darkness, according to Desmond Tutu.

I really don't believe there can be hope when we consider the nature of politics...the goal of politics.  Isn't it power?  A politician would become  poison at that table.  We can all agree on that right?  Imaginably, people who engage in a  career of politics perhaps do so with a relatively pure motive in the beginning. They believe  they can "fix" things, make things better. Then it seems ego and the deadly game becomes all too real. They find out that the childhood monsters they thought once were real, really are real and have outgrown their closet.   And alas!  They are lost in a game that's bigger than they are. So,  either get out, or play to survive and feed the ego that once was a pure motive.

In my most passionate moments of disagreements,  I struggled very seriously to move in kindness and love. I must admit, many times I fail. I have also considered putting my head in the proverbial sand and not being a part of any discussion that isn't pleasant. But that's not my nature. I usually try to face things head on and just deal with them.   It's difficult to do in the Facebook forum...or any forum for that matter, without coming away feeling heavy, hopeless and negative.  So, recently I had a private conversation with someone who I thought had other values than my own.  When we actually chatted, I found I had misunderstood a lot of his ideas.  I found we had more in common than I thought we did.  Although we disagree in some areas of resolution, we both have the same heart of compassion.  I didn't know that before I decided to engage in a discussion.

It's so easy to be negative in any situation.  Gravity proves that if you're in a higher place and you're trying to pull someone up to where you are, it's easier for you to fall down to his/her level.  Every morning when I wake, the oppressive cloud of what is happening in our country hits me hard, hits me and tries to take over my open heart. My heart that is trying to stay vulnerable.

I wish, I really do, that we could all sit and discuss with hope in our hearts, and a pure motive of love; love of freedom, love of this country, and love for each other, our future. Our children's future, our grand children's future.  I would like for us to be an example to  future generations that we can do this if we stay open, loving and kind toward each other.  We can do this if we really want to see answers and solutions.  Maybe if these "little talks" would spread like wildfire instead of passionate, hopeless opinions and useless judgments, maybe, just maybe America would be great again.

I tell you what, I have a pretty huge dining table.  Maybe I'll................

"Mercy"

Don’t give up, I know you can see
All the world and the mess that we’re making
Can’t give up and hope God will intercede
Come on back, imagine that we could get it together
Stand up for what we need to be
‘Cause crime won’t save or feed a hungry child
Can’t lay down and wait for a miracle to change things
So lift up your eyes, lift up your heart

Singing, mercy will we overcome this
Oh, one by one, could we turn it around
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer
And I’ll try to give you what you need

Me and you, and you, and you just wanna be free
But you see, all the world is just as we’ve made it
And until we got a new world I’ve got to say
That love is not a whisper or a weakness
No, love is strong, so we got to get together
Yeah, gotta get, gotta get, gotta get
‘Til there is no reason to fight

Have we come too far to turn it around
Ask too much to be a little bit stronger
But I wanna give you what you need
Mercy, what will become of us
Oh, one by one, could we turn it around
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer
And I’ll try to give you what you need

Morning Musings

It's 3:46 in the morning.  This used to be the bewitching hour for me if I woke around this time.





The in between time; not morning yet, but the night is over.  Mysterious things would happen during this grey area. At least in my mind they did. And then, after a few minutes of feeling I had been in another world, I would fade away again,  into a deep sleep.



Now it's a time when I wake and prepare myself to stay healthy. Have to be at the gym at 5, so I drink my coffee in bed, surf on my phone and then drag myself up and out.



I'm 66 and starting to feel my age.  I still think I'm my daughter's age at times.  It's been a rough winter so far. because the flu and other bugs have been brutal.  My body is taking a beating. My right thumb is getting to the point where I can barely clutch my coffee cup and I now am considering surgery. Something I never would have done before.

So,  mornings alone with coffee are also a time when I meditate, reflect and pray.  This morning the thought crossed my mind of how powerful being grateful can be.  And trust me, I'm extremely grateful.  My family is healthy, I am healthy, we have beautiful roofs over our heads and my grandchildren are intelligent, happy, healthy and beautiful.  I am grateful.  My car is my friend; yep, that's right, my friend. Loyal, beautiful and will take me places whenever I turn it's key.  My body is still pretty good to me. I'm as strong as any woman (and some men) that are younger than me, and I still do reps at the gym three times a week.  Yes, I'm extremely grateful for so much.

But it's true, if I'm honest, and that's why I started writing here in the first place; to write thoughts and feelings from my heart. I'm getting older and older and someday I will die.  My son, and probably my daughter too, know I'm obsessed with death and the whole experience of dying. I have prayed for a good death, a peaceful death. And I've prayed that for my whole family.  Some who just say science is the only real thing we can put our "faith" in, they will see when their end is here, they will find out.



However, I really do want to concentrate on living and being grateful, feeling healthy, beautiful and full of life.  At least that's what my mind keeps telling me to do.  At times though, I think I feel all my loved ones who have gone on.  I was shopping yesterday and came across a coffee cup with a lone lady bug painted on the front.  My mother loved lady bugs and when she died, her children were all together, when a swarm of lady bugs came. They just kept coming, for days.  Of course I had to buy the cup.  Now, at this early hour, drinking my coffee in that lady bug cup, I think of her.  She's been gone for more years than I can remember, but her memory is clear as day.  Or is it her memory?  Is it her I feel at times? That comforting way she loved me; was there for me all the time. Her love never failed me; ever.



Good morning all, have a great day and remember to count your blessings, be grateful. Yet take time away from your screen to stop for a few....be alone, be still and wait, think and feel the moment. Because that is really where it's all happening.

My Top Ten Things I Am Thankful For

Today is Thanksgiving and although it's a day to recognize what we're grateful for, I for one, could be practicing this all year long. I haven't been in the mood to write for a long time. Probably because I've been so distressed about the shape of things in our country.  Sad!  It's been a year and I still haven't really gotten used to who is in charge. 

SO, now that's over with, I will begin my list of what I am thankful for:

1. God and his gracious love and patience with me (and everyone for that matter.)  I am a Christ follower and have been since 1972 (at 9 p.m.)  This is the one thing I have no regrets about....choosing to put my faith in an unseen God and a man who went around saying he was God and teaching that religious people were white washed tombs.  I am thankful that I know that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but control or wanting control; it explains a lot.

2. I am thankful for my health. It makes a huge difference; especially at my age.  I am strong, healthy and full of life and hope. 

3. I am thankful for my family.  They too are healthy and strong. 

4. I am thankful for the material things in my life and the joy and beauty they give me.  My home, my car, water, red wine, food,  clothing, etc.  I am extremely fortunate that when I sit down in the evenings I love all that I see.

5. Now on to the deeper things.....I am thankful for thoughts that I think that don't leave me in a stagnant place. Although I have faith, my faith has changed and evolved in so many ways. Now, rather than following blindly, I question, I wonder and meditate.



6. I am grateful that although I have lost loved ones to physical death, I feel them around me at times. It's such an amazing, 'other worldly' feeling.  Just the other day I was at my daughter's house and my grand-daughter was playing music.  "Time After Time" came on.  It was a song that played the night before my mother died. And in an "other worldly" way, my mother communicated to me from beyond that it was her song to me.  When I hear it, I stop and feel her so vividly.








7. I am grateful for the pain that I have gone through in life. Although at the time I needed convincing, it has made me a stronger, more compassionate person.




8. I am grateful that I can pray, for without that communication, I would surely be lost.





9. I am grateful for music, it is food to my soul.







10. And lastly, I am grateful for the humans I have helped in my life.  Without them, I would have no purpose to be alive. They have helped me more than I have helped them.  To this day I have flashes of memories in the form of pictures in my mind of these individuals. I am very grateful to have been a part of their lives even if just for a short time. 






And there you have it. Happy Thanksgiving and love to you from me.

Back to the Sixties In One Song....What a Trip!

Awake at 4 a.m. to try and  beat time, to try and beat dying really.  Yeah, I did the 5:30 a.m. spinning class.  The instructor is fantastic and always has great music to help with the pain the class brings me. All joking aside, a song came on that's one of my favorites, so I closed my eyes while my little feet peddled as fast as this old girl could go. Eerily, the song took me back to my youth. 



 There's a line that I've heard before, but this time it triggered a very clear idea that I was being taken back even deeper into another time and another place:

 In winter of 1963
It felt like the world would freeze
With John F. Kennedy
And The Beatles.

In a moment my mind, my heart, and maybe something else that I can't quite put my finger on, went back to those teen age days. 

 Life was so different then, I smoked, most people did,  I didn't drink, I cussed a lot, still do, and even though I had very little confidence, looking back, I was a pistol.  

My best friend Carol and I 'snuck out' once.  We decided to get a bottle of beer...yep, one bottle, and head downtown. We headed out on foot and stopped along the way, crept under a bush and opened the glass bottle.  We wound up breaking it because we forgot to bring an opener. So much for the drinking. But we did finally make it to the weekly dance . 

A young girl and her boyfriend; her boyfriend who had the biggest most beautiful blue eyes you'd ever see.  Yep, she was me.  And yes, I had a real boyfriend with those amazing eyes.

As I sat on the spinning bike, peddling, sweat pouring down, I didn't feel like it was an effort as I listened to that song. Another memory popped in my mind like a fish jumping out of water. My boyfriend and I eating fried chicken and smoking cigarettes in his car in the park while skipping school.  Clear as day.

A Salvation Army Band played
And Children drunk lemonade
And the morning lasted all day,
All day
And through an open window came
Like Sinatra in a younger day,

                             I fell in love with him. 

We went to two proms together, but he'd only slow dance with me. 

We skipped school a lot and spent time in the country playing on hills near his grandfather's farm.  The longer we dated it seemed the more addicted we were to each other.  But we argued in the end, A lot.  Until finally one night I told him I never wanted to see him again. Two days later he was out running around, and the jeep his friend was driving  flipped. They both were killed.  

The evening had turned to rain
Watch the water roll down the drain,
As we followed him down
To the station
And though he never would wave goodbye
You could see it written in his eyes
As the train pulled out of sight

That was September, 1969. By that time, Kennedy was dead, both of them, and Martin Luther King was shot too.  There were more things to think about now other than getting caught skipping school. My adult life was just beginning, but so many other things had ended. The '60's were over, so was a huge part of my youth.  

But that song took me back. It's incredible how music does that; it does so many things don't you think? For me to be transported to all those years ago.....That beautiful song has haunted me all day long. I haven't blogged in a while, but there ya have it. That song!  

Take it easy on yourself.

A Waste of Time

It's an extremely hot Sunday, and I have just showered to get rid of fiberglass and itchy whatever all over my body.  I hate to say this, but I was wrong...I expected too much...and I don't know what the hell I'm doing.  I thought that having a raised ceiling in our little casita would be amazingly wonderful, light, airy and attract even more customers to our little airbnb business.  It really was a great idea....IF we wanted to spend approximately 18k doing this. We thought we could do it for under a thousand.  Little did we know; literally, we had no clue.  One of the things I said to my husband before we started is that we know for sure we will encounter unexpected problems, so let's brace ourselves.  But this problem was bigger than I ever could imagine.

No, I'm not getting into the specifics; I've already wasted enough time, energy and money on this failed project.  I will say though, it is a humbling lesson.  Yet what lesson do I need to learn?  That I can't do this anymore, like when I was young?

So, the ceiling is staying at the same height, but will be bead board.  That's it. We could have put bead board in without tearing the old ceiling and insulation out, but...well... we did tear it out.  I just finished the harrowing task of helping my husband put the insulation in. It was hot as hell in our little casita; wearing masks, and totally trying to cover our bodies made for a sweat house for sure.  The insulation is in, and we have yet to put the bead board on.  Wish us luck.

God Bless America

Most who know me know that I almost went into a severe depression this last election.  I couldn't believe that someone like Mr. Trump was elected by Americans, my peers, my fellow citizens. But the fact is, he was.  Why? Well, maybe I'll talk about that later but now, I want to vent my view of both parties and why we're all losing .  Both parties are being manipulated to drive America apart and for sure, that will be our downfall.  I know, I know, opinions are like.....well....truly?  They're like assholes, everyone has one.  So here's mine; all of us, no matter what your political affiliation, should put issues aside and concentrate on unity being the number one item of importance.  Why has this not been done?  I won't even go there now....that would certainly be a book of many pages. .

I lean more on the side of the liberals because honestly, that's where I see the most compassion, that's where I see the concept of caring for others, and that's where I see putting your money where your mouth is when it comes to the idea of loving others. I'm beginning to believe that even compassion and caring are tools used to manipulate the masses towards supporting a particular person into power. Obviously!  And of course it's ALL about ego and money, not the welfare and unity of us, the little people, or people terribly underprivileged, or people who are not Americans.   So be it.  The republicans seem to have a thin veneer of some sort of perverted moral pretense.  Politicians use the illusion that the money we earn is really ours to hoard however we want and keep it; you made it, don't let the government take it from you. And yep, so be it.

I went to a high school graduation the other night.  The two talks I heard by two different students actually gave me hope in our future. I hate to tell you, but the American dream is not really a dream if others go hungry or homeless, or have no support towards independence.  And from what I heard, these kids see that and are on the right track.  One student spoke,  and what I heard more than anything was how we are to be grateful for a roof over our heads and clean running water coming from our faucets. Sure we all say we are, okay, then why get so upset when the lawn mower doesn't work, or some other first world problem.

People my age are filled with ego and silly opinions that encourage division. Sorry, one visit to facebook and that's what I see. I'm not excluding myself.  I'm trying very hard to get away from that in my own life. It's difficult!  But it's troublesome when I hear people say things about the poor. Things like, "Well, they just need to get a job."  Easy to say when you've been in a little white bubble all  your life.  And these same people... I have not once seen them suffer from poverty. I don't mean themselves being without, I mean experiencing for a year or so living or working or just visiting 'the other side of the tracks and becoming one of under privileged, or mentally ill.


Then you have the liberals..maybe seemingly filled with compassion, but could care less about unity. It's truly like an evangelical religion.  A "we are right because we care and want to save the world" attitude. And to me that is truly a cancer in the development of peace.  It seems right of course, but the silly, pseudo intellectual hate I see posted on facebook and spoken about in conversations is toxic. AND, if they get their way, if someone is elected that they totally agree with, then of course, the hate will spew from the other side; the conservatives.

So what's the answer?  I wish I knew. But for a start, we need to try and open our minds for the good of our country. Maybe open discussions without the ego?  In any case, I do hope the future generations will learn from our, my generation's ignorance and insecurities.

I am a high school adviser for a virtual school. I had a student that transferred from Viet Nam to an international high school in Arizona.  He was diagnosed with cancer in October. He signed up for our online school so that he would be able to continue his education while undergoing chemo.   I went to visit him and his mother who were living at the Ronald McDonald one day and had a great visit. I asked him why he chose the United States out of all other countries. He said because in the United States there really is the freedom to become what you want, to do what you want and express yourself however you want.  Needless to say he made me think and his comments helped me to still be grateful for our country.

The last communication I had was when his father wrote and said that the doctors were doing all they could to save him but it didn't look good.  I haven't heard from them and when I tried to call, I was unsuccessful and there was not voicemail set up yet. Not a good sign.  I'm still hoping for the best, but still, not a good sign.

Is our country like this amazing, brilliant student?  Do we have a political form of cancer that is killing us?  You decide, you always do.

For You Ed! You Will Be Missed!

It's early morning, Friday.  I just got back from the gym, suns up, birds singing. A new day.  However, the text I received last night from a former student's father takes me back and causes me to leave the moment and go back.

Ed walked into the center where I was a site coordinator and was open to being a part of our little school community.  Students who would choose online school had the opportunity to come to me and do their work; more structure and I was there to help them stay on task.  He was smallish, long, light brown hair, glasses. He settled in and soon I learned how brilliant he was.  His ability to think and problem solve was incredible and his vocabulary far surpassed mine.  Ed was an old soul in a young, fifteen year old body.  Some days he would come in early and talk.  He would tell me his problems, his dreams, so much.




Ed was a spitfire and in my opinion, was almost too intelligent.  He had the emotions and body of a young teen, but the mind of someone far older than his age.  I tried to tell him that love was the only answer when he would tell me things that annoyed him.  And he always remembered.  I told him if he didn't remember anything else, remember this; always move towards love.

He was at the site for about two years.  I liked to say that I didn't have any favorites, but if I did.......

I have since switched jobs and am not there anymore.  The site was closed.  About a month ago I received a text from Ed's father saying that Ed said hi.  It also said he had a girlfriend.  I hadn't heard from Ed in about a year.  Then last night, his father's text said that Ed was found dead on Saturday night, a gunshot wound to the head.






All I could do was sit and stare, cry a little and then say, "damn it Ed."  I don't know why I said it, but I did. On the way to the gym and on the way home I thought of conversations, good times at the site and just little, day to day things about him.  Death is so final.  It hurts the ones who are left behind and changes their lives forever. I just can't imagine what his parents are going through, and the long journey of grief they have ahead of them.  I just hope that wherever Ed is, he finds peace.  He had so much promise here. I will greatly miss him, his wit, and his golden heart.