Continued Ramble

 It's such a beautiful day in Phoenix.  My husband is at his volunteer job, and I am peacefully alone. I've been doing chores here and there, but I've also been sitting in the moment,  enjoying the breeze and honestly,  feeling a sort of nostslgia in my soul. 

Writing has been difficult lately. I can't seem to find the motivation or even the words, but yet, here I am. Most of the time I enjoy being by myself, like today. I'm sitting on my sofa, soft wind blowing my lovely linen curtains., almost dreamy. Phone down, screens off, I sat in the moment and just soaked in the feeling of a beautiful summer day. 

After a bit of quiet, I picked up my phone and went to facebook. Immediately I saw a  post by a sweet, old friend. He has cancer, and will basically have to have part of his face removed. He posted a picture of himself so he will be able to remember how he looked. His post was very factual and definitely void of a "poor me" attitude. 

I felt slightly nauseous. "Why him?" Of course that's the first thing I think of when stuff like this happens. I always ask why. He's been a friend since 1972, when I became a Christian during the Jesus  Movement. We had a fun pact, if either of us weren't married by the time we were 25, we'd marry each other. Needless to say, we both married before we hit 25. About ten or fifteen years ago my life seemed to blow up in my face, and however remotely,  he was there for me. Encouraging me, offering hope.

Now it's evening and the day has been full of  first world problems.I accomplished a few tasks, had a couple of reds and am now ready to settle in. 

I feel as if I'm becoming numb to life. It's intriguing because numbness is so, ... well, it's so numb.

Now....it's the end of October.  It's been a while and my friend has had his surgery. He's still recovering. I can't even imagine what he's going through. I'm sure he's lost a lot of weight, which isn't good because he already was skinny. My heart aches for him. 

So, the first world problems have escalated and become intense; there's some new, horrible drama every single day.  Watching our beautiful country fall because of an insane regime is painful, to say the least! I've been to a few protests, although I don't think it's done a single thing except anger dear leader. At least it's something! I can't think about whats happening too much because it takes me down a dark, depressing rabit hole of doom. 

Moving on! It will be a year this Thanksgiving since Tasha's death. I still miss my Milo, Rosco and Tasha so much. I have regrets...many regrets. What I've learned from them is to not make the mistskes with Enzo and Elliot that I did with my other dogs. 

For instance, food. 

 I always wanted to fix my dogs meals;  quality, homemade food!  But my husband wasn't for it and I didn't have the confidence to actually do it. He said it would be too expensive, I believed him and didn't pursue the matter. So they had processed food, which, in my opinion, is very unhealthy.

Then there's this:

Years ago we had the sweetest, most gentle dog named Murray. When my in-laws were here from England. Murray had diarrhea on their bedroom floor. Murray NEVER, EVER did that in the house. And diarrhea? Clearly something was wrong with his gut. My husband was angry and embarrassed, my in-laws were disgusted, I was sad for Murray. But I didn't stand up for him. I just dutifully cleaned it up, but it was indeed, traumatic for me. Never again!

Can't forget this:

 I'd get frustrated and sometimes angry when my dogs barked too much. I mean, what the hell??? Rosco had severe anxiety so it wasn't his fault. Barking is what dogs do, and if you have a dog who barks, patience, strategies and training are what humans need!!!

I'm sure the list goes on, but I'm glad I learned from past mistakes. I've always had rescues, and just like humans, rescues especially, come with baggage.

One thing I do know, I will always stand up for my dogs. I won't make excuses when they snap or jump, but this time I  positive reinforcement training. just like I used to do when I taught. 

Learning from mistakes and regrets is vital for forgiving yourself. I'm really not sure I'll ever be able to completely. But that's a whole other conversation. 

This morning I made our first fire in our outdoor fireplace.  It was peaceful and serene, a sweet moment. The dogs in the yard with me, the cool air and the warm fire with it's flames constantly changing and dancing...loved it!

As I was enjoying the moment, I looked up, and at the very top of the trees was a white dove, bright white! I feel Milo's presence every time I see a white dove. The beautiful bird was clearly looking down, staring right at me. The skeptic in me kept looking up, surprised, yet wondering. "Is it you Milo??? Is it?" All the while the dove was looking at me, not moving. I felt Milo in my soul!

The thought occued to me that I possibly could be wasting precious time continuing to grieve, or intentionally focusing on the loss of three amazingly loving dogs last year. Right there, in real human time were two loyal, beautiful dogs who love me unconditionally; strongly! 

Although it's been over a year and a half, Enzo, Elliot and I are continuing to bond. They trust me. That's huge! When they bark crazily if they hear another dog, or think someone or somrthing is here that shouldn't be, I stay patient...at least 99% of the time I do. (They bark a lot! And we have to be good neighbors. ) To distract them I ask if they want a "no bark" treat, and they both stop and come running. They know I won't disappoint!

Well, that's my ramble for today. That's enough for now. I hope it won't be so long  between writings next time. If you read this, know that I love and appreciate you and your time. 

Soooooo...be good! But if you can't be good, be careful! (Not my words, but they fit.) xoxo 

A Military Coup Against This Regime Is Our Only Hope

 Waking up each morning with a dark cloud that envelopes me is nothing new. At least nothing new as of January 2025. Since then, it's been a painful sight watching democracy fall under an insane, narcissist, paranoid, rich, old reality show host. Why does it seems like so many powerful people in this country are actually afraid of him? Musk is the biggest example. Is it because he has control over the Epstein files and there's way more to them than we can imagine? 

He cozies up to Putin, who has long time been an enemy to democracy.  Putin cleverly, and deliberately became a fascist authoritarian over his once democratic Russia. Trump is now following suit by surrounding himself with extreme loyalists who will support any and all of his strategies to change the constitution.  Of course he wants to stay in power, and if not him, a family member or loyalist. 

His military (birthday) parade is now chilling in light of how he is using armed forces to take over cities.  He uses the excuse that he is trying to wipe out crime in spite of facts. It's his way! He implements threats, bullying, and violence. 

Christians have been his main support along with White Supremacists, KKK, and groups like Proud Boys. At first I was shocked that Christians could support a person who is the antithesis of Jesus and what he taught.  But now it makes sense.  Although American Christians say their religion is based on grace and acceptance, the truth is, there is a certain grace period after acceptance.  And when that period  runs out, thus begins rules, regulations and a timeline. If a person continues to "sin" the church  community decides the outcome. 

Church people feel safe with rules and regulations. It helps control human desire for sex, power, and money without having to delve into the root of the matter; without having to learn the whys of their own behavior. Of course, in Christian rationale, the whys are limited to one little word, sin. Believing humans are born with sin gives good reason why not to trust yourself, let alone others.  Living by grace alone is scary. I mean anything could happen, right? We could lose everything, right? Our hard earned money, our homes, our superficial sense of values. We'd have to truly understand and actually help the poor and afflicted.  And we'd have to do that freely, with no expectations.  That is if you're strictly going by Jesus's example.

Anyway, that's the only way I can make sense of why Christians support such a ridiculous leader. Right or wrong, that's the only thing I could come up with.

These are the thoughts and words of my heart...my venting. I can't avoid the daily drama and atrocities of this regime, even if I try to avoid doom scrolling. I get knots in my stomach, I get so angry I want to scream, sometimes I cry. 

Watching the fall of my country, the young, wild, and, what I used to believe, compassionate United States, is beyond words. It's not even been a year that he's been in power.  The way he treated President Zelinski was nothing short of shameful and disgusting. I can't even.......complaining he didn't wear a tie?????? It made me ashamed to be American. I seriously hate to think of what it will be like for my grandkids if nothing is done to stop him and his lies. Maybe I'm able to have a tiny glimmer of hope with people like Governor Newsome and Govenor Pritzker. But aside from that, the future looks pretty dark.

Personally, I think a military coup to stop THIS WHOLE REGIME would be an answer. Maybe our only answer. The military should not be used against it's own people, against state leaders!!! It's absurd! If enough military leaders and enlisted soldiers would stand together and say enough is enough, and actually STOPPED following trump’s orders, it would be powerful. One can only hope and pray that will happen!!!

"Don't give up, I know you can see

All the world and the mess that we're making

Can't give up and hope God will intercede

Come on back

Imagine that we could get it together

Stand up for where we need to be

'Cause crying won't save or feed a hungry child

Can't lay down and wait for a miracle to change things

So lift up your eyes

Lift up your heart

Singing mercy, will we overcome this?

Oh, one by one, could we turn it around?

Maybe carry on just a little bit longer

And I'll try to give you what you need

Me and you and you and you

We just want to be free, yeah, yeah

But you see all the world is just as we've made it

And until we got a new world, I got to say

That love is not a whisper or a weakness

No, love is strong

We got to get together, yeah

Gotta get, gotta get, gotta get

'Til there is no reason to fight

Mercy, will we overcome this?

Yeah, one by one, could we turn it around?

Maybe carry on just a little bit longer

And I'll try to give you what you need

Yeah" dmb

 

Prayer

 As an infant I was baptized Catholic. As a child, I grew up Catholic.  My grandparents who lived close, were Catholic, my mother was Catholic and I went to Catholic school from five years old, to thirteen, where I had nothing but bad experiences. (And that's putting it mildly.) Nevertheless, the idea of a God was so branded into my whole being, that even today, it's difficult to not believe in a higher power.

I'll spare you my spiritual journey, but the mini version of where I am now is that I believe in Jesus's words. I know that his teachings, his life and his sacrafice has profoundly impacted me and the world where I live. But something happened recently that disturbed me so much, I stopped all that I was doing and had to just be still. Be still and listen. 

I saw on social media a group of lawmakers praying as a group, outside, on what looked like to me, the White House lawn, with loads of journalists  there filming. The two women, (one had a mic) were praying passionately,  speaking in tongues and English, along with about twenty others. Journalists were also there snapping puctures, and of course, filming. The whole scene disturbed me. It distubed me that I was disturbed. And as I always do, I asked myself why.

 I sat and asked myself why because my whole life I was taught that prayer was  good.  Why did I feel a tinge of anger and even embarrassment?

It took me a little while to clear my mind of chatter and emotions and just intuitively listen to that still small "voice" deep inside. My first clear thought; a scripture:

Matthew 6:5,6 “When you pray, don’t be like the hypocrites. They love to stand in the synagogues and on the street corners and pray so people will ·see [notice] them. I tell you the truth, they already have their full reward. 6 When you pray, you should go into your [private; inner] room and close the door and pray to your Father ·who cannot be seen [or who is in that secret place; or secretly; in private]. Your Father can see what is done in ·secret [private], and he will reward you."

Prayer is sacred, it's set apart as spiritual, and from what Jesus said, it should be private. It's sacred, holy, and mystical. Clearly, Jesus taught that people who pray in synagogues  (churches) and on street corners, are hypocrites. Interesting!

The last few yesrs I've been using only Jesus's words for my faith. It has eliminated so much dogma. So, I'll leave it there and not arrogantly go on and on with useless debates and interpretations. In the meantime, stay strong and be kind. xoxo

Out of the Ordinary

 Lately I've been hearing and reading about purpose; gifts we offer to our world. 

I've got to say though, that  lately my past seems more dominant than my present.  Perhaps it's time for me to be introspective, perhaps this time in my life is a mysterious new beginning? I wish I knew. (However we are in Mercury retrograde!!!)

In the past, I devoted most of my adult life to teaching.  Even though I didn't have a teaching degree, I taught. I was a good teacher and truly cared for each student. When I entered my little classroom,  I felt the switch in roles. I went from Peggy, to Ms. Peggy, there was a huge difference. I "became" the teacher and I believe I taught with love, compassion, understanding and determination.  After about twenty-five years, I knew it was time to call it a day and take the Ms. Peggy hat off. I wasn't sad,  because I knew it was over, I was ready. Let's say it was bitter sweet ending of a long chapter in my life . 

Then there is my love of beauty. It has always been a love of mine. Beauty in every area, on every level. Specifically, in my world, I've always wanted to be surrounded with beauty.  When I saw that a realtor was looking for someone to stage client's homes I jumped on it!  The first time I staged we were on our way to a consultation with a client. I was nervous and unsure. As we pulled up to the house I immediately knew what was needed to make the house shine for potential buyers. Again, it was the feeling of transforming into another person who knew exactly what to do. It was amazing, and I think I was pretty good.

Just like everything in life, that too ended, and again, I knew it was time.

Now? My passion? My purpose? Other than loving, caring for, learning about, and respecting my dogs, I don't see a purpose. 

However I am passionate about trying to change what is happening to my country. But I am such a tiny part of this giant country of mine. And I can't find any sort of organized resistence. 

This dark, political cloud that hovers over our country now has caused me to think beyond my five senses. That, and of course the fact, if lucky, I have about fifteen years left, give or take a few. 

So, there is a nationwide march one day away. I'll be there!

I'm in the process of making my own sign with a sad Lady Liberty which will say, "Dear World, we are so sorry."

There ya have it! Thoughts, words, ramblings. Stay aware, always move towards love and be kind to animals!

And the song below? It's for my sweet dog, Elliot. He truly is the light of my life.

The Elusive Joy of Home

 At a very early age I was a believer. Not necessarily in God or religion,  but in all things magical and happy, all things that felt like an other-world type of home. The tooth fairy, Santa Clause and Hans Christian Anderson's fairy tales were much more relatable,  hopeful and promising in comparison to the god I learned about in Catholic school. However, as we all know, there comes a time when reality's icy cold hand slaps you in the face and tells you to wake up. In actuality that's when one really starts dying, isn't it? Oh, the deceitfulness of evil's subtle ways!

It seems there's this space between childhood and our senior years that is full of responsibility, joy, fear,hope, despair. There's no time for magic or even happy endings. We're focused on survival and keeping children alive. 

As a person in my latter years, I have changed so much since I was wide eyed and innocently naive. I believe those fairy tales and loving make-believe givers of gifts all pointed to a bigger power...THE power. Most of the time I feel as though I'm walking around with no real hope, especially lately in this country of mine. Walking around in my own head with nothing but questions.

Then, there will be a book, a piece of poetry or a song that stirs something deep in my soul. It feels a lot like homesickness, but it's a good feeling because it tells me some power, THE power, loves me and that I'm not far from home.

"Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again." CS Lewis

The Airbnb/VRBO Dilema

 We live in trying times where first world sacrifices are painfully plausible. Especially now, for my husband and myself.  We have a tiny, one room casita in our front courtyard.  Ten years ago we decided, with the encouragement of our son, to rent our guesthouse on a relatively new app called airbnb. I was very hesitant, however, my husband convinced me.  We downloaded the app, set a price and the rest is history. When I read how airbnb began, I loved the quirkiness of its founders and the laid back approach of how everything worked. Now, in these turbulent times, we may have to decide to say goodbye to airbnb if we want to help change this toxic situation our country is now facing. 

We have an incredible reputation on airbnb with almost one thousand reviews and a 4.98 star rating. There have been many changes to, what I call, my dollhouse.  New floors, an added window, an added kitchenette, a bathroom redo, and an added, outdoor courtyard exclusively for our guests that looks like a European outdoor dining area. Airbnb manages our rental activity at 3%. That's low. (VRBO charges 10%.) Basically we've been working for Airbnb for ten years and they have served us well. Because of organization, we've paid off our house, and our now able to add a nice supplement to our meager Social Security benefits.  We, indeed, are a ma and pa business.

When I read that airbnb supports this cold hearted administration and all the crazy, cruel things they're doing, my heart sank, but I quickly looked away. What really disturbed me were the hateful comments that the left were ssying about people like me. They too were cold hearted snd quick to be self-righteously judgemental.  Frankly, it makes me angry, really angry because their anger and judgments cost them nothing. They don't seem to have any problem saying people like me are the problem. So, I thought f#$k it, we're staying with Airbnb. 

However, from the beginning, I saw an exasperating change occur on the airbnb platform.  Corporations were buying homes that could have been affordable rentals for familes, and turning them into short term rentals listed on airbnb. At first the change seemed to happen slowly, then every time I'd look at reviews of guests, it was from a "host" with several units and properties.  

People who judge others who don't immediately adhere to their ideological standards, become just like the thing they're against. They don't put themselves in our shoes and they have no idea that it's a big decision for people like my husband and myself. And not just us. There are people less fortunate than we are who have much more to lose. Yes, sacrafices need to be made, and a lot of times it's painful. So, for God's sake, give us time to chew on, let alone swallow,  the cost of our decision.  

Recently I read that Joe Gebbia, a former founder of airbnb who owns 7% of the organization, just joined with musk and the new DODGE team.  But I can't seem to find information on Brian Chesky, who owns 10% of Airbnb.  In my search, I did read that three years ago, Chesky supported the Obama Foundation with a $100,000,000 pledge.

From The Chronicle of Philanthropy: "May 2022, Chesky pledged $100 million over 5 years to the Obama Foundation to launch a scholarship program for students pursuing careers in public service. The Voyager Scholarship aims to support students in their junior and senior year of college with up to $50,000 in financial aid, a $10,000 stipend, and free Airbnb housing to pursue a summer work-travel experience; a $2,000 travel credit every year for 10 years following graduation; an annual summit; and a network of mentors.[41]"

According to opensecrets.org Brian Chesky seems democrat because he donates to democrats:

$4,384.00 New Jersey Democratic State Cmte (D) F

Money to Parties CHESKY, BRIAN

SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94103 CEO 11-04-2014 $2,402.00 New Jersey Democratic State Cmte (D) F

Money to Candidates CHESKY, BRIAN

SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94103 CEO AND CO-FOUNDER 04-02-2015 $2,700.00 Kamala Harris (D) F

Money to Candidates CHESKY, BRIAN

SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94103 CEO/CO-FOUNDER 03-23-2015 $2,700.00 Charles E Schumer (D) F

Money to Candidates CHESKY, BRIAN

SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94103 CEO AND CO-FOUNDER 04-02-2015 $2,700.00 Kamala Harris (D) F

Money to Candidates CHESKY, BRIAN

SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94103 CEO/CO-FOUNDER 03-23-2015 $2,700.00 Charles E Schumer (D) F

Money to Parties CHESKY, BRIAN

SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94103 CEO 05-24-2016 $5,000.00 Democratic Party of California (D) F

Money to Candidates CHESKY, BRIAN

SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94103 CEO AND CO-FOUNDER 09-30-2014 $5,800.00 HARRIS, KAMALA D (D)"

As much as I tried, I could not find anything about Chesky's 2025 political stance. So, who the hell do we believe? An antitrump website who says that Airbnb is supporting trump, or the information I have found trying to research the truth.  Airbnb could indeed, support maga. What I don't understsnd though, is if Chesky owns 10% stock/ownership in airbnb, and he's shown strong Democratic support, how did this right wing backing happen???

If it is clear that my husband and myself will have a hard pill to swallow if we switch to VRBO,  (Owned now by Expedia.) we'll do it!  But not before we put a good deal of effort into finding answers to our own questions.

To all of my Liberal friends, don't be so quick to jump to conclusions or you'll become just like the people  you criticize!

You could say I lost my faith in science and progress

You could say I lost my belief in the Holy Church

You could say I lost my sense of direction

And you could say all of this and worse but

If I ever lose my faith in you

There'd be nothing left for me to do

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world

You could say I lost my faith in the people on TV

You could say I lost my belief in our politicians

They all seemed like game show hosts to me.

I could be lost inside their lies without a trace

I never saw no miracle of science

That didn't go from a, a blessing to a curse

Never saw no military solution

That didn't always end up as something worse 

Prayer, God , Politics, and Other Musings

 I was praying this morning, yes, praying. It was right after reading divisive posts on Threads. I put down my phone, put my head in my hands rubbed my eyes, as if trying to wipe those words out of my brain. And I started to pray, "Father God, Mother God..." For the first time, I addressed God as mother, and also for the first time I felt a type of sweet nuturing, compassion and empathy. I paused just to relish the moment, then began, "Help our country! Do something!" More words came to mind. But this time from a dear friend of mine.  She said she believed in God but didn't believe in prayer.

In my stream of thought, I remembered years ago, after spending a few decades in churches that did not encourage us to entertain any thoughts that would cause us to doubt, I came to a conclusion.  If God is love, if God is everything they say, then God can handle my doubting self. 

Yet here I am, again, praying, wondering, doubting. "God, help our country! Do something!" Then again, aren't all the people who voted for this power hungry autocrat, aren't they praying too? I know some  "Christians" are ecstatic he is president, they think he will protect their middle class money.  They love him for banning abortion (and cutting public education funds, and funds to help single mothers)  they are praying God will protect this billionare. This presidential felon! This president who bragged about grabbing women by the pussy! These Christians are praying God will protect him! Did they pray for Obama? He certainly could have used it. Especially when right wing supporters called his wife a gorilla.  And Biden? Did they pray for him? If they did, I missed it!!!

So it leads me to this question. Whose prayer does God answer? 

In one corner of the world, a sick, exhausted person is praying desperately for cancer, that's eating them alive, to leave their body. Then after begging God for a miracle, it happens. The doctors confirm the cancer is gone. A joyful celebration follows with emotional exclamations of gratitude !

Alternatively,  somewhere else in the world, a horrific car accident happens, a child is in critical condition and rushed to the hospital. At her bedside, parents, church members and friends are pleading with God to spare this child's life. Yet she dies anyway. Grief beyond measure follows. The loss is beyond words.

Why one and not the other? An eternal question with, at best, feeble answers from people who haven't experienced a deep loss. Those who are veterans of profound loss, only shake their heads.

And so it goes. Praying for peace, love and liberty for all can mean different things to different people. 

Our country is seriously falling apart. Christian Nationalism is everywhere, and the ,"we vs they" mentality is kicking in on a grand scale. The "theys" are people like me who are considered backslidden or, simply put, blind. On a darker level people like me, or the "theys" are considered influenced by a demon or the devil himself. Still, I prayed. A prayer different from most of my prayers. A prayer to miraculously get white billionares out of the white house, a petition that all people and religions will celebrate  freedom. 

So, to pray or not to pray? I'm not sure anymore, but I still pray. Even more so these days, I pray. I can't stop. I choose not to stop. Last year, I tried to give up God altogether, it might have lasted a week.  One thing I've decided to believe is that God is good! God is love, God is spirit. At times, I feel God's presence, it's very peaceful. Sometimes, when I'm desperately praying for pain to go away, whether physical, mental or emotional, I don't feel him/her at all, but somehow, very slowly, I survive and climb down from that lonely edge.

 Years ago, I had the most brilliant student with parents who probably should not have procreated.   I loved that kid! He was brilliant, way smarter than me when it came to academics. A genious in a fifteen year old body. However,  his problems were insurmountable! I tried to help, but all I could do was listen and try to answer his questions.  One thing I told him, "Brett, if you don't remember most of what I say, please remember this, always move towards love! ALWAYS!" He remembered,  but the emotional darkness he lived in pulled him down too far. When I got the message from his father that he had died, I wasn't surprised, but I was devastated. 

His father believed his girlfriend shot him.  I was told they had a horrible argument and the girl was leaving him. Brett grew up with lots of guns in his house, so he had easy access. I believe he shot himself in a highly emotional moment of despair.  I prayed for Brett everyday. I prayed he would miraculously find a way out of the jaws of a toxic environment. Instead, this brilliant boy was shot and killed. His voice still haunts me. I still can see his face. Sometimes, like now, I feel him. Why didn't God answer my prayer???

So, there ya have it. That's all I've got. I'll still pray for this country.  I'll pray for what I believe is good and just. I'll pray our country moves towards love  not what some believe are morals. Just like with Brett though,  this country, or what I believe was our country, could die in an instant. And also just like Brett, I won't be surprised, IBut I'll be devastated!

Overview

Lyrics

Listen

When the war is over

And we go back to every day, every day

Will it be the same again

When you been turned inside out and outside in?

Singing from the windows

Shadows on the wall, the way they dance

It's not much of nothing

But look at this fire burning bright

Look at how the children play

Well, none of us know what's to come tomorrow

But I'm not going out today

So dance with me like the time we've got is borrowed

Singing from the windows

Sirens in the dark, where are you going?

Pretend that it's nothing

But look at this fire burning wild

This is how we keep holding on

All the days, all day long

But sometimes things just fall apart

No matter how we try, they won't stop

Singing from the windows

Something outside but I don't know

When the war is over

Picking up the pieces of every day

Memories and picture frames

Trying to put the inside out and the outside in

Singing from the windows

Walking down the hall, nowhere to go

Be good to see you

We'll get going again

When the war is over