Finding the Friend in Me

I had a strange experienc last night...my dog Lexy woke me wanting to go outside. 













As I went downstairs I noticed my older dog, Murray,  had been sick all over.  It was a rough time cleaning. As I cleaned, he looked at me with this 'deer in the headlights' look. He's old, on lots of pain meds and can barely walk.  The future for him looks like it may be fading.  It breaks my heart.  I don't know if that was what lead to  what began or if it was a sort of  'bewitching' hour...just don't know.  But as I returned to bed I noticed that I had chest pains.  Well, if you're anywhere near my age, you'll know how you take notice.  Fear sort of gripped me.  Yeah, not sort of, but it actually did grip me.  Not in a panicky way, but a slow, thoughts won't stop way.  All of a sudden I'm seeing the souls of victims in Japan, I'm seeing Murray dying and me not being able to deal with it.  And did I mention that my mother in law is here? She's been here for two weeks and we have three more weeks of her visit.  After she leaves, three days after to be exact, my father in law and his wife will arrive for a visit for two weeks. 





Don't get me wrong.  I have learned to actually love my mother in law and appreciate her strength.  I have even accepted her for exactly what she is and how she grew up, although very different from my upbringing. Thinking about Murray dying, and having her here or anyone here for that matter is disturbing.  Moments like that, (having a pet pass away) are personal and private.  I will have to grieve with her here.  That is only IF Murray dies soon, which he may not, he may last another few years.  (After all, I did get him an orthopedic dog bed, he IS on pain meds etc.) So, who knows?  This writing is about last night and  my strange and very negative thoughts.

Does that ever happen to you?  Blindsided at 3 a.m. all is still and your mind runs a muck.  Meanwhile, still very present and dominant is the thought, "Am I having a heart attack? Am I really going to die?"  Well the answer is, "maybe, and yes."  Eventually I'm going to die and it's sooner more than later.  I do not want to die young though..and I am young-ish. 

My thoughts continued to move from one disturbing fantasy to another. I began thinking about my kids...of course my son because he is a lot like me.  He is deep, artistic, extremely philosophical and a major dreamer.  In the early hours of my thoughts I saw his bible as a young student.  On it was a huge sticker which read  "dreamer".  It makes my heart ache because dreamers are so vulnerable and open to the joys and heartaches of risk.  I love who he is, but he is not settling for second, and that's wild journey.  In any case it's  a journey that keeps one awake to all this beautiful, crazy life has to offer. 





I thought about my beautiful daughter and her family.  How I want the best for them so badly and yet I don't even know what the best really is!!??? She was always my joy, always a smile on her face, but the pains of growing up affect and tend to cause one to be calloused.  Not her!  She is still open to life, living and loving. 



My thoughts continued to wander; thoughts about God, Jesus, friends, my husband and when will I have the time to be alone in my new house just to enjoy and breathe?  Or will I die?  Then and there?  Thoughts one really does not want to get into at, now four in the morning.  I think about what my wonderful counselor taught me.  "What would I do if someone I loved dearly was having a thought pattern of such negativity?"  The answer is I would hold them, reassure them they aren't alone, reassure them of my love, God's love and sit there, rock them, hold them, love them."  My counselor taught me to be my own best friend, so I dig beyond the thoughts, down to my very soul, and there I am...waiting for me....the Holy Spirit guiding that adult in me that so wants to help the scared victim of thought find peace.  I visualize all of the above and suumon the simple faith I've had for a long time and begin to feel better.


(kathleen m. boyer)



A voice, a thought, whatever you want to call it, says to me....."You did upper body at the gym today, your muscles might be sore.  You may not really be having a heart attack. Wow...that's right, I think back...I DID do upper body and I haven't used those machines before.  A small sigh of relief.  The negative thoughts begin to diminish as I do relaxation techniques.  Soon, I'm sleeping. 

I don't know how to end this but I am grateful for all I have.  I am also aware that I haven't had a time to myself for over a month...you know, where I feel I don't have to 'help' anyone, or have anyone depend on me for 'stuff'.  I'm thinking the end of April....maybe, we'll see. 



In the meantime, I'll see you soon.

Challenges Ahead!

I have finally settled in my home.  HOME...Yeah!  It's always wonderful to be fortunate enough to have a place to call home.  A beautiful place to call home.  After a long journey, it's over and sort of just beginning at the same time.  As I've said before that life is like a rail road track...meaning that on one side there is always something good going on in life and on the other...well, you know the opposite.  In any case, I've learned to live in a more or less accepting attitude of life and all of it's diversity.

(longbraiddesigns)


Our son visited this last weekend and it was amazing!  Here we are, in a great new home and have already enjoyed a house full of family.  Our daughter, her husband and their children, (OUR grandchildren) live here so they were here every day this weekend.  We only live five minutes away from them anyway.  My mother in law is here from Israel...all is well.  Great times!

All however, was not without 'challenges'.  My husband was driving back to the west from Chicago and was only about 40 miles from home when he had a blow out, he thinks he hit something...or something hit him, and BAM!  both air bags went off, windshield shattered and a tire blew.  He called me from what he said "the middle of no where" and needed help.  That same day my daughter had to deal with some huge challenges as well....and, that same day my mother in law flew in from Israel.  Lots happeneing.  But I love that, and I'm up for the challenge. 



Lately, I've been brain washing myself.  As a matter of fact it's been years that I have been trying to change my perspective, respect my own and others boundries and basically take care of my own issues.  I know it may sound simple...but believe me, it's not.  Staying centered, knowing that God has given me all that I need to be at peace...(I am a huge fan and believe in and hopefully am a  follower of Jesus...that's the life saver for me.)



So, I'm probably rambling, but my point is that life is beautiful and I am trying to embrace the challenges.  I know, I know, I use escapes too...maybe eating too much, drinking too much...but my heart is open to accepting and loving unconditionally.  Now that's a  challenge.  But it's worth the ride.

take care ya 'all....

The Question of Romance and Pain..and Being Realistic?

Do you think that romance comes maybe just once? Marriage is different...it's not that first love thing.  The first love experience is amazing.  Sometimes I get 'corrected' about my idealistic, romantic views.  Sort of like I should just grow up, be more mature.  But I don't really pay attention.  It's been too long to try and convince me that there isn't a better way than just settling.  Maybe I'm just trying to catch the wind.  Who knows?  I had a dream last night that brought it up again. The age old question in my mind anyway....romance.  Is it too late?  Have I already had my taste and it's over?  And do I care?  Is there something more important?  Life goes on and there are priorities.  Like my relationships with my kids, my grandkids, my sisters, my husband.  They keep my feet on the ground and have their share of romantic moments. 


For the most part, at my age, I still long for the 'first kiss' moments.  As unreal as they probably are, don't tell me you don't sort of wish for it as well.


I was a child of the 50's - 60's and my mother taught me about love, through her eyes of course.  She told me not to have sex with anyone until I was married and that sex was totally about love.  I finally realized that she was in her own world on that one.  Yet the love part, well you guessed it, I can't shake it.  I keep thinking and hoping.  And yes, getting disapointed.  Perhaps my expectations are too high?  Who knows????



I really did have this dream last night that I was being 'romanced'...by a faceless person of course..but still.  It was heavenly.  Some people will say that it's the 'God hole" that has to be filled, and yes, they have a point.  John Eldredge wrote a book called "Journey of Desire"; a great read.  It talks about not ignoring your deepest desires and dismissing them as something to 'grow out of'...At least that's what I got out of it.  As far as wanting something better, something more, something entirely beautiful in the relationship department, C.S. Lewis put it perfectly...He said that we know we are made for "more than this." 



We were made to connect with our loves, the people we love...and when they don't connect with you..it's so damn painful isn't it? 

Happiness is definately a choice..but where does one decide that romance is out of the question?  Unrealistic at 'this age'?  Anyway, just venting...just venting.. This isn't a 'downer' blog.  It's really just a question...a thought that I believe, most people think about...at least women do anyway.  Men are whole different species from where I stand.  The desires we have are real, they shouldn't be ignored or dismissed.  They are something that God put inside of us to send us a message.  So there ya have it.  I've probably gone on too long...but I did have this incedible dream.........................

Until next time...take care...keep looking up.