Finding the Friend in Me

I had a strange experienc last night...my dog Lexy woke me wanting to go outside. 













As I went downstairs I noticed my older dog, Murray,  had been sick all over.  It was a rough time cleaning. As I cleaned, he looked at me with this 'deer in the headlights' look. He's old, on lots of pain meds and can barely walk.  The future for him looks like it may be fading.  It breaks my heart.  I don't know if that was what lead to  what began or if it was a sort of  'bewitching' hour...just don't know.  But as I returned to bed I noticed that I had chest pains.  Well, if you're anywhere near my age, you'll know how you take notice.  Fear sort of gripped me.  Yeah, not sort of, but it actually did grip me.  Not in a panicky way, but a slow, thoughts won't stop way.  All of a sudden I'm seeing the souls of victims in Japan, I'm seeing Murray dying and me not being able to deal with it.  And did I mention that my mother in law is here? She's been here for two weeks and we have three more weeks of her visit.  After she leaves, three days after to be exact, my father in law and his wife will arrive for a visit for two weeks. 





Don't get me wrong.  I have learned to actually love my mother in law and appreciate her strength.  I have even accepted her for exactly what she is and how she grew up, although very different from my upbringing. Thinking about Murray dying, and having her here or anyone here for that matter is disturbing.  Moments like that, (having a pet pass away) are personal and private.  I will have to grieve with her here.  That is only IF Murray dies soon, which he may not, he may last another few years.  (After all, I did get him an orthopedic dog bed, he IS on pain meds etc.) So, who knows?  This writing is about last night and  my strange and very negative thoughts.

Does that ever happen to you?  Blindsided at 3 a.m. all is still and your mind runs a muck.  Meanwhile, still very present and dominant is the thought, "Am I having a heart attack? Am I really going to die?"  Well the answer is, "maybe, and yes."  Eventually I'm going to die and it's sooner more than later.  I do not want to die young though..and I am young-ish. 

My thoughts continued to move from one disturbing fantasy to another. I began thinking about my kids...of course my son because he is a lot like me.  He is deep, artistic, extremely philosophical and a major dreamer.  In the early hours of my thoughts I saw his bible as a young student.  On it was a huge sticker which read  "dreamer".  It makes my heart ache because dreamers are so vulnerable and open to the joys and heartaches of risk.  I love who he is, but he is not settling for second, and that's wild journey.  In any case it's  a journey that keeps one awake to all this beautiful, crazy life has to offer. 





I thought about my beautiful daughter and her family.  How I want the best for them so badly and yet I don't even know what the best really is!!??? She was always my joy, always a smile on her face, but the pains of growing up affect and tend to cause one to be calloused.  Not her!  She is still open to life, living and loving. 



My thoughts continued to wander; thoughts about God, Jesus, friends, my husband and when will I have the time to be alone in my new house just to enjoy and breathe?  Or will I die?  Then and there?  Thoughts one really does not want to get into at, now four in the morning.  I think about what my wonderful counselor taught me.  "What would I do if someone I loved dearly was having a thought pattern of such negativity?"  The answer is I would hold them, reassure them they aren't alone, reassure them of my love, God's love and sit there, rock them, hold them, love them."  My counselor taught me to be my own best friend, so I dig beyond the thoughts, down to my very soul, and there I am...waiting for me....the Holy Spirit guiding that adult in me that so wants to help the scared victim of thought find peace.  I visualize all of the above and suumon the simple faith I've had for a long time and begin to feel better.


(kathleen m. boyer)



A voice, a thought, whatever you want to call it, says to me....."You did upper body at the gym today, your muscles might be sore.  You may not really be having a heart attack. Wow...that's right, I think back...I DID do upper body and I haven't used those machines before.  A small sigh of relief.  The negative thoughts begin to diminish as I do relaxation techniques.  Soon, I'm sleeping. 

I don't know how to end this but I am grateful for all I have.  I am also aware that I haven't had a time to myself for over a month...you know, where I feel I don't have to 'help' anyone, or have anyone depend on me for 'stuff'.  I'm thinking the end of April....maybe, we'll see. 



In the meantime, I'll see you soon.