Thoughts On My Last Night of the 50's

So, since this is the last night of my '50's (Thank you Phil for making me aware of that fact.) I decided to do a new font.  It's really not that different is it?  Sort of like this birthday, it's just like all the rest, not so different. Although I really am crossing a threshold in the number sense.  I still feel 35. Yes, that's right, 35....only a year older than my first born.  Yet it's true. 

I remember years ago reading a story in "Reader's Digest" about a woman who was older, probably 60ish, and she said she felt 30 but saw this strange, older woman looking back at her in the mirror.  Well, although I don't look 'older', I get it.  Fortunately, for the most part, I like the person in the mirror.  I am blessed.  This is what 60 looks like for me.



People always say that "it's just a number".  I disagree, especially when it is about age.  It's about being on this planet for a certain number of years, and all the experiences life entails. It's about the good, the bad and the ugly.  It's about all the people you have loved and who have loved you.  It's about attachment and detachment.  It's about beauty and it's about ugliness, but it's about love, and mostly love of people and oneself.



I'm thinking now of the people who I wish were here to help me celebrate my years. For totally substantial reasons, they can't make it.  Still, I wish they were with me.  It's those people who have been with me the longest.  








I decided to make my birthday celebration what I most would like it to be.   I have chosen to go out and dance.  I've met so many great new people here in my new home in the Sonoran Desesrt,  and those that I value the most will be there.  How very cool is that?  They have carved out time in their lives to be with me.  I can't tell you how honored and happy I am for each woman who is coming out to just say hello....or to have a dance. I'm lucky...blessed, etc.






I used to have a school in Kansas City where I taught the best of the best.  One of the students sang this to me at the end of the year Awards Ceremonies.  It still brings tears to my eyes when I think of him singing this to me.
The lyrics to the song "Good Riddance" by Green Day, come to my mind and are so appropriate at how I feel now. 

"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life. "

Little did each student know that they gave me so much more than I ever gave them. And that's just the tip of the iceburg. 




I've had so many great memories in my life, friends, some stayed, some, we've parted ways.  But all in all, the best for me have stayed and still hear me out, love me, and share their lives with me,....that would be Michael Ann, 










Debbie,




Sherry, 







and Carol. 








I must say Mickey Ann is the one I call at three in the morning when I'm doubling over in any kind of pain. Thanks for that Mickey....

I do wish you could come out and dance with me on Friday. Yet each woman has helped mold me to the person that  I am today.

  One thing I know for sure, life is all about relationships.  It's all about love...loving and being loved. 
In the movie "Ghost" there was this line at the end of the movie where he was going back to heaven and he said something like this, "all the love you have here, you take it with you."  I totally believe that. 

Goodbye Callie

I've had Callie for close to 18 years.





 My daughter brought her home after I lost my favorite cat, Emma, to a car accident. She was a sweet little calico, thus the name Callie.  She was a normal little kitten until she became sick, had a fevor and I really don't know what happened, but her personality changed.  Sort of like a child born normal, and then at about two years old is diagnosed with autisim.  Callie was declawed, something I do not recommend.  But she was.  After her illness she didn't like to be touched a lot.  She was a good pet though.  She didn't require a lot, and we all loved her very much.

When we moved to Arizona about six months ago we gave her a sedative from the vet so that she could survive the 18 hour drive with two dogs and two humans and lots and lots of 'stuff' stuffed into a car.  Funny thing, the drugs caused her to purr like crazy and they actually changed her personality. She loved Arizona.  When the temperature rose to triple digits, she always stayed in the house and slept on top of our huge, oak dining table, or she'd fall asleep on the cool tile behind the curtains.


About a month ago I noticed that she would shed like crazy...just being around her you would get  hair on your clothes without even touching her. Plus, her coat was blotchy and seemed dry and not the normal shiney coat.  I don't know, maybe she was in pain, I just don't know.  She would always be very vocal about her needs. I would know if she was thirsty or hungry. That's all she 'spoke' of.  She wasn't demanding except for her basic needs.

Yesterday was cooler.  I went out back to water some flower and do a little yard work.  I remember she came out with me.  And that was it...that was the last I remember seeing her. We have a 'cat' door, so she could get in if she wanted to....she was always an indoor cat.

I know, deep inside of me, that I won't see her again.  I checked the park across the street, I checked all over our yard, and of course, her favorite indoor places.  She is not to be found...nor is her body. I didn't want it to end this way.  I wanted her to die peacefully in her own little home...her own space.  What the hell happened??? It hurts not to know. I knew the end was near, but honestly, I wouldn't have been surpised if she lasted another two years.  But nope, she's gone.



I have always had a cat.  I don't give a damn about what people think, the smell etc.  (although I keep a very clean house.) Yet to get another cat, at my age, I'm just not so sure.  I lost my dog Murray, and that was painful as hell...my little Lexy is getting old and that is difficult.  I'm tired of getting attached and then that old death knocks at the door, like a frost after a beautiful summer day.  It doesn't get easier. 

Anyway, this is for you little CalCan.  You were a great addition to our family.  Rest in peace sweet baby. I miss your voice already. :-(

Another Birthday Coming Soon....

It seems like it's been a while since my last post.  Much has happened, but much has stayed the same. Isn't that the way it is with life?  Soon , oh very soon, I will be the big 6 - 0 !  Yep, sixty.

 It blows me away as I feel like I'm possibly 35 and look about 45.  So there ya have it.  Life is odd, so odd, and it zooms by. I have a friend, who, like me, feels exactly the same as I do about turning  60.  She had her 60th I think about three years ago. She's amazing, and looks amazing, therefore she's sort of my example.  Even my husband is younger than me, so this birthday is  new territory.  Anyway, my friend who has already had her 60th, decided that she would just plan her own celebration.  It was a fun party and all had a great time, including her.  She helped me decide that I wouldn't  depend on anyone other than myself to give me what I want. I searched deep down and decided that going dancing is exactly what I want to do.







I'm telling everyone I know to meet me at a place where there's a live band and help me bring in yet another year of life.  So far, I have been  pleasantly surprised at the response.  Because I'm relatively new to the area, I don't really know that many people.  I do, however, love zumba and the instructors are sort of my dance idols.  They have smooth moves and each one of them has contributed to my renewed interest in keeping myself fit and moving.  Zumba is like a dance party every time.  The girls (mostly girls that do zumba) are wonderful and I love getting to know each of them.  And each of the ladies are awesome at zumba, and have a way of being warm and friendly. Hopefully a few, if not all, will show.



So, there ya have it.  The weather is changing, the cool air is moving in, and life goes on.....Happy Birthday to me!

Church, Community and Other Thoughts

This is where I write about what is going on in my heart. 




Today, and for quite a while now, I have been a bit troubled by my lack of interest in sermons at church.  It's not the pastor, or the person talking. I know that! It's me!  Maybe it's my age, I'm not sure, but I am sure that I want to make going to church a continued part of my life.  Trouble is, I can't find a place that sort of relates to where I am, and a place that challenges me.  Right about now I hear judgmental voices in my head from the past.  Voices that say, "Well, she's just being picky and she needs to 'listen' to what God says."  Or voices that say something like this, "Just go where they preach the gospel."  (Yeah right. Well my question is, whose gospel...whose interpretation?)




I feel that I know Jesus, to a degree. What I mean is that I have, in faith, accepted that he is the person he said he was/is,  and that speaks volumes.  However, my interpretation of what he taught and who he said he was/is may be a little different from what others think or see, or perceive.  I know for sure that he was a crazy radical.




 He totally didn't care what people thought of him as he challenged his own religion by taking the law to the limit.  He constantly challenged people with power and money, and even said that it was 'good' to be poor.  That's a concept! He talked about love instead of law, accepting instead of exclusion, letting God judge instead of religious aurthority proclaiming what is acceptable.



He told people to LOVE their enemies. 




He basically said that if someone was without, and you had two of something, then give the second one to them. He also told us to love ourselves.  Wow....that's odd.  Love ourselves...I thought humans were all no good sinners.  Nope, he said to love others as we love ourselves. Something worth thinking about.  I know for a fact that some people have very low opinions of themselves so how can they actually love me or anyone else if that's the case.





Ah but forgive me, I digress. Back in Kansas City I had a great chruch where I attended and almost each time I left I left with ideas that caused me to think and  caused me to deepen my own faith.  I will tell you this, I have been in churches in my christian life where the powers that be told me how to think, how to raise my kids, how to judge people and how to remain in the club, the christian club. Part of this was my fault though, I chose to be in a place that taught things like this. However, it turned out to sort of put a damper on all I believed when my faith was tried by the proverbial fire.  Don't get me wrong.  Even in those churches I learned a lot about the bible, community and Jesus.  Some of the dogma though, I had to unlearn.  It's all good isn't it?



In any case, I realize that once I choose a church, I should just go and wait.  I didn't love my KC church immediatley.  I want to go to church because I like the routine of getting up on a Sunday morning and just going.   I need to sit it out for a couple of months and see if it's the best place for me. 

As of now, I work on  Sundays and  am hoping to get time off to go to church. When I wasn't working, I did go to church.  Not once though, did I go away feeling challenged.  Remember, it's not about the pastor or the speaker, it's about me.  In the meantime my husband said something like he felt 'spiritually starved'.  I get it.  I'm not quite there, but I know that I am ready to have some sort of spiritual addition in my routine other than private prayer and meditation.  People need community, and that's what I'm looking for.  I'll keep you posted.
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To My Boy On His Birthday

So, today is my baby's birthday...his 30th to be exact.  I can't tell you how time flies.  Truly!  If you're reading this and you're a young mother (any age under 45) then take my word for it...soon you'll look and they'll be gone.  Life totally caught me off gaurd and I didnt' realize the time factor.  No one told me that years turned into months, months into weeks, weeks into days, hours into minutes and well...you get the point.  I do NOT exaggerate either.

Even while in the womb my son was a mover and a shaker.  I felt it, believe me, I felt it. Especially at about 3 in the morning when trying to get back to sleep after he kicked me in my ribs.  Maybe that explains why he's a night person.  Ian is a power house of energy and determination. Yep, that's the word for Ian when he was growing up, determined.  In spite of the teachers that constantly were 'concerned' about his energy. (Get real teachers, I am a teacher too and I LOVE the ones that are 'difficult'.  They turn out to be the leaders. They lead, whether in good directions or bad...they lead.) Such is my son.


Although I  am a "christian' one of the worst teachers he had was 'christian' at a christian school. To this day I still have a hard time forgiving her, but hey, I do. And so does my son...he sees her for what she is...just human with human weaknesses like us all.  Oh well.  But that is why I'm proud of him.  He is a loving, forgiving person who wants to live life to the fullest. There were a lot of obstacles my son was able to hurdle..and hurdle them well.

I can't tell you how proud I am of my son for thinking the way he does, feeling the way he feels, hoping the way he does and of course, loving they way he does. I would give him the world if I could, but it's already his. 

Here's to you Ian.....You are the perfect son. I'm so happy I had a boy all those years ago.