Home and Relationships With It's Core

I have been thinking about my former home in Kansas City. 



I lived there for twenty years and a lot of memories were made there.  Memories with my children as they grew up...those were the good ones. And then there were the ones with just me and my little life and my little world...some not so good. You'd think that I wouldn't be attached, but I am.  I don't  think it was the memories though that I am so fond of, so nostalgic about, but it was the house itself. That house seemed to have a life of it's own.

I loved it from day one.  It was/is majestic and stately.  A wonderful two story with handsome pillars.  But it was more than looks. As I loved this house, it seemed to love me back.  I groomed it, redid it so it's beauty would continue to shine, and cared for it; sometimes more than I cared for myself.  I let myself go for a time, but could not do that to my precious home; the place I would go to and hide from the world. 


Like me, my home aged, so I would refinish floors, knock out walls and put finally use every usable space to it's fullest, most beautiful potential. When times were the hardest for me, I neglected it, almost abused it, and forgot about it.  All I could do was live there.  I could not love it anymore as I could not even love myself.  It was sad with me, I felt it almost like a friend who would feel what I was feeling, but it still was my refuge when all seemed lost.  I  sat in it's rooms and sighed, and it seemed to sigh with me.

Almost a year ago now, we sold it and moved out west to this new home. 

I said my goodbyes and promised it that I thought it would be the owner of a new landlord who would love it as much as I had, hopefully more, if that is possible.  And I think it is!  I still feel guilty at the clutter in the garage and basement closets. 

My new home is smaller but I was and still am happy to own it.  It has it's own beautiful bones, but I have not yet fully helped it be as beautiful as it could be.  Fortunately for us, it has had good owners who have kept the main foundation of this space sound sound and quality.

Our son was back in Kansas City the other day and promised to drive by.  I asked him to take pictures which he did.




 When he texted me and I saw that the new owner had our former home decked out for Christmas in festive lights looking quite glorious, a tinge of pain tiptoed through my soul.  Why is that I constantly think I have never taken care of anything quite good enough? Whether it be my beloved home, my children, my husband, my career, or myself?  Perhaps that is something to explore?

In the meantime, I am thankful for new beginnings, for family, for this wonderful home I am able to caretaker of, and of second chances.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. 

'Tis The Season To Be Jolly

Really?  Well, I'm not. Jolly, that is. 




I've been trying very hard to adjust to our new 'circumstances'.  Meaning not a lot of money.  Now, before you start judging let me just confess...To have, and then not have, is probably more difficult than to never have had at all.  I read that somewhere and I totally agree.




I think I wrote in an earlier blog that I think I could have been a queen in a former life; if there were former lives.  I love beauty, I love celebrations and I love all things shiny. 



Times are hard.  Do we not all agree?  And yes, I am spiritual, but yes, I am very material.  Material is a part of everyone's life whether we'd like to admit it or not.  I, as Madonna so melodically put it, am a material girl.  But also as David Bowie so rock out put it...ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.  Things are changing. 




Times are hard and people don't have what they used to. At least a significant portion of the middle class who thought they were sailing.  I also confess though, as to not making the best financial decisions.  I'm not going to defend myself and talk about that if it were a different time and a differnt place, especially a different time, things would have been okay for all my decisions.  Se la vie~~~!



Christmas is my favorite holiday.  I think my parents, especially my mother, just ingrained that into me.  Our family Christmases were the best memories I had as a child.  Unfortunately you can't reproduce your fond memories. 




I loved going to my grandparents house on Christmas.  And then, when we were grown and had families of our own, we all gathered at my parents home and exchanged gifts.  It was almot a gift orgy.  But it was fun.  We would always discuss religion, politics and relationships, not to mention the "do I look fat" comments between multiple layers of amazing food. Usually someone was offended or cried, still, we left hugging and telling each other we loved them.  Ahhhh...the good ole' days.  I miss my parents at this time of year the most.  I have this odd feeling though that they are with me; trying to communicate but are frustrated at our lack of abilty to perceive the spiritual. 

At this time of year I also think of loves gone by.  You know, a younger me that was filled with promises for the future and the idea that I would never die.  That is until my boyfriend of two years died in a jeep a few months before Christmas. 



Yes, it's inevitable that we think of loved ones at this time of year. The midnight masses on Christmas eve, the wonderful, promising gifts of more life to come.  Yep, in this 60th year of my life, it seems those times are a dream away.

Still, I ramble.  We, meaning my husband and I, are going through hard times. 



Not too bad, but still.  I am used to doing what I want to do, spending what I want to spend and there you have it.  I love Zumba. \

 At our gym there was this Christmas Zumbathon to raise money for the YMCA (where I work) so that the Y can give to the less fortunate. Ha!  Lo and behold, I wasn't able to go because it wasn't in our 'budget'.  I LOVE zumba.  I could dance the night away.  Still, I wasn't able to contribute so I wasn't going to be able to attend.  While working out that day my boss asked me if I was going to be there.  I told her it really wasn't in my budget and that was okay that I  couldn't go. (She knows how I love Zumba)  She told me, "You cant' not go. Help me with registration and be there."  I was so grateful to her for making a way and I had the time of my life on a Friday, dancing the night away with some amazing, zumbalicious, women. I am so grateful to my boss for making a way.  How cool is that???


Christmas is about love, connection and being with family, friends and loved ones.  Yet it's also about beauty and love.  I am a fan of beauty and love.  What is more beautiful than a huge, and let me reinterate HUGE God, sending the only son as a human to feel what we feel, to love what we love, and to care how we care, as a gift to humankind??? Really?  Oh Holy Night is all I can say. 

Peace to you all, and to all a good night.

Sad Dogs

I have been living in this house now for almost 10 months. And most of those 10 months I've heard a little dog crying from the back yard.  We have these sort of block walls that are covered in stucco so we don't really see our neighbor's yards.  I liked the privacy and that's one of the reasons why we bought this house.  But we have heard this pathetic cry for most of the 10 months we've been here. The heat has been up to 117 degrees and now it's pretty cool for Phoenix weather.  It's now almost 1 a.m. and I hear this sad dog. 

I've been told that to file a complaint is huge.  A lot of paper work and then it's not certain what will happen. A far cry from Overland Park, KS where I lived for almost twenty years.  All a person has to do is punch in a phone number and vwalla...you have an officer knocking at your door telling you your dog is a nusciance.  It's very frustrating. I've even called to the dog.  Now I'm at the verge of going over there and taking the dog for my own. GEEEEEEEEEEEESH!

Animal neglect has gone on for so long it's so discouraging to me.  I have been looked on for not taking aim at people who neglect children; which I think is also horrendous.  But there are so many child advocates, and in my opinion, so few animal advocates. The abuse animals go through should be known.







I know these pictures are difficult to view.  Yet these are true and these images are just a smattering of what really goes on.

Yet there are some who actually care, obviously not my neighbors.  Now, the dog that is crying is not physically as neglected as these animals.  But still, even the most simple dog has been proved to be as intelligent as a two year old human. The emotional needs of dogs and other animals have been highly neglected.  Thus, my dilema with my damn neighbors.  I do want to go take this dog away from his lonliness.



Sometimes things seem overwhelmingly sad.