Calories, Beauty, Age and Reaching Goals

So, I titled this blog before I even began writing. I guess it's for a sort of reference to keep me on track so I won't ramble. Let's see, I'll start with calories.


REALLLYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

Okay, below is a more realistic definition:





I log all that I eat, at least when I'm totally honest, which is maybe 75% of the time.



 In order for me to reach my goal of a 20 pound weight loss by September I am supposed to keep my calorie count under 1260.


I joined a gym/nutritional center and am paying, actually quite a bit, each month.  I've commited to one year.  It's a great deal because when I go there to work out, it's basically small group sessions with an amazing trainer who tells you exactly what to do and pushes you to your limit.  In other words, it's not easy but it's well worth every penny.  If I were to just sign up for small group sessions at any other place, it would be far more expensive.


Today, however, I'm wishing that God would give me one day, just one little day each week, (heck, I'd settle for one day a month) where I could eat whatever and how much I wanted and it would not count....Zero calories! Heaven! (Said in a high pitched, slightly whispered voice tone.)





 I know, right???

Obviously, that is NOT what will happen, ever, not in this life anyway.  So, in the meantime, yep, I'm logging and counting and figuring out strategies to enjoy my lust for eating in more moderate ways. 



So far, so good, yet for me,  it's portion control.  And that is something I"m working on.  Interestingly enough, when I'm upset about something, really upset, I can't eat.  Where some people just sit and drown their sorrows in oreo cookies and milk, I get sick to my stomach. 


Okay, so moving on to the beauty aspect of this blog.  I have always loved beauty.  From as early as I can remember beauty has been something that has motivated me to act.  I'm not just talking superficial, although that has a huge part in what I enjoy, I'm talking inside and out. 


Beauty comes not from counting calories or being the most seemingly perfect weight.  I believe it comes from your soul, your spirit.  I believe it comes from a sense of confidence.






I believe it comes from love of self that oozes out to and refelects upon others.




I believe true beauty comes from being positively in love with love, in all forms and perceptions.





Beauty comes from a passion for all things good, all things lovely.

Now, looking at my title I see age is the next topic I've listed.  Hmmm...You know, time waits for no one, but reaching my goal is important.  I'm hoping I can keep it as important as I think it is.  After turning 60, I see my goals, my self, my life, differently than I did when......well.....than when I wasn't 60. 








It seems that competing and trying to be someone I'm not just quit at my last birthday.  It's sort of nice, but accepting that I'm not in a self inflicted race to compete with people half my age anymore is a type of letting go.  It is letting go  of a large amount of drama in my life.  It is accepting me and guess what? actually liking me.  I like who I am more now more than I ever have.  I like my body, I like my face, I like my hair and I like how I think.  Quite the accomplishment for this little perfectionist.


I realize that I want to stay healthy.  I realize that health is beautiful and I realize that I will never have all the lusts that I would like to have.  Whether it be food, drink, material goods, admiration, or knowledge. A wise man named Solomon told me that years ago through a book he wrote that is in the Christian and Jewish bible. Why I didn't actually take it to heart then, I have no idea.  I take that back, yes, I have an idea, I was too young to get it.  I was too young and hadn't tried as long then.  Now I get it.



I still have my goal of being a size 2 again.  Okay, scratch that, maybe a 4.  BUT, if I stay a 6, I'm happy as a lark.  I still use Crest White Strips and I have a blissful relationship with Botox.  Going to the gym and working out is something that will never be an option for me to just quit doing, not if I want to stay healthy and strong.



So, I am at peace most of the time and I can look in the mirror and think, "wow, she looks great for her age." 

There ya have it...my ramblings.   Have a beautiful day inside and out.

Venting and Wondering Why

I don't get it.  I don't understand why someone would plan such a bloody, useless masacre.  He wasn't making a statement, he didn't have a traumatic childhood, he wasn't bullied, wasn't rejected.  So why!!! 

Below is a picture of Veronica, the youngest victim killed.


My husband brought up what  a lot of people ask during tragedies such as this; Why would a loving God "allow" such a thing?  My question isn't that. My question is why did he do it?  There is nothing that would help me understand it, not even if he was horribly broken by some tragedy himself...but still, I don't get it.  It's not God's fault we do what we do.  It just seems we want to find blame.  Maybe if we could blame someone we could channel our pain into anger and channel our anger into whoever or whatever we blame. 


Me?  I must admit my heart is almost filled with hate towards this guy.  I want to see him die a painful death.  I hope there is a hell especially for him.  I hope God gives him back a childlike heart and then constantly plays this horrific scene, along with all the pain he caused others, over and over to him for eternity.  And even that doesn't seem hard enough.





 I will admit though, I feel for his family, his mother, his father.  What he did to the victims, he did to his own family.


I am hoping that in the chaos of the moment that the vicitims who died didn't go through a lot of pain.  I hope it was quick.



 In any case, just like most of humanity, I'm so sad over this and realize words are just too cheap right now. 

Thoughts On Marriage

So, it's been 36 years since I married my husband.  It's difficult to believe  but then again it seems like a few dreams away.



 Honestly, I think marriage is the most difficult thing ever, more difficult than raising kids.  It's difficult if you just don't want to settle for something bland and lacking in communication.  It takes a lot of work, a lot of honesty and a lot of admitting that you have specific desires.



Oh, our marriage has been anything but bland.  For way too long we had a considerable amount of drama. After struggling and a lot of soul searching,   I gave up on the drama about four years ago.  In spite of saying marriage is difficult, I wouldn't want to grow old alone and this husband of mine seems to be a great match for me.  We almost didn't make it a few years ago.  We separated for  three months.



 They were the lonliest, most intense three months in my life.





 Fortunately, as you know, we got back together and here we are. 

There's a whole lot of history in thrity six years. History that can't be replaced with new relationships that don't have time to make memories.  My husband and I sort of grew up together really.





 No, he's not the same man I married all those years ago, and of course I'm not the same woman. Though I can hardly say we were old enough to be called a man and a woman.  He was twenty two, and I was twenty four.  Puppies really.  People change with time and experiences.  It's just that simple.  Maybe our core stays the same, but we change in so many ways. 



I'm probably happier than I've ever been because I have accepted him just as he is, not wanting to change him, respecting his views that are different than mine.



 (Although he must know that I'm usually always right!) We are living together without much drama these days,  the quiet is peaceful, the conversations interesting, and the silence in between is now comfortable.


Tomorrow I'll have some red to celebrate.  Happy anniversary Phil! Here's to many more.

Ramblings On Faith

Okay, so today is Sunday and it's the day I go to church.  I don't go to church to get spiritually "fed", or to get some kind of ooey gooey feeling, and I don't go to church to earn points from God.  I go to church because I want to!  I go to church because I want it to be part of my life, of my rountine; getting up in the morning, getting dressed and leaving to go to church.  Most of the time when I do go, I feel full and inspired.  Usually something touches my heart, inspires me to think and open up more to God and God's love. 



Today for instance, it was a song.  The worship leader spoke and he spoke specifically about the song we sang during the group singing.  There were these words, I don't know them exactly, but basically they went something like this, "All that I am I give to you." For a huge part of my christian life I tried and tried to find "the will of God", I tried to be more pleasing to God, and I tried to always do the right thing.  Where I learned the definition of  the "right thing" was from a church.  Now this can be a little misleading at times depending on the church you go to and what they teach or preach.  Mix that with a person like me who listened from the perspective that no matter what I did, I pretty much wasn't "worthy" or good enough.  I always looked around me and wondered why God's blessings seemed to fall on others.  There was always this particular model of christian that I believed one should be.  And I was not that model.






 I had way too many questions that I felt couldn't be answered.  Later on in life, I learned from a very wise young pastor, to live in the mystery that we don't have all the answers.  It sounds simple, but it  had a huge impact on my faith.



About ten years ago my life, as I knew it, fell apart.  I prayed, believed and pursued the idea that God would do a "quick" healing.  Little did I know at the beginning of my "healing" how very long it would take, how the "healing" process really never ends.  I let go of all the dogma I had learned and beleived and had to take a good, strong, long look at who I was.  I didn't believe a lot of what I was taught as a young christian any more. 




The one thing I did and still do believe deep down; as much as I can beleive anything unseen, is that there was a man/God named Jesus who lived a long time ago, who was perfect, who went through all the things I've gone through and will go through, who died at the hands of crazy, self righteous people from his own faith, and who, amazingly came back from death...physically.  That is one thing I have chosen to believe and not let go of.






 All of the other stuff....I'm still questioning.

To make a very long story short, I had to accept myself for who I was, just as I was, and even more so, had to love myself.  When Jesus said "all the commandments can be summed up in these: love God first with all your being and then love others as yourself" he meant it.  No wonder the religious people hated him.  They would not look at themselves.  And the part about loving others as you love yourself...that's radical.  It implys you must love yourself.  Most churches seem to have a difficult time talking about this one.  The negative crap is so much easier and brings in way more money.




Getting back to today....I realized that I can give God all of me, imperfections and all and God will still love me, care for me and help me out.  I read on facebook a post about someone going to church and hearing a message of how bad America is and "how can God bless us?"  It angered me.  Really?  I can't serve a God who is angry with me all the time because I try my best and still miss the mark.  I can't serve a God who constantly reinforces ideas about humans being so horrible.  Humans, who, according to every bible I've read, were made in God's image.  I don't think God hates us.  Is there evil?  Yes, I believe so.  But I don't think it comes easily.  I think most people want good, want God and if they could be convinced, would believe in a loving God. 


Enough said....have a happy, holy day.....see you next time.