Murray

I'm not sure how long my buddy, Murray, has now. He's an extremely handsome part chow, part retriever mix.  I've had him with me now for over fifteen years and the last few have been a bit rough for the poor guy.  He suffers from severe arthritis and is in considerable pain.  I believe the pain is minimized by his pain medication and anti-inflamatory meds.  Still, the last couple of days he doesn't seem to be able to hold a meal.  I won't go into details. 

It's very painful when a friend like this suffers and is on his last leg.  Grief is an interesting bedfellow...an interesting journey.  It seems the older I get, the tougher it is for me to deal with.  I probably know why that is. 

"No one ever told me that grief feels so much like fear." cs lewis.   (image from humblepiety blog)

I love that quote because it's so true.  Sitting around here, waiting on Murray now and then, sitting by him, stroking his head, rubbing his neck and kissing the side of his face is really all that I can do.  Why is it that dogs are so faithful?  Why is it that they never hurt you, always are there for  you and in some inexplicable way, know when you are sad? They rejoice with you when you are happy and always greet you when you get home as if they haven't seen you for years and are now at peace that you're home??????


Words are a bit hard to come by right now, but I feel the need to write.  Murrya is sitting here by me, licking his foot, looking around and seemingly doing okay other than panting.  I guess I'll give him some pain meds.  How does one deal with this anyway?  If you have a clue, I mean a good one, let me know. 

In the meantime....take care of those little guys, they don't last long.

Tax Man, House Guests, and Love

Sitting here alone in my new abode (my husband is out with his father and his father's wife)  I'm sort of going over the day.  It's tax day ya'all know.  Not so pleasant for me...no, not at all.  But it is finished.  Almost anyway.  It's not just that it's tax day...it's a day of even more time with house guests. Sorry, but it's been 6 weeks, non stop and I'm ready for it to come to an end.  Some house guests are more appreciative than others; I'm just sayin'.



 

In any case, gratefulness comes to mind.  My whole mantra has been "keeping it positive" and knowing that everything is working out for my highest good.




 That is something to actually believe...and the belief doesn't come naturally; especially under pressure.  I also made a vow to move towards love and faith...not too easy to do when, again, under pressure.



  But it's true what one of my favorite author's, Gerald May, says, "....acting in love is a fearful thing, and it demands of us the greatest trust in God---which is our only true courage."



Yeah, I know, nice words and certainly nicely stated, but sort of difficult, especially when there is rudeness and ungratefulness, not to mention narcissim. 




Again, I'm just sayin'. 







But it all comes back to the fact that all humans are really doing the best they can do.  I realize, to some of us, that doesn't seem "good enough".  But I'm reminded of a story Jesus tells about guys who went to a field to work.  Some worked 8 hours, some 6, some 4 and some less than 2 and they all got the same pay.  (That blows a lot of politics out of the water doesn't it?  He must not have been a republican...OR a democrat...he was an amazing radical.)  ANYWAY, I don't know about you, but I'm certainly not 'there' yet.  I still have a long way to go.  Yet, I keep trying, keep praying, and keep believing in God and myself that love will most certainly prevail...Love to you all on this tax due day.  Stay kind to yourself.

Children and Parents

My in laws will arrive soon.  I'm thinking about my own parents.  I do often. Actually I do almost every day.  Sometimes I feel them.  Just in odd ways.  I lost my dad almost 20 years ago.  He was a pretty charismatic guy.  All my girlfriends thought he was good looking; I knew he was very talented.  He was an entertainer.  Right before he suddenly died he just landed a job  acting in a dinner theatre outside of Indianapolis.  He never made it. For years I was resentful that my husband's parents were alive and mine were dead.

My mother died ten years later.  I think she just got tired of being alone and sick.  She taught me how to love.  She taught by example. There wasn't much she wouldn't do for me, and she always let me know.  She used to send me little cards just to say she was thinking of me.





Soon my in laws will be here. I'm not too close with them unfortunately.  It's a long, complicated story.  My parents and I were close.  I could tell them anything.  Anyway, if you read this..and your parents are alive, appreciate them.  They'll be gone sooner than you think.

Ramblings

It's been a while since I"ve written.  I'm finally alone in my living room.  I've lived in this house for almost 6 weeks and only two of them I've been alone.  Well, sort of.  My mother in law has been here almost 5 weeks and then two days after she leaves my father in law and his wife will be here for 2 weeks.  Seriously?  A lot of visitors when one is trying to set up a new abode after 20 years in another.

Sitting here in the beautiful land of the sun I am mellowing. And, now that I am alone to just listen to my oldest dog breathe, and the ceiling fan hum, I am sighing.  I am appreciating and reflecting.  I miss my son.  He is in L.A.  My daughter is literally just around the bend and the other side of the small mountain. (A 15 minute walk and a 2 minute drive.)  But I miss him very much. Sons are like that.  What's the saying?  "A son is son until he finds a wife and a daughter is a daughter all of her life."  Well...just in case you don't know, my son hasn't found a wife.  So there ya have it. He was a handful when I was raising him. But then again, all leaders are like that in youth.  I knew from the minute I laid eyes on him he was a leader.  He didn't know it for years.  At least I know he wondered.  I know though, that he knew something! 

He teases me that I haven't been to see his new home since he's been there for a year.  I know, I know.  L.A.....I mean it's huge.  I know that I can drive there easily.  Driving down the 10 there are signs immediately pointing my way towards L.A.  I'm old and I'm a little apprehensive to drive 6 hours in unkown territory.

I miss him..That's the thing. But I'm very, very happy he's independent.  Not happy for me, but for him.  It's so important to be independent.  I know that for so long I wasn't.  I still don't think I am.  But I am as much as I'm going to be in this life.

Which leads me to regrets.  Do I have any?  Come on!! Do you?  If you don't I wonder about your level of enlightenment.  I regret soooo much. I regret the way I disciplined.  I went to a church that was militant about spanking.  They were wrong...Just let me put that nicely.  I did my best though. 

It's interesting how introspective I become when drama dies down and I have time; peaceful time to reflect.  Well, there's a dog crying in the yard behind me, (which I HATE) and distractions abound.  I will call it night for this blog.  In the meantime...if you read this....reflect while you're young and take care.