Today, and for quite a while now, I have been a bit troubled by my lack of interest in sermons at church. It's not the pastor, or the person talking. I know that! It's me! Maybe it's my age, I'm not sure, but I am sure that I want to make going to church a continued part of my life. Trouble is, I can't find a place that sort of relates to where I am, and a place that challenges me. Right about now I hear judgmental voices in my head from the past. Voices that say, "Well, she's just being picky and she needs to 'listen' to what God says." Or voices that say something like this, "Just go where they preach the gospel." (Yeah right. Well my question is, whose gospel...whose interpretation?)
I feel that I know Jesus, to a degree. What I mean is that I have, in faith, accepted that he is the person he said he was/is, and that speaks volumes. However, my interpretation of what he taught and who he said he was/is may be a little different from what others think or see, or perceive. I know for sure that he was a crazy radical.
He totally didn't care what people thought of him as he challenged his own religion by taking the law to the limit. He constantly challenged people with power and money, and even said that it was 'good' to be poor. That's a concept! He talked about love instead of law, accepting instead of exclusion, letting God judge instead of religious aurthority proclaiming what is acceptable.
He told people to LOVE their enemies.
He basically said that if someone was without, and you had two of something, then give the second one to them. He also told us to love ourselves. Wow....that's odd. Love ourselves...I thought humans were all no good sinners. Nope, he said to love others as we love ourselves. Something worth thinking about. I know for a fact that some people have very low opinions of themselves so how can they actually love me or anyone else if that's the case.
Ah but forgive me, I digress. Back in Kansas City I had a great chruch where I attended and almost each time I left I left with ideas that caused me to think and caused me to deepen my own faith. I will tell you this, I have been in churches in my christian life where the powers that be told me how to think, how to raise my kids, how to judge people and how to remain in the club, the christian club. Part of this was my fault though, I chose to be in a place that taught things like this. However, it turned out to sort of put a damper on all I believed when my faith was tried by the proverbial fire. Don't get me wrong. Even in those churches I learned a lot about the bible, community and Jesus. Some of the dogma though, I had to unlearn. It's all good isn't it?
In any case, I realize that once I choose a church, I should just go and wait. I didn't love my KC church immediatley. I want to go to church because I like the routine of getting up on a Sunday morning and just going. I need to sit it out for a couple of months and see if it's the best place for me.
As of now, I work on Sundays and am hoping to get time off to go to church. When I wasn't working, I did go to church. Not once though, did I go away feeling challenged. Remember, it's not about the pastor or the speaker, it's about me. In the meantime my husband said something like he felt 'spiritually starved'. I get it. I'm not quite there, but I know that I am ready to have some sort of spiritual addition in my routine other than private prayer and meditation. People need community, and that's what I'm looking for. I'll keep you posted.
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