I'm 73 today. My mother always taught me to "be a lady". But all I can think of is WTF???? Where the hell did my life go? My mother would have hated my select words. See? You never, ever forget your parents. They live in your brain, always talking, always reminding you of how they raised you.
I've been feeling sad lately. Milo's sudden death in January, and my diagnosis of CLL,( a slow, not so serious form of luekemia) sort of did me in. Or did it just wake me up to the blatent fact that I realistically only have, at best, 10 or 15 years left of my life.
My body has been talking to me as well. It's telling me it's definitely not a 50 year old body. Up until now, I've felt no more than 50-ish. But I also look in the mirror and am at peace ,(sort of) with what I see. I could even push it to say I'm happy with what I see. I'm very fortunate to be so healthy. And I actually think I'm good looking. So, today I'm 73. I'm sure when I turn 75 I'll look back at this and smile. Life has been good to me!
When I was a kid, in the 70’s, I first heard the phrase "find youself". I had no idea what that even meant. You are what you are. Right? Hmmmm!!?? In church I was taught not to listen to your emotions, that they’re deceiving. Any bad thoughts were of the devil. Praying and worshipping God was the answer to everything.
Then as time passed, I got married, became a mother twice, got very religious, and very fat. I didn't have time to think, to be introspective. All I had time for was my kids, church, my pets, my house and trying to keep the peace. That was the 80's. A blur of stuff building up, ready to explode. And it did just that. I like to say my life threw up in my face.
Of course time passes as it always does, and it doesn't slow down or even give you warnings. The 90's became my best, but one of the most difficult decades. It started one evening, as I was lying on the couch and I said, "I'm lost"! The words were from way down inside my soul, waiting to have permission to become verbal. They just fell out of my mouth, without said permission, and I felt like I was being animated. My husband, a little surprised, asked "What did you say?".
In the 90's I started thinking about myself. I started realizing there was an answer to "who am I". The words of Jesus, "love God first and love others as you love yourself" confirmed that I needed to know myself before I even could love myself, let alone love others.
So, in the 90's I bacame an empty nester, I wasn’t sure about my marriage, I became spiritual rather than religious, started drinking (I didn't really drink alcohol until I was in my 50's ), lost over 50 pounds, and was in counseling with an amazing counselor. It was all a sweet, scary uphill struggle. But I was learning to love myself. I made so many mistakes and apologized to some people, but God showed true graciousness. Even my mother in law said I'd changed. My 50's were my best years.
However, I need to mention my pets, particularly my dogs. Mike, Murray and Lexy. They traveled that decade with me and witnessed many arguments, rages, throwing things, breaking things, and sad, almost desperate tears of resignation. They licked my tears away and let me know their love was unconditional. I really regret what I put them through. It was now early 2000's.
When I was 59 we moved from my home of 20 years in the midwest to a city in the desert. It was exciting; a new beginning and at last I was at peace with me.
In my 60's I lost Lexy and Murray and added Tasha, Milo and Rosco. Milo was my favorite. In my 60’s I retired. And I'm proud to say that in my 60’s I still felt as beautiful and sexy as I did in my 50's.
Today I'm 73. We still have Tasha, but we've lost Milo and Rosco. We added Enzo and Elliot. They brought life and joy back to me. Especially Elliot. He was a stray, lost and on the euthanize list at the county shelter. Miraculously we were able to adopt him. I truly believe Milo sent him.
Rambling is one of my better qualities and I've done just that. But how can you be 73, trying to write about your life, and not ramble??? The changes in life I've seen: presidents, technology, style the internet and it's surge of information, family, friends and pets who have died. There's just so much, isn't there?
Maybe instead of saying I'm sad, maybe nostalgic is a better word. But I'm happy. I love being retired so much and my dogs are my hobby.
So, that's it. I'm not sure what's ahead of me, but the truth is, there's more behind me than ahead. And I'm okay with that!
