It's such a beautiful day in Phoenix. My husband is at his volunteer job, and I am peacefully alone. I've been doing chores here and there, but I've also been sitting in the moment, enjoying the breeze and honestly, feeling a sort of nostslgia in my soul.
Writing has been difficult lately. I can't seem to find the motivation or even the words, but yet, here I am. Most of the time I enjoy being by myself, like today. I'm sitting on my sofa, soft wind blowing my lovely linen curtains., almost dreamy. Phone down, screens off, I sat in the moment and just soaked in the feeling of a beautiful summer day.
After a bit of quiet, I picked up my phone and went to facebook. Immediately I saw a post by a sweet, old friend. He has cancer, and will basically have to have part of his face removed. He posted a picture of himself so he will be able to remember how he looked. His post was very factual and definitely void of a "poor me" attitude.
I felt slightly nauseous. "Why him?" Of course that's the first thing I think of when stuff like this happens. I always ask why. He's been a friend since 1972, when I became a Christian during the Jesus Movement. We had a fun pact, if either of us weren't married by the time we were 25, we'd marry each other. Needless to say, we both married before we hit 25. About ten or fifteen years ago my life seemed to blow up in my face, and however remotely, he was there for me. Encouraging me, offering hope.
Now it's evening and the day has been full of first world problems.I accomplished a few tasks, had a couple of reds and am now ready to settle in.
I feel as if I'm becoming numb to life. It's intriguing because numbness is so, ... well, it's so numb.
Now....it's the end of October. It's been a while and my friend has had his surgery. He's still recovering. I can't even imagine what he's going through. I'm sure he's lost a lot of weight, which isn't good because he already was skinny. My heart aches for him.
So, the first world problems have escalated and become intense; there's some new, horrible drama every single day. Watching our beautiful country fall because of an insane regime is painful, to say the least! I've been to a few protests, although I don't think it's done a single thing except anger dear leader. At least it's something! I can't think about whats happening too much because it takes me down a dark, depressing rabit hole of doom.
Moving on! It will be a year this Thanksgiving since Tasha's death. I still miss my Milo, Rosco and Tasha so much. I have regrets...many regrets. What I've learned from them is to not make the mistskes with Enzo and Elliot that I did with my other dogs.
For instance, food.
I always wanted to fix my dogs meals; quality, homemade food! But my husband wasn't for it and I didn't have the confidence to actually do it. He said it would be too expensive, I believed him and didn't pursue the matter. So they had processed food, which, in my opinion, is very unhealthy.
Then there's this:
Years ago we had the sweetest, most gentle dog named Murray. When my in-laws were here from England. Murray had diarrhea on their bedroom floor. Murray NEVER, EVER did that in the house. And diarrhea? Clearly something was wrong with his gut. My husband was angry and embarrassed, my in-laws were disgusted, I was sad for Murray. But I didn't stand up for him. I just dutifully cleaned it up, but it was indeed, traumatic for me. Never again!
Can't forget this:
I'd get frustrated and sometimes angry when my dogs barked too much. I mean, what the hell??? Rosco had severe anxiety so it wasn't his fault. Barking is what dogs do, and if you have a dog who barks, patience, strategies and training are what humans need!!!
I'm sure the list goes on, but I'm glad I learned from past mistakes. I've always had rescues, and just like humans, rescues especially, come with baggage.
One thing I do know, I will always stand up for my dogs. I won't make excuses when they snap or jump, but this time I positive reinforcement training. just like I used to do when I taught.
Learning from mistakes and regrets is vital for forgiving yourself. I'm really not sure I'll ever be able to completely. But that's a whole other conversation.
This morning I made our first fire in our outdoor fireplace. It was peaceful and serene, a sweet moment. The dogs in the yard with me, the cool air and the warm fire with it's flames constantly changing and dancing...loved it!
As I was enjoying the moment, I looked up, and at the very top of the trees was a white dove, bright white! I feel Milo's presence every time I see a white dove. The beautiful bird was clearly looking down, staring right at me. The skeptic in me kept looking up, surprised, yet wondering. "Is it you Milo??? Is it?" All the while the dove was looking at me, not moving. I felt Milo in my soul!
The thought occued to me that I possibly could be wasting precious time continuing to grieve, or intentionally focusing on the loss of three amazingly loving dogs last year. Right there, in real human time were two loyal, beautiful dogs who love me unconditionally; strongly!
Although it's been over a year and a half, Enzo, Elliot and I are continuing to bond. They trust me. That's huge! When they bark crazily if they hear another dog, or think someone or somrthing is here that shouldn't be, I stay patient...at least 99% of the time I do. (They bark a lot! And we have to be good neighbors. ) To distract them I ask if they want a "no bark" treat, and they both stop and come running. They know I won't disappoint!
Well, that's my ramble for today. That's enough for now. I hope it won't be so long between writings next time. If you read this, know that I love and appreciate you and your time.
Soooooo...be good! But if you can't be good, be careful! (Not my words, but they fit.) xoxo
