Having children opened a whole new realm of speculation for me. Believe it or not, my mind turned to death more than I'd like to admit. Fortunately I'm not the only mother whose mental activities plummeted to such morbid musings. Chatting with a new mother the other week I confessed about the "death thoughts" thing after becoming a parent. Her eyes widened and she said in an almost reassured voice tone, "I KNOW! YES!"
I don't think anything touches a heart more than a mother's love. Love in general is a very extensive subject for me; very intriguing and totally captivating. I think about it all the time; even when I'm being my creative self .
These last couple of weeks I lovingly restored and redecorated my 1980's oak kitchen cabinets. It was a long, difficult and tedious procedure, but I enjoyed pretty much every minute of it. The reason is that I have always wanted to surround myself with beauty and things that I love. I do believe that walls have stories and houses have lives that were part of the previous owners. I am the future previous owner. To put love , care and affection into my walls and my space is important to me. Sitting here on a very, very hot desert summer evening, I look around at the home I've created and feel peace, joy and gratitude. Indeed, I am rich.
Isn't it interesting though that there is still a longing? There is still a desire for something even more beautiful, more satisfying? My son posted a song on my facebook page; Flume, by Bon Iver. Included in the post was his note to me; "I love ya ma."
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Listening to it I felt something deep inside of me come alive with an almost sad yearning. Yearning for more time maybe? I'm not sure, but I know that he was just a little guy about week ago and suddenly he's now a man. What happened? And can I go back and have another chance at being his mother?
When I was in my 30's I proudly and superciliously told people that I had no regrets. HAHAHAH...the last laugh is on me. Regrets? Oh hell yes!
I have so many!!! My son was truly wild at heart with a curiosity that couldn't be quenched. He too was creative, pensive and filled with young awe for this world. And I did so many things wrong. Firstly I listened to people in my church tell me how to discipline my children. Big mistake, on so many levels! The fact that he was around when his father and I were at our worst was tragic and I will always feel horrible for that.
But enough of maudlin reminiscing. The fact is, we all have our deep longings, our profound regrets, our aching thoughts of beginning again and getting it right.
Right?
In the meantime I don't want to leave you with the idea that I'm unhappy because I'm not. I am very much in love with my life, I am very much in love with my family, with my dogs, with my home, with everything that I am fortunate enough to be a part of. So with that, I'll say good night.....
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