"Love anything and your heart will be broken...."

It's about 6 a.m. and it is another end to night.






 An end to a night where my best friend had to be carried down the steps, outside, to relieve herself. She is very disciplined.  Last night was good though.  I only had to wake with her once, and carry her once.  Her smile is fading, her back feet drag along the floor when she walks, and her spark is gone.  At least until her favorite food is about to be served.  She almost dances then.

It's not easy for me to see her go down hill. She's almost 16 and maybe even older. She came to me after two heartless, asinine "owners" abused her.  But that's another story and it's sad; I won't go there.  It's sad enough to see her like this.  Although I don't see her in pain, I don't think she's in pain other than maybe some arthritis.

As my husband gets ready to take the other two on their daily walk up the small mountain across the way, they are eager and waiting.  She walks around looking at him every now and then seeming a little confused. She stands still and just looks into the air.  I don't even know how well she sees now.  I do know she really can't hear.

I'm writing this just to let off some of the sadness I feel about my friend; about how death slowly takes us at times.
.




I guess it's better than taking us suddenly.

 My girl was there for me when all others were busy, not available, or just plain gone.  She was there looking at me with her black eyes, her white self, by my side.  But always looking at me.


As the other two run downstairs with my husband, she stands at the top of the steps contemplating whether she'll go down the very long, steep steps, and do what she had done for a couple years before.  Instead, she turns, comes back to the base of my bed and stands, looking nowhere . I remember when she used to run like the wind and leap like a Gazelle.

In a few minutes I'll start my day.  The good news is that I'll feed her plenty of gourmet food and that will make her happy, which will turn to contentment. At least I'm hoping.

This quote from CS Lewis is perfect for why I continue to love, although, in this life, the loves always have an end:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable . . . The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers . . . of love is Hell. (C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves)” 

In Honor, In Memory

I'm off work today to celebrate the birth of a great American: Martin Luther King, Jr.






As a young girl, I remember the news of how the "negroes" in the south were marching, and protesting.  Because I was so young, I only remember images on the television of people in the streets, fighting and having overall problems.




 I had no idea. The weird thing is that no one was talking about blacks being mistreated.  The press wasn't hiding it at this point, but they certainly didn't report the lynchings, the abuse and the harassing.  But by this time, they weren't able to look away.








 Of course it had been going on for years.



We all know that now, in retrospect.  Just like in World War 2, no one really knew the extent of the evil that went on Germany.  It was only until afterwards did the gory facts of torture in the holocaust come out. Same with the blacks in this country. Although the evil was done in many different ways, it was done.








 To this day it is painful for me to hear a black person tell of personal experiences with discrimination. To me, it was a holocaust of the soul; of the spirit.  I was watching a documentary where famous people were interviewed and had the opportunity to tell their story.  Sidney Poietier was a man of great honor, dignity and respect.  Yet because of his color, he was insulted and treated like a dog.  He recalled in the interview that at one point in his life he worked for a department store in Florida. He was making a delivery and knocked on the door. The woman opened the door and yelled at him angrily telling him he needed to go to the back door.  during the interview when he recalled incidences like these, he stopped, put his head down and teared up.  There were other testimonials like this that was terribly difficult to watch.

I hear a lot of people in my generation act as if it's all over, "they" have the right now to be equal.  "They" need to sort of pick "themselves" up, so to speak, and move on.  You know, take advantage of the opportunities "they" now have.   These same people post on holidays greetings and reminders of what the holiday is about and then something relevant to the holiday.  Not today, not this celebration.  Their lack of recognition yells to me a message of racism even today.  Racism is a word that people don't want to hear anymore. But it's still there.

HOWEVER....thanks to Martin Luther King, Jr, who died while on the mission of freedom, our country has come a long way.

Yet it still  bothers me to the core.  And that's what it takes for me to write...something that touches me deeply.  So there you have it.

I'm so happy Martin Luther King was born.  Without this Christian man, who knows what would have happened, or how long it would have taken.

Trying To Keep Up With Little Mary Sunshine

I'm wanting to check in a bit before I say good-night moon.  Writing consistently helps one's wheels of thought, imagination and feelings keep from getting rusty.  Even though rusty is pretty trendy these days.

It's so easy to be negative isn't it?  I've heard it once described as this metaphor: a positive person is up on a table trying to get the negative one up on the table with her.  Well, we all know gravity wants it's way and will not give up  easily.  So, you probably know too the rest of the story. If not, I'll fill you in:  It's easier to go down with someone than it is for you to try and pull that someone up with you.




Of course I usually get pretty annoyed with negative, complaining people and that is negative in itself. It sneaks in, all dressed in the disguise of being justified because of your desire to keep good thoughts flowing, and those nasty little thoughts will darken a really bright day. I totally relate to this quote by one of my favorite authors, Anne Lamott:

 "I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because it would make Jesus want to drink gin right out of the cat bowl."


I'm not saying to deny all sorts of issues that probably need to be dealt with.  It's about opening the eyes of your sleepy soul and being in the now.  As Louise Hay said, "It's very simple, but not so easy." It's about being grateful, it's about faith and believing that all things ARE really working together for your highest good.  Louise is really on to something when she always reminds us that we are what we think about.

Yep, my life on facebook.  Now that's just another story that isn't worth it right now. HOWEVER, it's inevitable that when I walk the virtual neighborhoods of that arena, I will, no doubt, find some stupid comment that trips me up.  Usually about politics, sometimes about God, but always negative, and arrogant.  Arrogance is "an exaggerated sense of one's own importance."  Or I'll see a picture of some ignorant asshole holding his latest kill of the day.  Usually a graceful deer, but sometimes a beautiful lion. Those are killers for me.  I have to work really hard before I go to bed to get those images out of my mind. They are disgustingly haunting.


I had a dream the other night.  I'm not so sure what it means but here it is:

I thought I was pregnant. It was crazy because I haven't been pregnant in years.  And fortunately, I'm past child bearing years.  But in the dream was that very real feeling of having to bring life into the world.  I was excited and fearful at the same time. Then it dawned on me that there was no way I could have this baby.  I was too old.  And I woke up.


Maybe it's about me trying to get that person inside of me up on the metaphorical table.  Who knows, but when it is obvious what it was about, I'll get back with you.

So, this is the end of the day.  January 14h, 2015 will never, ever be back again.  Once it's gone, it's gone.


And it's time for me to say....Goodnight moon!

Happy Happy 2015...With Much Love...no kidding! :-)

New Year's Day, 2015.  Geeeesh. I honestly thought seeing in the 2000's would have been something epic...a time where I would have been old and God knows what else.




 But that was back in the '70's.  Now it's 2015.  Two thousand fifteen!  WOW!  Here I am, in Phoenx, (although a cold Phoenix) and living a good life.  I feel so much younger than my 1970's memories saw me as in 2015.  A good life indeed!  I have made so many mistakes, so many regrets, but in actual fact, I have experienced a lot of life.  A lot of love, a lot of precious memories.  Also, a lot of not so good memories.  I try to not bring them up, but they are all a part of what makes my life what it is.





I have loved and lost...but that's life isn't it?  The losses as well as the gains?  Because life is unpredictable I'm not sure what this year holds, but as of now, one of my very best friends ever just may not make to the next new year's day.  I try not to think about it a lot, but when I realize her legs are giving way, then it becomes a hard, fast reality.  She's confused and has this blank look on her face when I move her to face me rather than the wall. She has been there for me in so many difficult times of my life.  That is the type of friend who becomes a soul mate.




Other than my human loves, she is the love of my life...for this time anyway.

I will move on.  It's new year's day and it's been a lazy one.  Nice and lazy.  Laying around, playing on the internet neighborhood, and nursing my sore throat.  Life is good.  Life is real.  I am accepting.  I have learned so much in the last few years.  I have learned so many tools that will help this idealistic soul cope with living in an imperfect world.  I have learned to know who my true friends are.  They are not necessarily old friends..they are the 'connection' friends.  You know the type...soul connections.  I reconnected with a friend I hadn't seen in over 30 years this last month.  It was so good seeing him. An immediate familiarity was resurrected.  There is a type of warmth, a type of "oldness" that has existed seemingly forever which was felt; by me anyway.  I think I'd be safe to assume by him as well.

I have learned that I alone am responsible for my own happiness.



Such a huge lesson.  I have learned to accept me for what I am, what I will be, and what I was.  But I have also been able to see the past me in a different light.  It's all good!



These past few years have been so good to me, but they were not free.  The cost was gong deep into the questions of my soul and facing them not as the enemy, but as a fact. A fact that there really are questions, there really are uncertainties.  At the same time, they are not something that I want to get lost in.



I don't  want to get lost anywhere.

Years ago I remember sitting on my couch and saying, out of the blue....no kidding...it surprised me as much as anyone...but I said out loud, "I am lost."  I mean really? I was watching some tv show. some mindless tv show and not really watching. But this person from deep in my soul basically said that she was tired of being ignored.  She said to me, out of my own mouth, "I am lost."  My husband acted a little surprised.  ""What did you say?"....and I was dumbfounded, but honest...."I said I'm lost."  And that was that.  I don't even think there was a discussion. But the journey that followed was a journey that dwarfed Narnia.



 At least in my little life.


And so it goes.  Here I am, 2015.  So many years later.  I believe God is love.  I believe that Jesus is real and that HE is alive and well on planet earth.  I believe that Jesus IS God.  I believe the kingdom of heaven is within us...like HE said. And yes, I really do believe love will conquer all.

So, with that...here ends this little blog; until next time.  I love you all.  No kidding.  I really do.  Peace to you!