Numbing and Writers Block

I don't know why I have' writers block. I can't feel much of anything anymore.  I'm thinking this may not be good.  You know the scripture..."I would rather have you too hot or too cold but never luke warm.".....or something like that.  I've been feeling luke warm lately  Numb....Actually I can't say that I'm totally innocent of not knowing why...I have a pretty good idea .



 We're taught to suppress our feelings and I think now I've become a master. The only trouble is, I know that if feelings are pushed down, way down into the bowl of denial, they eventually pop out.  But even then, something tells me they may not. Something tells me that I can be numb and here's how.   There's a thin line between letting things go and pushing them down.  I think I know the difference.  I'm pushing some stuff down and it's not good. I know me, it will roar it's ugly face at me eventually. Or not!



It's been a pretty good Saturday.  I don't like having a lot going on. I think it's because my time belongs to someone else most days.  The weekends are mine and I like to own my time, be free and not have responsibilities.  So today I've puttered around the house doing the things that need to be done.  I love these types of days.  And then, at the end of the day, I sit back, relax, and enjoy the fruits of my labor.  Only thing is, I enjoy writing...but when I want to put fingers to the keyboard lately, nothing comes.  Or if it does it's only a few words that are forced and I abandon the whole thing right away.





On a very, very honest note, I've become a master at numbing the things that bring me pain...which are a lot of things.  And those things are, if felt, the things that people relate to...the things that can be artistically expressed in words.  Seriously, the line in Annie Hall where Alvy Singer says, ": I can't enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening."  So that's how I feel. If I see a dog that has been abused, a cat that is starving, a kid whose parents are so selfish and screwed up that their own child takes on the problems, then like Alvy Singer, It puts a crimp in my evening...but it's also more personal.  If someone has hurt me, sometimes I can totally let it go...Other times I can't..and there you have it.  that's when the numbing starts.





I've been through enough counselling and have so many tools to help myself. And God knows I use them.  But now, at this moment...I haven't written for what seems like a lifetime.  I have to write now, even if it's about not writing. Now, as Linda Ellerby would say..and so it goes.  Good night and raise a glass to numbing.  xoxoo