The Disappearing Act

I'm sitting here pondering this age thing.  I'm older. Sixty seven to be exact.  The good news is that my wonderful husband, whom I never give enough credit, tells me I could easily pass for early 50's.  So, put 2 and 2 together.  Anyway, getting older is just a subject not many want to talk about.

So, I'm thinking about all of this because today is Mother's Day and instead of feeling like I'm this great mother, the guilt is piled up while the resentments sit deep within.  (That should be a whole 'nother blog.)  My best friend is actually my sister who is, yes, younger than me, and probably the exact opposite of me. Yet we laugh, and face time and love each other well.  She's my best friend because she understands my frustrations and doesn't try to fix them, or me. She never has.  What a treasure!! 

When you are older, you feel like you're disappearing, and in a way, you really are.  I mean at sixty seven my life is coming to end.  I may have 20 or 25 years if I'm lucky. Undeniably,  the truth is, it's downhill from here on out.  Believe me, those years fly! But it's not like those 25 years are the prime years...they are ending years. So that means when you're with people who are younger than you, there is not much you really have in common. They don't care about your life because theirs is so full of 'things' and obligations, and keeping the little humans alive.  So at my age we try to be tolerable, quiet, and stay clear of drama.  I'm not so sure I like this role. Not because I'm a fan of drama, but because I have very little in common with the young in my family. 

I need friends my own age who don't act their age. That's the problem!  I still am game for risks, I still want adventure, although it does seem scary.  I have so much I've learned from years of mistakes if only "they" would hear me out. But for the most part, they don't.  Just like I didn't hear my own parents out. But my own parents didn't try to teach me from their mistakes. Why? Because they knew that I probably wouldn't listen. I sure the hell do now. I look back at my mother  and go over and over words she said, and speculate on the words she didn't say.  She knew what I'm finding out now...they don't listen....they have to find out for themselves.  My mom, my lovely mother, did her best and that was amazing. I wish I had listened more and took heed.

My mother died when she was four years older than I am now.  My father died when he was three years younger than I am now.  I miss them and wish I could run so much past them to see what they'd say, or see what they'd advise. Instead, I run it by my sweet sister; what  does she say? Exactly what makes me feel better...what makes me feel valued and loved. She intuitively knows what I need, what will make me smile when I feel like crying. What a great sister !

So that's it for now.  Stay strong and stay in love with yourself and life.