thoughts and words from the heart

People can be misunderstood on so many levels.




Next time you think you have someone figured out...or you find yourself making some sort of judgement..think twice.  That person is just like you. Same feelings, at one time or another, the same thoughts. That person has the same insecurities, annoyances, and loves.  



Thoughts and words from my heart spill out of  my head, out of my mouth, like spitting water when I swim.  Inspirations flash in my head.  And they're just feelings.  Just?

If I could live more than one life, maybe I'd learn to be a better person. Maybe I would be wise like God.  Maybe I would love like God.  I know I'd try.  I'm trying now, but it seems like I'm spinning my wheels.



It's time to sleep and maybe have a good dream tonight.







 But it's time to sleep.  Tomorrow I'll wake and start all over again.  I'm not sure how I'll still try, but I will, I'll still try to love you well.





 And when I wake, thoughts and words from the heart will once again be reigned in and controlled. Taken care of so as not to cause questions, and God knows, no misunderstandings.


Loves from the past; friends smile in my mind.  They come and go. Some stay. Some cut like crazy, some make me happy and love me more than I love them.  That's a good kind. It's light and makes me know I'm okay; when he loves me more than I love him. My grandmother always told me to find someone who loves me a little more than I love him. She was so damn right.



"

"Two Step"

Hey, my love, I came to you with
best intentions
You laid down and gave to me just
what I'm seeking
Love , you drive me to distraction

Hey my love do you believe that we
might last a thousand years
Or more if not for this,
our flesh and blood
It ties you and me right up
Tie me down

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for 
certain
We're climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
These things we cannot change

Hey , my love, you came to me like
wine comes to this mouth
Grown tired of water all the time 
You quench my heart and you 
quench my mind

Happy Birthday Ian!

Thirty five years ago I finally had what I always wanted, a boy.  A beautiful baby boy, with long black hair, thick eyelashes,  beautiful intense eyes, and a will of iron.



That boy, who is now a man, has brought so much joy into my life words can't begin to say.  But a mother's heart is connected with her children's hearts.  What he felt I felt.  I knew my boy.

He was quiet but he was an observer. He watched everything; considered everything, thought about it all. I could see the cogs in his little brain turning over and over.






He would sit on the porch swing with me at night, quietly as we watched the cars go by.  As he grew, he would build cities in his room, or be the little student for his teacher sister.

My boy was strong willed to say the least. And his heart was gold.  His will was strong, stronger than mine, I just had to try and lead him in the right direction. so that his love of life didn't grow dark.



All these years later he is a man, a good man, with a wife, and perhaps someday, a son or a daughter.  I'm proud of what he has become.





He has gone to school, lived on his own, sewn his oats, traveled the world and participated in much life has to offer more than some people ever will.   I am grateful.




I do hope this new year of his life will bring more life discoveries that will continue to form his strong, loving, gentle but strong character.  But I also hope he continues to keep that young spirit he has always fostered.  I love you Ian! Happy birthday!

May the good Lord be with you
Down every road you roam
And may sunshine and happiness
surround you when you're far from home
And may you grow to be proud
Dignified and true
And do unto others
As you'd have done to you
Be courageous and be brave
And in my heart you'll always stay
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young

May good fortune be with you
May your guiding light be strong
Build a stairway to heaven
with a prince or a vagabond

And may you never love in vain
and in my heart you will remain
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young
Forever Young

And when you finally fly away
I'll be hoping that I served you well
For all the wisdom of a lifetime
No one can ever tell

But whatever road you choose
I'm right behind you, win or lose
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young ,Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young
For, Forever Young, Forever Young

Chruch and the Matrix

Today our pastor spoke about opposition. Specifically he spoke about enemies; enemies of your soul. Whether you choose to believe in a devil or satan or anything else evil related, I believe it.  How could I not? All I have to do is read the news and I know something is terribly wrong.

When he asked us to think who are enemy is, the first person that came to mind was myself, the second, Donald Trump.  

Then Allen, our pastor, played this clip:

As Allen so clearly stated, the movie the Matrix is a metaphor of spiritual realities.  Take the blue pill (of apathy?  of not thinking for yourself and questioning?)and you wake up in your own bed, life goes on. Take the red pill and you see what's really going on. 




Years ago, I chose the red pill. But lately, I need to take it again, and again.  





I see that enemies aren't really "flesh and blood".  It's much deeper.  There is a source that I believe could care less about me, or you, but only about God, who IS love. I believe that 'source' is God's enemy.   My chosen belief tells me that this enemy of God wants to destroy love, and instead, put control in it's place. And this enemy really doesn't want you to believe he is real. 



"Have you ever had a dream Neo, that you were so sure it was real? What if you were unable to wake up from that dream?" The Matrix



This life is so thought provoking.  When I was raising kids my life was taken up with trying to do the best I could.  It was so busy. Now, I have more time to think, to ponder. Sort of like when I was younger, before I was married.  When I was looking for the meaning of life.  

"Unfortunately no one can tell you what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself." 

 

I wish you could have been there and soaked up the message. It was powerful and truly opened my sleepy eyes yet again.  (Thanks Allen!)

Church and The Matrix (thanks Allen)

Today our pastor spoke about opposition. Specifically he spoke about enemies; enemies of your soul. Whether you choose to believe in a devil or satan or anything else evil related, I believe it.  How could I not? All I have to do is read the news and I know something is terribly wrong.

When he asked us to think who are enemy is, the first person that came to mind was myself, the second, Donald Trump.  

Then Allen, our pastor, played this clip:



<iframe width="459" height="344" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/RhlXqYiTz2Q" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

As Allen so clearly stated, the movie the Matrix is a metaphor of spiritual realities.  Take the blue pill (of apathy?  of not thinking for yourself and questioning?)and you wake up in your own bed, life goes on. Take the red pill and you see what's really going on. 




Years ago, I chose the red pill. But lately, I need to take it again, and again.  





I see that enemies aren't really "flesh and blood".  It's much deeper.  There is a source that I believe could care less about me, or you, but only about God, who IS love.  (Not has love, gives love, but IS love.)  My chosen belief tells me that there is an enemy of God, who wants to destroy love, and instead, put control in it's place. And this enemy really doesn't want you to believe he is real. 



"Have you ever had a dream Neo, that you were so sure it was real? What if you were unable to wake up from that dream?" The Matrix



This life is so thought provoking.  When I was raising kids my life was taken up with trying to do the best I could.  It was so busy. Now, I have more time to think, to ponder. Sort of like when I was younger, before I was married.  When I was looking for the meaning of life.  

"Unfortunately no one can tell you what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself." 

 

I wish you could have been there and soaked up the message. It was powerful and truly opened my sleepy eyes yet again.  (Thanks Allen!)

Two Step of Life With No One Other Than My Love

Tomorrow is my husband and my 40th anniversary. It's truly crazy to think we have been together for so long.  We have been together longer than we haven't.







Forty years ago, I left my country to marry a guy who I had only known for six months...and then had to leave him for another six months.  I had been in love before, but this was the only time I knew, without a shadow of a doubt that this man loved me; maybe even a tiny bit more than I loved him.  I say man, but looking back we were both kids.  He married me when he was only twenty two.  Geeeesh!





There were so many reasons why I fell for him and I fell hard.  He was more of what I believed to be a real man than any other guy I had ever known.  He was incredibly attractive, a gentleman and a mysterious foreigner.




  



The years are more like chapters in a book and time is blurred and abstract.



It's often that we sit together with a drink on a Friday night and have long, deep conversations about the world, our lives, our loves, tragedies in the news, faith, lack of faith and life in general.  He's one of the most knowledgeable people I know.  He does his homework and although he is a true liberal, he has facts that are above and beyond a lot of people who try to prove a political point. He doesn't form his opinions without contemplating both sides. In any case, that's often what we do.  Just talk.  I disagree with him at times, but one thing is for sure; he has taught me to consider situations I wouldn't have normally thought about or questioned. Because of who he is and how he forms his ideas, it causes me to think deeper and more critically before I form an opinion.  He has taught me some stories aren't what they appear to be, but a lot more complicated.






At this time of our lives, I think we are happier than we have ever been. We're both comfortable in our own skin and that has contributed to a quality relationship of affection, respect and love.   It has caused us to be more tolerant of others and each other when we disagree.  I admire him...I still think he's one of the hottest men around and I sincerely can't imagine my life without him.  He has made me a better woman on so many levels and to that I will always be grateful.

Bad times?  Uhhhhh....need I say more?  Yes, we have had some times where we both had to look deep into our own souls for answers to the more difficult questions.  Because of that I believe we love  and live our relationship to the fullest.  We haven't just settled.  We have stayed together because we genuinely love one another and want to live the rest of our days together.  

Happy 40th Babe....here's to us!





"Two Step"

Hey, my love, I came to you with
best intentions
You laid down and gave to me just
what I'm seeking
Love , you drive me to distraction

Hey my love do you believe that we
might last a thousand years
Or more if not for this,
our flesh and blood
It ties you and me right up
Tie me down

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for
certain
We're climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
These things we cannot change

Hey , my love, your can to me like
wine comes to this mouth
Grown tired of water all the time
You quench my heart and you
quench my mind

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but
sweet for certain
We''re climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
The things we cannot

Celebrate , you and me ,climbing
two by two ,to be sure
these days continue , these things we
cannot change

Oh , my love I came to you
with best intentions
You laid down down and gave to me
just what I'm seeking

Celebrate we will
Because life is short
But sweet for certain
We're climbing two by two
to be sure these days continue
Things we cannot change...
Things we cannot change

Little Moments

Why am I feeling so damned sentimental today?  Uhhhh..maybe because I've been going over Robin Williams videos and also because it's a cloudy, almost rainy day in Phoenix.




You can't have happy without the sad, and you can't have sad without the happy.  I'm convinced of that; at least if there is to be some depth in your soul.




 I'm eccentric and a bit incidental when it comes to my fascination of death.  I lost my first love when I was only eighteen.  I had a dream the night before he died that he was in an accident.  In any case, that sort of set me for life about being obsessed with death and the afterlife.  Personally, I think our society has more of a taboo about death than they do sex.  Whatever.  It is, for most,  a fearful subject because we all know there is no immunity nor escape from it's grasp.  As humans it seems we are very control oriented...and death is one thing that is way beyond our control.



Practicing what I preach would be the ideal.  Knowing that taking risks, living life to the fullest, and entirely enjoying relationships are the all-out important elements for us humans to possess a life of quality. Being conscious and intentional is something I've tried to incorporate into my day to day routine.



When I am pensive it's only instinctive that I look back more than forward. When I see or hear or think of something that touches my soul to the core, there are people and times that come to my attention;  like a slide show in my brain. I remember reading a book called, Sacred Romance, by John Eldredge.  In it he talks about prayer and how he experiences praying.  He said that he will sort of be still in his mind and when a specific thought or image stands out he says, "Okay Lord, where would you have me to go with this."  And that's what I do. It truly is an alluring journey when I follow.



When I take those prayerful journeys, it usually has me reliving and viewing some beautiful moments with people and things I love. The main thing, however,  these little, curious sojourns show me  that caring for others in the most unconditional way, loving others in the most unconditional way, is really the most important thing there is.  It's what we will take with us when we go to the other side of that  thin, foggy line.

My Loves

By now most of you know how I love animals. I can't eat them, and I can't think about leather being from an animal. Eventually I'll get rid of all my leather stuff.  But I'm not writing to talk about the evils of killing for gluttony or luxury.  I'm writing about my love of animals.  Now, as it is, I have three dogs. I really don't want three dogs...but I can't see me not having three.  It's truly like having kids, in all respects.  However, animals are a little easier but not a whole lot less expensive.



 I am dog sitting for my little grand dog Luke.  Luke is a 6 pound miniature poodle who is 16, going on 17 years old.  He has  a strong heart, still can see a little, not sure how much he hears, but has teeth worse than anything I've ever seen.  I took him to the vet today to see what I could do.  I can't stand to see suffering. I mean the poor little guy has to be uncomfortable, to say the least.  I was ready to pay up to $300 to have all of his teeth and plaque removed.  When I received an estimate of almost a thousand dollars I could have cried.  How freakin' absurd is that?  I saw the bill broken down to each item.  It was insanely ridiculous.  I told her I could not not afford this, nor could I afford the blood test to see if he could live through the procedure.  After waiting for a long time, the vet came in again to tell me she could put him on antibiotics and some pain meds.  Well, thank you very much. That's what I did.

I've cleaned Luke up, wiped away the stickiness from his eyes, and trimmed his beard and eye hair, then brushed his teeth and cleaned his mouth. It was followed by a spray that would clean his mouth a little to take away the horrible smell the bacteria was causing.

The third dog I've recently acquired is on Prozac. He had a very traumatic experience; his owner of four years gave him away for whatever reason.  He barks incessantly and we had to do something. It was driving everyone near him nuts.  Of course you can't yell, "be quiet" or anything else. To do that is just as crazy as the barking. It just doesn't work.  He barks because of severe anxiety.  FINALLY scientists are figuring out from observations and testing what I've known all of my life; dogs are a lot more intelligent than humans have given them credit for. DUH!!!

So, the beautiful Australian Shepherd is on Prozac and a pill from the health food store called Quiet Moments.  Don't laugh!  It works.



Being a doggie momma is a whole lot like being a baby momma. The guilt, the insecurities, the quirks, the questions, the joy, the pain.  It's not easy.  But to know that I'm giving these dogs a lot of love and good life is about as rewarding as it gets.












 Where the hell did I get such a messianic complex?

I love these guys.





They are sweet, innocent and subject to humans crappy ways we treat them and the earth in general.  I wish I would have been so vigilant when I was younger. In those days, people were much more valued than animals. We, the people who loved animals as much as humans, were looked at as crazy, almost as blasphemous.  Whatever....In those days I wasn't as secure with myself and my values as I am now.  The stupid people I put up with was mind boggling.  However, I can only blame myself and the times back then.

I'm glad we've come this far, but we have a long way to go. Let's keep going.