Almost Home??

Sitting here anxiously awaiting the keys to my new house, it's like I've been in this dream for almost a year.  About a year ago both of our children were gone; moved out west.  Even though my Kansas City home was at last made into our dream home, it was empty.  Thus began our journey to relocate closer to family.  Wow...I had no idea it would be so.....uh....what should I say?  So difficult?  I don't like to use negatives for anything, so maybe I could just say it was very challenging.  We're almost home free.  We closed today, signed all the papers, finalized all the insurance, warranties etc.  And now, for some red tape reason, which everyone has explained to me over and over and I still don't get it other than lack of trust in our great society, we don't have the keys yet. 

I do have the paint ordered and we're on our way to make it ours.  YAY!  I have another blog called spacesweetspace where I will visually document all the changes.  In the meantime on this blog I'll focus on the emotions.  Waiting, waiting, waiting. Being damn frustrated with realtors!  Is it just in Arizona?  Oh well...

My mother-in-law will be here from Israel in two weeks..yeah, that's right 2 weeks...as in 14 days.  I want to be settled, painted and have a little time to sit and enjoy.  We'll see, and for sure I'll keep you posted...In the meantime, thanks for reading my vents.

Life Goes On

Someone once said that life goes like a railroad track.  On one side there's always something good and on the other...well...you know the rest.  Sometimes I keep forgetting and then when something contrary to the way I think  life should  happen actually happens, then I get wacked. right off the track.  I've been on a sort of journey to the center of self the last ten years and it's definately NOT been boring.  The good news is that I found this person inside of me that whispers "all is working out for my highest good, I am safe."  No, I'm not in any sort of trouble or anything so don't let your mind wander...I'm just thinking and experiencing me. 

I have found me.  I like that.  Years ago, I was sitting on the couch in my little living room and out of the blue I just said, "I'm lost."  Just like that.  Didn't think it, just said it.  Weird.  But I was lost, terribly lost and guess what?  Now I'm found.  Maybe not totally, maybe not every minute of the day. Maybe not at first when my foot gets stuck on the 'bad' side of the track.  But for the most part I know who I am and I know who I want to be.  I see my sins and try to turn from them. I see my positive side and I try to embrace that.  Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes I'm not.  But I try. I have been brainwashing myself now for about 3 years, maybe more.  Thinking bad thoughts about anything, and especially people, is something I'm washing out of my brain.  So far, so good.  Boundries are a whole 'nother blog though.  But that was the word that came to my mind just now...loving with boundries. 

Anyway, that's it for now....til next time...coming to you from the land of eternal sun.

Ghosts of a House

Sitting here in my empty dining room on a mattress and box springs where there was once a large antique table, I realize that this house is filled with time that stands still.  There are clips of memories that are now coming back to life as I look around. In the now empty living room I see woman, sitting on her couch, alone, broken,  and feeling almost like she's hit rock bottom. But really if she could see into the future she would see it's just the beginning of the beginning.  She is separated from her husband of 30 years and it is now becoming apparent that she still loves him not matter what...a taste of that unconditonal love she's been preaching about all her life is now being experienced inside her broken heart.  He returns she is a different person...changed forever.

Coming into focus is New Year's Eve, 1999.  This home is filled with light and laughter and kids, young adults being kids for another night of craziness, loud music and taking over the house. In the basement there's a ping-pong table...so many kids filling the house. and Prince singing, yeah that's right, '1999'.  It's all theirs for the night...We, the adults (except for the youth leader who is sort of an adult...just sort of.) leave and go somewhere a little more,..... uh,... well, a little more adult.

I see a cold Christmas Eve with lots of snow on the ground.  So much snow in fact,  it's really not going to be wise to try and make it to church.  As I look near the white brick fireplace there is a roaring fire, the home is dressed beautifully, and you can tell it's feeling particularly exquisit tonight.  Adults are standing and sitting around the dining table where there are all sorts of delicacies not normally offered. But tonight it's special; Christmas music is playing and a gorgeous little girl wearing a lavendar taffeta dress with a black velvet skirt is dancing her heart out as her little brother joins in;  jumping, twirling and shaking their heads from side to side...the little girl's hair moving as if the wind were blowing perfectly around her stunning, little face.  Her eyes are closed and the smile on her face shows she is in no other moment than this one....The little boy couldn't be more perfect as he takes his sister's hand and they twirl.  Life doesn't get any better than this...but now it's fading....gone.  Back in time, sitting on the mattress.

As I look into the kitchen I see the French doors that lead out onto the beautiful brick walled patio with the great water fountain/pond.  The wedding is over and the bride and groom and lots and lots of family members have a sort of impromptu get-together with bagels from Panara.  Dozens of bagels with amazing cream cheese.  It's hot, but a cool breeze has honored the day.  The bride and groom sitting on the porch swing...another beginning...This home gracefully helps us with the celebration.

The ghosts of moments past fade in and out today.  This house has loved me well.  It's taken beatings from the most horrific battles in my life, and it's taken my love offerings of new paint,  making it's interior a beautiful space for even more memories to be made.




Tomorrow I leave...and then in a few days another owner will unlock the doors.  I pray he will feel the voice of the house.  Quite frankly, I'm not so sure he'll hear the memories of years past.  I'm letting go though, and moving on to a new space a world away. 

Goodbye little house....