I Enjoy Being a Girl........The Fear

  Last night I had my hair done.  The more I looked into the mirror, the worse I felt about myself; and not just physically.  I'm sixty years old and still dealing with the juvinile battle of what beauty is and trying to be skinny. All we have really, here in the US, are hollywood people telling us how beauty is defined.  Now, to be honest, they have a point.  It's been said that facial beauty has a lot to do with facial symmetry.  That makes sense to me, but not so sure I totally believe it all.  And of course we know about body image and weight. 

However, I think it's time to redefine beauty, at least in my life.  I can't keep up.  Even Joan Rivers can't keep up no matter how hard she tries. She must know, as I think shes's an intelligent woman, that she lives behind a self inflicted mask.




I remember in my forties, it was then I began, yet again, to be militant with myself.  I realized that men actually did put beauty as a number one priority when searching for women.  By now, my kids were almost grown and all that I had left to deal with was me.   I noticed that I didn't like me very much.  I was overweight by quite a lot and lost inside of a body that wasn't serving me well.  I felt lost.  It wasn't just the beauty factor either.  It was much more complicated than that.  Lucky me though, when I am upset, I can't eat.  Although I had already been on regime to take care of myself, lose the weight and get healthy, I had some upsets in my life, beginning with losing my father,  ten years later my mother, and to top it all off, some major issues in my marrige of twenty five years. I lost my appetite for food.  No, I didn't get anorexic and skinny,  I just lost about sixy pounds over ten years and was at my goal weight. By now I was in my fifties and  weighed what I did in high school.  It actually felt pretty darn good. 

I made up for my 'large' years in my forties. It was fun buying most any kind of outfit and having it fit wonderfully.  But all things pass, and although I didn't gain all of the weight back, I did gain some.  And now, at sixty, I still want to be that tiny.  Yet, my thinking is far different in this stage of my life.  I'm not so sure I totally care enough to do a lot about it. My body is rebelling against the idea of working out; working out hard for an hour five times a week.  It's telling me it might do three times a week.....just maybe.








I think that I'm writing this because I'm wondering what life will be like for my granddaughter when she's older. 



She's this happy little eight year old, dancing to WII, jumping on the trampoline, hates having her hair combed and could care less about what she wears as long as it's comfortable.  Oh..Did I mention she's beautiful? Totally beautiful!  And no, I'm not saying that because she's my granddaughter. I know, however, that soon, she'll be made aware of what all the money makers want her to be aware of;  "If you don't buy OUR products", you may wind up looking like a goat, or a pig, or (gasp gasp)  an individual with a sense of ownership and pride of her own beauty!!!

Okay, I'm absolutely not saying that being overweight is just fine and beautiful.  Because it's really not.  Health is beautiful!  Weighing in a little over or under what some health professionals say is a healthy weight could be the best thing. As long as one is taking care of one's body.  At least that's my opinion.  Yet the most high profile people who set trends, they are stick thin and whether they are conscious of it or not, they promote being skinny. 











Another thing that the money powers that be define as beauty are fake breasts, (they don't move...they stay plastered to one spot on the chest), hair that is long and sort of curled back, thick lips, and of course a perfect body.  And don't even think of having a nose with a bump....


There are so many girls and women that have a messed up body image.  They look at themselves in the mirror and see a skinny person if they are fat, or a fat person if they are skinny. 







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Who do we blame for introducing us to this obsession?  Some women blame men but I think that's a cop out.  Men actually have pressures to be a certain way too. Whether it's having money, or looking a certain way, men feel the pressure too. 








Maybe if we woke up and thought for ourselves that would take care of the outside pressure and lead the way to a brand new trend of acceptance.  Maybe if we thought about our talents and worked on bringing those out and using those to our fullest advantage, just maybe that would change this mega force that is focused on physical looks. 

I believe  Adele is one of those women who has done just that.  God bless you Adele!




My father always used to say, "You're the pretty one."  That was it.  I was beautiful.  Not intelligent.  Not talented.  Not a good singer.  I was the "pretty" one.  I was also a daddy's girl, I loved my daddy.  He was a very talented singer and actor.  He had a day job; he chose to be married and have a family rather than pursue his dream of acting and singing for a living. He did however, sing in a band, and act locally.  I remember when he would  be getting ready for a gig, He was in the bathroom shaving, doing voice exercises to prepare.  I'd sit on the lid of the toilet just watching him  He was my hero....and I was the pretty one.  hmmmmmmm Maybe that's why, at my age, I so love and relate to Lily Allen's song,    "The Fear".....................


The Fear"

I want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don't care about clever I don't care about funny
I want loads of clothes and fuckloads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them

And I'll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
'Cause everyone knows that's how you get famous.

I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track, yeah I'm on to a winner.

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
And when do you think it will all become clear?
'Cause I'm being taking over by The Fear

Life's about film stars and less about mothers
It's all about fast cars and cussing each other
But it doesn't matter cause I'm packing plastic
And that's what makes my life so fucking fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
And it's not my fault it's how I'm programmed to function

Forget about guns and forget ammunition
'Cause I'm killing them all on my own little mission
Now I'm not a saint but I'm not a sinner
Now everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner

Thanks Lily, this says it all.......when we gonna change girls???