Here's To Our Journey!!

Okay, so, 37 years ago today, I was getting ready to get married to a guy I barely knew.  However, at the time, I was so crazy in love the world could have ended and it would have been alright with me as long as I was with him.  I really thought I knew him.  No, I take that back.  I didn't even think about it.  Let me back up a bit:

Flashback to the summer of 1975.  My friend and I had travelled to Israel to spread our good news....I was part of the Jesus Movement and I wanted to basically convert the Jews to believe Jesus is their messiah.  So, I was living on a kibbutz working and learning their language.




And the pic below shows where we lived.

(that's Louie on the porch)


 I made a six month committment to do the ulpon program which was just that, working and learning Hebrew.  The first night that I arrived at Kibbutz Galed (in the Galilee region) I met him.  A wild looking British guy with frizzy hair, tight jeans and dark t-shirt. In a thick accent he asked where we were from.  When I told him America, he said, "Oh no, not more."  Yeah, nice first impression right?


As time went on we became friends and sort of hung out.  I remember going on a class trip to a beautiful place called Tel Dan.




The thing I remember most about him was that he was such a gentleman.  In the truest sense of the word.  He stayed with me, made sure that when we walked, the brush on the trail was out of my way.  That sort of did it for me.




Not to mention I thought he was pretty good looking.

It seems like a dream away, long ago and far away.  Here it is, over thirty seven years later.

Okay, I'm rambling.  To make a long story short, we went on a class trip to Massada.  That's where the Jews killed themselves to prove to the Romans, who had them trapped, that they would not die by their hands.  Anyway, Phil asked me to marry him there...where the jews killed themselves.





When he asked me, I said "I think I'm going to vomit."  (sort of a line I stole from a friend.)  But I did feel like that....butterflies etc. About a week before I had told him I wanted to talk to him.  He had just gotten back from work, which was milking the cows, and he felt pretty grubby.  He asked me if it could wait until after he showered.  I told him no...it could not!  I proceeded to tell him that I felt more for him than just a friend.  (At this point I was feeling pretty vulnerable, I didn't want to get hurt and rejected.)  He smiled, told me he felt the same, and suggested we take it "nice and slow."  Yeah, the next week he proposed.

Since then, we have been through three countries, three states, and five cities together.  Like I said, it seems like a world away that we met.  We've been through a lot more than geographical places too.  Our lives took several bumpy, and painful turns that we had no idea was part of our journey.  We have also had some beautiful times which  has been part of the glue that has held us together. We made two phenomenal children together, our greatest accomplishment, and now have three, brilliant, gorgeous grandchildren.

Our love has settled and matured, but has never lost it's spark.  I still see him and get excited when he walks in a room.  He is my best friend, my lover and we are growing old together.  It truly seems like last week we used to say that we wanted to be like the song "When I'm Sixy Four"....and that's just around the corner.

People talk about soul mates, and I believe there are those that we come in contact with where the connection is so strong that they become a part of your heart, a part of your soul.  He is just that....I love him and will always love him.

Here's to us!!!!

Oh Happy Day!!!

Yesterday was a rough day.  Actually, the last few days I have not been  my regular, energetic self.  My body has ached, my activity level has been pretty low, and I have had to use huge amounts of effort in doing the smallest tasks.  In other words, my motivation level has been almost nil.




At first I thought perhaps I have had one too many alcoholic beverages, (gasp, gasp!!!) so I just laid off the tart, happy drinks altogether and found that wasn't the reason I have been so lethargic.   Then, deep in the crowded room of my mind, I thought that maybe I should just go to bed early and sleep; sleep long and hard, sleep in such a way that I dream and totally remember my dreams.  And that I did!


After a rather dismal, yet sunny and hellishly hot day, I drug my pitiful self up to my room with a view, and laid down in my comfy bed with all four dogs lovingly by my side,  and wham!!!  I was out like a light. That was at 8:30.  I slept almost twelve, blissful, dream filled hours and then, of course, woke up.


I have mentioned  this in earlier blogs; I believe that the dead can talk.




 Sometimes, more often than nought, I wake up at around 3:30 and feel as if I'm not alone.  A lot of  times I think of my mother, my father, or a friend that I have lost in this waking life is right there with me.












 Sometimes I get a little creeped out...not a lot, but a little, and I just keep my eyes closed.  But indeed, I feel someone is there, honestly, loving me.  Last night I felt another friend.  A friend I have had probably all of my life, but hadn't been awar eof until 1972, when I decided to give him my time, my thoughts, my heart, my life.  Because I went to sleep so early, I woke around 12:30 a.m. That's when I thought of him.  I just said his name in my head over and over.




 Not for any particular reason either...I just haven't done that in a long time and I sort of missed being aware of his presence with me.  "Jesus, you there?  I miss you.  I want to sort of feel you now if that's okay ." And, but of course, he came through.  That gentle, but profound feeling of "a dead person" in the room with me.

Now usually I feel there are "people" or "souls" with me at this bewitching hour when I wake and Phil is asleep on the couch, and I'm alone.




Same thing happened last night. I felt Jesus, a dead person, if you will.  But there was something really different about feeling him with me rather than my father, my mother, my teenage boyfriend who left far too early in my opinion.  It was a cleaner feeling...(that's the word that mainly comes to mind..."cleaner")  and  lighter feeling.

You know, when Jesus said I am the light, sometimes I think he meant it in another way rather than all shiney and bright and blinding.  I think he meant it in a happy way, a fresh way, a weight way....Like a baloon, or like flying.





 If that makes any sort of sense.  It sure does to me; especially when I felt him in my room last night.

The very cool thing is that when I finally woke up today, I felt lighter.  I felt lighter than I have felt in weeks.  Some skeptics would say, "yeah, because you slept so long and so well." And of course I  would agree with them.  But I'm taking it a step further.  When I woke, the heaviness from the last few days was there a bit....I remembered it....but something very transforming happened.  I had this thought in my head, like a voice that said in so many words, " It's a new day, a fresh day and I'm here with you.  Always have been, I'll never leave you, and I love you forever! So be happy, be light and enjoy the day."  How' bout that????  Pretty cool right?  I think so.



Happy Monday all....love to you!

Oh happy day

when Jesus washed

when he washed

all my sins away!!!

The Truth Will Set You Free...Free Indeed!!!

I enjoy reading articles on "Red Letter Christians".  Today I read one that was particularly interesting to me,  it was about pornography.   I truly hesitated to write because my discomfort level was becoming increasingly high.  It's such a personal thing...such a personal subject when it's talking about 'you'.  Even now as I type, I feel awkward and uncertain, you know, the 'what will people think' syndrome.  Anyway, here goes:


When my marriage hit the 24 year mark, the whole thing threw up in my face when I discovered some very unsettling things about my husbands visits to the internet.  I was doing laundry and passed our desktop where something popped up which caused me to be greatly disturbed. Let's just say it changed my life, little did I know it then.



Back then I was busy  raising kids, working, and trying to "live up to God's standards", whatever that meant.  I honestly felt that if I did all that I was supposed to do, God would protect me from all the dirt that I heard about 'out there'.  First mistake: there are no guarentees.  Second mistake: I failed to see signs  that I was losing myself , that I had been drummed into an almost sober, drunken stupor of trying to be someone that I wasn't, of  settling for something less than I knew was good for me, and letting myself get lost in the cares of life.  Thirdly: I failed to pay attention to the lack of connection that I had with my husband, and how it was affecting my feelings, or lack thereof, for him.  And lastly, I failed to admit that our constant bickering was like cancer to both of our souls.


The day that I found out that my husband had  sexual interest s other than my 49 year old image, is the day when my life totally commutated.




I thought, even though imperfect, my marriage was normal.  That no one was truly happy in their marriage and I'd just have to accept something less than what I had always wanted.   When I realized that my husband had a 'problem', all of my problems floated to the surface, and not with gentle ease .  It was a long, painful process for me to be able to look at my own issues that were damaging  myself, my husband, my children, and those around me.  His issue of pornography was just something that I could use against him so that I wouldn't have to admit my own shortcomings.




For years I was bitter and angry and I easily blamed him for my pain, I was his victim, and I played the part well.  The trouble was, being a victim is a bondage almost like addiction. I finally became so miserable that wanted to be free from victimhood.




The trouble was, I still loved him.  I still wanted to be the apple of his eye, I still wanted to grow old with him.  But I didn't want to share him either, I didn't want to share him with images of a perfect woman, with a perfect body, and I didn't want to share him with online women who fed his ego more than I could ever do.


The thing is, I had spent years "sinning against him" in ways that were not socially looked down upon like porn is to a marriage.  Then, what I call a miracle happened.  It was after years of both of us suffering from our own toxic behavior, I was able to see that what I hated about him, was really a reflection of what I hated about myself.


To go into this any deeper would be like a therapy session with my amazing therapist, so I'll spare you the maudlin details.But I was finally able to accept my husband exactly the way he was/is, knowing there are no guarentees. I wanted him exactly the way he was/is, imperfections and all.



So, with lots of counselling, I found myself again, and it was a pretty joyful reunion, although the journey was and is a long, exceedingly tedious one.



 I worked hard on myself and he worked hard on himself.  We both love one another, we both still have the spark we had years ago when we were young and in love.  Maybe that's what has kept us together, or at least a part of the fact that we are still together.


Porn in a marriage is an odd creature.  I really think porn is a  new taboo subject.




 It seems people would  much rather talk about the evils of politics, abortion, animal rights, or anything other than  how porography will affect the mind, the heart and relationships.

Reading "Marriage Damaged by Porn: A Pastors Reflections" by TC Ryan opened up yet again, my thoughts on the subject, on my personal experience.  Thankfully, he addressed the spouse or the parter of the person who had a problem with porn rather than spending all the time on the addict her/himself.

My sister went through her own hell years ago. When I would cry on her proverbial shoulder, she told me that her hell was now, like a gift to her.  The only thing I could think was that I sure didn't want anything to do with that kind of gift. That was years ago.  Now I have come to terms with my own life experiences and I agree with her.  Because of what I found that day years ago, because Pandora's Box opened for me and never again will be shut, I was able to gain so many beautiful  insights about life and being human.I have grown in so many ways I didn't think possible.  Losing myself, I found myself.  Losing my marriage, I now have found it again.  Funny the way that is.

A week from today we will be celebrating our 37th year of being married.  I have been with him longer than I have not been with him.  We sort of grew up together.  Thankfully the drama is pretty much over.  And let me tell you, it was d r a m a!!!  I don't want that anymore, I don't want to be the person that I was, I would rather have true peace, even if it means going to hell and back.    It took a long time to find it, but thank God (and I don't say that as a cliche')  I have found peace, and I have found a faith in God that is sincere, imperfect, but very real, and very strong.

Truth is by nature self-evident. As soon as you remove the cobwebs of ignorance that surround it, it shines clear.
Mahatma Gandhi   

I always wanted the 'truth', no matter what the cost.  I didn't ever want to live my life with my head in the sand. And I haven't, at least not in the last few years.   I am happier for it, more at peace because of it. It's true....the truth will set you free indeed.