When my marriage hit the 24 year mark, the whole thing threw up in my face when I discovered some very unsettling things about my husbands visits to the internet. I was doing laundry and passed our desktop where something popped up which caused me to be greatly disturbed. Let's just say it changed my life, little did I know it then.
Back then I was busy raising kids, working, and trying to "live up to God's standards", whatever that meant. I honestly felt that if I did all that I was supposed to do, God would protect me from all the dirt that I heard about 'out there'. First mistake: there are no guarentees. Second mistake: I failed to see signs that I was losing myself , that I had been drummed into an almost sober, drunken stupor of trying to be someone that I wasn't, of settling for something less than I knew was good for me, and letting myself get lost in the cares of life. Thirdly: I failed to pay attention to the lack of connection that I had with my husband, and how it was affecting my feelings, or lack thereof, for him. And lastly, I failed to admit that our constant bickering was like cancer to both of our souls.
The day that I found out that my husband had sexual interest s other than my 49 year old image, is the day when my life totally commutated.
I thought, even though imperfect, my marriage was normal. That no one was truly happy in their marriage and I'd just have to accept something less than what I had always wanted. When I realized that my husband had a 'problem', all of my problems floated to the surface, and not with gentle ease . It was a long, painful process for me to be able to look at my own issues that were damaging myself, my husband, my children, and those around me. His issue of pornography was just something that I could use against him so that I wouldn't have to admit my own shortcomings.
For years I was bitter and angry and I easily blamed him for my pain, I was his victim, and I played the part well. The trouble was, being a victim is a bondage almost like addiction. I finally became so miserable that wanted to be free from victimhood.
The trouble was, I still loved him. I still wanted to be the apple of his eye, I still wanted to grow old with him. But I didn't want to share him either, I didn't want to share him with images of a perfect woman, with a perfect body, and I didn't want to share him with online women who fed his ego more than I could ever do.
The thing is, I had spent years "sinning against him" in ways that were not socially looked down upon like porn is to a marriage. Then, what I call a miracle happened. It was after years of both of us suffering from our own toxic behavior, I was able to see that what I hated about him, was really a reflection of what I hated about myself.
To go into this any deeper would be like a therapy session with my amazing therapist, so I'll spare you the maudlin details.But I was finally able to accept my husband exactly the way he was/is, knowing there are no guarentees. I wanted him exactly the way he was/is, imperfections and all.
So, with lots of counselling, I found myself again, and it was a pretty joyful reunion, although the journey was and is a long, exceedingly tedious one.
I worked hard on myself and he worked hard on himself. We both love one another, we both still have the spark we had years ago when we were young and in love. Maybe that's what has kept us together, or at least a part of the fact that we are still together.
Porn in a marriage is an odd creature. I really think porn is a new taboo subject.
It seems people would much rather talk about the evils of politics, abortion, animal rights, or anything other than how porography will affect the mind, the heart and relationships.
Reading "Marriage Damaged by Porn: A Pastors Reflections" by TC Ryan opened up yet again, my thoughts on the subject, on my personal experience. Thankfully, he addressed the spouse or the parter of the person who had a problem with porn rather than spending all the time on the addict her/himself.
My sister went through her own hell years ago. When I would cry on her proverbial shoulder, she told me that her hell was now, like a gift to her. The only thing I could think was that I sure didn't want anything to do with that kind of gift. That was years ago. Now I have come to terms with my own life experiences and I agree with her. Because of what I found that day years ago, because Pandora's Box opened for me and never again will be shut, I was able to gain so many beautiful insights about life and being human.I have grown in so many ways I didn't think possible. Losing myself, I found myself. Losing my marriage, I now have found it again. Funny the way that is.
A week from today we will be celebrating our 37th year of being married. I have been with him longer than I have not been with him. We sort of grew up together. Thankfully the drama is pretty much over. And let me tell you, it was d r a m a!!! I don't want that anymore, I don't want to be the person that I was, I would rather have true peace, even if it means going to hell and back. It took a long time to find it, but thank God (and I don't say that as a cliche') I have found peace, and I have found a faith in God that is sincere, imperfect, but very real, and very strong.
Truth is by nature self-evident. As soon as you remove the cobwebs of ignorance that surround it, it shines clear.
Mahatma Gandhi
I always wanted the 'truth', no matter what the cost. I didn't ever want to live my life with my head in the sand. And I haven't, at least not in the last few years. I am happier for it, more at peace because of it. It's true....the truth will set you free indeed.
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