they say it's your birthday..well it's my birthday too yeah!

Sooooooooooo...it's that time of year again. The time that reminds me that I'm one more day closer to death than I was yesterday.  I know, I know..you may be thinking how negative that is...but it's true isn't it?  I mean none of us are here forever..at least not in this form.  If I died today people would be able to say that I lived a full life; some don't make it to this age.  Do I think about death..well yeah..I actually do.  I mean, I was lying in my hammock, looking up at our palm trees thinking that they're at least thirty years old.  Thinking that is how long it probably took them to grow so tall and beautiful.





I thought about the concept of thirty years. I thought about it because in the past, I wouldn't have.  I would have just wondered what sort of tree I could plant and see the fruit of it's growth in thirty years.  In thirty years I'll be in my 90's, that is if I live to be in my 90's.  Odds are that I won't because no one on my side of the family actually did live to be that old.


Okay, so where was I?  Oh yeah, my birthday is tomorrow.  Since I had my "epic birthday" two years ago my whole mentality has changed.  It hasn't changed intentionally, it just has changed. Before the epic, I would look at women in their 30's and say to myself with relatively strong confidence: "yeah, I can do that, or can be that or........whatever".   Now I don't do that.  I realize that there are some opportunites that are now gone.  I used to believe that my whole life was before me.  Because it was.  Now, subtly and ever so slowly, it has changed.  My life is mostly behind me.  Not to say that I don't have so much more to offer, because I know that I do...it's just...well...limited.


I love beauty and I love to be beautiful.  I have worked very hard at staying or becoming a beauity.  Maybe it was because my father always told me how beautiful I was. Once, when I was quite over weight, he offered me $1000 to  lose the weight.  I didn't though. But in any case, I do love to feel beautiful, sexy and young.  Now, after the epic...I realize the limitations of "beauty" and "young".  I am proud of my strength, I am grateful for my health, and I look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman.  Still...the end is near.  How near I'm not so sure...but it is near at least by twenty years.


As far as my inward beauty: I still care deeply for the children of this world..of this country.  I still have this gift, that I believe was given to me by God himself, to work with the young.  I am grateful that I am doing this and I am so grateful that for most of my life I have made a difference in a lot of young people's life.  I have loved them unconditionally and have tried to show them that they are the jewels of life...that their potential is limitless and is ahead of them.




Mine is not...


So, tomorrow I will celebrate the fact that 62 years ago, my mother pushed me out of her being and I gulped my first breath of this life.  It hasn't been easy breathing the air of this life..but it has been rich.  I realize the power that I was born with because I believe that I was created in the image of God.  But I also realize that God is more powerful and has been with me through ALL of this journey; loving me, trying to show me he is there, and feeling all of the feelings I have felt.  I am grateful for the revalation of faith..for the revalation of Jesus, whom I love.  I love him imperfectly...but I think he's okay with that.



This particular birthday is not "epic"...Frankly I think I'm done with "epic birthdays".  But it is, in fact, a reminder that life is a gift and that I  need to embrace it, because my days in this chapter of my being, are numbered.

Happy birthday to me!!!

Politics Lies and Religion

I'm going on a rant here...You have time to close this up and not read at alll; I wouldn't blame you if you did.  So here I go..........




I'm sick, really sick hearted at the hate I hear from so called christians; they're usually around my age, old and have had the vulnerability and idealism of youth washed out of their system for a while. I don't hear it so much from people under 45. I intentionally try not to read the news, or listen to political discussions anymore.  It's useless, not because there aren't legitimate points, but because they are so unbelievably hateful about it that when I'm finished, I feel as if I was in the middle of a dog fight

.  Someone very close to me posted on facebook how someone in her family is not getting the medication they need to ease their pain because of Obamacare.  To me that's bullshit.  It's propoganda from the greedy right wing. (I know..I sound as bad as they are only on the other end.)  These are people who profess to "love the lord with all their heart" are worried that  money will run out, the government will take it from them ..or someone else will get it instead of them. (Because it is their hard earned money dontchaknow.) I'm assuming they aren't taking seriously the whole teaching of Jesus.  I'm assuming they are not ready to sell all they have and give to the poor.


 But of course, the WHOLE bible is the literal word of God...so what do they do with that?

Another so called Christian man is more than hateful about our president on fb. (of course) Calling him a liar etc.  Does he forget that he had sexual relations with another woman other than his wife?  Does she know?  I dont't think so..at least not the full extent of it. God help me because I'm really fed up.  I want to follow Jesus, but I'm wondering about  label..."christian".  This same man who lied to his wife and to his friend called democrats "godless liberals"...So I guess I'm "godless". I've been kicked out of their club.




The religious right, or the tea party,  think they are the chosen and think that they are right, without a doubt.  I don't think they measure what they interpret through love.  Take the gay issue.  WOW...They fought gay rights tooth and nail, but didn't win.  Yet wait a minute; doesn't the bible say that God sets up who he wants to be the leader of our country?? Romans13:1  Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except by God’s appointment, and the authorities that exist have been instituted by God

I think my point is that when I signed up to follow Christ, I wanted to follow HIM.  He loved me so much he made a huge difference in my life, and still does to this day.




But it isn't because I allign him and his teachings with my political philosophy. (I think that's why Judas followed him and look what happened to Judas.) It isn't because I believe that if I follow him I'll live the American dream. I dont follow him so that I can develop a protestant work ethic in order to be buried  in a beautiful casket. (I'm donating my body to science because I think the funeral business is outrageous.)

I follow him because Jesus showed us the way to bring light into the world through love.  His life, death and resurrection was pure love being acted out.  That's why I follow him.


Personally, I think my dear friend who blames Obamacare on pretty much everything that goes wrong has been brain washed.  So have I.  I've been brainwashed by all that I allow myself to believe.  Whether it's former President George Bush, or President Obama, I will show them respect and honor because after all, God put them there, God wants them there.

It doesn't mean I can hold my tongue when something really baffles me and upsets me.  I'm working on it though. I wish I didn't feel this way.  I wish I could ignore things people say and not let it get to me.  But I can't.  it's not in me.  It gets me everytime..I'll end on this note!

A Comfortable Couch and My Dogs...I'm Not Really An Empty Nester

Having a dog is a lot like having children.  They annoy you and you feel guilty, they demand your attention, they make huge messes, they limit test, they're awkward and break things, they're extremely demanding of attention, (At least some dogs are.) and with one injury, one sickness, or one yelp of pain, they can rip your heart right out of your chest with worry.


Am I eccentric?  Yep, you bet I am! But really, dogs are totally comparable to children. I myself am an empty nester yet  I'm sitting here on my lovely couch on a Friday night, listening to the fork I just ate with, tap, tap, tap on my steel coffee table.  Milo, my Australian Shepherd is licking it, making sure he gets every last flavor of green beans off the tines.  Annoying! Yes, that's right, Milo loves all food, and will eat all food: cabbage, peaches, green beans, you name it, he'll eat it.  Even Tasha, my part Pug, part Australian Cattle Dog turns her nose up at most things Milo will eat in a flash...and Tasha lives for food. As I was saying, I'm sitting her on my lovely Maxwell sofa from Restoration Hardware and, if any of you are familiar with this sofa, you will know that it's the size of a single bed.  But I'm perched right on the edge, as I share it with Lexy, my 13 year old American Eskimo, and Tasha.



At times, Milo will try to lunge up, ease up or get up here in any way he can, but I push him down.  Again, the feelings of guilt come as he lay on the tile floor looking up at me with his fantastically beautiful blue eyes.....for God's sake!!!


Tomorrow is Saturday, I get to sleep later than 5:30.  But I won't because Milo especially is in the habit of coming upstairs and jumping in the bed, using his nose to butt me like I'm a sheep he's trying to herd. He's wants action.  He's slept most of the night and now he's ready to go.  Fortunately I'm not a single parent when it comes to my "babies".  My husband, after a loooooooooooong time, has grown very, very fond of our four legged children.  As a matter of fact, he's grown especially fond of Tasha.  Tasha is his girl.


So, having said that, it's story time.  My husband is a good "daddy" to our dogs.  He takes them on a 30 minute hike  in the cool 6:30 a.m. morning. We live literally a two minute walk from a small mountain across the street and that is the stomping ground for the four of them.  He, illegal as it may be, lets them off leash.


  Lexy, who is 13 and deaf, stays close by and is no threat to anyone or anything. Tasha, who is just about two, runs like crazy, all over.  And according to Phil, he doesn't let Milo off the leash too much yet because he still is so young.  Even though he too is getting on his second year of life, he is fairly new to our family and we want to keep him safe.  (aAthough he did get out once and came back when his fun was over, scratching at the front door to get in.  Me....inside crying because I'd looked everywhere for him and he was nowhere to be seen.) My husband told me his experience today about his usual hike.

Tasha ran up to a young woman, (Tasha was NOT barking...as a matter of fact her tail was probably wagging..she loves to play with other dogs.) and the woman in a mean voice told Phil to get her (Tasha) away.  Phil was going to put Tasha on a leash but before he could, the woman threw a rock at Tasha...SHE THREW A ROCK AT MY BABY...AT OUR BABY.  My husband was shocked.  My husband who is usually very mild mannered, at least to strangers, looked at her and matter of factly said, "You bitch....you fucking bitch."  YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know...some may think right now that I'm crazy etc etc etc...but I'm soooo glad he said that.  Tasha wouldn't hurt a fly. If you knew her, you'd see how very gentle she is.  That woman WAS a btich. I am a momma bear for sure.

So, I am not truly an empty nester.  If we go out of town, we can't just "go".  No matter what I do, I consider how it will affect my dogs, and that will determine my decision.  But with these dogs is my heart.  I am forever in love with them for just who they are.  Whether they are annoying, demanding, whether they eat too much, shed like it's going out of style, or jump up on guests (NO I'm not "approving"....but I love them anyway..probably more than my guests...)these dogs carry a huge part of my heart with in them.  And for that, I'm grateful.

In memory of Murray!

It Is What It Is and Other Such Thoughts

ja ever have one of those days?  Yeah, well for me, it was one of those.  The grey clouds have moved in on the landscape of my mind, my feelings and maybe my heart. It's like a giant duststorm has encased my whole being.



Yet I'm really numb.  I think the main thing that  describes how I feel is blah, dismal, and negative..Yeah, that's it..there is a tape of negative voices that are stuck on the replay button of my soul.  The thing is, I feel incapacitated.




I mean there's not a lot of drama going on, otherwise I wouldn't eat My creativity has been nill the last few weeks and that speaks to me about the lethargy that seems to have taken over my psyche.  




I had a long talk with my little sister and that was like a ray of sunshine through the thick murkiness.  She has a way about her in that she can say just the right things at the right times in the right way. And when she goes on about the real truth of the matter, (ego is such a demanding creature) she doesn't get mad if I repy, "what the hell"?

So here I sit, a little glass of red (I really don't drink on week nights, but hey...) and feeling sort of like a mouth breather.


 It's been a while since I've written.  I've tried several times,but ineveitably dont' finish.  Having said that, maybe just some visuals and a  other people's lyrics or words can help me express this shit I feel.  Thanks for "listening'.....