Could I Have Been....Anyone Other Than Me?

I have to be honest with you, with myself.  I want people to read me.






  Most people want that. They want to be known. The older I get, it seems the more that even words don't matter.  But words are all I have...are all we have.




 They are the most common way to communicate. So here I am, fingers to the keys, trying to find the words to express what the last 60 some years have been to me...My 60 some years.  That's right, 60 some.  Geeeesh.  I can't believe it. I feel so, so much younger. (And honestly, because I've tried very hard, I look younger too.)






But the fact is, I'm not. I'm nearing the end of the story.  My father died when he was my age. I think of that all the time.  My husband says, "But you're so much healthier than he was."  And he's right. I am.  I used to want to die at 75.  I'm not so sure anymore. It depends on what that looks like.



My 50's were my best years physically.  I felt so magnificent. I felt as if I could compete with any 20 year old.  I remember once when visiting my son in college, one of his fraternity brothers asked him to introduce his "sister" to him.  What a charmer!!!!  And yes, it was so damn charming. I ate it up.  In my 50's I had a 20 something hit on me.  That was great for my sexual identity. And I could go on.  The fact is, I'm in my 60's and identity is something I don't think about any more. I know who I am and know what my purpose here on earth is/was.


 

I've always said that I feel like a cat with nine lives. I'm actually on my 9th I think, but I alway wonder "what if". You know?  Just what if I had been............There's a Dave Matthews song that totally rings a bell with me:

Could I have been
A parking lot attendant
Could I have been
A millionaire in Bel Air
Could I have been
Lost Somewhere in Paris
Could I have been
You're little brother
Could I have been
Anyone other than me
Could I have been
Anyone other than me
Could I have been
Anyone

He stands touch his hair his shoes untied
Tongue gaping stare
Could I have been a magnet for money?
Could have been anyone other than me?
Twenty three and so tired of life
Such a shame to throw it all away
The images grow darker still
Could I have been anyone other than me?

Then I look up at the sky
My mouth is open wide lick and taste
What's the use in worrying, what's the use in hurrying
Turn turn we almost become dizzy

I am who I am who I am well who am I
Requesting some enlightenment
Could I have been anyone other than me
And then I'll

Sing and dance
I'll play for you tonight
The thrill of it all
Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes
But I'll work it out
And then I
Look up at the sky
My mouth is open wide lick and taste
What's the use in worrying, what's the use in hurrying
Turn turn we almost become dizzy

Falling out of a world of lies
Could I have been a dancing Nancy a dancing Nancy
Could I have been anyone other than me?

The questions are with me, but not always.  I'm pretty accepting. I've always been an addict for change, for adventure.  Still am.  If an opportunity arose, and it would have to be really good, would I?

"could I have been anyone other than me?  .