My Age Old Battle

Why is it that negative feelings inspire me to write more than positive ones?  Geeeesh.  I've been here before.  Yep, it's about weight. I'm discouraged and feel defeated. I think I have this eating addiction.  I mean, it's not like I'm really hungry. Maybe it's also an age thing.  I work my ass off at the gym about three times a week; not bad for a woman in her 60's. I'm just getting tired of it.  It does keep me healthy, but you would think it would help me stay trim and slim.  Nope, the only thing that will do that is not eating as much.  If I listened to my gut, that inner voice in me that is never wrong, I'd be okay. But gluttony and perhaps boredom step in and alas, I've lost.  I actually don't ever remember a time in my life where I haven't battled my appetite.  And yes, it's not the weight that is the issue, that's the symptom, it's the appetite.

You would think at my age it wouldn't matter and I'd just pack it in and give up.  But I was fat once; really fat. And I was more miserable than I've ever been in my entire life.  I was lost and my personality changed to make up for the unhealthy state I was in.  It was about twenty years ago that I decided to get rid of the weight. I did it however I could.  But I did it; eventually.  And now it's slowly coming back on and I am petrified. I don't ever, ever want to lose myself like that again.

I realize that putting my thoughts and feelings "out there" is allowing myself to be judged, and that's okay.  But I have to write about this.  If you have never been fat or even had a huge battle with your appetite, then just quit reading now. You won't get it.  I can't even imagine how free it would feel not to think about it so much, to dwell on it or even feel it in my body.But I bet it's an amazing freedom.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not miserable all the time. Believe it or not, after I do work out, I feel invigorated, alive and healthy. For the last week I've done nothing but sleep, eat and feel awful. I've had the flu and it's really knocked me down this year.  So much for the flu shot!

No purpose for this blog other than venting.  I know, I know, things could be so much worse. I have a friend who is fighting cancer. It seems so selfish for me to complain about eating too much.  I'm grateful for my life, for my health and for the riches that I have been blessed with. But tonight, I'm venting.