2024, The Year of Gray

 

It's the morning after Thanksgiving,and I'm sitting in our living room keeping Tasha, who's lying on her bed, company. She'll be 14 in June, but I'm pretty sure she won't make it. I'm not even sure she'll make it through the weekend. 

She's been an amazingly good dog, "Such a good dog!", half whisper in her floppy ear. 

Her friend, companion, and sometimes baby, died suddenly of hemangiosarcoma onanuary 25th,  this year. Four weeks later, her "brother" Rosco died of the same thing, hemangiosarcoma. She hasn't been the same since. The two new members of our family pretty much ignore her,  and one sees her as a threat coming between him and his food. She tried to make friends, but wasn't successful.  Consequently,  she's been depressed all year, I see it in her eyes, her whole demeanor. 

It's been a shit year with too many losses, too much sadness. Even though I live in the sunny,  colorful desert,  every.   single.   day.  has been cloudy and overcast,  created and defined by gray sadness. Frankly, I'm  really sick of it. 

Usually, I think I'm a pretty positive person with lots of energy and hope. But I can't find any of that in me anymore. Who the hell am I becoming??? It seems all that I want to do is be very alone, (except for my dogs), eat, definitely drink, and watch anything on a screen. 

Tasha lays in her bed, sometimes lifts her head, stares at me like she sees my soul, and after a moment, she lies back on the pillow of her bed. Our other dogs bark vehemently at the sound of our neighbor's dog. She doesn't move. The only way I know she's still with us is by seeing her body move up and down with each breath. Occasionally, she'll wiggle as if she's trying to get up, then,  accepting defeat, she gently lays herself back down. 

I hope my girl dies peacefully in her bed in her sleep. As I keep watch close to her, she actually appears to be serene, calm, and very, very tired. She doesn't look like, or act like she's in pain. Life is slowly leaving her body. Is that her spirit? You know? Like in an animated movie when someone is dying, and when they finally take their last breath, you see a white swoosh of wind, a slow, ethereal whirl wind, coming out.

Hi, it's me....

 Thoughts and words....here we go. My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts. When I was younger a friend told me that I get lost in my own thoughts. True.

This morning my thoughts have a range spanning the past, like one of those giant spotlights you see shining up and down the crowd at a concert in a huge arena. This metaphorical light is gliding over memories of my past and drifts to the present. Back and forth, up and down.  It's random, so it can light up childhood adventures, adolescent risks, teen trauma, young adult decisions, and now, the last chapter. But it keeps moving.

What I see are all the big and little experiences that helped introduce me to myself. In my 50's I went through an enormous identity crisis. "They were the best of times and the worst of times". And what I found was a view of myself I had never imagined.

I don't think I had a bad opinion of myself, but I also know it could have been better. You just didn't think about things like that back then. At least I didn't. However, I slowly realized I didn't really know me. One thing I saw, it was vague and cloudy,  but I saw it.  I was lost. 

One uneventful evening, sitting on my sofa, in my neat little suburban home, tv on, I said, out of nowhere,  "I'm lost". It surprised me that I was even able to verbalize that fact. But I was lost.

By chance, I connected with a very old friend I had when I was about 13. She's gone now, but even so, I hope she knows how one sentence she spoke, changed me forever. We hadn't been in contact for over 40 years, but I always admired her. She was everything I wanted to be; beautiful,  soft spoken, graceful. After our initial, "I've wondered what happened to you...I've tried to find you...how are you", she said, "You were the coolest friend I've ever had ".  I was stunned!

Her comment allowed me to see myself the way someone else was able to see me. And it was a wonderfully good vista. It was as if I was standing outside of myself and watching.  

But there's also the negative side of me that I can't ignore. The two live together, don't they? Yin and yang. They help make me who I am. Life is a long and interesting journey of becoming. I'm not sure who said it, but I invariably go back to the quote,  "Always move towards love". Love isn't safe, but it's true. 

From the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe:

"Then he isn’t safe?” said Lucy.
“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver. “Don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ’Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good."

Sooooooo, here I am, 73, still becoming. Now is a strange time for me personally, and really, for the world. 

I like songs where I can relate to the lyrics. Now, my favorite is Anti-Hero.

 Sending love to each and everyone of you!

"I have this thing where I get older, but just never wiser
Midnights become my afternoons
When my depression works the graveyard shift, all of the people
I've ghosted stand there in the room

I should not be left to my own devices
They come with prices and vices
I end up in crisis
(Tale as old as time)
I wake up screaming from dreaming
One day, I'll watch as you're leaving
'Cause you got tired of my scheming
(For the last time)

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
At teatime, everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

Sometimes, I feel like everybody is a sexy baby
And I'm a monster on the hill
Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city
Pierced through the heart, but never killed

Did you hear my covert narcissism
I disguise as altruism
Like some kind of congressman?
(A tale as old as time)
I wake up screaming from dreaming
One day, I'll watch as you're leaving
And life will lose all its meaning
(For the last time)

I have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me for the money
She thinks I left them in the will
The family gathers 'round and reads it and then someone screams out
"She's laughing up at us from Hell"

It's me, hi
I'm the problem, it's me
It's me, hi
I'm the problem, it's me
It's me, hi
Everybody agrees, everybody agrees

It's me, hi (Hi), I'm the problem, it's me (I'm the problem, it's me)
At teatime (Teatime), everybody agrees (Everybody agrees)
I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti hero. "

Krushchev's Prediction

 In a couple of days,  it will be two weeks since the election. It seems like an eternity.  After the shock came anger. After the anger came depression.  After the depression, now...apathy about life.

Some will probably say I'm overreacting.  Some might say to put my hope in God. And then others will absolutely understand.

Many times in my life I've been told that I'm too sensitive. (Usually by the same people.) When I finally quit listening to them and started thinking for myself, I realized how absurd they were. It's like saying "You're too Hispanic,  or you're too Asian, or you're too Jewish. 

My country feels like it's about to change in a way where there's no turning back. Russia, once our worst enemy because of the oppressive tyrants who ruled, is now fast becoming our friend. The Ukraine, who was happily living independently of Russia, was invaded by Putin who went on a killing spree to seek power. Now, we've elected a president who Putin praised and congratulated.  

Where has our sanity gone? Our morals?

It's like Viet Nam all over again only on our soil. Who's the enemy now? The "Cold War" this time is with our own people! I shouldn't be surprised though, because in the '50s, Krushchev said the Russians would destroy us from within. 

"David Brinkley on NBC in 1956, reported on his Nightly News program,[Huntley–Brinkley Report] what Nikta Khrushchev said earlier that day. "we will take America without firing a shot. We do not have to invade the United States. We will bury you from within”, that was Khrushchev's speech on 11/18/1956."

This isn't like the first time trump was elected, in my opinion,  it's worse. He knows how to play it all out so he can set his family up to retain power. Putin did the same for himself. 

Well, that's all I have. Sad, but true. I'd like to say, "I hope....."(Fill in the blank.) But I can't,  at least not for the United States. All I'd like to do is set up a way our kids, and their kids can leave if they choose to do so. 

Lyrics from a song by Sting, says it all and is so appropriate for now. I changed the names for updates.

"In Europe and America there's a growing feeling of hysteria

Conditioned to respond to all the threats

In the rhetorical speeches of the Soviets

Mister Krushchev said, "We will bury you"

I don't subscribe to this point of view

It'd be such an ignorant thing to do

If the Russians love their children too

How can I save my little boy from Oppenheimer's deadly toy?

There is no monopoly on common sense

On either side of the political fence

We share the same biology, regardless of ideology

Believe me when I say to you

I hope the Russians love their children too

There is no historical precedent

To put the words in the mouth of the president?

There's no such thing as a winnable war

It's a lie we don't believe anymore

Mister trump says, "We will protect you"

I don't subscribe to this point of view

Believe me when I say to you

I hope the Russians love their children too

We share the same biology, regardless of ideology

But what might save us, me and you

Is if the Russians love their children too."

January. 2017

They say talking shows you're not at peace with your own thoughts. I think it applies to writing as well.  i'm devastated by what this new, so called president has done regarding immigration.

All of a sudden I'm feeling like I live in a beautiful, claustrophobic box.  Being raised and grounded in a Christian belief I can't believe Christians are not in an uproar. This is so not what Christ taught. I'm sick and I can't shake it.

November 13, 2023

 My mother always said, "suffer anything for beauty".  But she was brought up in the '30's and 40's.  And of course the '50's left much to be desired for the mentality of women. 

Things have sure changed thank God!!! Still, I think we have a ways to go. Our culture, and many cultures of the world have made women look like property.  Once, I asked a friend of mine his views on women, mind you, his religion is very chauvinistic.  He said he wants to take care of his wife, as he would a piece of fine clothing.  Hmmmmm???? Revealing!

In any case, I still value beauty in everything; my environment, art, myself.  I love beauty!  All this aside, I'll focus on personal things that my mother didn't tell me about growing old, especially for women who still want to be beautiful later in life.  

My mother didn't tell me to get a magnifying mirror.  WOW, the things that show up when you look into a mirror that's 10 times magnified.  She did tell me never, ever to shave my face because that leaves your skin rough and it causes hairs to grow back so much faster  Plucking....pluck that hair but make sure to get the root.  I guess you could also go to a salon that does laser, but I don't choose that. 

She didn't tell me that women lose hair too, hair on their head.  Just like men.  Is that the extra testosterone women have after menopause, or just a decrease of estrogen?  Not sure, but she didn't talk to me about estrogen or testosterone.

Mom didn't explain what "growing old gracefully" really means.  But for me?  It means be kind to yourself, and you'll be kind to others.  Do what makes you feel good in your own body. For me it means exercise and strength training.  If you do that, especially lifting weights, Osteoporosis will stay far from you.  I also take advantage of modern medicines answers to anti-aging whether it be products, fillers, techniques or surgery.  But that's just ME! Did I mention how much I love botox? I do! 

 

Shitty Year So Far Part 2, 2024

 This has been a shitty year! It started around this time last year when, after a routine blood test, I received a call from my doctor. Like, a personal call, not from his office, or the receptionist,  but from him. I've never, in my adult life, had a doctor personally call me. But he did. Of course, this was an extremely rare time when I left the house without my phone. Go figure! However, he left a message that he would call back after five. 

When I heard him I knew there was something ominous that showed up in my blood. He said I had high lymphocytes (which then, I had no idea what they were), and he was concerned about luekemia.  He quickly, very quickly said, I'm not saying you have it, but we just want to make sure. 

I asked questions, he answered and added he would contact a clinic that specializes in "that". That clinic was a cancer center. The person I was seeing was an Oncologist.  I would see the Oncologist in December. He's a great guy, very encouraging,  but told me nothing new. Instead he just ordered a five vial blood test. Did I mention that having my blood sucked out of me while a needle is sitting in my arm psychologically creeps me out???!!! Well, it certainly does. But I was about to quickly get used to it.

The blood test was done, and on January 24th I was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Luekemia. Otherwise known as CLL. The only symptom I have is fatigue. I wondered if it was just me getting old, or if it was the CLL. Fatigue is a common symptom of the cancer. But, it was stage 0 and I was put on Watch and Wait,  required to have blood tests two to three times a year, and finally told that if I had to have cancer, this was the "good kind". I would die with it rather than of it. So... hello roomie! I hope you'll be comfortable floating around in my body, in my blood.  Maybe we can make a pact; you won't bother me, if I don’t bother you. Deal? (Unfortunately, I don't think cancer cares about pacts!)

The following day, my beloved blue eyed boy, Milo, collapsed in our back yard. The day before he seemed fine. Little did I know! We rushed him to our vet, she told us a mass behind his spleen had burst and he was bleeding internally. We could remove his spleen and check for cancer, but 95% of the time it is cancer. Plus, if successful, even that would only give us a small amount of time with him. We had to make the, beyond horrific,  decision to euthanize him that day, on the spot. To say I was sick with grief would be an understatement! Then, four weeks later, Rosco, our other beautiful Aussie was diagnosed with the same thing, but his was a slow bleed. The doctor gave him days. A week later we had him euthanized at home when he quit eating and drinking. I held  him and told him how much we loved him and what a good boy he was.  Even typing this sends pangs of pain in my heart. It's so difficult!

Later, I found out that what they both had was a Hemangiosarcoma, a relative of blod cancer. (The Aussie down the street died aound the same time, of the same thing.) I still cry for my beautiful boys. 

May came and with that, another blood test which found that my lymphocytes had elevated yet again. So another blood test followed by an appointment was set for November, this month.

After the devastation I felt with the election, which was a week ago today, I didn't think it could get any worse. But I read the results of my blood test last week, and my lymphocytes climbed once more. Even before I knew, I felt the fatigue getting worse.

People may read this and think that I need to cover myself in prayer, adorn myself in positive mantras, and just be grateful that I'm alive. Okay, fair enough. But with this string of negativity, I'm done trying. I'm old-ish! Of course I know that there are so many that have it a billion times worse than me. But I'm not comforted with any of that and I've become apathetic. 

So, it's been a ridiculously shitty year that will spill into the next. I'll take it day by day. 

What am I grateful for? Elliot! My sweet, sweet boy who I rescued from death row at the county shelter.  And he truly seems grateful for me. His affection, his smile (yes, he lifts his little lip up and actually smiles whenever I come home after being gone) and his snuggles say over and over again that he loves me, and is grateful for me. How cool is that? So, there ya have it. If you've read this far without a lot of judgment or trying to fix me, a huge thank you for caring enough.  Love to you. And here is my beautiful boy!

The Death of Hope, November 6th, 2024

 I feel as if there's been a death. Because really, there has been. My hope and faith in this country has died.

I can't eat, I haven't gotten dressed and it's the middle of the afternoon. I can barely move. Anything positive is far from my mind as I sit paralyzed in disbelief, and fear. This shadow of a human my country has apparently elected, is dark source of evil and division. He claims he has the answers and he'll fix the world. Yet his character is as obviously flawed as an airplane that can't fly. So very dark because he appeals to angry white men, Stepford Wives, White Supremacists , and the list goes on. 

I feel emotionally and physically drained knowing what is about to happen. And it's not good. As a matter of fact, it's very, very bad!

I've always used the mantra, "move towards love". Not anymore. Love didn't save this country of diversity and former freedom. If it exists, it's hiding; cowering behind hate, and the endless money that fueled trump’s campaign. It's such a dark, depressing day that's only going to storm down hate and intolerance. 

 If you're white, with money and family support to prop you up....you'll stay in your little bubble. But whatever goes wrong in your mind, you'll blameshift. Guaranteed! That's my prediction. 

The walls that have been built are not just on our borders. They are standing high and strong between friends, family and acquaintances. They'll never come down unless there's a miracle.  And I'm not sure I believe in miracles anymore. I wish I did.

Election Day 2024

 This is a difficult blog to write. I'm tired of it all, to be honest. I feel like a threadbare piece of clothing; all my emotions numbed by division, contention and arguing.  And the arguing is like watching two middle school kids having it out on the playground. 

Let me clarify though, I don't include Harris herself in the metaphorical schoolyard fights  She has responded wisely to all of Donald's silly rhetoric about her personally. But I definitely see trump ranting on and on, not about policy or intentions,  but about calling names and saying how horrible our country is without him.  Some that are backing Harris, they too, are in on the childish sparring of name calling, blame shifting and all out meanness.  But the sad fact is, I side with them. I don't promote their passionate hate, but I understand! Trump’s cronies just mimick him and his insults, with name-calling, and blaming whoever they think is against him.  They're ruthless as they spew their own brand of unreasonable hate!

Then there are the people who support trump based on his anti-abortion stance. Most of these people are religious and believe God is passionately against "the shedding of innocent blood". However these very same people have no logical explanation as to why God, (in the book of Exodus 11:5, 6, the 10th plague) killed the firstborn sons of all Egyptians. I'd say that was massive bloodshed!

Regarding those who are against abortion, I personally don't know one individual  who financially supports a single mother who has chosen not to abort. It blows me away. AND, these same people are against any kind of tax, or what they call handouts and socialism, to help the poor. The saddest aspect of all is that it's almost impossible to have an open-minded, open heart discussion about any of this. 

The division is set in stone. It's all so very exhausting and I don't think it will end anytime soon, even after the 2024 presidential winner is announced. 

As the title states, it's election day; Harris or trump. I'm ashamed to even type his name, because it just doesn't belong. He's crude, seemingly uneducated based on his vocabulary, but he appeals to a huge uneducated population.  

Harris, on the other hand is highly educated with grace and poise. I would be proud to have her as president.

The whole world is watching! In the pit of my stomach is a sick feeling. Contention does that to me. Yes, I'm anxious. But the thing that gave me hope was watching an interview Katie Couric had with Allan Lichtman, an historian who has predicted the last nine out of ten presidential elections correctly.  His predictions are based in what he calls the thirteen keys. Nothing is perfect, nothing set in stone. There are exceptions to every rule. 

But we'll soon see.