Hi, it's me....

 Thoughts and words....here we go. My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts. When I was younger a friend told me that I get lost in my own thoughts. True.

This morning my thoughts have a range spanning the past, like one of those giant spotlights you see shining up and down the crowd at a concert in a huge arena. This metaphorical light is gliding over memories of my past and drifts to the present. Back and forth, up and down.  It's random, so it can light up childhood adventures, adolescent risks, teen trauma, young adult decisions, and now, the last chapter. But it keeps moving.

What I see are all the big and little experiences that helped introduce me to myself. In my 50's I went through an enormous identity crisis. "They were the best of times and the worst of times". And what I found was a view of myself I had never imagined.

I don't think I had a bad opinion of myself, but I also know it could have been better. You just didn't think about things like that back then. At least I didn't. However, I slowly realized I didn't really know me. One thing I saw, it was vague and cloudy,  but I saw it.  I was lost. 

One uneventful evening, sitting on my sofa, in my neat little suburban home, tv on, I said, out of nowhere,  "I'm lost". It surprised me that I was even able to verbalize that fact. But I was lost.

By chance, I connected with a very old friend I had when I was about 13. She's gone now, but even so, I hope she knows how one sentence she spoke, changed me forever. We hadn't been in contact for over 40 years, but I always admired her. She was everything I wanted to be; beautiful,  soft spoken, graceful. After our initial, "I've wondered what happened to you...I've tried to find you...how are you", she said, "You were the coolest friend I've ever had ".  I was stunned!

Her comment allowed me to see myself the way someone else was able to see me. And it was a wonderfully good vista. It was as if I was standing outside of myself and watching.  

But there's also the negative side of me that I can't ignore. The two live together, don't they? Yin and yang. They help make me who I am. Life is a long and interesting journey of becoming. I'm not sure who said it, but I invariably go back to the quote,  "Always move towards love". Love isn't safe, but it's true. 

From the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe:

"Then he isn’t safe?” said Lucy.
“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver. “Don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ’Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good."

Sooooooo, here I am, 73, still becoming. Now is a strange time for me personally, and really, for the world. 

I like songs where I can relate to the lyrics. Now, my favorite is Anti-Hero.

 Sending love to each and everyone of you!

"I have this thing where I get older, but just never wiser
Midnights become my afternoons
When my depression works the graveyard shift, all of the people
I've ghosted stand there in the room

I should not be left to my own devices
They come with prices and vices
I end up in crisis
(Tale as old as time)
I wake up screaming from dreaming
One day, I'll watch as you're leaving
'Cause you got tired of my scheming
(For the last time)

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
At teatime, everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

Sometimes, I feel like everybody is a sexy baby
And I'm a monster on the hill
Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city
Pierced through the heart, but never killed

Did you hear my covert narcissism
I disguise as altruism
Like some kind of congressman?
(A tale as old as time)
I wake up screaming from dreaming
One day, I'll watch as you're leaving
And life will lose all its meaning
(For the last time)

I have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me for the money
She thinks I left them in the will
The family gathers 'round and reads it and then someone screams out
"She's laughing up at us from Hell"

It's me, hi
I'm the problem, it's me
It's me, hi
I'm the problem, it's me
It's me, hi
Everybody agrees, everybody agrees

It's me, hi (Hi), I'm the problem, it's me (I'm the problem, it's me)
At teatime (Teatime), everybody agrees (Everybody agrees)
I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti hero. "