2024, The Year of Gray

 

It's the morning after Thanksgiving,and I'm sitting in our living room keeping Tasha, who's lying on her bed, company. She'll be 14 in June, but I'm pretty sure she won't make it. I'm not even sure she'll make it through the weekend. 

She's been an amazingly good dog, "Such a good dog!", half whisper in her floppy ear. 

Her friend, companion, and sometimes baby, died suddenly of hemangiosarcoma onanuary 25th,  this year. Four weeks later, her "brother" Rosco died of the same thing, hemangiosarcoma. She hasn't been the same since. The two new members of our family pretty much ignore her,  and one sees her as a threat coming between him and his food. She tried to make friends, but wasn't successful.  Consequently,  she's been depressed all year, I see it in her eyes, her whole demeanor. 

It's been a shit year with too many losses, too much sadness. Even though I live in the sunny,  colorful desert,  every.   single.   day.  has been cloudy and overcast,  created and defined by gray sadness. Frankly, I'm  really sick of it. 

Usually, I think I'm a pretty positive person with lots of energy and hope. But I can't find any of that in me anymore. Who the hell am I becoming??? It seems all that I want to do is be very alone, (except for my dogs), eat, definitely drink, and watch anything on a screen. 

Tasha lays in her bed, sometimes lifts her head, stares at me like she sees my soul, and after a moment, she lies back on the pillow of her bed. Our other dogs bark vehemently at the sound of our neighbor's dog. She doesn't move. The only way I know she's still with us is by seeing her body move up and down with each breath. Occasionally, she'll wiggle as if she's trying to get up, then,  accepting defeat, she gently lays herself back down. 

I hope my girl dies peacefully in her bed in her sleep. As I keep watch close to her, she actually appears to be serene, calm, and very, very tired. She doesn't look like, or act like she's in pain. Life is slowly leaving her body. Is that her spirit? You know? Like in an animated movie when someone is dying, and when they finally take their last breath, you see a white swoosh of wind, a slow, ethereal whirl wind, coming out.