Sunday Evening Ponderings

Not many people read my blog and I'm really okay with that.  I started this blog to vent, to write, to put my thoughts and my heart into words.  Like relief.  My husband has been gone now for four days.  He'll be back in about a week. But these last few days have been reflective and slow.  Slow in a good way.  Sometimes I need to take my mind off of all the beauty around me and look deep inside.  It's like the deep is calling me . So here I am.  Trying to find the words to tell you about "my deep".





It's great timing and extremely helpful that I found a book that speaks volumes to me; that makes me think about life.  About where I am and if I'm just doing the motions of life or am I really living.  St. Irenaeous said "The glory of God is man (humans) fully alive."  Fully alive.  Do you even know what that means???? I'm not sure I do.





I've just finished a book by Donald Miller called, A Million Miles In A Thousand Years.  It's a book about story. About life framed as a story outside of life.






 I think that's how it is supposed to be. Anyway,it  made me stop and think about my life from the third person's point of view; me being the third person looking at my own life. At times when I was reading,  I would stop , put the book down, stare out at the mountains and red tile roofs and wonder why I like to stay home and not take risks.  I used to take risks.




 I hitchhiked across the country once.  I traveled to other countries....alone. I risked other stuff that I'm not so proud to talk about now. But I ventured out looking for meaning. Once, when I was nineteen, I took the money my father had saved for my wedding, packed a some clothes, dog food and and a few 8 track cassettes, got in the car with my beagle companion and headed west, to the mountains, alone.  I took risks. After I became a Christian I was still willing to take risks.  I traveled with some young peers in a yellow school bus with no air conditioning from the protected arms of the Midwest into Mexico and the barrio.  That only prompted me a few years later to pack my things, give up all that I know, and travel to my father's ancestor's homeland, Israel. That was a trip I like to call "The Magical Mystery Tour".



My experiences weren't always fun, and they were, for the most part, totally out of my comfort zone, but I felt alive. Totally, wonderfully, alive with wonder. I didn't think a whole lot about the future. I didn't have time.


I met someone there, and married him.




 The plan, my plan, was to get married, return, and live an exciting, meaningful life forever by the Mediterranean Sea, in a home that the British designed years before.  That didn't happen. What happened was that my future husband, from England, came to middle America, and married a Midwestern girl, me, from a smallish city that really was/is in the middle of nowhere.

Life sometimes, most times, doesn't go as planned.  I got pregnant three months after we were married and the rest is history.



I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here other than if our lives are stories, mine was pretty interesting until I was married.  No, I'm not knocking that, but now, thirty eight years later, I'm wondering.  I'm wondering why risk is so foreign to me.  I wonder why my biggest goal is to pay my house off.  (Which in itself is a great goal!!)  But when the house is paid off, what then?  Something deep inside of me wants to sell all, go to that beautiful city by the sea (Haifa) and have a youth hostel, as planned 38 years ago.  And then there are other things....just other things I think about too.   I really have to know if that is what I want, what I really want.



I think half the time the problem that people have, if they will be ruthlessly honest and admit it to themselves,is that they don't  know what they really want.  I want story; I want to be remembered for a meaningful life.  Not just by my sweet family, but by so many others.  Maybe that's egotistical of me.  Maybe what I'm trying to say is that I want a life worth living, not a life spent in front of the tv watching other people's lives.



In his book Miller talks about our lives as stories. Framed in a type of script for a movie.  This quote really made me think, not just because owning a Volvo was always a goal for me, but because I want my life to be a story lived with meaning:

"If you watched a movie about a guy who wanted a Volvo and worked for years to get it, you wouldn't cry at the end when he drove off the lot, testing the windshield wipers  You wouldn't tell your friends you saw a beautiful movie or go home and put a record on to think about the story you'd seen.  The truth is, you wouldn't remember that movie a week later, except you'd feel robbed and want your money back.  Nobody cries at the end of a movie about a guy who wants a Volvo. 

But we spend years actually living those stories, and expect our lives to feel meaningful.  The truth is if what we choose to do with our lives won't make a story meaningful, it won't make life meaningful either." (donald miller...form "a million miles in a thousand years".)

Now trust me, I'm not saying that if you don't sell everything and go out and do something outrageous that life isn't meaningful. I'm just saying the book made me think of meaning, something I haven't really thought of for a long time. Or at least I've tucked it away in the envelope of another time, another place.



There ya have it. Words to think by, right? Good night moon.

Sex, Lies and Dogma

Okay, I admit the title was mainly to get your attention.







 However,  it  relates to what I want to write about.  That is, dogma that oozes everywhere out of religious circles.  Dogma, not to be confused with practices.  I have a Catholic background. At least up until I was about 13.  Really, I was exposed to this religion at a very, very formidable age so it sticks in my memory like when you get  permanent marker on your clothes.  That's why I wanted to look into where Lent originated and see if it is something I'd like to do this year.

I'll try to make this short.  Anyway, this morning I was curious .  I looked up the 'origins' and found, of course, a lot of information.  The information that was most disturbing was that of some Christian site condemning Lent and saying how it does no go along with "the bible".  Of course I was on the defensive.  Only because I started thinking about what really does go "along with the bible".  Let's talk about the commandments.  You know the ones...the ten we, as believers most often like to quote.
But according to the Jewish commandments there are 613. In Exodus, Leviticus and Deuteronomy the "court" has the command to execute by decapitation, strangling, burning and stoning.






 Yep, if you want the exact reference in the bible, let me know.  Or look it up yourself. There is also a clear command not to divorce.   In any case, I do believe that bible is the "inspired word of God" written by humans.  If religions are going to "only go by the bible" maybe it should be thought out a little bit more in depth rather than trying to find material to back up a way to control people with fear.







There are horror stories of rape, murders and lies in the bible.  Whatever you want to find, it's there.  So why do so called "educated" (???) believers say things like:

"People who observe Lent may be religious, dedicated and sincere—but they are sincerely wrong.
Let’s examine Lent, its practices and customs, its historic and religious origins, and its true meaning from the Bible’s perspective, not from the “traditions of men” (Mark 7:7-9).
 ( http://rcg.org/articles/ttmol.html)

That quote was from the Restored Church of God denomination.  And yes, I go to a Church of God. (However, I really don't hear any of that nonsense from the pulpit.  It's a great church that pretty much sticks with Jesus and how great is/was.) Still, it is disturbing that so many religious organizations turn their opinions into the "Bible's perspective".

I associate myself as a follower of Christ Jesus.  I believe he was/is God in the flesh.  I believe his physical body came back to life after a pretty horrific death on a cross.  I believe he was born from a woman who had never had sex, yet she became pregnant. (I know, it's really hard to swallow that one.)






 And as with these mysteries that can't be explained in any way, shape or form, I look at the bible as being a mystery as well.



To try and figure out why a loving God approved of  murdering animals and humans alike is a mystery to me. To try and figure out why God told Abraham to take his son and tie him down and kill him sure makes me wonder what the hell was going on and why did God tell him that?  Is God some type of sadist?  I mean, when I think of God telling me to do that to my only son I would totally say, "Are you freakin' kidding me???? NO WAY I"LL DO THAT!  THAT MUST BE THE VOICE OF THE DEVIL."  Right?  I mean really?  If you're honest, you would say the same thing.

So why is that in the bible. Oh yeah right....to teach obedience.  Obedience is better than sacrifice yada yada yada.....Still, did God have to do that to Abraham to "test" him?  What does that say about the character of God.  Forget looking at ourselves and our ability or desire to "obey" God.  Look at God in that story.  Why?

Enough about that.  I choose to believe that I love a good God, a loving God, a God who wants me to love him back on my own free will without threats of pain and suffering. I mean, there's enough of that already, and I think God knows that well enough.  When I was a new Christian, when I first decided that Christianity was what I wanted to believe and associate myself with, it was because someone told me to look at Jesus, to look really hard at Jesus.


 And that I did.  Wham, it happened.  I saw a love I had never seen before.  A love that loved me back.  A love that broke my five year smoking addiction. (two packs a day) in a moment. (I didn't even want to quit, but I couldn't smoke after that decision. It made me physically sick.) I looked at Jesus and found something that words can't describe.  Jesus basically said to me that he would take my hand, lead me through a pretty rough life.  He said that it was going to be a crazy ride but that HE would be there for me.  I might not be able to see him, but he promised me he would be there.  And he has.  In my darkest hour, in my happiest, most joyful accomplishments. Just let me say, it is a love strong enough that has kept me going for decades.




Take my eyes off Jesus and what I see is division, hatred, silly opinions of mysteries too great for our small minds, and I see no hope.

There ya have it.  My ramblings on why believers might want to consider keeping focused on what Jesus said. Anything else is just a practice, like Lent.  That's enough to make it a lifetime study.

"Come 
As you are 
As you were 
As I want you to be 
As a trend 
As a friend
As an old enemy
Take your time
Hurry up
The choice is yours don’t be late…"
Kurt Cobain 

Have a great Saturday!


(thanks Laura on fb for all the great images!!)

The Most Profound Spiritual Truth

It almost seems like I woke up one day and said, "Why am I old? Where did my dad go? Where did my mom go?  And who are these children who say they came from me?"  No, I'm not getting Alzheimers, at least I hope not.  I have been thinking and feeling lately, mostly feeling.  Once, a long time ago I was taught not to trust my feelings. I'm not so sure how great that instruction was.  I followed it though, and turned into a very jaded person believing  my feelings were a sort of enemy, something discipline could rule and control, if not destroy.



When I was a very little girl I had faith.  I would go to church and sit in awe of the mystery that I felt in the quiet of marble, carved images of the holy family with gleeming rings of gold around their heads, and large paintings of Jesus bloodied on the cross.







Later, after experiencing the death of a loved one, after letting life wear me down at  too young of an age, I was  told that, "God is good, all the time".  I so wanted to believe it! I would sing it, say it chant it.   I told myself over and over it was true.  But deep down in the secret places of my soul, the place where I crammed all those feelings I was advised not to trust, a cynical, old voice welled up and exclaimed with sarcasm, "Yeah, right!"  And the secret was out. The feelings that were trapped for decades escalated their way up the murky hallway of my heart and began crawling out. It wasn't pretty either.

At this point everything I came in contact with let me know it was time for change.  It was time to get really real!  As I started my ride an "aha" moment happened.  This quote says it:  For I do not do what I want to do, but the very thing I hate."  I was a Christian,  I knew that!  But the false security that I believed came with Christianity disappeared like pressing the delete button on a thousand page essay and losing all you had written.
  

To spare you  the gory details, let's just say I changed. Slowly.  I allowed my feelings their freedom (slowly) and my mind cooperated in accepting their messages.  With that, I realized I wasn't sure if God was so good after all.  Quite a heavy speculation since my faith was what I thought kept me from falling apart.  I gave up trying to hold on to security.  It was probably one of the scariest things I've ever done. However,  I did follow my belief that if truth is truth, nothing can destroy it. And truth is real.

At one point, I felt darkness enclosing me, starting to swallow me up.  It was really very odd and it's difficult to put into words.





 But if I wanted to embrace the truth, the truth about what I believed or didn't believe, I had to go to a very unfamiliar place, like it or not. What happened is that I realized, by going through a small, personal hell, God is indeed good.  It branded my soul with that truth.  I felt like and still feel like God has this integument over me; that he won't give up.  He will hang on to me....and he has.



“We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.” 
― T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets




It's been quite a ride, I must say, from the day that I let go and decided to listen to my feelings.  I have learned by  reading, praying and analyzing that love is the truth.  That God really IS love.

 So, back to the beginning of this whole blog..I've been thinking and feeling a lot lately.  Mostly feeling.  Nostalgic, sad, happy, a constant ebb and tide of processing life, love and truth.  Yes, I'm old-ish.  Yes, I'm on the top of the family ladder. But I still think of my mother, my father as if they were a phone call away.  Sometimes even I forget that my mother isn't here. That doesn't happen so often anymore.  I have no idea why I miss them more at certain times, but I do.  Holidays, the quiet moments of a beautiful, sunny day.  Sometimes it gets lonely here at the top of the family ladder, but c'est la vie.

 I think my biggest fear is that my children, my children's children, won't remember my parents. That their lives won't matter any more.  That my father was this charming, honest, opinionated man who made his way from the ghetto to a successful entrepreneur, singer and actor. I'm resentful that even now, my grandkids really don't know that my mother was one of the most loving, giving, encouraging women of all time. That without her who knows where I'd be. I see small glimpses of their lives fading into oblivion  like everyone else that has gone on before. They are shadows, slowly disappearing. And I'm not willing to let that happen, just yet.

I don't feel like this adult that I see in the mirror, I don't feel the passing of time.  Truth is, I am an adult and time waits for no one.


“This is the most profound spiritual truth I know: that even when we're most sure that love can't conquer all, it seems to anyway. It goes down into the rat hole with us, in the guise of our friends, and there it swells and comforts. It gives us second winds, third winds, hundredth winds.” 
― Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith

"Love anything and your heart will be broken...."

It's about 6 a.m. and it is another end to night.






 An end to a night where my best friend had to be carried down the steps, outside, to relieve herself. She is very disciplined.  Last night was good though.  I only had to wake with her once, and carry her once.  Her smile is fading, her back feet drag along the floor when she walks, and her spark is gone.  At least until her favorite food is about to be served.  She almost dances then.

It's not easy for me to see her go down hill. She's almost 16 and maybe even older. She came to me after two heartless, asinine "owners" abused her.  But that's another story and it's sad; I won't go there.  It's sad enough to see her like this.  Although I don't see her in pain, I don't think she's in pain other than maybe some arthritis.

As my husband gets ready to take the other two on their daily walk up the small mountain across the way, they are eager and waiting.  She walks around looking at him every now and then seeming a little confused. She stands still and just looks into the air.  I don't even know how well she sees now.  I do know she really can't hear.

I'm writing this just to let off some of the sadness I feel about my friend; about how death slowly takes us at times.
.




I guess it's better than taking us suddenly.

 My girl was there for me when all others were busy, not available, or just plain gone.  She was there looking at me with her black eyes, her white self, by my side.  But always looking at me.


As the other two run downstairs with my husband, she stands at the top of the steps contemplating whether she'll go down the very long, steep steps, and do what she had done for a couple years before.  Instead, she turns, comes back to the base of my bed and stands, looking nowhere . I remember when she used to run like the wind and leap like a Gazelle.

In a few minutes I'll start my day.  The good news is that I'll feed her plenty of gourmet food and that will make her happy, which will turn to contentment. At least I'm hoping.

This quote from CS Lewis is perfect for why I continue to love, although, in this life, the loves always have an end:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable . . . The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers . . . of love is Hell. (C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves)” 

In Honor, In Memory

I'm off work today to celebrate the birth of a great American: Martin Luther King, Jr.






As a young girl, I remember the news of how the "negroes" in the south were marching, and protesting.  Because I was so young, I only remember images on the television of people in the streets, fighting and having overall problems.




 I had no idea. The weird thing is that no one was talking about blacks being mistreated.  The press wasn't hiding it at this point, but they certainly didn't report the lynchings, the abuse and the harassing.  But by this time, they weren't able to look away.








 Of course it had been going on for years.



We all know that now, in retrospect.  Just like in World War 2, no one really knew the extent of the evil that went on Germany.  It was only until afterwards did the gory facts of torture in the holocaust come out. Same with the blacks in this country. Although the evil was done in many different ways, it was done.








 To this day it is painful for me to hear a black person tell of personal experiences with discrimination. To me, it was a holocaust of the soul; of the spirit.  I was watching a documentary where famous people were interviewed and had the opportunity to tell their story.  Sidney Poietier was a man of great honor, dignity and respect.  Yet because of his color, he was insulted and treated like a dog.  He recalled in the interview that at one point in his life he worked for a department store in Florida. He was making a delivery and knocked on the door. The woman opened the door and yelled at him angrily telling him he needed to go to the back door.  during the interview when he recalled incidences like these, he stopped, put his head down and teared up.  There were other testimonials like this that was terribly difficult to watch.

I hear a lot of people in my generation act as if it's all over, "they" have the right now to be equal.  "They" need to sort of pick "themselves" up, so to speak, and move on.  You know, take advantage of the opportunities "they" now have.   These same people post on holidays greetings and reminders of what the holiday is about and then something relevant to the holiday.  Not today, not this celebration.  Their lack of recognition yells to me a message of racism even today.  Racism is a word that people don't want to hear anymore. But it's still there.

HOWEVER....thanks to Martin Luther King, Jr, who died while on the mission of freedom, our country has come a long way.

Yet it still  bothers me to the core.  And that's what it takes for me to write...something that touches me deeply.  So there you have it.

I'm so happy Martin Luther King was born.  Without this Christian man, who knows what would have happened, or how long it would have taken.

Trying To Keep Up With Little Mary Sunshine

I'm wanting to check in a bit before I say good-night moon.  Writing consistently helps one's wheels of thought, imagination and feelings keep from getting rusty.  Even though rusty is pretty trendy these days.

It's so easy to be negative isn't it?  I've heard it once described as this metaphor: a positive person is up on a table trying to get the negative one up on the table with her.  Well, we all know gravity wants it's way and will not give up  easily.  So, you probably know too the rest of the story. If not, I'll fill you in:  It's easier to go down with someone than it is for you to try and pull that someone up with you.




Of course I usually get pretty annoyed with negative, complaining people and that is negative in itself. It sneaks in, all dressed in the disguise of being justified because of your desire to keep good thoughts flowing, and those nasty little thoughts will darken a really bright day. I totally relate to this quote by one of my favorite authors, Anne Lamott:

 "I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because it would make Jesus want to drink gin right out of the cat bowl."


I'm not saying to deny all sorts of issues that probably need to be dealt with.  It's about opening the eyes of your sleepy soul and being in the now.  As Louise Hay said, "It's very simple, but not so easy." It's about being grateful, it's about faith and believing that all things ARE really working together for your highest good.  Louise is really on to something when she always reminds us that we are what we think about.

Yep, my life on facebook.  Now that's just another story that isn't worth it right now. HOWEVER, it's inevitable that when I walk the virtual neighborhoods of that arena, I will, no doubt, find some stupid comment that trips me up.  Usually about politics, sometimes about God, but always negative, and arrogant.  Arrogance is "an exaggerated sense of one's own importance."  Or I'll see a picture of some ignorant asshole holding his latest kill of the day.  Usually a graceful deer, but sometimes a beautiful lion. Those are killers for me.  I have to work really hard before I go to bed to get those images out of my mind. They are disgustingly haunting.


I had a dream the other night.  I'm not so sure what it means but here it is:

I thought I was pregnant. It was crazy because I haven't been pregnant in years.  And fortunately, I'm past child bearing years.  But in the dream was that very real feeling of having to bring life into the world.  I was excited and fearful at the same time. Then it dawned on me that there was no way I could have this baby.  I was too old.  And I woke up.


Maybe it's about me trying to get that person inside of me up on the metaphorical table.  Who knows, but when it is obvious what it was about, I'll get back with you.

So, this is the end of the day.  January 14h, 2015 will never, ever be back again.  Once it's gone, it's gone.


And it's time for me to say....Goodnight moon!

Happy Happy 2015...With Much Love...no kidding! :-)

New Year's Day, 2015.  Geeeesh. I honestly thought seeing in the 2000's would have been something epic...a time where I would have been old and God knows what else.




 But that was back in the '70's.  Now it's 2015.  Two thousand fifteen!  WOW!  Here I am, in Phoenx, (although a cold Phoenix) and living a good life.  I feel so much younger than my 1970's memories saw me as in 2015.  A good life indeed!  I have made so many mistakes, so many regrets, but in actual fact, I have experienced a lot of life.  A lot of love, a lot of precious memories.  Also, a lot of not so good memories.  I try to not bring them up, but they are all a part of what makes my life what it is.





I have loved and lost...but that's life isn't it?  The losses as well as the gains?  Because life is unpredictable I'm not sure what this year holds, but as of now, one of my very best friends ever just may not make to the next new year's day.  I try not to think about it a lot, but when I realize her legs are giving way, then it becomes a hard, fast reality.  She's confused and has this blank look on her face when I move her to face me rather than the wall. She has been there for me in so many difficult times of my life.  That is the type of friend who becomes a soul mate.




Other than my human loves, she is the love of my life...for this time anyway.

I will move on.  It's new year's day and it's been a lazy one.  Nice and lazy.  Laying around, playing on the internet neighborhood, and nursing my sore throat.  Life is good.  Life is real.  I am accepting.  I have learned so much in the last few years.  I have learned so many tools that will help this idealistic soul cope with living in an imperfect world.  I have learned to know who my true friends are.  They are not necessarily old friends..they are the 'connection' friends.  You know the type...soul connections.  I reconnected with a friend I hadn't seen in over 30 years this last month.  It was so good seeing him. An immediate familiarity was resurrected.  There is a type of warmth, a type of "oldness" that has existed seemingly forever which was felt; by me anyway.  I think I'd be safe to assume by him as well.

I have learned that I alone am responsible for my own happiness.



Such a huge lesson.  I have learned to accept me for what I am, what I will be, and what I was.  But I have also been able to see the past me in a different light.  It's all good!



These past few years have been so good to me, but they were not free.  The cost was gong deep into the questions of my soul and facing them not as the enemy, but as a fact. A fact that there really are questions, there really are uncertainties.  At the same time, they are not something that I want to get lost in.



I don't  want to get lost anywhere.

Years ago I remember sitting on my couch and saying, out of the blue....no kidding...it surprised me as much as anyone...but I said out loud, "I am lost."  I mean really? I was watching some tv show. some mindless tv show and not really watching. But this person from deep in my soul basically said that she was tired of being ignored.  She said to me, out of my own mouth, "I am lost."  My husband acted a little surprised.  ""What did you say?"....and I was dumbfounded, but honest...."I said I'm lost."  And that was that.  I don't even think there was a discussion. But the journey that followed was a journey that dwarfed Narnia.



 At least in my little life.


And so it goes.  Here I am, 2015.  So many years later.  I believe God is love.  I believe that Jesus is real and that HE is alive and well on planet earth.  I believe that Jesus IS God.  I believe the kingdom of heaven is within us...like HE said. And yes, I really do believe love will conquer all.

So, with that...here ends this little blog; until next time.  I love you all.  No kidding.  I really do.  Peace to you!