the fear

Sooo, this blog may not be the most encouraging, but I will be open and vulnerable.  I am afraid as hell of being fat.  I know!  Some may judge me, some may sympathize with me and some may relate way too closely.  But it's true.  I don't think I"m afraid of anything as much as I'm afraid of being fat.  You see, I was once...and it stole my whole identity.  At first, because it was easy, I believed that I was fat because I was just greedy.  Now I know better.  I realized so much about the reasons why I was fat and a lot of it was based on Freud's theory of the oral stage one can get caught in.  I'm not going into that just now though.  Yet sorry Sigmund, it was also so much more.

        

You must remember though, that this blog is about me, not you.  It's about MY reasons and ponderings, not yours.  So there ya have it.  And my reasons are still not so clear.  And still I go back to this voice inside my head that says I'm just greedy etc etc.  Tell me to walk over hot coals, tell me to have mice crawl across my body, tell me to face one of my biggest fears that I feel I have control over, but don't tell me I'll get fat.  That scares the total hell out of me and makes me want to curl up in the fetal postion and die, yes, die. (Don't judge me, it could happen to you.)  It's a scary and horrible thing to be totally and wholly uncomfortable in your own skin.  Should I just be happy that I am healthy?  Well of course!! What an understatement...But I'm not.  And that's the fact of it.  You can't change me.  If I can't change me, you sure can't. 



My father used to say, "You're the pretty one."  Wow...that's a hard one to live up to when you're closing in on 60 and still feel like 30 and want to be the prettiest one in the gym.  It probably just won't happen. Or will it?  I still have this sort of  unreasonable hope in me that I will be...I'll be prom queen, you wait and see.




Our desires and our personal demons are complex and sometimes, in some, they are not even evident because of denial.  I'm not in denial and I know my fears.  It occured to me that my fear of fat is bigger than I think I realized.  As I get older I sort of see the battle between our fears and our loves more clearly.  I am not an island and I can not do this on my own.  I've had many great helpers.  My counselor (I love you Mary) was a huge instrument in a healing that has stayed with me.  My sisters are hugely responsible for always loving me unconditionally.  And of course my God who loves me unconditionally and sent legions of angels to help me.  Well, maybe not legions, but at least one in my opinion.



Still the journey continues and the battles with my self and accepting my own, very real, fear is ongoing.  I'm not an island.  I said that and will say it again.  I have no idea where my fear of this will end up.  My son in law's cousin died of fat this last week.  According to them he sort of gave up on life and had a staff infection in his fat cells.  He was extremely large.  He, according to people I listened to about his life, was an extremely caring person, but he just gave up.  He didn't die of drug overdose, or too much tobacco, he died of an infection in his fat cells.  How sad is that because that was just a cover of his own decision to give up on his own life.  Of not being able to live up to what he thought his life 'should have been'.  Yeah, just my opinion.  But what's yours?

So, I'm open and being very, very candid.  That's my biggest fear.  And there ya have it.

"forget about guns and forget ammuniton
cause I'm killin' them all with my own little mission
Now I'm not a saint and I'm not a sinner
and everything's cool as long as I'm gettin' thinner." Lily Allen