Reflections, Intentions, Regrets, or Just Plain Landslide!!...Here's to 2012!!!

So, I imagine a lot of people will be writing in their blogs today.  It's the last day of 2012, a day that once over, will never be here again.  But that's true of every day isn't it?  The marking of time is something special to me, not sure why, but it is.  Time is a tricky thing and I could get all cosmic and ooooey about what I believe about time being an illusion etc etc.















 I'll spare you only so you'll read on.

Life has been very good to me this year.



A year ago I was getting ready to start a new job which meant money would come in again.  Some of you probably already know how scary life can be if you're not providing for yourself.




 After the beginning of the year, life was smooth sailing. My job is still going wonderfully and I couldn't be more pleased!  I don't know if it's my age or not, but I no longer think the way I used to...I no longer feel that youthful desire to compete with others or even think like others.


(fyi, my grandkids call me "Poppy")


I do, however, still care what people think.  That's probably a good thing since I have wanted to move closer to love. Moving and thinking about love has actually changed my life and made it more peaceful.






There is a check inside of me whenever I want to tell someone what a dumb asshole they are for not believing what I believe, or think the way I think.  And yes, guess what?  I'm not so sure that I'm right all the time anymore.  Wow...go figure!!!



I do know the mistakes I have made in  life,  and just admitting that I have made mistakes seems to have resolved me from any guilt.




That was until Christmas, when my son informed me and made me aware of things I had done, or said that I wasn't even aware of that hurt him and his sister.  BAM!!




 Broken! That is a good word to describe my life.  Today, I read something from a book called "Traveling Mercies" by Ann Lamott.  She talked about all the broken things in her life; broken cars, broken hearts, broken lives.  Then she quoted from  Eugene O'Neil, "Man is born broken.  He lives by mending. The grace of God is the glue."





Just when I think I have it right and all is well with my soul, there appears another broken area that I either swept under the proverbial rug, or just didn't even realize was there.  I have learned to accept my own brokenness these days.  It's much easier than always trying to be right or perfect.  Trust me though, there is this other little "person" inside of me that still tries to convince me I'm right, or justified.  It doesn't matter and won't matter when one day, sooner or later,  I know I'm breathing my last breath.  What matters to me is relationship.  Relationship with myself and others and how well or how poorly I have established things in that relationship.


Another reflection on this New Year's Eve is my relationship with my God.  Now you knew I would mention this didn't you???? In any case it's much happier than it ever has been, it's much more peaceful.  I have learned to accept things I just don't understand about 'him' , I have learned, after many, many years, that 'he' is, indeed, good.  For a long time I always said it, touted it, and tried to convince myself of God's goodness.  Funny how that is though.





One thing is certain, if you want truth, you'll get it, right smack dab in the face sometimes....but if you want it, you'll get it one way or another.  Usually it starts with the truth about you.





All the little things (and big things  for that matter)  that are buried deep down inside , the things that can actually keep you from the love of God;...  well, they tend to surface  and show themselves with a vengeance   It's like a crystal clear pond.  The water is clear and beautiful as long as the floor of the pond isn't disturbed.  Just when you think it's clean and beautiful, something happens.  Either a rock is thrown, hits the bottom, or someone actually walks through the pond (Insert here:  I like to think that someone walking through the pond of my soul is Jesus himself.) and up comes all the murk, the mud, the slime of the stuff that was sitting nicely undisturbed at the very bottom.





Those things, my friend, are all the imperfections, the brokenness, the illusions, the hate, the pride,  the ego, all the things that cause pain, emptiness and loneliness   At least that's how I see it.


Sooooooooo, I went deep in that last paragraph.  Where was I?  Oh yes, reflecting on life at the end of a year.  I am grateful for everything in my life.  I hear this over and over from people, but they are right to feel grateful.  We live in the best place in the world, believe it or not, most people are still good, most people still want to love and be loved, and most people still want to help in times of trouble.




My intentions this new year?  Well, I have many, but the most important one is to still try and look at the good side.  My intentions are to still try and mend the broken things with the glue of God's grace. Praying really isn't in vain, praying is powerful, however you pray, just pray!  There really is a "higher" power that is totally, completely good.  (Do we even grasp that?  Not sure that I do.)  I no longer feel the 'need' to defend my faith or my God when evil things happen to good people. I can't even begin to try.  For me, it would be nothing short of arrogance.





All I can do is live to love...and if I error, I hope to error on the side of love instead of efficiency.  Not an easy task!  I can still say I'm sorry for things in the past because I truly am.




I am sorry to my son and my daughter for the times I listened to others tell me how to raise them.  I am sorry when I said too much, spoke too loudly, or tried to get them to think in a way that was not who they really are.




I am sorry for trying to act like I had faith when really all it was was wanting control.  I am sorry to my husband for actually the same things.  And I am sorry to myself for losing myself all those years ago.  I'm sorry to myself that I didn't listen to that voice, some call it the Holy Spirit, that is deep within me.  That voice, I have found, has not been wrong.   The greatest part about my apologies, my regrets?  I know that all the above mentioned, including myself, will and have forgiven me.


I have a video of my father's last Christmas and last New Year's Eve.  The thing that is the most poignant in that video was the very last scene when he and my mother were sitting down to a New Year's Eve dinner.  In that scene  the two of them were alone sitting down to a meal at their dining room table.  She was sitting  with curlers in her hair and dad was fussing with the video cam trying to get it just right.  When he was satisfied with the camera's placement, he went to the table and sat down with my mother. Dad said a few things to her, neither of them looking at each other much, only concentrating on the meal set before them in their own home.  Dad lifted his glass and toasted the new year; toasted to the anticipation of a good year, good health and new  happiness. Then, it stopped.  Three months later, dad died suddenly of a heart attack..






Here's to 2013!  I hope it causes us all to think, to love and to know that the other side of this life is a moment away.  Make it a good life. Love love love to all who read this and all who don't.

Dedicated to the Victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary Tragedy

Just like mostly all of the people in this country, I am horrified and profoundly saddened by the tragedy that happened yesterday.  




Saying I'm sickened and trying to explain the ache I feel seems fruitless.  All I can do is think about it and want to blame something or someone.




 And there are many things and people to blame, but now it will not do any good.  There are victims whose lives have been forever changed.  Each day they will wake up to a different world. There will be a  colossal void where there was once energy, life and love.  Nothing will fill that void and hopefully they will learn to live with the grief...for the grief will never go away.  







"No one ever told me that grief feels so much like fear.  I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing."  c.s.lewis






“She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts.” George Elliot


“Oh God, God, why did you take such trouble to force this creature out of its shell if it is now doomed to crawl back -- to be sucked back -- into it?” 
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed








Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.


Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message 'He is Dead'.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.


He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.


The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.


by W.H. Auden


I pray for the survivors..that's all that I can do now.\



“She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts.” George Elliot

Bacon, Charlotte 02/22/06, F
Barden, Daniel 09/25/05, M
Davino, Rachel 07/17/83, F
Engel, Olivia 07/18/06, F
Gay, Josephine 12/11/05, F
Marquez-Greene, Ana M 04/04/06, F
Hockley, Dylan, 03/08/06, M
Hocksprung, Dawn 06/28/65, F

Hsu, Madeleine, F 07/10/06
Hubbard, Catherine V 06/08/06, F
Kowalski, Chase 10/31/05, M
Lewis, Jesse 06/30/06, M
Mattioli, James 03/22/06, M
McDonnell, Grace 11/04/05, F
Murphy, Anne Marie 07/25/60, F
Parker, Emilie 05/12/06, F
Pinto, Jack 05/06/06, M
Pozner, Noah 11/20/06, M
Previdi, Caroline 09/07/06, F
Rekos, Jessica 05/10/06
Richman, Avielle 10/17/06, F
Russeau, Lauren 06/0/82 (number listed on form), F
Sherlach, Mary 02/11/56, F
Soto, Victoria 11/04/85, F
Wheeler, Benjamin 09/12/06, M
Wyatt, Allison N 07/03/06, F

An Ode To True Love

Is it because I'm getting older that I feel so vulnerable to things?  For instance my love for animals:  it seems to have significantly intensified with each passing year. I just listened to Patty Griffin's love song to her dog and was inspired.  So here I will write of my love for these amazing creatures, possibly angels.


There is a scripture that says something like this, "Above all, guard your heart, for there the well spring of life comes."  For years I thought it meant protect it from pain, false beliefs etc.  But I now see that it's about keeping your heart alive to life, to love and of course, don't be afraid or try to hide from the pain that will bring.





 I see little animals being totally misunderstood, represented, not appreciated, not given the credit for having a mind, a heart and yes, a soul.  This pierces my heart and causes me to feel a profound ache.

Sometimes it's more evident than others.  Sometimes I feel more than others.  Tonight, sitting on my bed, looking out at the mountains, hearing the birds say good night and having my two faithful companions lying here, I feel it more.




So, I've been surfing the internet for little songs, stories and quotes about these incredible creatures who give so much...I'd like to share them with you.  I do hope you partake and enjoy:

Her eyes met mine as she walked down the corridor peering apprehensively into the kennels. I felt her need instantly and knew I had to help her.

I wagged my tail, not too exuberantly, so she wouldn't be afraid. As she stopped at my kennel I blocked her view from a little accident I had in the back of my cage. I didn't want her to know that I hadn't been walked today. Sometimes the overworked shelter keepers get too busy and I didn't want her to think poorly of them.

As she read my kennel card I hoped that she wouldn't feel sad about my past. I only have the future to look forward to and want to make a difference in someone's life.

She got down on her knees and made little kissy sounds at me. I shoved my shoulder and side of my head up against the bars to comfort her. Gentle fingertips caressed my neck; she was desperate for companionship. A tear fell down her cheek and I raised my paw to assure her that all would be well.

Soon my kennel door opened and her smile was so bright that I instantly jumped into her arms.

I would promise to keep her safe.
I would promise to always be by her side.
I would promise to do everything I could to see that radiant smile and sparkle in her eyes.

I was so fortunate that she came down my corridor. So many more are out there who haven't walked the corridors. So many more to be saved. At least I could save one.

I rescued a human today.

Janine Allen

Patty Griffin sings the love song she wrote for her dog.  You've got to take the time to listen...it's just beautiful.

"Hi," I said. She came over, licked my hand discreetly, allowed herself to be scratched for a time, chased her tail in a dignified circle, lay down again. I remember thinking: "There are times God puts a choice in front of you." I often had such thoughts back then. We took the dog.

Stanley Bing

If there is a heaven, it's certain our animals are to be there. Their lives become so interwoven with our own, it would take more than an archangel to detangle them.

Pam Brown

For those who love dogs, it would be the worst form of a lie to call any place where dogs were banned "Paradise." Certainly no loving God would separate people from their canine friends for eternity.

Stanley Coren, dog psychologist

I so love my dogs, my heart and my mind can't find the words to express this...I hope, dear Lexy and sweet Tasha, this is a tiny way to show you my love. kisses and hugs!!!

Songs From Beyond The Grave

So, bear with me when I feel like writing.  Sometimes it's just rambling.  It often starts with a feeling that comes from deep within me and it's usually brought out with some type of music.





 I LOVE music.  The bad news is that I have no music in my car.  It's really a bummer for me because music causes my soul to come alive. Something happened with the computer system in my car and well..there ya have it. No music.  I'm not one really for i pods etc.  I feel so old about now.  I mean, I really liked cd's.  You know, buy it pop it in and play it over and over.  You don't have to do anything else. My son just shakes his head and can't imagine why I think i pods are so complicated.


Music has a way of saying things to me that nothing else seems to be able to communicate.






It seems that music is this channel of communicating not just feelings, thoughts and memories, but also words from the other side.





 I know, I know.  Some may be rolling their eyes about now and thinking to themselves..."this is where I stop reading."  And I totally understand that...but because this is my blog, I'll continue.

My sweet little sister's mother died just last week.  (She is a bff, but she is my soul sister.)  Her mother loved Neil Diamond.  When she was leaving her father's house to go get him something to eat, she walked into the shop, and guess what was on the music in the shop?  Yep, that's right, Neil Diamond.




The night my mother died, I was working out at my gym.  The song "Time After Time" came on, by Cyndi Lauper.  I've always like that song, but for 'some' reason, it stuck in my mind.  The next day when I found out my mother was dead, that song automatically started playing in my mind.


There have been numerous songs that I believe are, well, significant.  When I'm gone, and if you think of me, and just by chance when you think of me a song comes to your mind for no reason, well, there's a reason, it's probably me.  I will probably talk through music.  I hope my loved ones listen and are comforted.  Until then,  I'll raise a glass to music.


Would you not like to be, sittin' on top of the world with your legs hangin' free....dmb