So, I imagine a lot of people will be writing in their blogs today. It's the last day of 2012, a day that once over, will never be here again. But that's true of every day isn't it? The marking of time is something special to me, not sure why, but it is. Time is a tricky thing and I could get all cosmic and ooooey about what I believe about time being an illusion etc etc.
I'll spare you only so you'll read on.
Life has been very good to me this year.
A year ago I was getting ready to start a new job which meant money would come in again. Some of you probably already know how scary life can be if you're not providing for yourself.
After the beginning of the year, life was smooth sailing. My job is still going wonderfully and I couldn't be more pleased! I don't know if it's my age or not, but I no longer think the way I used to...I no longer feel that youthful desire to compete with others or even think like others.
(fyi, my grandkids call me "Poppy")
I do, however, still care what people think. That's probably a good thing since I have wanted to move closer to love. Moving and thinking about love has actually changed my life and made it more peaceful.
There is a check inside of me whenever I want to tell someone what a dumb asshole they are for not believing what I believe, or think the way I think. And yes, guess what? I'm not so sure that I'm right all the time anymore. Wow...go figure!!!
I do know the mistakes I have made in life, and just admitting that I have made mistakes seems to have resolved me from any guilt.
That was until Christmas, when my son informed me and made me aware of things I had done, or said that I wasn't even aware of that hurt him and his sister. BAM!!
Broken! That is a good word to describe my life. Today, I read something from a book called "Traveling Mercies" by Ann Lamott. She talked about all the broken things in her life; broken cars, broken hearts, broken lives. Then she quoted from Eugene O'Neil, "Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is the glue."
Just when I think I have it right and all is well with my soul, there appears another broken area that I either swept under the proverbial rug, or just didn't even realize was there. I have learned to accept my own brokenness these days. It's much easier than always trying to be right or perfect. Trust me though, there is this other little "person" inside of me that still tries to convince me I'm right, or justified. It doesn't matter and won't matter when one day, sooner or later, I know I'm breathing my last breath. What matters to me is relationship. Relationship with myself and others and how well or how poorly I have established things in that relationship.
Another reflection on this New Year's Eve is my relationship with my God. Now you knew I would mention this didn't you???? In any case it's much happier than it ever has been, it's much more peaceful. I have learned to accept things I just don't understand about 'him' , I have learned, after many, many years, that 'he' is, indeed, good. For a long time I always said it, touted it, and tried to convince myself of God's goodness. Funny how that is though.
One thing is certain, if you want truth, you'll get it, right smack dab in the face sometimes....but if you want it, you'll get it one way or another. Usually it starts with the truth about you.
All the little things (and big things for that matter) that are buried deep down inside , the things that can actually keep you from the love of God;... well, they tend to surface and show themselves with a vengeance It's like a crystal clear pond. The water is clear and beautiful as long as the floor of the pond isn't disturbed. Just when you think it's clean and beautiful, something happens. Either a rock is thrown, hits the bottom, or someone actually walks through the pond (Insert here: I like to think that someone walking through the pond of my soul is Jesus himself.) and up comes all the murk, the mud, the slime of the stuff that was sitting nicely undisturbed at the very bottom.
Those things, my friend, are all the imperfections, the brokenness, the illusions, the hate, the pride, the ego, all the things that cause pain, emptiness and loneliness At least that's how I see it.
Sooooooooo, I went deep in that last paragraph. Where was I? Oh yes, reflecting on life at the end of a year. I am grateful for everything in my life. I hear this over and over from people, but they are right to feel grateful. We live in the best place in the world, believe it or not, most people are still good, most people still want to love and be loved, and most people still want to help in times of trouble.
My intentions this new year? Well, I have many, but the most important one is to still try and look at the good side. My intentions are to still try and mend the broken things with the glue of God's grace. Praying really isn't in vain, praying is powerful, however you pray, just pray! There really is a "higher" power that is totally, completely good. (Do we even grasp that? Not sure that I do.) I no longer feel the 'need' to defend my faith or my God when evil things happen to good people. I can't even begin to try. For me, it would be nothing short of arrogance.
All I can do is live to love...and if I error, I hope to error on the side of love instead of efficiency. Not an easy task! I can still say I'm sorry for things in the past because I truly am.
I am sorry to my son and my daughter for the times I listened to others tell me how to raise them. I am sorry when I said too much, spoke too loudly, or tried to get them to think in a way that was not who they really are.
I am sorry for trying to act like I had faith when really all it was was wanting control. I am sorry to my husband for actually the same things. And I am sorry to myself for losing myself all those years ago. I'm sorry to myself that I didn't listen to that voice, some call it the Holy Spirit, that is deep within me. That voice, I have found, has not been wrong. The greatest part about my apologies, my regrets? I know that all the above mentioned, including myself, will and have forgiven me.
I have a video of my father's last Christmas and last New Year's Eve. The thing that is the most poignant in that video was the very last scene when he and my mother were sitting down to a New Year's Eve dinner. In that scene the two of them were alone sitting down to a meal at their dining room table. She was sitting with curlers in her hair and dad was fussing with the video cam trying to get it just right. When he was satisfied with the camera's placement, he went to the table and sat down with my mother. Dad said a few things to her, neither of them looking at each other much, only concentrating on the meal set before them in their own home. Dad lifted his glass and toasted the new year; toasted to the anticipation of a good year, good health and new happiness. Then, it stopped. Three months later, dad died suddenly of a heart attack..
Here's to 2013! I hope it causes us all to think, to love and to know that the other side of this life is a moment away. Make it a good life. Love love love to all who read this and all who don't.
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