A Letter To My Mother

Dear Mom,

It would have been your birthday today.  I'm sorry I didnt' realzie that until I saw it on Facebook; Debbie, of course, posted something. She is so good with remembering dates.  I'm not.  You know that.  You always knew that, and you always knew my other hang ups.  But you still loved me and let me know how much you loved me.  I believe you still love me, are still aware of all my stuff and I feel you at times.  Like today, I felt you this morning on the way to church.  Weird.  I love that kind of "weirdness". 

Okay, enough about me.  I want to talk about you.  About how great you were to pretty much everyone you came across, how accepting you were of people, how beautiful you were, and how much to this day, I admire you.  My bff Carol talks about when we get together.  She remembers how you and her would chat when she came over, and how you always took her in for no matter how long.  She too, said how beautiful you were inside and out.  I can see you now, as if you're here, with that familiar smile on your face saying, "Awww..thank you honey."  Wow, I can hear your voice even. 

You really should have been a career woman.  I hate how the culture back then just assumed a woman got married and basically her purpose was to serve her husband and children.  I mean, you know I don 't think there is anything wrong with that, but for that to be an unspoken law?  I believe that's why you were unhappy at times, you didn't have an outlet for all of your talents.  You were so hugely talented too.  Anyway, you weren't made to just stay at home although you did well with it.  Your creativity found a way to express itself in sewing and decorating.  I'm really glad you finally got a job at the  tv station writing local commercials.  Remember when Doc Severnson said he wanted to be your sugar daddy?  Ha!  Just like a man right mom?  Still, all those little local women, eat your heart out, my mom was the bomb!!! And for sure you were.  I have your picture when you were young on my facebook.  I am so proud of your beauty.  Seriously, you shine!  Dad knew he was out of his league when he got you. Of course I'm not just talking about your outward beauty either.

The older I get, I see you in so many different ways.  I see you, before you even married dad ,as this spirited rebel...pretty, little rebel who ran away to Chicago to find herself.  Instead she found this Jewish bad boy and he, lucky guy, crazily, won your heart.  I know you often wondered what it would have been like to marry someone else.  You were always this princess married to a commoner.  I'm sort of joking, but not really.  You dated guys before dad, who were financially above the jewish ghetto that he came from. Although now, we know, he worked his ass off and provided  well for you .  At least towards the end he did.

I miss you mom. There's this young woman inside of me that misses you terribly.  Now I'm older, not a young woman anymore, but I miss you just as much now as I did when you died.  I don't want to get maudlin or anything, but since I'm writing this, I want you to know it.  I wish you would have been there for Shauna's wedding, for the birth of my grandkids, and selfishly, for that really difficult time I went through.  I miss you!  Sometimes I even resent my husband for being able to have his parents still around.  But you never wanted to get like Mimmy.  You didn't want to leave your home. So you didn't.  And we know the rest of the story.

Sometimes, not so much lately, but sometimes when you were first gone, I saw you in dreams.  I know it was you.  I know the dead talk in spite of the dogma...I know. It was about three or four days after you died, and we were all at your house taking care of things, and I heard you say to me, "Peggy, enjoy your life."  I heard it as I was going from the kitchen to the living room...I stopped right there in the hallway and just didn't move because it was so random....I know it really was you.  Anyway, haven't heard from you lately so maybe you're somewhere else now; somewhere where there really are no more tears.  It doesn't matter where you are, it matters who you were.  And you were, in a tiny little word, AMAZING.  I'm so glad you were my mother.  Love you always mom.....

Until next time,

Pegala