In Memory, In Love

It's been 43 years ago this month that my 18 year old boyfriend was thrown from the drivers side of his friend's jeep and died.  They say he died instantly and that actually helps to know that he didn't suffer.


I was so young; not even eighteen.  We were together for only two years, but those two years, when you're that young are very formative years.



Our relationship had been going downhill for a few months  before he died, but still, it was a young, teen age love.



 About eight years ago I finally dealt with a lot of issues in me that had to do with his death and my feelings about his death.  Little did I know that for over thirty years there was so much I hadn't dealt with.  It's such a sensitive subject and I wish I were better at explaining how one deals with these complicated issues. 



I met him at the bowling alley where  kids hung out. Honestly, I don't remember that day.  It happened, I know, because of a note from him  that I still have to this day.  He wrote something like this; "I remember when we first met at the bowling alley."  It continues to say how he "will always love me no matter what happens." 
 

We had troubles towards the end, we had a lot of troubles.  For reasons I won't get into now, I believed he "went out" on me with someone else.  




That was horrible for a jealous little girl like me. And then, about eight years ago, the girl who I thought was with him(now of course, a woman) saw my sister.  They had superficial  chatting and then she asked how I was. She told my sister, "she (me) always thought Dave and I were together, but it wasn't true.  The most we did was just talk. We were only friends."  That was so odd,almost forty years later this happens, this is what she said, it was so nicely odd and it made me feel like a load I had been carrying for years had been lifted.

My young boyfriend always had great cars but he had a motorcycle that was his pride and joy.It was a BSA 650 which they don't make anymore.



Sitting on the back as we rode down the highway was always fun and felt so free.  There was a lot that we did that was fun and memorable.  For years I wouldn't let myself think of the good  times we had together because of the "what if's" involved. What if it would have actually worked out with him and myself?





  Looking back it seemed he must have known what my love language is; among other things, I love gifts.  Once he bought me a diamond band, another time, a brown velvet suit. I still have the gold bracelet he bought me, I wear it often. 

Right after he died I had a dream, a very, very vivid dream, where I was at the bottom of a hill. The hill was beautiful and grassy. It was so brightly green; as green as green can be,





sun shining, and the clouds a perfect shade of blue.  I was at the bottom looking up to the top and there he was, walking with his back to me.  It was so real. I didn't feel that I "woke up".  When I opened my eyes, I was alert; as if I hadn't slept, it wasn't as if I had been asleep.  My body didn't feel the way it does when I usually wake up. 

Then, a few years ago, I had a another dream:  I was getting ready for some formal event.




(I went to my junior and senior prom with him.) As I was getting ready I remember thinking or saying or however things are during dreams, that my arms looked fat. ( Random! ) Then, a limo came to pick me up and take me somewhere, I didn't know where.  As I got into the car the driver communicated to me that we were going across the ocean. It wasn't in "words" that you can hear...it was just a message. I told the driver that it made me nervous because I couldn't swim, and we were in a car etc.  He communicated back, "don't worry, we'll stay by the shore; the shallow part." 




 Next thing I know, Dave, my boyfriend was in front of me.  He was as clear as day, but only from the chest up.  He was wearing a baby blue v-necked sweater, one he used to wear all the time,  and he was looking directly into my eyes. The blue in his eyes was as bright as a summer day, but they were also intense as fire,intense and clear. With tousled, curly brown hair he looked just as he did all those years ago. Nothing was said, nothing happened. It was what I felt that has left a lasting impression on me!



I think he may have had his hand on a door knob.  I didn't see anything but him really.  The thing that was most impressive was the way he looked directly into my eyes.  Waking up right after my dream, I felt so happy, so peaceful, as if I had seen him again after years and years of seperation.

My son sent me a song called "Little Talks" that made me think of Dave.  The tune, lyrics and video are all  so awesome!

I don’t like walking around this old and empty house

So hold my hand I’ll walk with you my dear.

 The stairs creak as I sleep,

It’s keeping me awake

It’s the house telling you to close your eyes.

Some days I can’t even dress myself.

It’s killing me to see you this way.

 ‘Cause though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safely home.

There’s an old voice in my head

That’s holding me back

Well tell her that I miss our little talks.

Soon it will all be over, buried with our past

We used to play outside when we were young and full of life and full of love.

Some days I feel like I’m wrong when I’m right

Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear

 ‘Cause though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safely home



 Hey
Don’t listen to a word I say
Hey
The screams all sound the same

You’re gone, gone, gone away

I watched you disappear.
All that’s left is a ghost of you.

Now we’re torn, torn, torn apart,

There’s nothing we can do

Just let me go, we'll meet again soon.

Now wait, wait, wait for me,
please hang around

I’ll see you when I fall asleep (mumford and sons)

It's been 43 years and one thing I've learned; love never dies. I am married, have a family, I have a husband whom I love dearly and who loves me, I have kids and grandkids...yet I still love him, he will always be a part of my life, but it's the 18 year old inside of me that loves him. Or is it?