Soul Mates

He was sabotaging our relationship, his life, so I left him. For that matter, I was probably doing the same. I thought I could live without him.  He didn't think he could live without me.  We parted.  Like a piece of pottery that fell to the ground and broke.  There we were, lying as broken pieces of one entity, but separated.


As time passed, I enjoyed all the things I told myself I would enjoy without him.  I listened to country music. He hated country music.  I sort of liked it, but decided it was over-rated.  I went out with the 'girls'..




but when I couldn't find my car at almost midnight, and feared I would turn into a pumpkin, there was no one there to call and help guide me through the city streets.


I would come home and see pictures of our life together all over my home. There really was no escaping his memory or the love we shared.  I did love him still, but couldn't live like I had been living.  Arguing every week with a vengeance But loneliness was  creeping in fast.  Knowing him, he was already with another woman, a younger woman.

Funny how it goes, isn't it?  Finally, after planning my life without him, I broke.  I couldn't go on anymore, I couldn't fake it.




 I needed HIM, not just another person, I needed him, in all his weaknesses, in all his faults, in spite of all the times he hurt me, I still wanted him.  There was this huge void, this huge emptiness.  I needed to pick up the pieces and glue them back together, however imperfect it might be, I needed it, us, back together.

When he came over that night, I hadn't seen him for what seems like an eternity. He looked so good, but still so imperfect.  He also looked lost.  I can only say that he looked like the man that was/is supposed to be mine..to be my other half.


And he came back.  In all of his weaknesses, I love him.  In all of my weaknesses, I hope he loves me too.  This is what I signed up for.  Fate? Providence?  Maybe, but I do know this is the way it's supposed to be. And I am now happy and at peace with him as part of me.
   

Just Time

My sister posted some pics of me from 1979...A world away, a life away..... seems like a dream away. 



No one told me that time would go by so fast, so crazy fast.  In that picture I had a beautiful child, a husband that I had only been married to for just three years and a sense of self esteem that would darken any sunshiny day.  




I was beautiful!  My skinny arms, my pouty mouth, my large, curious, naive eyes and my almost black, thick, silky, long hair. I think that's what I miss most,is my thick, long hair.


Time really doesn't wait for anyone. My beautiful baby girl, not even walking then. Now, she's a personal trainer, has a husband and three kids. Go figure.  


I look at the man sitting on the other side of the room with me and I wonder when he changed?  




I don't remember seeing his hair change color, or the lines in his face coming on.  I look at him and see the same man I married.  


I've had "a little help from my friends" as far as keeping myself as ageless  as possible.  

I see my life as a  little capsule.....or a hope chest maybe, 



that is full to the brim with all sorts of recollections. All of these memories, thoughts and feelings come to me as a conglomeration of emotional, physical and mental anamnesis.
  

All of that is funneled into an emotion of nostalgia, too complicated for me even to try and describe.


And that's where music comes in.....

Dreamy Saturday Night

It's 11:30 on a Saturday night...cool temp outside, and the day has been a pleasantly warm 80 degrees.  Living the dream here!

  

I just heard a siren, my dogs are relaxed in their places of comfort; one on the couch with my husband, and the other on her Pottery Barn dog bed. (I adore Pottery Barn!)  Bonobo is on Pandora, my husband is lying on the couch reading his novel. I just finished reading my new decorating book. (Yes, decorating books have words...even paragraphs.)  

I've been thinking about how we have our different loves.  Love of God, love of self, love of others, love of space, love of life...and the list goes on. 




I'll focus in on my love for my dogs. I'll start with Tasha. She's part Pug, part Australian Shepherd, extremely intelligent and extremely cute.  She is the joy of my life.  I can't imagine life without her!  




At only a year and half, she is probably in her late teens in doggy years.  


I read that the seven human years to one doggy year just isn't accurate.  It's more like the first two years of a dog's life are accelerated versions a human's life. So, at two human years, a dog is  in her early twenties. After that, the dog then has four years to our one year.  Anyway, that's how old Tasha is and that might give you some insight into her maturity level.  

She became a part of our family a year ago February.  






Her happiness is contagious.  She has always seemed happy.  I love that about her. There is this sort of innocent confidence that she has.  At times I see evidence of a bit of a dark past, but not much.


Then there's my princess Lexy. 




She is physically very beautiful, almost a purebred American Eskimo. My vet said she wasn't pure, but she sure looks exactly like the American Eskimo. Exactly!  





She was badly abused and had about three homes before she became a part of our family.  Although I know she is secure in the love we have to offer, the traces of her pain still are evident. 



 I accept them, and she feels safe to now show her true self to me.  She is probably the most loyal dog that has ever lived with me and she is like my shadow around the house.  Both of these beautiful animals are an intricate part of my love of life.



Sometimes people question my passion for animals with the argument that there are so many children, both born and unborn that need help.  It doesn't matter to me; I still  am focused on the innocence of animals and their fate under human powers.  


My life is so good right now.  I have a fantastic job, my marriage is drama free, but there's still that spark that we both felt almost thirty seven years ago when we first fell in love. 






 Our kids are beautiful, and our grandkids a joy.  We are living the dream.  I am happy.  As happy as happy can be.
 

I know there's suffering, I know things could be different..better.  





But for now, in this moment, on this
Saturday night, with my home clean, my dogs by my side, my husband now asleep on the couch, great music in my ears, candles burning, and time ticking...well, like I said, I'm living the dream....................  For now! 





 love to you all....