However, it did shine its light on my present situation. I'm not gonna lie, I'm getting older rapidly, and that alone has the ability to cause me to have a "poor me" type attitude. Maudlin! I believe the mind, clearly, has different functions from the metaphorical heart. It has no emotions, just information, problem solving, planning skills, and so on. I don't believe it tells the heart how to feel, but it's pretty damn influential! The emotions probably spar a lot with the mind.
Sometime, in late December, last year, I wrote a letter to God. It's a tradition that has faded out, but I've been doing it alone. The way it goes is, at the end of the year, preferably New Year's Eve, you ask God, via the letter, for things you'd like to see happen in the coming year. You put it in an envelope, seal it, and it’s not to be open until the following new year. Every time I've opened that little envelope, there have magically been wishes on my list that have come to pass. For a few years, all of the things on my list materialized.
The other night, I decided to open my letter. I had a list of about twenty things that were written down. I thought seeing a few things on my list would cheer me up...give me hope. As I opened the pretty gold, well sealed envelope, I saw the folded, lined paper of my letter. I took it out, unfolded it and read.
Not. One. Single. Thing. Happened!
POW!!!
Of course, my friend, anger rushed forward trying to help. It didn't!
Anyway, if you've read my blogs lately, you know they've been sort of downers. Not without good reason though! I write this blog for me. They're truly thoughts and words from my heart.
As I mentioned earlier, my mind was doing its racing, and would stop in different places. Sometimes the emotionless mind can be my friend. The idea of gratitude came forward and my heart sleepily woke up. (Sometimes becoming calloused and denying emotions of their rightful place in my life, is the only place to turn, just to get through the day!)
The feeling didn't last long, but the realization did. I have it pretty damn good! I really do! I thought of all I have: the security that surrounds me in the form of my dogs (of course!), my family who are healthy and relatively happy as far as I know, my fantastic friends (I love you Carolyn!), my husband, my home, living in a place where there are 299 days of sun a year, which leaves only 66 days of grey skies, and I don't worry about rent, or a house payment. I'm so very grateful for our casita, that makes money for all the extra luxuries in our lives. (I never in a million years thought buying a house would be a source of income. Thanks to Phil and Ian for talking me into it!)
Yeah, gratitude is powerful. But giving is just as powerful, if not more so.
To summerize my rambling blog, my mind and tired heart were able to show me a few things I started not to care about. They showed me the "magic", but true formula for peace: being grateful and generous!
"How 'bout getting off of these antibiotics?
How 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up?How 'bout them transparent dangling carrots?
How 'bout that ever-elusive kudo?
Thank you, India
Thank you, terror
Thank you, disillusionment
Thank you, frailty
Thank you, consequence
Thank you, thank you, silence
How 'bout me not blaming you for everything?
How 'bout me enjoying the moment for once?
How 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you?
How 'bout grieving it all one at a time?
The moment I let go of it
Was the moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down
How 'bout no longer being masochistic?
How 'bout remembering your divinity?
How 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out?
How 'bout not equating death with stopping?
Thank you, India
Thank you, providence
Thank you, disillusionment
Thank you, nothingness
Thank you, clarity
Thank you, thank you, silence" Alanis Morissette
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