Mercy.. Will We Overcome This?

My heart aches for so many reasons.








 It seems the world "has lost her way again" (Dave quotes).









But it does.  Hope is almost a thing I've forgotten. Even the beautiful desert sky, always as blue as blue can be, is grey, is sad. Oven like heat is a reminder that things need to slow down, need to  stop.  I wish there would be a pause in this bitterness and loss, a pause to remind ourselves of the beauty in life.  But no pause...it just keeps going like a cog in a machine.  There doesn't seem to be happiness without the dull, achy reminder that it will pass and the sadness will soon seep in and spread like mold growing on a wall.  I know, not a good read tonight.





Is it me just getting older?  Is it me giving up trying to look at the "brighter" side? Or are things really bad?  I think they're bad.  And to try and blame is only a distraction to help us not feel the hurt, the pain.  

The Orlando tragedy is heavy and hard to bear.




We try to paint it into a political picture where guns are the villains.  Placing blame almost feels better than grieving someone we don't know. Anger feels better than the jabbing, knife like pain in our hearts.It must make some feel better to immediately look for someone to blame...but personally, I think it's a distraction from a reality that is so heinous it's difficult to wrap our minds around it.



People used to tell me I was too sensitive.






That's really bullshit.  It's such a horrible judgement call and I let it get to me when I was younger. I now see those same people ... they are the ignorant ones.  Apparently Jesus was a little too sensitive as well.  Is it too sensitive to love people, to wish all was well with the world?  To long for a world where there is no hate, or war or suffering?



 I don't think so.

I'll end with a song by Dave and quote by Anne Lamott:

“Hope is not about proving anything. It's about choosing to believe this one thing, that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us.” 
― Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith 

"Mercy"

Don't give up
I know you can see
All the world and the mess that we're making
Can't give up
And hope God will intercede
Come on back
Imagine that we could get it together
Stand up for what we need to be
‘Cause crime won’t save or feed a hungry child
Can't lay down and wait for a miracle to change things
So lift up your eyes
Lift up your heart

Singing mercy will we overcome this
Oh one by one could we turn it around
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer
And I'll try to give you what you need

Me and you and you and you
Just wanna be free yeah
But you see all the world is just as we've made it
And until we got a new world
I've got to say that love is not a whisper or a weakness

No love is strong
So we got to get together yeah
Gotta get gotta get gotta get
Til there is no reason
To fight

Mercy will we overcome this
Yeah one by one could we turn it around
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer
And I'll try to give you what you need

Mercy will we overcome this
Have we come too far to turn it around
Ask too much to be a little bit stronger
Cause I wanna give you what you need

Mercy what will become of us
Oh one by one could we turn it around
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer
And I'll try to give you what you need

Everything Is Amazing and Nobody Is Happy (Louis CK)

Okay so I stole my title line from good ole' Louis CK...(love him).  But if you watch his comedy routine on that, it's true.  We live in an age where we have everything we need at our finger tips.  There's so much we have available to make our lives much easier than ever before.  But God help us when they don't work.  And God help us even more when a lot of them don't work at the same time.

Take me for instance.  I refuse to buy a car I can't pay cash for. And I refuse to buy a mode of transportation that will empty my savings or checking or both.  So I did my research, Kelly Blue Book, the whole nine yards. I found a one owner from a great family who just wanted something brand new.  I love Acuras and of course this was an Acura.  It is, mind you, fourteen years old. But hey, it's a one owner with less than a hundred thousand miles.  Right? And Lord, the sound system....OMG...it's a Bose.  When I popped in my DMB cd... well hey, I could have died and gone to heaven.   I could hear every instrument as clearly as if the whole band was in my living room playing just for me.  

The drive my new old car gives me is smooth, fast and noiseless.  I was happy and knew that this would be a great ride for at least one hundred thousand more miles.  But a few days ago it just didn't want to start. It sort of coughed, spit and labored until it finally fired up. However, not long later, it just didn't turn over at all.  Now it's in the shop. Yep, haven't even had it a month.  

Good thing is, we have an extra car for times like these; maybe not the prettiest one on the road, but it's there. My husband had driven it a while ago and used it to take the dogs to dog park.  Needless to say it was filthy, really filthy.   A trip to the car wash was on the agenda for today. I cleaned that thing inside and out without missing an inch.    After thoroughly vacuuming it I got in, put in the key and nothing.....NOTHING!! AND I forgot my cell phone.  To make a long story short, I was finally able to get a hold of my husband and he came and gave me a jump start. 

The list goes on about how all these great luxuries of technology and machinery have one by one decided to call it a day;  as if telling me, "Sorry, we're tired and want a rest. We all decided to gang up on you, put our nose in the air and laugh as we quit."  


This whole saga makes me think of a comedy routine Louis CK did. Watch and enjoy:

Numbing and Writers Block

I don't know why I have' writers block. I can't feel much of anything anymore.  I'm thinking this may not be good.  You know the scripture..."I would rather have you too hot or too cold but never luke warm.".....or something like that.  I've been feeling luke warm lately  Numb....Actually I can't say that I'm totally innocent of not knowing why...I have a pretty good idea .



 We're taught to suppress our feelings and I think now I've become a master. The only trouble is, I know that if feelings are pushed down, way down into the bowl of denial, they eventually pop out.  But even then, something tells me they may not. Something tells me that I can be numb and here's how.   There's a thin line between letting things go and pushing them down.  I think I know the difference.  I'm pushing some stuff down and it's not good. I know me, it will roar it's ugly face at me eventually. Or not!



It's been a pretty good Saturday.  I don't like having a lot going on. I think it's because my time belongs to someone else most days.  The weekends are mine and I like to own my time, be free and not have responsibilities.  So today I've puttered around the house doing the things that need to be done.  I love these types of days.  And then, at the end of the day, I sit back, relax, and enjoy the fruits of my labor.  Only thing is, I enjoy writing...but when I want to put fingers to the keyboard lately, nothing comes.  Or if it does it's only a few words that are forced and I abandon the whole thing right away.





On a very, very honest note, I've become a master at numbing the things that bring me pain...which are a lot of things.  And those things are, if felt, the things that people relate to...the things that can be artistically expressed in words.  Seriously, the line in Annie Hall where Alvy Singer says, ": I can't enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening."  So that's how I feel. If I see a dog that has been abused, a cat that is starving, a kid whose parents are so selfish and screwed up that their own child takes on the problems, then like Alvy Singer, It puts a crimp in my evening...but it's also more personal.  If someone has hurt me, sometimes I can totally let it go...Other times I can't..and there you have it.  that's when the numbing starts.





I've been through enough counselling and have so many tools to help myself. And God knows I use them.  But now, at this moment...I haven't written for what seems like a lifetime.  I have to write now, even if it's about not writing. Now, as Linda Ellerby would say..and so it goes.  Good night and raise a glass to numbing.  xoxoo

Accepted Sins and Hypocrisy; Specifically Overeating

Last night I had a lot of food I don't normally eat.  Take for instance that huge caramel salted cup cake. WOW...the cupcake itself was $4 and probably in excess of 800 calories; worth every penny I might add. It was glorious, divine, unreal!  Then getting the best pizza ever, I had about five pieces.  Way too many and no, I wasn't hungry. It was in  the sheer sensual delight that I partook.


Sometimes people of my particular faith begrudge and look down upon people with specific addictions. These same people can be overweight simply because they eat more than their body and their energy level requires.  Why would they do that?  Yeah, for the same reason I ate the cup cake and five pieces of pizza for the same reason some people take tokes of marijuana, and for the same people want an alcoholic buzz   Because it felt good to have taste buds sparked and ignited.  Feeling good. Isn't that why addictions happen, or are maintained?  Yes it is.

 

So, why then, do people of faith look down on people who are addicted to feel good drugs or alcohol? Don't even tell me because other people in their lives aren't affected by their over indulgence. It's not true.  Most people who are overweight to the degree of being obese admit that they are not themselves.  They sometimes will say that they are lost on a body that doesn't feel like them.  I'm really ready to get a discussion going.  I don't get it. There are preachers who  obviously are overweight to an unhealthy degree, who preach against alcohol or drugs...but over eating is not mentioned. Why?  Please tell me.  Being overweight is life threatening.



Gluttony is defined as excessive eating or excessive indulgence. I remember a person I used to know commented on facebook about some comment I made. "Are you drunk?"  he asked in all his glorious preacher splendor.





Yet he is obviously overweight to the extent most doctors would consider to be obese.  It doesn't make sense to me.  Why are there certain sins we like to discuss and others swept under the rug and not even brought up from the pulpit?  I'm totally open for civil discussion.

Doing Life

Doing life.  Right?  How does one do life?  It's a long journey.  Childhood, youth, teens, young adults and then of course adults.


What the hell?  Then you die.







 Yes, but there's a long time between birth and life. And a whole lot of hope. Hope is the key isn't it?  It has to be. If not why bother?  You tell me.



 I'm now a mother of grown adults.  And it's no different from being a mother of tiny kids.  I still feel as though I'm in my teens.  My ideals, my hopes, my dreams. But I'm not.  I'm in my sixties. Yeah, that's right...my sixties. Where did life go? Why so little time and why did it take me this long.





 
We can't separate ourselves from anyone. If we think we can we're living a lie.  It's not true. It's not the way God made it. That's why he told us to love our enemies. If we don't, we will only not love ourselves. And if we don't love ourselves, then ....well....then there leaves only a tiny space for hope. To me hope is life, it's what keeps us alive.



On this Easter  I want to proclaim my love of Christ and his sacrifice. I want to say that He is very  personal to me...my love, my friend, my God my HOPE.  Life is rough...there is little hope without him. I  hope you choose to look to HIM as your hope. You won't be disappointed. You may be lonely, you may feel like a failure, you may be sad, but you will have hope.



I know that dying is scary to us
but everybody do it one, two, three
On the sidewalk, the dandelion
is reaching from a crack up to the sun .

dmb

Happy Easter all!  Happy Resurrection Day...He came back from death.  It's our day!!!  

Alternate World

Where do I begin?  There are  times in my life I coast sweetly down the smooth streets of life.  Until....until I unquestionably make a turn, like clockwork really. It's a stop sign and I turn without a thought.  And there it is... a small place I sort of recognize.





  I have almost forgotten it altogether; until now.  Picture a movie from the 1950's, no color. It's that place where I've landed.  The color is back over the hill, or the corner, or where ever I seem to have just been.  But now it seems like at a thousand years ago.



It's a place that makes me think of being alive. It makes me stop and count what matters....what life is, what life could be, what life could have been, a slower pace with more thought into everything. It's not sad, or happy, but it's peaceful and accepting.  My values are settled when I'm here and the truth is clear at every corner.  There are no words. Just a sort of melancholy.

The only words I relate to, that inspire me are, of course, Dave's...of Dave Matthews. His lyrics to Black and Blue Bird.  But it's the tune that carries me. Have a listen and enjoy!

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"Black And Bluebird"

If I could fly at the speed of light, I
could get to Canis Major in five thousand years
Butterflies and black and bluebirds
I’ll never be the same since I met you
Pennies thrown into a fountain
Make a wish, blow out the candles, take a breath
God is troubling when you consider
believers that would welcome the end of the world

Got a job and it pays me
I want love more than I deserve
I read the paper, makes me crazy
There’s gotta be a way to make it work, oh

Ashes, stardust,
look at us crawling out the mud
Let’s go around the block
we’ll make the most before the jig is up
Dreamers, the big talk,
we’ll never know the thickest never stop
Ashes, stardust,
look at us crawling out the mud

I know that dying is scary to us
but everybody do it one, two, three
On the sidewalk, the dandelion
is reaching from a crack up to the sun
Words can be a wicked tool
For twisting truth I wanna be true to you
Blood and bones, black holes and stones,
all those things pave the way for you and me

Got a job and it pays me
I want love more than I deserve
I read the paper, makes me crazy
There’s gotta be a way to make it work, oh

Ashes, stardust,
look at us crawling out the mud
Let’s go around the block
we’ll make the most before the jig is up
Campfires and high rise
you never did quite know when to stop
Ashes, stardust,
look at me crawling out the mud

If I could fly at the speed of light, I
could get to Betelgeuse in about six hundred years
Butterflies and black and bluebirds
I’ll never be the same since I met you
Baby, dying is scary to us
But everybody do it A, B, C
God is troubling when I consider
believers that would welcome the end of the world

Got a job and it pays me
I want love more than I deserve
I read the paper, makes me crazy
There’s gotta be a way to make it work, oh

Ashes, stardust
look at us crawling out the mud
Let’s go around the block
we’ll make the most before the jig is up
Ashes, stardust
look at us crawling out the mud
Ashes, stardust
look at me crawling out the mud

Butterflies and black and bluebirds
I’ll never be the same since I met you
If I could fly at the speed of light, I
could get to Betelgeuse in about six hundred years
Butterflies and black and bluebirds

To My Son

To my son:

The first twenty or more years of a boy's life he spends trying to cut the apron strings.





 After that, his life develops, his thoughts become his own decisions and he is walking, one step at a time, on his own.  No one is helping him really.






 He finds a soul mate, a partner, a beautiful wife who loves him endlessly, through thick and thin, good times bad times, you know the vows.







After that first twenty years then, a mother starts to really, really let go.






 You know the saying, "A daughter is a daughter all her life.A son is a son until he takes a wife."  Lots of truth in that.  But let me indulge on some motherly sentiments.  A mother's love is probably the closest to God's love I've ever experienced.







That's how it was with my mother.  I say that not because it's more powerful than a person and their soul mate.  I say that because as a mother, I feel a little like God.  I know, that sounds extremely arrogant.  But it's true. If God loves us no matter what, that's what mothers do.  Fortunately you are successful; at least you should know that you are. Maybe  sometimes you think you 'could have, should have, would have', (or maybe not) but you need to know I am so proud of you; everything about you.  The way you think, the way you are.  NEVER doubt that.

I used to think we thought so much alike. I'm not so sure anymore. It's too presumptuous for me to think that.  But we do like the same type of music. That's fantastic because music is my second language.

With that I'll close.  Be patient with me. I'm getting older and although I may have a long time left; I may not.








So I think differently now.  Just a little anyway.  I'm trying to be better, I'm trying to be at peace with myself and God.  It's going really well too. I'm probably happier than I've ever been.  More confident, more at peace.






But one thing I want you always to remember: I'm proud of you, of your heart, of your mind, of your choices.  Don't be too hard on yourself, but don't let yourself get away with a lot either.  If you feel loved, which I hope you do, give it back to someone.





 If you stop and think about how many people love, that's a lot of love.  Take time to feel it.  Then give it back to someone, anyone, but always give love.  I love you son.  Just wanted to let you know.