I Wanna Pack My Bags and Take a Boat to The End of The World

I have this uncanny ability to know when something bleak is going to happen. As you can imagine, it's not a competency that I enjoy or welcome.






 My heart has been heavy ever since the election.






Even in my own personal life things have been a little bit of a struggle from a first world perspective.  But the atmosphere in our country is more disturbing; it's darker than I've felt for a long time.




 I'm trying to keep my head above the proverbial tumultuous waters of our time.  It feels like the Viet Nam era where controversy and borderline despondency was felt all the time; every time you turned on the news.



Some however, are celebrating the fact that Obama is no longer in power, and the same group of people are enthusiastic and hopeful of....of.....honestly, I'm not sure what they are hopeful for with this administration.  Perhaps they think we will soon have a financially profitable America that will take them back to a seemingly more prosperous time.  Maybe it's the Christian Right that seems to think that if we ban abortion, ban same sex marriages and ban anything else they perceive as immoral,  God will bless America.  Maybe they're jubilant because they feel if we shut our doors to the tired, the hungry and poor we will be a safer nation, a more prosperous nation.



The trouble is that I do have an idea why some are pleased Trump is our new leader and they are all listed above.  Elections and new presidents are not supposed to divide families and friends, but it does.  It has.    But I have to say the division is on the opposition as well. Not seeing that this man is closing doors, building walls, and promoting hate is incomprehensible.  As a Christian I believe closing our doors to the type of people this new administration is singling out is hard- hearted and detached from anything Christ taught.

What do I want to do?





 I wanna  "pack my bags and get a boat to the end of the world" .  I love that Dave always has  a song that will sing my soul's inaudible words.

Love Not Hate Will Make America Great...My New Slogan...Wish Me Luck

It's been a rough time lately. The election and new leader of the free world has brought a lot out in me that I don't like. And.....







...........I have allowed it to be a grey cloud that hovers over my existence.  I think it's time for change.




I remember going through a time of soul searching years ago and deciding that I didn't' want to be the hateful, angry person I had been. Sort of like now. That angry person seems to be resurrecting and showing her ugly, painful, hurt self. Again, I will do some soul searching and then decide how to go about change; how to continue to move towards love.





I went to the Women's March in my city yesterday.  It wasn't a march of victory or even much of a protest, just a march trying to show solidarity that what has made America great is love, not the absence of love.  You can be against something, but show love. When the Viet Nam Vets came home in the 60's and 70's, they were not greeted well because of anti war protests.  It hurt our country more than helped.  We vowed we would never do it again.

I heard a slogan that was continually chanted yesterday, "Love not hate will make America great".  It keeps going over and over in my mind.  Good thing the power of words!! I made a decision those words will take precedence in my mind for the next four years.  I've put too many negative things out there that  come back to haunt and mainly hurt me.  But, I still believe and stand by what I put out there,  as odd as it may seem.   Feeling betrayed by my own "religion" is something I can't shake. I used to go to this amazing counselor and after pouring my heart out  about an issue, she would usually say, "And what can you learn about yourself with this?"  Again, I will ask myself this, and perhaps there will be change for the better deep inside my very core.



Maybe I'm finished trying to save the world, or even finished trying to make a difference.








Maybe I should do what Garrison Keelor suggested so many might do for the next four years; "Grow heirloom tomatoes" and busy myself with hobbies, doing the best I can at work, and loving my family; both humans and four legged members.

I've read posts saying things like, "Get over it, we won " and "I'm tired of hearing you're not happy with the results" .  I guess I'll take the hint.  I'll quit trying to explain why a lot of the world is perplexed that we have chosen such a man for president. Maybe, just maybe, I should even hope for the best.  (That's gonna be a challenge!!)



In the meantime I have no regrets about what I've said or done. What I posted  were things the new president had said, or pictures of his wife posing nude about ten years ago.  In my defense, I said nothing about whether posing nude is wrong or right. I just basically said that this is our new first lady.  People thought my post  was tacky, and perhaps they were right.  It was tacky, but it is who she was.  And one last word in my defense, if Michelle Obama had done it,  not one of the people who told me they thought it was tacky would have come to Ms. Obama's defense about tackiness. They would have been silent and let it grow like cancer; and it most definite would have. (Thank you Ms. Obama, for being a gracious, strong lady if integrity!!)






I really am not sure how much longer I have here on earth. Maybe twenty years, Maybe more, maybe less.  I remember one of the last things I heard my dad say was, "I have about ten or fifteen more years left" and five days later he died of a massive heart attack.  One of my goals is to die at peace with myself without using any masks, addictions or spurious support systems.







 My little sister is a wonderful example of moving towards peace yet not compromising her convictions about love and what is good, lovely, peaceful and worth meditating on.  Good job Sherry!!

So, wish me luck with my new challenge.  Wish me luck filtering my own thoughts and using discipline, and wish me luck that if nothing else, I will be able to spread a little compassion, love and even hopefulness. Thanks for reading this to the end...xoxoxo

Dear President Obama,

I couldn't watch tonight because I would have cried.  Instead I got into a pissing match (excuse the pun in light of the 'breaking' news) with some guy who posted something on my facebook page defending Trump's insanity.

Anyway, thank you so much for all you did for our country.  Thank you for creating jobs. I remember when you took office things were going downhill fast in this country.  Small businesses were shutting their doors, and even some large corporate owned were laying off way too many people. One of them was my son in law, along with thousands of others who worked for the same corporation.  It was very weird and the whole country had a truly depressed feeling.  You changed that.  Now, house prices have risen back up to almost what they were before the crash, employment is way up, and derelict buildings are now places of business.  If anyone made America great, you did.

And your most beautiful, dignified wife?  I'm just so sad she will be replaced by a soft porn star.  How can that be?  I feel like I now live in Biff Tanen's Hill Valley where every one is hard- hearted and corrupt. But back to your wife Michelle.  I'm so grateful for her and her strength. She was and is such a role model for young girls.  She has beauty, dignity and integrity.  She will be most sadly missed.  I hear the new "first lady" (UG...I don't even like calling her that.) doesn't even want to live in the White House.  Her husband is a billionaire and she probably isn't used to real class.  Oh well....

I know you spoke about being hopeful, positive, and getting out and doing something if we want change.  That sounds all fine and good, but I'm old and done. I don't have the energy anymore. And frankly, I'm worried that it won't matter anyway.  The best thing I believe that I can do is just try to stay peaceful and respectful. It's really easy for me to get angry and go over the edge. Not that I have no control; I choose to go there, and that's not who I want to be.

So for the next four years I'll just decorate, continue to try and lose weight, and be thankful I have a stay at home job which I love.  I loved you and your family Mr. President, and am so very sorry you will not be able to stay.  You did the best job of any president I've ever experienced, and I'm 60 something.  Your legacy will be amazing.  Especially to people who value peace, justice, equality and freedom.

God bless and keep you and your family.

Peggy

Christmas Eve, 2016

It's Christmas Eve, 2016.  It's a Saturday morning and I'm having alone moments.  My husband took our three pups to the park and I'm contemplative in the calm before the festive storm.  Sitting here thinking of people's stories and what makes them who they are. The other day as I was getting my hair done, a woman began telling me her story.  Her mother died in May, she was 90.  A few days after the funeral a woman  told her she was adopted; that her mother was not her biological mother. This woman is in her 50's.  Can you imagine?  I was full of questions.  I asked her if she ever felt as if  her mother  tried to tell her the truth about her unknown genealogy.  She told me while on her death bed her mother asked her, "What color are my eyes?"  The daughter, thinking  she was just probably delirious because she was so close to death, dismissed it and just answered, "My eyes are green mom."  The mother continued.  "What color are my eyes?"  And the daughter answered again, "Yours are blue."  "What does that tell you?", the mother responded.Apparently the woman tried to tell her daughter she was adopted; that she wasn't the birth mother.

When my mother in law was about eight years old she was in a horrible accident .  She was bedridden for probably a year.  A motorcycle hit her and she almost had to have her leg amputated.  Back in those days it would have been immediately cut off,if not for her very strong, stubborn mother. Unfortunately, my mother in law's accident molded her with bitterness, fear and a victim mentality.  Don't get me wrong, she was strong and had good points, but it was obvious she would not forgive the driver who hit her.

We all have stories. We all have issues.  And they affect our lives.  For the good, or for the bad, the things that happen to us shape us and mold us to make us who we are.  The thing is though, we decide how the events in our lives shape us. For the bad, or for the good?  We choose. Whether we want to believe it or not, we have control over how we react and how we will perceive life.   It's not easy sometimes, I know for sure, to let the tragedies, the odd twists, and the hidden secrets help make us better people.



This last year, 2016,  has been good to me.  I'm hoping 2017 will be even better.  Although I'm in denial about who has been chosen to lead this country of ours, I'm still hoping for the best.  I have decided to let the next four years mold me into a stronger person. I've decided to let this help me follow Martin Luther King, Jr, Gandhi, and my favorite, Jesus, examples by making sure that love and peace wins out over hate, prejudice and especially fear. Not an easy task!!  I decided  a long time ago that if something causes fear, I will intentionally move far away.  Fear is not of God, as the bible says.

My daughter in law and son will be welcoming their first baby into our world. A boy!  They will call him Brighton, Brighton Mac.  I am totally in love with this name. It moves my heart and now I feel as if I know him.  It's a strong, powerful name.  I can't wait to see him.  I imagine he'll have the same beautifully, shining black hair as his father, and probably green or blue eyes.  Both his parents are so good looking it would make you jealous.  And their spirits?  Wow...both mother and father are strong willed, passionate and extremely loving.  Brighton (I love saying that name) will be his own boy, someday, his own man.  I hope the he chooses to let love and forgiveness mold the stories in his life.



So, it's time to wash, vacuum, set up and get ready for a day filled with love, giving, and hope. Hope for the future.  Hope for my children and grandchildren.  I am one lucky woman to have such an amazing family who love me and their father as we are. They have loved us through the good and the bad.  Thank God for them; they are indeed a gift to us.  Prayer and hope go hand in hand, and I'm a woman of hope.  I hope this year my faith, especially,  will only become greater.  And to everyone I truly wish you peace.  Peace to you,  and peace for our small, imperfect planet.



Love to you!!!!

Couldn't end a blog without Dave, now could I?  I hope you listen!

Trump's America

I've been feeling a blog coming on for a while...so here I go.  It's been a while since the election. I still have not been on facebook for the simple fact that I don't want to have that negative energy implemented in my soul.  Yes, it's about the election. Yes, it's about the dufus who will soon be our president.

One of the best reads about after the election blues was written by Garrison Keillor, whom I've always loved reading and listening to.  Here he quotes what I feel:

"He will never be my president because he doesn't read books, can't write more than a sentence or two at a time, has no strong loyalties beyond himself, is more insular than any New Yorker I ever knew, and because I don't see anything admirable or honorable about him."

But for me and many others, life goes on.  I will make every effort to live in denial for the next four years, burying myself in interior decorating, keeping my three dogs brushed and trying to convince people to go vegan.  However, the glimpses of headlines don't escape even the most sincere person trying to live in political denial.  

What bothers me the most are the day to day experiences.  The headlines I can quickly skim  over and pretend I didn't see them.  But the other night I was at a Christmas party, I didn't know anyone except my husband.  Most of the people there were conservatives who probably voted for Trump. Inwardly I prayed politics wouldn't come up, but it did.....I bit my tongue, smiled and patiently didn't say a thing.  I was so good!  Then, a very white lady with hair that looked like a brown puff that encased her head like a rain cloud spoke up. She had been talking and laughing and having a good ole' time the whole night. She obviously knew everyone there and on top of seeming pretty confident with her own personality,  she won all the little Christmas games we played.  She was on  a role. I sat and smiled and asked the right questions you ask when you don't know people. The night was almost over, I felt triumphant that I held myself together and stayed carefully away from any topic that was controversial.   I was ready to go. Then I heard this woman, with the brown rain cloud of hair, across from me, say, "Yeah, Trump's wall that he's going to put to separate "Brown Town from Arizona."  

I was in total dismay.  It was clear that's what she said.  "Brown Town"....."Trump's Wall" .....and "Separate".  However it was "Brown Town" that shocked me. I was aghast!  I looked around, wide eyed and wondering in dismay if anyone else heard what I had heard. More importantly, what was their reaction.  Nothing.  All was as 'normal' as it had been all night.  Except of course for my reaction.  

My sweet little, politically correct smiling face probably turned a bright shade of green; sick and angry green.  I still didn't say a thing. I wanted to, but I think I was too stunned.  I turned and looked at the  woman next to me whom I hadn't said much to. I just looked her in the eyes...my eyes wide and wondering, hoping for some sort of consoling eye contact of non verbal assurance... but her eyes were emotionless, maybe even wondering why my look was desperate. I couldn't read her.  I just shook my head and turned and stared at this rude, in my opinion, racist, woman, with the brown, cloud puffy hair.  I stared daggers.  I wanted to say something but didn't want to embarrass my husband, so I just stared a stare that was as thick as smoke from a burning building.  I actually wanted to say something like, "What the hell did you just say???" I almost didn't care if I embarrassed him or not. 

I whispered in a not so low voice tone to my husband, "Did you just hear what that woman said?"  He replied that he didn't think it was the way it sounded. I disagreed. How can "Brown Town" mean anything else? Bitch!

Okay, so yet again, I digress. The whole point of this story is that this is what Trump's America looks like, sounds like.  Racism without shame.  Like getting totally naked in front of everyone and telling them to F---off...they'll do it if they want to...it's their right.  But the blatant racism that Trump has encouraged is actually worse than that.  Being naked is about only you. But baring your pure, unadulterated racism is what is happening now.  

The thing that is scarier than racism gone wild is his ignorance.  His ability to get us into a major war is very real. He spoke with Taiwan; something no president has done for over 40 years, with good reason. Of course this pissed China off.  I won't even touch the fact that this selfish narcissist with serious attention deficit disorder, will totally put our national security at risk.  

People who are okay with this porn advocate say that we shouldn't let politics divide us.  I say, "why not?"  People that enabled him to be president by either voting for him or doing a write in vote have morals and a basic value system so entirely different from mine that I don't see any point to continue to associate myself with them. And these same people have a difficult time quoting his own words of being a proud pussy grabber: "grab 'em by the pussy".  

About fifteen years ago I had a dream.  A real dream.  I dreamed that I was a fly on the wall in a small apartment. There were two men in the room. An Asian looking guy and an Middle Eastern looking guy. In the middle of this small, drab apartment was a little card table with a table cloth over it that reached the floor.  Suddenly there was a knock on the door. The Asian guy sort of panicked and motioned for the other guy to quickly get under the table. As the Asian guy opened the door there were police that stormed in looking all around. They had guns in their hands and didn't look like they knew much about mercy or grace.  They looked like they were passionately doing their job. They looked all around and then left.  I woke up and the thought went across my mind, "Would you hide a Muslim the way some hid Jews?"  This was fifteen years ago. I believe it was a God thing....a God dream. This was probably a prophetic dream about Trump's America.  I now wear a safety pin on all that wear to show that I am a safe place for all that Trump will try to oppress, for all that Trump will not defend.  

I am still very upset, very sad and I grieve.  I grieve for the great America that we're slowly turning into.  The white dream that we are a Christian nation is not true. I don't believe what I was once taught.  Christ did not teach what I learned in the '50's and '60's.  They were lies.  

Okay, rant done, sort of, for now.   I'll end with Dave singing what my heart feels.  I do hope you listen!

.  

Feeling nostalgic.  Listening to Dave Matthews "the Song that Jane Likes". Reminds me of my sister actually; Sherry Jane, Yeah, she's the baby. I remember when my mother  brought her home from the hospital.  My mother really did look like Marilyn Monroe.  She had that blonde hair, totally blonde hair, and this beautiful smile, and an incredible body. Even after delivering her fourth baby. It was a little '50's house.  I ran out to meet her.  She had Sherry all swaddled like the baby Jesus.  Mom had this big, huge smile on her face. She said something like, "Do you want to see her?"It was like she had this amazing treasure in her arms. And her smile could have lit up the very darkest night.  She  ever so gently pulled the little baby blanket from Sherry's face and revealed this tiny cherub. Mom with this huge smile, and me, in total awe of everything. A baby angel coming home, and mom smiling so happily.  I hadn't seen mom that happy ever.

Mom had four kids and was an amazing mother. I don't know if she really planned on four kids, or actually really wanted four kids. Personally, I think she could have been an over achieving business woman, but it was the 50's. She was a loving mother who was there for us as much as she could be.  And then she broke.  She just broke one day and went to the hospital.  We had a housekeeper who I felt didn't like me. I really, to this day, believe I was right.  But backing up, when mom started having issues, I was still playing Barbies. I was never into baby dolls..it was the Barbie, with her beautiful blonde pony tail and that waist so fucking tiny you could put a tiny little rubber band around it and it wouldn't break.  I would play Barbies alone most of the time.  But Sherry was my little Barbie.

Sherry turned out to be my doll. I loved playing with her. I loved looking at her strawberry blonde curls that framed her tiny white face and her delicately painted lips. She was a site to behold. We played forever it seems. I told her how to do things...how to brush her hair, how to talk, walk, everything. Then we were teens, I had a boyfriend, and that was it.

And now I'm in my 60's.  She is still my beautiful sister.  Sisters just go on and on.  I love her dearly and miss those innocent days. Listening to Dave tonight...I thought of Sherry...so my sweet little sister, this one's for you:

The Song That Jane Likes Lyrics

from Under The Table And Dreaming

 Under The Table And Dreaming Other Album Songs

---

And in plays to write the wire in
I'll come back again
Torching time talking rhymes in
I'll come back again

Would you like to play
With the thought of a friend
In a distant passing stage
While you lie around
With your hands up and out
So resigned you will fall down

While you around here play
Wild on the warm and far away
While you around here play
The days keep scribbling themselves
In tidy lines

Would you like to play
With a fool holding hands
With a one-eyed jack of spades

While on the deck they sing
All of the captain's cards are kings
Still he and the queen are lost at sea
I hope it isn't you and me

And I'll be back round again
Yes I'll walk in time with you old friend
And we'll find that place
That we had danced in so long ago

And in plays to write the wire in
I'll come back again
Torching time talking rhymes in
I'll come back again
With this resigned
The letter I sign

Read more: Dave Matthews Band - The Song That Jane Likes Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

The Divided States of America; He Is NOT My President!!

It's  Saturday night and my husband is going pub crawling with some friends. I'm totally fine with that. I've been working on making my ugly, dated bathroom bearable for my aesthetic mind.  I've been doing projects so that I won't think about  the world as I know it. Because I don't see anything familiar these days. Did I mention that after the election I left facebook? Yeah, I did.  I knew that if I stayed on, I'd become just like the people I couldn't stand. Weird though, how I still think in facebook posts.

The election?  Ahhhhh. the election!  Did it upset me?  That's putting it mildly...very mildly.  I went into a depression.  And as I did, people would post, on facebook, "Where's you faith?"  Where's my faith?  Well, it sure the hell isn't in the American public. It's no so much that I wanted Hillary to win, it's that I couldn't imagine an idiot such as Donald Trump and his weird lips to win. But he did and the cloud of doom rolled over me.  I am a liberal in so many ways....probably in every way.  I didn't ever think I would be. But the way the conservatives believe makes me think they want to truly live out their fantasy of being in a John Wayne movie. Apparently, Trump is their John Wayne.  He may not last and of course Pence will be moved up. I haven't read a lot about Pence, but what I've read and heard isn't good.  I've already heard that people who commit hate crimes are actually feeling comrade-re with Trump.

I went out just yesterday. It was the first day I actually went out after the election. I was waiting for someone to say, " How are you?"  In which I would have replied, "Ask me in four year."  But they didn't.  Maybe they know. Maybe they realize how divided we are.  The Divided States of America! That's what I'm calling it now, because it's true.

Meanwhile I'm off facebook and it's freeing.  It's been addicting; I've kept up with family and friends, but now, it's like, how can we ignore the elephant in the middle of the room?  How can we ignore the idiot who is supposed to be president of our country?  I know that I would post hateful things...so I have to use self discipline and not go there.

In the meantime I still think in facebook posts.  Odd how quickly we let something be so much a part of us.  I'm sad, I'm disillusioned, I'm frustrated, and I'm tired.  Dave says it all for me.  Again.

"Everybody Wake Up (Our Finest Hour Arrives)"

Everybody wake up
If your living with your eyes closed
See the man with a bomb in his hand
Everybody wake up

Oh baby it's not easy sometimes
They build these walls ever higher and hide behind them
Seems an odd way to try and make things right
Oh I feel like I go crazy sometimes

Our finest hour arrives
See the pig dressed in his finest fine
The believers stand behind him and smile
As the day lights up with fire

Everybody wake up
If your living with your eyes closed
See the man with a bomb in his hand
Everybody wake up

I Remember the words of the misguided fool
Do unto others as you'd have them do
Not an eye for an eye is the golden rule
Just leaves a room full of blind men

And the finest hour arrives
See the pig dressed in his finest fine
Don't believe him leave and stand behind him and smile
As the day lights up with fire

Everybody wake up [etc]....

Everybody wake up
if your living with your eyes closed
see the man with a bomb in his hand
Everybody wake up