Home and Relationships With It's Core

I have been thinking about my former home in Kansas City. 



I lived there for twenty years and a lot of memories were made there.  Memories with my children as they grew up...those were the good ones. And then there were the ones with just me and my little life and my little world...some not so good. You'd think that I wouldn't be attached, but I am.  I don't  think it was the memories though that I am so fond of, so nostalgic about, but it was the house itself. That house seemed to have a life of it's own.

I loved it from day one.  It was/is majestic and stately.  A wonderful two story with handsome pillars.  But it was more than looks. As I loved this house, it seemed to love me back.  I groomed it, redid it so it's beauty would continue to shine, and cared for it; sometimes more than I cared for myself.  I let myself go for a time, but could not do that to my precious home; the place I would go to and hide from the world. 


Like me, my home aged, so I would refinish floors, knock out walls and put finally use every usable space to it's fullest, most beautiful potential. When times were the hardest for me, I neglected it, almost abused it, and forgot about it.  All I could do was live there.  I could not love it anymore as I could not even love myself.  It was sad with me, I felt it almost like a friend who would feel what I was feeling, but it still was my refuge when all seemed lost.  I  sat in it's rooms and sighed, and it seemed to sigh with me.

Almost a year ago now, we sold it and moved out west to this new home. 

I said my goodbyes and promised it that I thought it would be the owner of a new landlord who would love it as much as I had, hopefully more, if that is possible.  And I think it is!  I still feel guilty at the clutter in the garage and basement closets. 

My new home is smaller but I was and still am happy to own it.  It has it's own beautiful bones, but I have not yet fully helped it be as beautiful as it could be.  Fortunately for us, it has had good owners who have kept the main foundation of this space sound sound and quality.

Our son was back in Kansas City the other day and promised to drive by.  I asked him to take pictures which he did.




 When he texted me and I saw that the new owner had our former home decked out for Christmas in festive lights looking quite glorious, a tinge of pain tiptoed through my soul.  Why is that I constantly think I have never taken care of anything quite good enough? Whether it be my beloved home, my children, my husband, my career, or myself?  Perhaps that is something to explore?

In the meantime, I am thankful for new beginnings, for family, for this wonderful home I am able to caretaker of, and of second chances.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. 

'Tis The Season To Be Jolly

Really?  Well, I'm not. Jolly, that is. 




I've been trying very hard to adjust to our new 'circumstances'.  Meaning not a lot of money.  Now, before you start judging let me just confess...To have, and then not have, is probably more difficult than to never have had at all.  I read that somewhere and I totally agree.




I think I wrote in an earlier blog that I think I could have been a queen in a former life; if there were former lives.  I love beauty, I love celebrations and I love all things shiny. 



Times are hard.  Do we not all agree?  And yes, I am spiritual, but yes, I am very material.  Material is a part of everyone's life whether we'd like to admit it or not.  I, as Madonna so melodically put it, am a material girl.  But also as David Bowie so rock out put it...ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.  Things are changing. 




Times are hard and people don't have what they used to. At least a significant portion of the middle class who thought they were sailing.  I also confess though, as to not making the best financial decisions.  I'm not going to defend myself and talk about that if it were a different time and a differnt place, especially a different time, things would have been okay for all my decisions.  Se la vie~~~!



Christmas is my favorite holiday.  I think my parents, especially my mother, just ingrained that into me.  Our family Christmases were the best memories I had as a child.  Unfortunately you can't reproduce your fond memories. 




I loved going to my grandparents house on Christmas.  And then, when we were grown and had families of our own, we all gathered at my parents home and exchanged gifts.  It was almot a gift orgy.  But it was fun.  We would always discuss religion, politics and relationships, not to mention the "do I look fat" comments between multiple layers of amazing food. Usually someone was offended or cried, still, we left hugging and telling each other we loved them.  Ahhhh...the good ole' days.  I miss my parents at this time of year the most.  I have this odd feeling though that they are with me; trying to communicate but are frustrated at our lack of abilty to perceive the spiritual. 

At this time of year I also think of loves gone by.  You know, a younger me that was filled with promises for the future and the idea that I would never die.  That is until my boyfriend of two years died in a jeep a few months before Christmas. 



Yes, it's inevitable that we think of loved ones at this time of year. The midnight masses on Christmas eve, the wonderful, promising gifts of more life to come.  Yep, in this 60th year of my life, it seems those times are a dream away.

Still, I ramble.  We, meaning my husband and I, are going through hard times. 



Not too bad, but still.  I am used to doing what I want to do, spending what I want to spend and there you have it.  I love Zumba. \

 At our gym there was this Christmas Zumbathon to raise money for the YMCA (where I work) so that the Y can give to the less fortunate. Ha!  Lo and behold, I wasn't able to go because it wasn't in our 'budget'.  I LOVE zumba.  I could dance the night away.  Still, I wasn't able to contribute so I wasn't going to be able to attend.  While working out that day my boss asked me if I was going to be there.  I told her it really wasn't in my budget and that was okay that I  couldn't go. (She knows how I love Zumba)  She told me, "You cant' not go. Help me with registration and be there."  I was so grateful to her for making a way and I had the time of my life on a Friday, dancing the night away with some amazing, zumbalicious, women. I am so grateful to my boss for making a way.  How cool is that???


Christmas is about love, connection and being with family, friends and loved ones.  Yet it's also about beauty and love.  I am a fan of beauty and love.  What is more beautiful than a huge, and let me reinterate HUGE God, sending the only son as a human to feel what we feel, to love what we love, and to care how we care, as a gift to humankind??? Really?  Oh Holy Night is all I can say. 

Peace to you all, and to all a good night.

Sad Dogs

I have been living in this house now for almost 10 months. And most of those 10 months I've heard a little dog crying from the back yard.  We have these sort of block walls that are covered in stucco so we don't really see our neighbor's yards.  I liked the privacy and that's one of the reasons why we bought this house.  But we have heard this pathetic cry for most of the 10 months we've been here. The heat has been up to 117 degrees and now it's pretty cool for Phoenix weather.  It's now almost 1 a.m. and I hear this sad dog. 

I've been told that to file a complaint is huge.  A lot of paper work and then it's not certain what will happen. A far cry from Overland Park, KS where I lived for almost twenty years.  All a person has to do is punch in a phone number and vwalla...you have an officer knocking at your door telling you your dog is a nusciance.  It's very frustrating. I've even called to the dog.  Now I'm at the verge of going over there and taking the dog for my own. GEEEEEEEEEEEESH!

Animal neglect has gone on for so long it's so discouraging to me.  I have been looked on for not taking aim at people who neglect children; which I think is also horrendous.  But there are so many child advocates, and in my opinion, so few animal advocates. The abuse animals go through should be known.







I know these pictures are difficult to view.  Yet these are true and these images are just a smattering of what really goes on.

Yet there are some who actually care, obviously not my neighbors.  Now, the dog that is crying is not physically as neglected as these animals.  But still, even the most simple dog has been proved to be as intelligent as a two year old human. The emotional needs of dogs and other animals have been highly neglected.  Thus, my dilema with my damn neighbors.  I do want to go take this dog away from his lonliness.



Sometimes things seem overwhelmingly sad.

It's a Matter of Perspective Really

I've been posting on facebook one thing I'm grateful for each day all during this month.  Because today is November 23rd, today was my 23rd day of spending a brief time reflecting on blessings in my life.   I do think the practice of being grateful each day for at least one thing has been enlightening. 



 Yet things have been pretty darn tight in our household.  Trials and tribulations ultimately increase my faith.  However, sometimes there are thoughts that pass through my mind that say to me things like, "Okay, okay...blah blah blah about trials and faith.  Don't you think it's about time you set the sail on autopilot and enjoy a smooth, labor free ride?  At least you deserve more time in between these "trials".  And here's a thought that keeps me awake, " Don't you think your faith has matured now and you have enough already!?"


Those are the thoughts that can cause me to believe things are dark, the fight is long, and I'm pretty damn tired of trying to make things work.


When I spend time on actually making a mental note of how fortunate I am despite  obstacles, it causes thoughts like the above to shrug and move on to the next person who will entertain them. 

(falcondns.com)

I look out of my bedroom window each morning and see red tile roofs and a beautiful mountain.  I love the way the light moves over the mountains and the clouds create patterns on the raised earth.  When I see this, most of the time, it puts things in perspective for me and I realize it's a new day, new hope, new opportunity, new mercy from my God.  That is something I'm grateful for, that God's mercies are indeed, new each morning. 


Sooo, today I am grateful for my life, my family.  I am grateful that last night my beautiful grandson woke up while we were visitiing our daughter, he walked in as if  he was sleep walking and went right to daddy.  But, when I called him to me, he came without hesitation and I held him like I did when he was a tiny baby.  (He's almost  4 now.)

  I told him I'd take him back to bed, and he  followed.  I lay beside him and snuggled, stroking his hair until he fell asleep.  How great is that?  Yep, times are rough, people are out of work, and it sort of reminds me a little of what the depression must have been like, but I'm sitll grateful for all my blessings.

Have a great Thanksgiving and be grateful! 

Confessions of a True Shopoholic

We have been financially strapped for a few days. 



A lot of bills have  been due lately; you know, the house payment, the water bill...that time of month.  And I'm not talking PMS.  However, we just turned the corner and our bank account is okay.  I went grocery shopping tonight and that's when I realized I'm a true shopoholic. 


Seriously, I am!  I'm walking through Frye's (our local grocery store) and realize that I have this sort of euphoria just being there, walking down the isles.  My mind was like, "let's see, what's in this isle that I need, that could actually make me happy, that would make me feel...uh...well...........  yeah, okay, whole again??? Yep, that's what I was thinking.  I was happy walking down the light filled isles, where there are myriads of choices...make up, pain killers, drinks, food, gum, cleaners, anything you can imagine..even furniture....wow....  

Before you get all judgemental on me I do believe we all have our ways to self medicate. Even you. It could be religion, or doing good, or drinking, or druges or working. It's true.  If you are honest, you'll agree with me. If not, you're in denial.  It's called 'the human condition'.  A pastor I was listening to on the internet put it perfectly, "humans are messy".  I know I am. 





Walking down the isle of  the grocery store I realized what I've always known deep down. I'm addicted to shopping. It gives me a bit of happiness, security, freedom, and feeling of wholeness just to know that I can get what I want, or need or whatever.  It's an amazing, warm, cuddly feeling.



In actuality, I can't get what I want, but I know for sure I can get what I need.  I am truly grateful for that and always will be.  But I did want to share this vulnerable part me. The part that likes the shiney things on the shelves that seem to be calling my name; telling me that I will be so much happier if I could just buy this particular thing. 

And when I do buy, the high lasts for a few good hours and then is gone.  I still am happy with the item..but..well...the high is gone and the reality is that humans are messy and they will do anything to try and clean up the mess...But it will always be there.

Yet, there is something that lasts.  It may not be a high, it may not be  a temporary fix, or self medication. It's beyond our little minds, or our lonely hearts...but it's there.  Just keep looking and don't get lost in the isles of life.

True Christianity?????

I've been thinking a lot about God, Jesus, heaven, life, death and what really matters in life. 






As always, I read the bible.  Usually I wake up, drink coffee in bed, and meditate, read and pray.  Today I was reading in Matthew about the kingdom of heaven and about when 'the son of man comes'. It talks about how the king will separate some and how he will say to those "when I was hungry, you gave me food, thirsty you gave me drink, a stranger you took me in."  I won't go on with the quote, but this denotes acceptance and love to me, love and compassion no matter what.  It seems sort of like a test of our hearts.  It doesn't say "I wasn't a drug addict so you could take me in", or "I wasn't a politician, so you gave me drink".....It sort of talks about needs and how the ones the king approved of, filled those needs through regular human beings.  I was thinking about how one of the greatest of human needs in our western society is to be appreciated...other than the basic needs of food and drink etc.





How many times have I told  people how much I appreciate them just for being themselves?  Or for doing what they do, or saying what they say?  You get the picture? 






According to Maslow's hierarchy of human needs there  are emotional needs :

Love and belonging

After physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the third layer of human needs are social and involve feelings of belongingness. The need is especially strong in childhood and can over-ride the need for safety as witnessed in children who cling to abusive parents. Deficiencies with respect to this aspect of Maslow's hierarchy - due to hospitalism, neglect, shunning, ostracism etc. - can impact individual's ability to form and maintain emotionally significant relationships in general, such as:

• Friendship
• Intimacy
• Family

Humans need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance, whether it comes from a large social group, such as clubs, office culture, religious groups, professional organizations, sports teams, gangs, or small social connections (family members, intimate partners, mentors, close colleagues, confidants). They need to love and be loved (sexually and non-sexually) by others. In the absence of these elements, many people become susceptible to loneliness, social anxiety, and clinical depression. This need for belonging can often overcome the physiological and security needs, depending on the strength of the peer pressure; an anorexic, for example, may ignore the need to eat and the security of health for a feeling of control and belonging (from wikipedia.org. 







I for one, want to do the 'right' thing because I think Jesus was right when he told us to do unto others what we would have others do unto us.  Based on these emotional needs it sort of makes me think, it sort of makes me want to be aware of how I truly treat others and myself. 

  Jesus and his message of love  causes me to rethink the way I treat others and myself.  Growing up the daughter of a Jew and a Catholic, I don't want to be a part of any group.  At least now I don't.  But if I'm  honest, which I try to be, in the beginning, when I was younger, I really did want to be a part of some sort of group where I felt loved and accepted.  Both of the religions that I was exposed to had the potential of causing  me to feel, at a young age, not good enough, or not a part of their systems of belief.  As a Catholic, I never felt fully convinced that I was doing what they expected of me.  Especially when everything I desired was against their idea of a good, moral person. Mainly  my desire was boys....I was a young teen, a pretty girl, and the boys loved me.  That didn't go over well with the nuns, to put it mildly.





Later, I wanted to identify myself  with the Jewish side of my heritage, and of course because my mother wasn't Jewish I couldn't be recognized as a Jew according to Jewish law.






At a very formiable age I heard about this radical named Jesus who made friends with the 'sinners', the misfits, the whores, the thieves etc.  I liked this guy and his radicalness so I decided to read up on him. Sure enough, I was able to be part of his following, I was, according to what I read, accepted, just as I was, didn't have to DO anything. What  a concept! What a great feeling to be accepted just as I was.




I guess I had been messing up my life  enough to know that I needed some sort of place to fill my basic needs.  I found that in following Jesus and actually listening to what was said about him and how he felt about me helped me realize that maybe my idealism wasn't so unreachable.That was almost 40 years ago, and I still follow Him...






I still know that what he taught was true.  Even so, he didn't have a lot of good things to say about religion and he sure the heck wasn't the picture of western christianity.  He was sort of a mystic rebel who called himself the son of God and wanted people to follow him.  An old athiest aquaintence of mine said he thought Jesus was a negative narcissist.  Jesus, in his true self, can be percieved in many ways; as a crazy sort of guy, a square peg in a round hole. But I like him, and the more I feel I know him, I can say the more I LOVE him and what he stood for.  Although I may never really understand all that was written about what he said.

I can't say that the way I follow the teachings of Jesus are worthy of any sort of greatness,  and I certainly don't understand a lot of what he said, but I do believe he is alive and well, and just beyond what we as humans can see with our eyes.







 I believe that what I read today in the book of Matthew sums it up pretty well where Jesus talks about how we treat others:

"In as much as you did it to one of the least of these, you did it to me." 






So, there ya have it...I hope you have a great day if you're reading this.....love to you from me.

Thoughts On My Last Night of the 50's

So, since this is the last night of my '50's (Thank you Phil for making me aware of that fact.) I decided to do a new font.  It's really not that different is it?  Sort of like this birthday, it's just like all the rest, not so different. Although I really am crossing a threshold in the number sense.  I still feel 35. Yes, that's right, 35....only a year older than my first born.  Yet it's true. 

I remember years ago reading a story in "Reader's Digest" about a woman who was older, probably 60ish, and she said she felt 30 but saw this strange, older woman looking back at her in the mirror.  Well, although I don't look 'older', I get it.  Fortunately, for the most part, I like the person in the mirror.  I am blessed.  This is what 60 looks like for me.



People always say that "it's just a number".  I disagree, especially when it is about age.  It's about being on this planet for a certain number of years, and all the experiences life entails. It's about the good, the bad and the ugly.  It's about all the people you have loved and who have loved you.  It's about attachment and detachment.  It's about beauty and it's about ugliness, but it's about love, and mostly love of people and oneself.



I'm thinking now of the people who I wish were here to help me celebrate my years. For totally substantial reasons, they can't make it.  Still, I wish they were with me.  It's those people who have been with me the longest.  








I decided to make my birthday celebration what I most would like it to be.   I have chosen to go out and dance.  I've met so many great new people here in my new home in the Sonoran Desesrt,  and those that I value the most will be there.  How very cool is that?  They have carved out time in their lives to be with me.  I can't tell you how honored and happy I am for each woman who is coming out to just say hello....or to have a dance. I'm lucky...blessed, etc.






I used to have a school in Kansas City where I taught the best of the best.  One of the students sang this to me at the end of the year Awards Ceremonies.  It still brings tears to my eyes when I think of him singing this to me.
The lyrics to the song "Good Riddance" by Green Day, come to my mind and are so appropriate at how I feel now. 

"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life. "

Little did each student know that they gave me so much more than I ever gave them. And that's just the tip of the iceburg. 




I've had so many great memories in my life, friends, some stayed, some, we've parted ways.  But all in all, the best for me have stayed and still hear me out, love me, and share their lives with me,....that would be Michael Ann, 










Debbie,




Sherry, 







and Carol. 








I must say Mickey Ann is the one I call at three in the morning when I'm doubling over in any kind of pain. Thanks for that Mickey....

I do wish you could come out and dance with me on Friday. Yet each woman has helped mold me to the person that  I am today.

  One thing I know for sure, life is all about relationships.  It's all about love...loving and being loved. 
In the movie "Ghost" there was this line at the end of the movie where he was going back to heaven and he said something like this, "all the love you have here, you take it with you."  I totally believe that. 

Goodbye Callie

I've had Callie for close to 18 years.





 My daughter brought her home after I lost my favorite cat, Emma, to a car accident. She was a sweet little calico, thus the name Callie.  She was a normal little kitten until she became sick, had a fevor and I really don't know what happened, but her personality changed.  Sort of like a child born normal, and then at about two years old is diagnosed with autisim.  Callie was declawed, something I do not recommend.  But she was.  After her illness she didn't like to be touched a lot.  She was a good pet though.  She didn't require a lot, and we all loved her very much.

When we moved to Arizona about six months ago we gave her a sedative from the vet so that she could survive the 18 hour drive with two dogs and two humans and lots and lots of 'stuff' stuffed into a car.  Funny thing, the drugs caused her to purr like crazy and they actually changed her personality. She loved Arizona.  When the temperature rose to triple digits, she always stayed in the house and slept on top of our huge, oak dining table, or she'd fall asleep on the cool tile behind the curtains.


About a month ago I noticed that she would shed like crazy...just being around her you would get  hair on your clothes without even touching her. Plus, her coat was blotchy and seemed dry and not the normal shiney coat.  I don't know, maybe she was in pain, I just don't know.  She would always be very vocal about her needs. I would know if she was thirsty or hungry. That's all she 'spoke' of.  She wasn't demanding except for her basic needs.

Yesterday was cooler.  I went out back to water some flower and do a little yard work.  I remember she came out with me.  And that was it...that was the last I remember seeing her. We have a 'cat' door, so she could get in if she wanted to....she was always an indoor cat.

I know, deep inside of me, that I won't see her again.  I checked the park across the street, I checked all over our yard, and of course, her favorite indoor places.  She is not to be found...nor is her body. I didn't want it to end this way.  I wanted her to die peacefully in her own little home...her own space.  What the hell happened??? It hurts not to know. I knew the end was near, but honestly, I wouldn't have been surpised if she lasted another two years.  But nope, she's gone.



I have always had a cat.  I don't give a damn about what people think, the smell etc.  (although I keep a very clean house.) Yet to get another cat, at my age, I'm just not so sure.  I lost my dog Murray, and that was painful as hell...my little Lexy is getting old and that is difficult.  I'm tired of getting attached and then that old death knocks at the door, like a frost after a beautiful summer day.  It doesn't get easier. 

Anyway, this is for you little CalCan.  You were a great addition to our family.  Rest in peace sweet baby. I miss your voice already. :-(