There was a time in my life, which wasn't so very long ago, where I realized I didn't even know myself, let alone love myself. How can you love someone you don't know? I found a fantastic counselor and thus began my long journey to find out if I liked me. First, I asked myself what really makes me happy? I had to dig deep to see if I was actually telling the truth too. At times I would just sort of do things because I felt that's the way life is "supposed" to be, that's what I'm "supposed" to want, and this is the way I am "supposed" to live. The list goes on.
But one day, I realized it wasn't working. I still disliked people, (I would always go for prayer at church so God would give me the ability to love people. They annoyed me constantly!) I found out that all the stuff that I "thought" was supposed to make me happy really didn't, and I began believing that I could never be the person I really wanted to be.
I would look at beautiful women and think to myself that I was "once" like that, but I'm older, and it's okay, I will never be thin and beautiful again. I would reason that I had other qualities that were just as attractive. And I sort of did, but I always fought the idea of my desire to be beautiful because I felt it was very vain, and not very virtuous. So I gained weight, a lot of weight. The downhill slide was going faster as the years went by and I was getting increasingly unhappier.
Fortunately my life blew up in my face. When it happened though, you wouldn't have been able to convince me that anything would turn out okay, let alone good. It was one of the most painful things I've ever been through. The good news is that when I'm upset, really upset, like "feeling threatened" upset, I can't, for the life of me, eat. Needless to say, I lost a lot of weight and began to enjoy my tiny new body even though my world was still pretty screwed up.
I read so many self help books that I probably could have written my own. And they all helped, they helped tremendously. I started with a book by John Eldredge called "Sacred Romance". My journey began and as I read, the light started to shine on my soul; I would learn a little more about myself every time I read.
The more I searched for peace, the more of myself I found.
Some parts were very difficult to accept; but I knew I needed to accept even those parts of me, just as I was. I had to learn to be my own best friend. My amazing counselor gave me a great idea; she told me to console myself when I felt down, alone and trapped in pain. To talk to myself, or talk to the woman, young girl, or little girl that is hurting inside.
That was an awkward idea for me to put my mind around. Wise as she is, suggested that I talk to my hurting self the way I would one of my students, or my own children or grandchildren. So I did....guess what???? Yep, you guessed it! it worked.
Sometimes I would get gobsmacked by an emotional uproar my husband and I would have and it was difficult to do, difficult to get in the role. But I did, and I found out that I was, indeed, my own best friend.
Another thing that really helped me was trying to see myself as others saw me when I was most insecure: a young girl. It was interesting how it began. Of course I would go over pictures of myself and see this young, vivacious, sassy girl and realize that she wasn't really that happy with herself. She couldn't get outside of her own skin to even imagine how strong and beautiful she really was.
Funny thing though, things have a way of happening just when you need them to happen. A friend I had when I was twelve or thirteen found me via the internet.
We started to connect again and began to reminisce. She wrote once, in an email that I was the coolest friend she ever had and didn't know why she didn't let me know at the time. But she always remembered me like that; "one of the coolest". I actually was surprised at first that she had that opinion of me. I began realizing who I really was. I started to see the sassiness I had and I liked it!
My family noticed this new "self interest" and frankly, didn't get it. We'd be having a conversation and I'd say something about me, or contribute to the subject with my feelings. Many times I would hear, "It's not about you". Of course I wasn't so good at letting myself be heard and I made many mistakes. The mistakes I made affected my family as they noticed my changes, but in the end, their patience and love for me helped me figure things out
It's been twelve years since I first began the quest to find out who I really am. It's been a good journey filled with all sorts of twists and turns. It hasn't turned out how I thought it would when I would pray for my emotional wounds to be healed. It's turned out much better. I never thought I'd be saying that.
I did a fantastic zumbathon today and saw a friend I haven't seen for while. She is probably one of the most genuine, beautiful women I have ever known.
She's the type of friend that I can cut the small talk with, and get to the heart of the matter in a short amount of time. She has started this journey of knowing herself, loving herself and being her own best friend early; she's only in her mid thirties. How fortunate is that??? I can tell she's totally on her way to what Carl Jung called "self actualization.
My advice to young women is never give up seeking truth; about the world, others, and themselves. And when you find out who you are, the good the bad, the beautiful and the ugly......love yourself anyway, accept yourself just as you are. That's what God does...God loves us just as we are and never, ever rejects any of our efforts to love and know him.
I don't feel the need for prayer that I can love people anymore. Now when I look at people, I see a reflection of myself. Whether it's something not so easy to see, or whether it's a beautiful image of who I reall am; I have more compassion on others, on myself. So,with God's grace, we all will have a happy, peaceful ending to our story.
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