At least it seems as though I do. It seems as though I'm back at square one.
But I know I'm not really. It just feels that way. Life has a way of letting things meet up with you that take you by surprise. I have been enjoying so much outside of myself: my house, shopping etc. Those joys are fading fast and I'm realizing, once again, that life is about one thing; relationships, loving and accepting, and of course being loved. For no apparent reason I have been feeling a sense of dread. You know that feeling when you just know things are not right, or that something dispiriting will happen? I personally think it's anxiety. It's not a cordial feeling, not a healthy feeling, but if I try, I can maybe, just maybe, find some use in it.
Maybe, just maybe this feeling will cause me to go back to the roots in my heart and I will intentionally question the things that trigger the foreboding.
I really think it's a drag to have to take my focus away from such pleasant things as a remodel, parties, and my wonderful life, and have to do some inner work of the soul.
Questioning myself and asking myself why I feel the way I do when gloomy feelings arise and scare the you know what out of me, is like lancing an infection in my skin...very painful.
But when it's cleaned out, there is healing, and my energy returns. I always talk about being tenacious, and I view myself as strong and confident, but in the secret places of my being, there is that ole' antagonistic part of me that peers it's grey little head out from a hiding place in my soul and laughs, mocks and jeers at me. Sometimes it charges out instantly and totally freaks me ..other times, like lately, it ever so slowly creeps out, tiny step, by tiny step. The aberrant element about this Antagonist is that the closer she gets to the exterior of my life, of my heart, the more prodigious she gets. And she brings with her a hovering grey cloud that sort of nests all around me, and sometimes even seeping into the depths of my soul.Her voice lulls me into a weary defeat when I haven't even fought.
The good news is, I know who I am.
Other factors may test that confidence, but they fail. There may be hidden shadows of myself that come up after being held down for a long time, but they are just that, shadows. When the light of truth about me shines on those shadows, they disappear. That's why I am back at this starting place.
(dedicated to Sherry who always has comdedic relief to my drama)
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