Letter to the dead

Summer is here in Phoenix.  The doors are shut and the air is on. Thankfully, this year, we have two wonderful french doors, side by side, for the light to shine through while the house is closed up.  It's Memorial Day and I've been layin' low, just doing nothing really.

Memorial Day, no, I don't really think of the men and women who have served our country...wait...I mean yes, I do, but all my little life I have really thought of Memorial Day as the day we remember the dead.  And because of that, I'm writing this...

I want to remember Dave...so, I'll write this letter to him...Here ya go Dave...

My Dear Young, Eighteen Year Old Boyfriend,

Wow...It's been so long, but I am remembering today.  I remember our relationship.  I think it was a good two years that we were together.  I was young, but it was a very formidable  time of my life;our
relationship had been going south for quite some time.  Arguments, etc etc etc...I won't get into that.  But it was then and the arguments were real.  The arguments!  So, my little 17 year old self decided that I would be the "woman",  that I would be independent.  I called it quits with you.  The next night you called me...as you usually would when there were problems between us, and my sister answered.  I told her to tell you that I never wanted to see you again.  And that was that.  I actually felt very good for standing up for myself and my feelings.  But the next night you were killed in a silly accident.  Your friend (whom I never liked) was driving...he took the turn too fast.  You were in his jeep, and at that time, there were no seat belt laws.  He took it too fast and you both were thrown from the vehicle.   Supposedly you both died instantly of head wounds.  I had a friend who was at the scene. He said he saw you both, laying there.  He said that your hands were moving...but the authorities said you were both dead.

I was with my friend Sue that night. We had gone out "driving around" as there was nothing else to do. We drove by the accident site just after it happened.  I remember commenting on it..something like "look, something is happening over there.  Must be an accident."  It was God's grace that I didn't stop and get closer to see.  I have no idea what seeing you lying there all bloody would have done to my young self.

When I got home that night my mother was waiting for me.  As I walked in, she looked desperate, but relieved.  "Oh Peggy", she cried, "something horrible has happened."  And I screamed at the top of my lungs, "If Dave is dead, God can go to hell.".  And thus began a change in my life that would never stop.
I won't dwell on that. What I will write about is that I remember you.  You have been gone since 1969, and I remember you.  I remember the good times as well as the bad.  I remember riding on you 650 BSA on the back; wind blowing in my hair, you driving.  Life was young and good.  I remember the two proms.  You didn't like to dance, I did..but I didn't care.  I really wanted to be with you. You were really my prince charming.  You bought me wonderful things.  I still have the gold bracelet....over forty years later, I still wear it.  I remember you Dave, your young, serious face, your curly brown hair, your wide, deep blue eyes that spoke volumes.  I loved you with the love of a seventeen year old girl who wanted to spend the rest of her life you.

You will always be the young love of my life.  I'm married now, with grown children and grandchildren, but your life, your death had an impact on me that I won't deny anymore.  When my husband married me, he said he felt like he was marrying a widow. Maybe.  We spoke of marriage, but things got rough didn't they.

Anyway, I miss you and will always wonder.  Whenever I dream about you, it's that you're not dead.  It's in a situation that you haven't really died, but you're not with me.  You're alive, but not with me. And in my dreams, I want you...still. Mysteries are part of our imperfect life aren't they?

A few years ago I felt like you were trying to talk to me, trying to say something. And the only way I can sum that up is that you were trying to say ," I'm sorry".   If that is what you were trying to say, well...I forgive you.  I want to say "sorry" too.  I don't understand why you had to die so young..maybe some day.

In the meantime, I hear you in songs.  That is the language I understand, and that is the language you speak.  In my opinion anyway.

I have a great husband Dave.  I mean, we've been together 38 years.  I don't know if that would have been us...but in any case, I think you know.  He's the type of guy who loves me so much, he accepts me exactly the way I am. Baggage and all. Oh, and no, he's no saint.  I have accepted him, no holes barred.  I'm a good wife.  But you will always be under my skin, in my soul. 

Because music is my language, this one's for you David Saxon.....

"Baby Blue"

Confess, your kiss still knocks me off my legs. 
The first time I saw you was like a punch right through my chest 
and I will forever, 'cause you'll forever be 
my one true broken heart, pieces inside of me and you'll forever, my baby be. 

You will rest your head, your strength once saving. 
And when you wake you will fly away, 
holding tight to the legs of all your angels. 
Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes, 
your blue, blue world, you're my baby blue. 

Confess I'm not quite ready to be left. 
Still, I know I gave my level best. 
You give, you give, to this I can attest 
You made me, you made me. 
You and me forever, baby. 

You will rest your head, your strength once saving. 
And when you wake you will fly away, 
holding tight to the legs of all your angels. 
Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes, 
in your blue, blue world, you and me forever. 

You will rest your head, your strength once saving. 
And when you wake you will fly away, 
holding tight to the legs of all your angels. 
Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes, 
in your blue, blue world, you and me forever.

Bye bye Dave....Maybe it's not really bye bye...but maybe I should just say, "until next time".  

xoxoxo