Illusions Or Not

I was leaving church today after a very fun and interesting group that talked about the previous sermon. But that has nothing to do with why I'm writing.  As I was leaving, walking through the main lobby, I saw a man, he looked like my father. I'm not talking about the, "Oh wow, that looks like my dad.  How nice."  But the thing where you wonder...wonder.  The same grey hair, but just this weird feeling of "dad"...I saw my dad.  I know...we don't believe that stuff do we?  Or at the least we're skeptical.  I always have related to Thomas, the doubter...and I still do. As much as I 'believe', sometimes I wonder about everything. And then something smacks me..totally smacks me when I'm not prepared and ...wham....I'm at the very least, a believer.



So my father was not actually the most intimate man. He didn't really know how to express his feelings well and actually ran from them. I think they seemed too big for him to control so he just ran...left....and ...well...had  a drink.  I saw him five days before he died.  He said some things to me that I will never forget; some things that were timely, some things that made me know he loved me.  I mean I knew he did...and he even respected me....but he was not so great sometimes at being there when I needed him the most.  I think he's really, really sorry for not being there.  I think now, he sees the big picture. That I desperately needed him.  



Even now, that he has been dead for a long time, I want to reach out to him, knowing that he's sorry. But because he never really was that open with his feelings, I don't know how to express my need for him..my love for him...my sort of, dependence on him .  It's sad, but it's also like another chance.  I had this weird dream the other night.  I honestly don't remember the details..but the thing that stands out like a champion athlete that stands out from their peers..is that I said, "I wish I had the chance to do it over."  This was all inferring to relationships...my relationships.

I think my dad is with me.  I think he is trying to talk to me, to be close to me.  I really do.



 Crazy as it seems. And yes, the skeptics ( it would be me if I weren't the one writing and experiencing this story) might have all the theories of scientific reasoning of why I still hold on and want to have closure yada yada yada...but this is MY story. It feels real. And when you're IN the story, when you're living the story it is real.



I love you dad.  I really do.

Play Music

"Oh"

The world is blowing up 
The world is caving in 
The world has lost her way again 
But you are here with me 
But you are here with me 
Makes it ok 

I hear you still talk to me 
As if you're sitting in that dusty chair 
Makes the hours easier to bare 
I know despite the years alone 
I'll always listen to you sing your sweet song 
And if it's all the same to you 

I love you oh so well 
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow 
I love you oh so well 
Enough to fill up heaven overflow and fill hell 
Love you oh so well 

And it's cold and darkness falls 
It's as if you're in the next room so alive 
I could swear I hear you singing to me 

I love you oh so well 
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow 
I love you oh so well 
Enough to fill up heaven overflow and fill hell 
Love you oh so well 

The world is blowing up 
The world is caving in 
The world has lost her way again 
But you are here with me 
But you are here with me 
Makes it ok 
Oh girl you are singing to me still 
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow 
I love you oh so well 
Enough to fill up heaven overflow and fill hell 
Love you oh so well