As always, it brings me to death. That's where all living things wind up, in the hands of death. I have no idea where it will take my Lexy, where it will take me. The most unbearable part is the question do we, does she, just not exist anymore? It kills me to think about her breathing her last breath and going to......going to...nowhere
I've chosen to believe in heaven, and from the pain there is on earth, it would be difficult not to believe in hell. But there is always that doubt. There are some who say they are sure they will go to heaven, that there is an afterlife. Maybe. Still, I have my doubts. Not so many years ago I was one of those people who claimed to be sure. I'm not though, not now, and I probably really wasn't sure then.
Lexy came to me about 15 years ago, almost 16. She was abandoned with her brother at the church I used to go to. Her brother was black, she was white. She had been abused and neglected, it was obvious. One of my students took her home as I already had two dogs. But not too long later his mother angrily brought her back. She said Lexy had ripped through her bathroom window, (trying to get out.) where she stayed eight hours a day. Dear God! I'd rip through a bathroom window as well. My husband said that if I brought another dog home, it was either him or the dog I chose the dog. He stayed anyway.
When I took Lexy in to be spayed, the vet called me and told me he opened her up and there were puppies. Basically she had an abortion. I KNOW she grieved over those puppies!! Lexy suffered severe anxiety and depression. She was on doggy depressants for about a year or so and they helped. When she realized we were not going to abandon her, she started to mellow.
She would run like a gazelle and jump four foot fences like she was superwoman. My husband and I would take her to fields and watch her run back and forth from him to me. I could see the smile on her face. She loved that! She did terrorize the neighbors though. They probably deserved it!
When I was going through the most difficult time of my life, she wouldn't leave my side. And when I would cry, she would land her sloppy kisses all over my face and wouldn't give up until I laughed.
Today I got home from work and saw vomit on the floor. It was hers. She didn't keep her breakfast down. When I gave her a bowl of her favorite food, she turned her nose up at it and refused to take it from me.
Now, she is lying here, head on my lap, just lying here. I like it that way. When her time comes, I really hope she will go in her sleep. We had a dog who I prayed and prayed that he would be pain free and his death would be tolerable. But it wasn't. It was hell, He went through hell right up to the last minute. I pray that Lexy has an easy death but honestly, that last experience is enough to get a little pissed at God. Just a little; not a lot. I guess a better word would be disappointed, very,very disappointed.
I would really like to think Lexy haz a few more years; good years. But I don't think so. Probably more like months, weeks, days, or even hours. It kills me to know this.
This will probably not be my last blog about my friend. However one of my most favorite authors ever, Anne Lamott, talks about death as if she read my mind:
"Death; wow. So f-ing hard to bear, when the few people you cannot live without die. You will never get over these losses, and are not supposed to. We Christians like to think death is a major change of address, but in any case, the person will live fully again in your heart, at some point, and make you smile at the MOST inappropriate times. But their absence will also be a lifelong nightmare of homesickness for you. All truth is a paradox. Grief, friends, time and tears will heal you. Tears will bathe and baptize and hydrate you and the ground on which you walk. The first thing God says to Moses is, "Take off your shoes." We are on holy ground. Hard to believe, but the truest thing I know."
I remember that feeling like it was yesterday with our Sunny xxx
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