Ramblings of a Former Queen....????

Another blog I have, spacesweetspace, is about...well...my space...and spaces.  I take lots of pics of my space and other people's spaces. I  comment on them and hope to inspire . Trouble is: Mother's Day at our church they were kind enough to set up great places to have pics taken with your own camera.  Lo and behold the young girl who was taking our picture dropped my camera and broke it....

I know...so sad for all involved.  I actually felt sorry for her. She was devasted; about as much as me.  I tried not to show it and don't think I did.  I actually told her that I got it at Costco and they are always great at returns...NOT>  In any case, no camera here, and thus, no pics for my blog.  I truly don't have the money to run out and by a new camera, so I was pretty bummed.



I have been in the desert now for about three months and loving my new envoirnment. 


Change, however, is another subject of which I will now try to articulate.  My in laws came for five weeks so I wasn't really able to get the feel of my new space until they left.  Now I am settling in and adjusting to a 1500 square foot home as opposed to a 3,000 square foot home. (However, that is NOT counting the casita.  Which is a great point.) I am, by nature, vain, and appreciative of the 'finer' things in life. As a matter of fact I truly think I was a queen in another life, my husband was the court jester, didn't make me laugh and I had his head cut off.  Now, for some karmic reason, I am married to him.  Don't get me wrong, I am totally in love with him, but still...a queen in a former life????? Go figure.  And, maybe???


I am also by faith, a Christian.  Nooooo, not the political sort, just the Jesus is God sort.  Because of this I have decided to get back to basics and actually think about the teachings of Jesus.  Gratitude for one.  I am also, by nature, a very grateful person.  I have worked with and been friends with people who, materialistically, don't have near what I have.  I consder that when I bump into things and stub my toe and cuss because my 3,000 square feet don't exisist anymore. 

Last night I decided to make the most of what I had and clean out the two bedrooms in our main house.  (The grandkids call it "the big house"...go figure;-)  I have two beautiful bedrooms just in the hall from our common areas. (Meaning the living/dining/kitchen area.) Since we have moved here they leave a lot to be desired.  As some know, I am into interior design, and these two rooms just were NOT a good example of any talent I claim to have.  Soooo, last night I decided to change that.  Today also was dedicated to using and beautifying that space.  Our front bedroom, when we moved in, had 'princess' blinds, meaning, that when the blinds were closed the full Disney princesses were painted on them...not my taste.   I removed them after seriously considering that I should make that room totally my grand daughter's room.  Now, the room is a quiet, peaceful space,  where there is a single bed with Shabby Chic (Rachel Ahwell) bedding.

I have totally decuttered my life and feel so much lighter.  My front bedroom (with the shabby chic bedding) is clutter free, as is the rest of my home, and the closet is organzed and tidy.  Not to mention, beautiful.

The back bedroom, which is my husband's office, is another story.  When we moved in, it had blinds with a child's theme as well. It was some sort of under water cartoon painted on them.  Whatever.  I cut them off today, redid the closet and put the printer and other office supplies in there, and it is, in my opinon, aesthetically more than pleasing.  I am going to get a futon to put in there because the front bedroom only has a single bed.  (The shabby chic genre.) If all goes well, we will be able to house at least 5 guests in our desert home. 

There is so much I want to do with this home that requires a lot of money I don't have.  In the meantime, I truly feel the need to appreciate the fact that I am in a climate I adore, (Although I'm bracing myself for the hot, hot, hot summer.) I am close to an ocean, and I am in walking distance to anything I would ever need, not to mention a pool, a park (Which is my front yard pretty much) and a neighborhood bar, where everybody knows your name.  Well, maybe that's stretching it a tad, but hey, maybe. 

I think the lesson I have here that MY God is bringing back to me is gratefulness.  It's powerful.  Especially with someone like me who is used to soooo many of life's riches.  I mean, after all...my nick name should be Queeny. 

It's late and I'm tired.  Thanks for reading so far.  Until next time, so it goes. (As Linda Ellerbee would say.)

Why I Named My Blog What It Is and How Grateful I Am

So, WTF is not exactly what I wanted this blog to be named.  Let me fill you in:....I used to have this anonymous blog on myspace where I felt very comfortable writing about most anything.  But as we all know myspace became pretty messed up.  At least in my opinion it did.  I have always loved to write.  Since I was in 7th grade at Catholic grade school, when boys were taboo and I loved them, I had an outlet in writing.  As soon as I realized that myspace blog would probably be a thing of the past, I decided to find another place where I could put my feelings and thoughts into words, hopefully anonymously.  The wtf was at a time when I was pretty down....my life, as I say, sort of threw up in my face and I had to rethink everything, yes, everything I believed in.  Thus the "wtf".....For some reason, although a bit crude for my value system, I kept the name. 



So, the wtf speaks volumes in a way.  It sort of says "what's going on???"  or, "I didnt' expect this to happen."  or even, "What the...............what am I supposed to do now???" 



There ya have it...the reason why I named my blog 'wtf'.  Now, with that aside, I'll go on.  I also have a blog called "spacesweetspace" which is entirely dedicated to fashion, which I love, and interior design.  Well..I havent' posted for a while because I moved from one state to another and it was quite a big move.  I finally got semi settled and guess what?  My trusty camera, which is what I used a whole lot for that blog, was dropped and broken....Yep....On Mother's Day I went to church, ready to have my pic taken with my lovely family.  The church was kind enough to set up different beautiful settings to have families pics taken with their own camera...free of charge of course.  I gave my camera to the girl and she dropped it on the cement...it was totally in slow motion as I watched the camera plummet to the ground and then stop.  She picked it up, of course, not realizing what the consquences were...I knew....it had happened before with my fuji camera and I returned to to faithful Costco and it was replaced. 



Naturally she felt so bad, and naturally so did I.  Everyone sort of minimized the whole thing except the poor girl who dropped it. I felt horrible for her.  Here she was, trying to do something nice for families and yet now, she destroyed a $150 or more camera.  She was devasted and I felt so bad for her.  I tried to make her feel better and told her I'd take it back to Costco because they were great at returns.  Then, when I went in for service, I felt like crying.  I don't have the money to actually replace it , and it made all sorts of finacial decisions over the course of my life come into to the surface and stare me in the face, laughing..yes, laughing at all the crappy decisions I'd made.  I just sat there. 



So, there ya have it.  However, this blog isn't over.  There are things much more important than 'material things'.  I know, I know.  Most people say that and it's just a nice, obvious, thing to say...but I mean it.  Lately I've been a bit down; no friends yet, no job yet, and feeling despartely insecure at finding a new job and making some extra income.  My sweet son in law called me this morning just to see 'how I was'...knowing that it's not too easy readjusting to a differnt environment.  I was skeptical when he called and wondered what  he really  wanted.  Well, what he really wanted was to see how I was.  I'm so thankful for a great son in law.  I'm also so grateful for my daughter, my son, my sisters...(Thanks for talking to me every day Debbie) and for all the things I actually do have. 



Well, it's pretty late and I have a job interview tomorrow...so with that I'll say good night, Take care of yourselves because there is someone who really loves you.

Dog Days

Do you ever have an experience in life and there just aren't enough words to describe how it has affected you?

 Well there ya have it. That's where I am.  I have been living in my new home for about two and a half months now and there has been so much going on inside of my own head.  I'm not a young thing anymore and that probably contributes to the complexity of it all. 





I quit my job almost a year ago to concentrate on moving, selling our home of twenty years, and of course, decluttering. The emotional ups and downs are too numerous to mention.  My husband travels quite a bit so although married, we indeed live two different types of lives.  He has his career with it's ups and downs and I have....well....that's a good question.  I really don't have anything going on anymore except the fact that I need a job and I need a sort of, purpose.  I WAS a teacher for years.  I absolutely loved it.  However my teacher's status was a bit limited.  And that's a whole 'nother blog.  But for now, I am looking for a job; a way to make some extra income, otherwise known as money.



On Thursday I have an interview for a postition as an after school art teacher. Quoting the company that is offering this position, it's a "very part time job".  Okay, good enough.  However, I'm in a sort of an unusual situation. For years I've wanted to do something with interior design, which is something I know I have talent for.  Yet, teaching and children is something I always seem to go back to. 

A long time ago, when I was young and began a search for self, I was in Boulder, Colorado.  I was truly having a life crisis and was just sitting by this amazing stream in a beautiuful park. It seemed to me an angel, in the form of a college student came up to me and began a conversation.  I don't really remember anything she said except for one thing. But before I tell you, let me tell you what I said to her.  I told her that I was trying to go beyond what I had been before.  I told her that my whole life had been turned upside down and it was sort of "freaking me out" and I wanted to go home. She told me that it was okay to go home, but to never "go back"...she said I couldn't ever go back.  WOW...she was right.  It was sort of a "God thing".  Soooo, if I went "back to" teaching..would that be going back????



How does that relate to where I am now?  Hmmm. I'm actually not so sure.  But I know that I wake up everday and wonder why I'm here.  I mean I know that my family loves and needs me and all that. Yet I want more.  I obviously want to make money, but I'm spoiled.  All of my life I have done what I've enjoyed, and I'm hoping to contintue. 

I still have that song on my mind, "The Dog Days Are Over" by the Florence and the Machine.  I love that!

In the meantime, if you've read this, thank you....I'll keep you updated.  Life is complex isn't it?  To those who don't think so, maybe they just aren't awake.  Not to be judgemental...maybe they're just luckier than me and life is simple and pleasant.  Geeez..that would be nice....

Take care and see you next time.

A Letter to Mom on Mother's Day 2011

Dear Mom,

It's been a while since we last spoke, but you're on my mind almost every day.  I miss you and wish you were here.  I want to thank you for teaching me to love.  You taught by example.  You listened to me no matter what I was saying. I remember when I decided to sort of run away with an old boyfriend.  You weren't happy, but you still were there, you didn't fault me.  Of course the night Dave died.  You felt my pain, I can still see you.  I was hysterical, but you didn't cry, although I know you wanted to.  You just held me, cared for me. 

I think the love you gave me is the closest thing to God's love in this faulty, imperfect world.

You would laugh with me, listen to me, and were always there when I needed help.  You were probably one of the most beautiful women I have ever known.  Your outside beauty was stunning, but your heart was even more beautiful.  You taught me to embrace my desire for beauty. 

I want to apologize for blaming you for so many issues I have.  Maybe that's just what happens though, know what I mean?  I'm sure my own kids will come, and have come face to face with their 'stuff' and thought of me and how I contributed.  Still, you gave me so much to help make it through this life.

I miss you mom...I really do.  You went away too early.  I think you wanted to spare your kids from what you went through with your own mother and grandmother.  Still, my heart aches for you sometimes.  I wear the earrings you gave me just to feel you near.  It sort of works. 

I wrote a whole 'nother letter and somehow lost it.  In any case, on this 2011 Mother's Day, I want to say I love you and thank you for you.  I'll see you again, in the meantime, I hope you still see me, I see you.

With much love,

Pegala

The Black Hair Saga...

It's 1 a.m. and I'm up, fretting over the horrible hair color I thought I'd save money buying.  Yes, a do it yourself hair color...HORRIBLE.  I don't know how it happened, but I've wound up with coal black hair that looks freaky.  Only because it's not attractive having a 50 something goth woman around. Goth just isn't for 50 something women. 



Okay, moving, having in laws here for way too long, and then running out of money that you thought you had is sort of caving in on me.  But the grand finale is the hair color.  I'm a vain person. Anyone who remotely knows me knows that.  I am not trying to judge myself, although it's very difficult not to, I will refrain.  In any case, I put a lot of emphasis on my looks.  I like beautiful things and looking in the mirror seeing a nice looking face peering back at me is a joy.  Not so much tonight.  I look in the mirror and see, well..I see an older woman with coal black, chalky black hair. 




I love my little sister Michael Ann.  I immediately called her because she is a stylist.  I panicked and let her know.  "Michael Ann...please (because it was really way too late to make a call.) I have a disaster.  She came to my aid, stepped up to the plate and told me to get my trusty Dawn dish detergent and wash my hair a few times.  And that I did. To no avail, I'm sorry to say.  It still is hair coated in a black, sort of, ink. 

Now I won't go into detail, but too many in laws and way too long had led me to too many glasses of wine, which of course leads to too many calories and well....you know the rest.  I feel fat as well as freaky.




  Is there a message here for me somewhere??? In any case, my dear sweet sister told me that I actually did have options, although pricey, and just put a ball cap on and go to the nearest Wella Salon.  She even helped me locate one in my area.  Thanks to my dear, wonderful, little sis...for sure, I owe you.

Still, it's after one and I'm drinking wine , which I said I was going to have a break from for at least a few days.  I'm tired, feeling extremely ugly, and not in the mood for much of anything.  I think that possibly the lesson here is one that I knew over 35 years ago; and that is, ego is not ever something real or genuine.  Ah, easier said than done.  I see two people in me; one is that of a person who wants so much to be spiritually astute and senstive to what really matters. The other 'person' I see in me is the vain, materialistic woman who values all that is said to be not so valuable...and possibly that is true..that ego and vanity is just not worth the time or effort.  In the mean time I'm here, with coal black hair, and a bit of a belly from too much wine to sedate my lack of tolerance for in laws I just don't understand.



And having said all that I think I'll say good night and I'll fill you in on how the hair saga goes tomorrow...Adieu

An Uneventful Monday Night

It's a beautiful Monday evening and totally uneventful.  Last night, the first day of May, was definately NOT uneventful.  I mean they even interupted "The Amazing Race" to broadcast the news.  By now we all know that Bin Laden is dead. 




It is a happy day for me anyway. 



There has been a lot of reaction that isn't necessarily what I expected.  For one, there are some out there that may think me a total reprobate because I actually rejoice over this 'mission accomplished.'    I don't get it. This is a so called man who accepted responsibility for the killing of 3,000 people, innocent people.


Some critics, to my understanding, give me the impression we are not to rejoice over his death.  .  .  Well I, for one, rejoice in his murder.  Call me a creep, call me someone who hasn't arrived yet, but that is that. 

Another surprise for me was that some of my Christian 'brothers and sisters' used this victory as another way to be a hater to Obama.  How sad is that?  Life can be very, very disappointing. 

I do want to thank all responsible for this significant victory.  The troops, the masterminds who discussed the details such as the Pakastani government and how to deal with them, former President Bush and our current President Obama.  My very wise and intelligent daughter reminded me today that this world is certainly not perfect and it isn't the way it was meant to be.  (Although I know that.)  Still, life needs to go on, justice needs to be served and it would be nice if humans recognize love, justice and unity.  Without unity any relationship, whether it be between two individuals or a whole country,  will fall. 

So, what else is there tonight?  My heart is happy and heavy at the same time. Happy for many things really...sort of rambling here..but happy that a major figurehead in terrorism is dead, happy that I live in this country, happy that I have a beautiful home, a healthy family, and really most everything anyone could ask for.






 



 My heart is heavy because of course evil isn't abolished totally, some of my personal relationships aren't going as planned and lastly, I feel fat...yeah that's right, I feel fat tonight.  (Gasp gasp!)




 But all in all I have so much to be grateful for...All of us do..Let's just meditate on those things...Love to all! See ya next time.