Tribute to Lexy

Dear Lexy,

I am so sorry I was not there to rescue you from the way you died. I'm just sorry. I don't know what else I can say.  I feel as though I failed you, but I know I really didn't.  You knew I loved you the best I could.  There are regrets. I wish I had taken you out more in the end. I was going to get a stroller so I could we could go on walks.   I wanted you to be able to sniff at the air and feel the sun.



This little letter is a tribute to you. You were one of a kind, that's for sure.  A survivor.  My heart hurt for you because of your severe abuse before I met you. But I won't get into that.  You finally felt safe with me and knew I wouldn't give up  or send you away, or punish you.  I remember when we put you and Murray in the basement and closed the door when we left. You both had run of the basement, which was large, and everything you needed from toys to food. But when we got home, you had managed to dig a hole in the door and get back up to where you could jump up on the bed.  You were a determined girl!!  ...all we could was scratch our heads in amazement and laugh.

Speaking of jumping...although the neighbors hated it, you were able to jump our four foot fence like a gazelle and then run like the wind. You were beautiful and graceful and a princess who later turned into the queen of the house.  When we took you to dog park, you could have cared less about the space or the other dogs.  You stayed by my side and jumped up and down like a yoyo.  It was pretty funny.


But the bond you made with me in my lowest, most difficult time was something that would make you a part of my soul forever. You kissed away my tears and became a part of my survival.  You were my angel and stayed by my side like an intensive care nurse.  I can't thank you enough for that.  When I would travel alone, I wasn't alone, you were there, in the back seat, sharing the experience.

Then a little over a year ago you quit going with Phil on the daily hikes. At first you stood by the gate and watched them leave. I could see the disappointment in your eyes.  One day you just quit standing and watching;  you accepted the fact you would probably never climb the hill again. I still took  you to dog park though.  Even if I had to carry you part of the way. You sat with me and watched Tasha and Milo play and explore. Sometimes you too would venture off to take in all the sights and smells.

I've had so many other dogs in my life, so many that I have loved, but I loved you deeper because of our bond. You would bark or do something strange and I was always able to interpret what you were trying to communicate.  Even Phil saw this.  So this is my good bye, this is my little tribute, this is to say I love you and miss you so.  I miss your love, your little white self, I miss your dark, black eyes that showed so much expression. I miss your smile.  You hadn't smiled for a long time. I hope you're running free now, smiling like you used to when you ran like a bullet between Phil and I in the field.

I will never get "over" your absence but only learn to live with it.  A friend of mine told me that my father was there when you crossed over. Dad knew more than anyone at that time how much I loved my pets.  And the weird thing is, after my friend texted me that, it wasn't too much later that Ian texted me that someone up there was watching because "The Cubbies just made the playoff series." Dad was crazy passionate about his Cubbies.  Maybe he really was there for you. I'd like to believe that.


In the meantime I'll look for your face in the clouds,




I'll listen for your bark in the middle of the night,



 I'll hope to see you in my dreams,






 and I'll try to feel your love when I need you the most.






 I hope I was there for you when you needed love and nurturing.  But you were there for me so much more. Thank you for that my little queen.

From your loving friend and lifetime companion!



The world is much more quiet today
everything seems as if time is slow motion,
very still

Your heart no longer beats
Your breath no longer rises and falls
Your eyes now absent
What's left is a shell
once a part of you.

If God is God
Then your soul has wings
 you have flown away
from  pain
from your body
but also from me

I release you and hope that my grief won't hold you back
If God is God
it won't.