Missing Lexy

As I was driving home from an early morning workout, that dull ache hit me like  when you swallow something bitter, not knowing it's bitter. I miss Lexy.  Moving slowly and not having a lot of tolerance lately I realize it's just grief.  So on the way home I was able to cry a little. As I looked up at the morning sun coloring the sky, I saw a sort of arrow shaped cloud. It reminded me of Lexy and how fast she used to run.  How she LOVED to run  and jump.  The cloud seemed to follow me. I hope it was her letting me know she's whole again.

I miss her so badly.




 But I started missing her when she was going down hill. I didn't think about missing her then, my mind was only focused on making her comfortable and trying to find ways to help her with now uncontrollable bladder.

She wasn't a cuddler. She didn't warm up to people quickly at all. She would have happily lived without them, But not me. I was her savior. Saving her from horrible abuse.  I think she was always very grateful for that. Before me she lived a very painful life. Someone brought her and her male companion to our church.  I tried to give her to a student of mine, but the mother brought her back as angry as hell. Apparently Lexy dug out a hole in her bathroom window trying to get out. The woman kept her in the bathroom all day while no one was home. Lexy wasn't having that.  So that was that, I brought her home. She'd throw up in the car each time she would go anywhere with us. I had to put her on doggie anti-depressants. I had a little school in the second story of the church where she was originally  brought with her little friend.  Once when I took her to work with me she went to the place where she had last seen her friend.  She spent quite a while sniffing and look ing for him. It was just sad. It seemed though, that I knew what was going on her head.  Right after I took her home for good, I knew she had to be fixed When the doctor opened her to neuter her, there were puppies.  How tragic is that?  I think she fell into a depression because of losing her puppies.


 I just sort of knew.






I tried to give her good, relatively happy life and I think I succeeded. She was most happy when she was running. She didn't need a lot of petting or physical contact, but she had to be right there next to me.  In the end, I would cuddle her a little when I would pick her up to take her back to her bed.  I would sometimes lay on the floor and say her name in her ear in a high tone; it seemed like she heard it.  I miss her and wish I would have held her more before she died.

It's just dull.  It's not sharp. The pain that is. The missing her thing...it's dull and achey like arthritis.  When I was young the stupid adults back then didn't put emphasis on how very important our four legged family members were. As a matter of fact they didn't consider them family members, just animals that were to be kept outside. I mean sure there might have been some exceptions, but not many I remember having a couple over one very cold, snowy evening.  There was dog shit in our front yard.  We weren't able to clear it very well. The woman actually said she was offended by the dog shit. I never quit thinking of that and her insensitive comment.  For God's sake, it's my home, just leave then, right?  Today I would have told her to go home and never come back .

I miss Lexy.  I'm doing things slower and a every now and then it hits me.  I wish I would have done so much more.  I loved that dog.