Finding Your Way Home!!!

Jesus said, " Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’There is no commandment greater than these.”


There was a time in my life, which wasn't so very long ago, where I realized I didn't even know myself, let alone love myself.  How can you love someone you don't know? I found a fantastic counselor and thus began my long journey to find out if I liked me.  First, I asked myself what really makes me happy?  I had to dig deep to see if I was actually telling the truth too.  At times I would just sort of do things because I felt that's the way life is "supposed" to be, that's what I'm "supposed" to want, and this is the way I am "supposed" to live.  The list goes on.  





But one day, I realized it wasn't working.  I still disliked people, (I would always go for prayer at church so God would give me the ability to love people.  They annoyed me constantly!) I found out that all the stuff that I "thought" was supposed to make me happy really didn't, and I began believing that I could never be the person I really wanted to be.



I would look at beautiful women and think to myself that I was "once" like that, but I'm older, and it's okay, I will never be thin and beautiful again.  I would reason that I had other qualities that were just as attractive.  And I sort of did, but I always fought the idea of my desire to be beautiful because I felt it was very vain, and not very virtuous. So I gained weight, a lot of weight.  The downhill slide was going faster as the years went by and I was getting increasingly unhappier.  


Fortunately my life blew up in my face.  When it happened though, you wouldn't have been able to convince me that anything would turn out okay, let alone good.  It was one of the most painful things I've ever been through. The good news is that when I'm upset, really upset, like "feeling threatened" upset, I can't, for the life of me, eat.  Needless to say, I lost a lot of weight and began to enjoy my tiny new body even though my world was still pretty screwed up. 




I read so many self help books that I probably could have written my own.  And they all helped, they helped tremendously.  I started with a book by John Eldredge called "Sacred Romance".  My journey began and as I read, the light started to shine on my soul; I would learn  a little more about myself every time I read. 

The more I searched for peace, the more of myself I found.  




Some parts were very difficult to accept; but I knew I needed to accept even those parts of me, just as I was.  I had to learn to be my own best friend.  My amazing counselor gave me a great idea;  she told me to console myself when I felt down, alone and trapped in pain.  To talk to myself, or talk to the woman, young girl, or little girl that is hurting inside.  






That was an awkward idea for me to put my mind around.  Wise as she is, suggested that I talk to my hurting self the way I would one of my students, or my own children or grandchildren.  So I did....guess what????  Yep, you guessed it!  it worked.  


Sometimes I would get gobsmacked by an emotional uproar my husband and I would have and it was difficult to do, difficult to get in the role.  But I did, and I found out that I was, indeed, my own best friend.  


Another thing that really helped me was trying to see myself as others saw me when I was most insecure: a young girl.  It was interesting how it began.  Of course I would go over pictures of myself and see this young, vivacious, sassy girl and realize that she wasn't really that happy with herself.  She couldn't get outside of her own skin to even imagine how strong and beautiful she really was.




 Funny thing though, things have a way of happening just when you need them to happen.  A friend I had when I was twelve or thirteen found me via the internet.  










We started to connect again and began to reminisce.  She wrote once, in an email that I was the coolest friend she ever had and didn't know why she didn't let me know at the time.  But she always remembered me like that; "one of the coolest".  I actually was surprised at first that she had that opinion of me. I began realizing who I really was.  I started to see the sassiness I had and I liked it!

My family noticed this new "self interest" and frankly, didn't get it.  We'd  be having a conversation and I'd say something about me, or contribute to the subject with my feelings. Many times I would hear, "It's not about you".  Of course I wasn't so good at letting myself be heard and I made many mistakes.  The mistakes I made affected my family as they noticed my changes, but in the end, their patience and love for me helped me figure things out 



It's been twelve years since I first began the quest to find out who I really am.  It's been a good journey filled with all sorts of twists and turns. It hasn't turned out how I thought it would when I would pray for my emotional wounds to be healed.  It's turned out much better.  I never thought I'd be saying that.



I did a fantastic zumbathon today and saw a friend I haven't seen for while.  She is probably one of the most genuine, beautiful women I have ever known. 






 She's the type of friend that I can cut the small talk with, and get to the heart of the matter in a short amount of time.  She has started this journey of knowing herself, loving herself  and being her own best friend early; she's only in her mid thirties.  How fortunate is that??? I can tell she's totally on her way to what Carl Jung called "self actualization.




My advice to young women is never give up seeking truth; about the world, others, and themselves.  And when you find out who you are, the good the bad, the beautiful and the ugly......love yourself anyway, accept yourself just as you are.  That's what God does...God loves us just as we are and never, ever rejects any of our efforts to love and know him.  





I don't feel the need for prayer that I can love people anymore.  Now when I look at people, I see a reflection of myself.  Whether it's something not so easy to see, or whether it's a beautiful image of who I reall am; I have more compassion on others, on myself. So,with God's grace, we all will have a happy, peaceful ending to our story. 

Remembering???

My brother in law posted a video on facebook and I have to say, it spurred  something deep inside of me; almost like a long, lost memory.




  I suppose those "deep inside" feelings are there, crying, waiting, and longing for something to trigger  them to be set free with expression, and that is what this video did for me.  It showed the work of  a photographer who posed total strangers as if they were long lost lovers, brothers, sisters, family.




 The moral or essence of the story is that these total strangers, if only for a brief time, cared for one another as if they always have.  Just posing as if they were actually in these close relationships with one another, caused the feelings to emanate, allowed that love to be real if only for a short time.



Humanity is  a strange species isn't it?  Full of mystery, contradictions, love, hate, peace and war.  Although I am part of this curious collection of life, sometimes I feel uncomfortable in my own skin only because I see what could be, I see our potential for goodness...or maybe even the goodness that  was.  Who knows? And because I am a part of the human condition, my heart aches for what has become of us.  I know, I'm not being very positive here.




 Positivity is my motto.  It has to be or I'll go under. Yet tonight it isn't positive feelings that I'm experiencing.  It's a sort of nostalgia that seems to be flowing through my veins. It's almost like remembering better days.  It's like I've seen the best and the best is not yet to come, but only was.




I have no idea where that comes from, but I do have this mysterious feeling that humans, in all of their complexities, have, can or will be able to (if they try really hard) love one another and remember that we all belong to each other.

You know what? Sometimes I just need a pep talk!  Thanks kid!!!!

Reflections

Sometimes I have to start all over again on this sojourn of my life.




At least it seems as though I do. It seems as though I'm back at square one.


 But I know I'm not really.  It just feels that way.  Life has a way of letting things meet up with you that take you by surprise.  I have been enjoying so much outside of myself: my house, shopping etc.  Those joys are fading fast and I'm realizing, once again, that life is about one thing; relationships, loving and accepting, and of course being loved.  For no apparent reason I have been feeling a sense of dread.  You know that feeling when you just know things are not right, or that something dispiriting will happen? I personally think it's anxiety.  It's not a cordial feeling, not a healthy feeling, but if I try, I can maybe, just maybe, find some use in it.

Maybe, just maybe this feeling will cause me to go back to the roots in my heart and I will intentionally question the things that trigger the foreboding.




 I really think it's a drag to have to take my focus away from such pleasant things as a remodel, parties, and my wonderful life, and have to do some inner work of the soul.

Questioning myself  and asking myself why I feel the way I do when gloomy feelings arise and scare the you know what out of me, is like lancing an infection in my skin...very painful.





But when it's cleaned out, there is healing, and my energy returns. I always talk about being tenacious, and I view myself as strong and confident, but in the secret places of my being, there is that ole' antagonistic part of me that peers it's grey little head out from a hiding place in my soul and laughs, mocks and jeers at me. Sometimes it charges out instantly and totally freaks me ..other times, like lately, it ever so slowly creeps out, tiny step, by tiny step.  The aberrant element about this Antagonist is that the closer she gets to the exterior of my life, of my heart, the more prodigious she gets. And she brings with her a hovering grey cloud that sort of nests all around me, and sometimes even seeping into the depths of my soul.Her voice lulls me into a weary defeat when I haven't even fought.


The good news is, I know who I am.



Other factors may test that confidence, but they fail. There may be hidden shadows of myself that come up after being held down for a long time, but they are just that, shadows.  When the light of truth about me shines on those shadows, they disappear. That's why I am back at this starting place.

(dedicated to Sherry who always has comdedic relief to my drama)

Negative Ramblings On Society

I'm on a roll.  I'm angry about the stupid government shutdown........... I'm angry about animal cruelty............and............This is probably not a good time for me to write, as I'm so up in arms about the shape of society.  I really do try to keep my mind free of such upsetting and negative conditions. But by chance I read about a pit bull who, for some reason....probably the guidance of angels, wound up finding an animal lover to take her in.  This pit bull was used as bait for dog fights.  That means they filed her teeth down so she couldn't defend herself, tied a rope around her neck and used her to bring out other pit bulls aggression.  She was in bad shape when they found her.  Fortunately, she is doing much better and is loved by someone who will change what evil people did to her.


This totally triggered an angry helplessness in me about the torture of animals.  People I love turn their minds and hearts away from the fact that $%^#@*& corporations keep animals in such abhorrent conditions,





strictly to produce almost an impossible amount of food, or flesh or whatever you want to call it, so that humans can feed their greed.





 It is inhumane and obscene to say the least.  I'm not sure I'm opposed to the small farmer who does this in a humane way.  I know that fellow christians will say something to the effect that "God gave us the animals to eat, and do what we want.  Remember the scripture in Acts when God gave Peter the vision that he could eat it all?"  At about that point in our conversation I  say, "Remember that scripture in the bible that talks about how blood was shed ONLY because of sin."  That's right....God doesn't want us to eat animals.  It was us who sort of told God we wanted to do this and apparently he sort of said okay.  But I"m still not sold on that either. Especially if God is who I think he is.


And then of course the stupid government shutdown.  I swear, it's like school yard bullying.  It's disgusting. My husband, who is very political, says that the tea party clan "forced this".  And that may be true.  However, why not go to work anyway?  Why not just for once, break the rule and go?  At this point, if you were with me, I would be looking sad, disgusted and powerless, just shaking my head, or staring into space.

What I need to do is change my thoughts, look out my window where I'm sitting, at the beautiful clear blue sky, the wildness of the mountains, and maybe just sort of dwell on this.  Lately, at night, I wake up to the noises of coyotes, javelina's and other wild animals.  It's eery and seems to always be in a minor key.  Interesting that minor key! Yet it's a scary, beautiful sound that reminds me of something bigger and more iimportant than government or humans evil ways.

When I figured out that the coyote's killed my cat for food, I wanted to shoot every one of them in my sorrow.  But my friend Annette reminded me that they don't do it for spite...she said, "Peggy, they're hungry and desperate for food."




So be it. And yes, it's the circle of life..but it's not the circle of a corporation that is greedy and obese.

Ahhhh...redirecting my mind to positive ideas about this whole thing will be a challenge today.  Humans, we sure mess things up don't we?




Someday, maybe in the sweet bye and bye we will be free from the pain of bloodshed.  I believe that the dead can see us.  Some don't believe that.  I mean, I believe Jesus sees us and so the christian religion teaches that.  If he does, he has to be unhappy.  Why does he, as well as other dead people, if indeed they can see us, have to suffer because of our screw ups? Catholics believe in something called purgatory.  This is a place where dead people go to sort of see things more clearly and maybe make up for their screw ups here on earth. I've thought about that long and hard and can see that it's possible.

In any case I'll end on this scripture:

¶ The wolf shall dwell with the lamb,
and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat,
and the calf and the lion and the fattened calf together;
and a little child shall lead them.
Isaiah 11:6 

they say it's your birthday..well it's my birthday too yeah!

Sooooooooooo...it's that time of year again. The time that reminds me that I'm one more day closer to death than I was yesterday.  I know, I know..you may be thinking how negative that is...but it's true isn't it?  I mean none of us are here forever..at least not in this form.  If I died today people would be able to say that I lived a full life; some don't make it to this age.  Do I think about death..well yeah..I actually do.  I mean, I was lying in my hammock, looking up at our palm trees thinking that they're at least thirty years old.  Thinking that is how long it probably took them to grow so tall and beautiful.





I thought about the concept of thirty years. I thought about it because in the past, I wouldn't have.  I would have just wondered what sort of tree I could plant and see the fruit of it's growth in thirty years.  In thirty years I'll be in my 90's, that is if I live to be in my 90's.  Odds are that I won't because no one on my side of the family actually did live to be that old.


Okay, so where was I?  Oh yeah, my birthday is tomorrow.  Since I had my "epic birthday" two years ago my whole mentality has changed.  It hasn't changed intentionally, it just has changed. Before the epic, I would look at women in their 30's and say to myself with relatively strong confidence: "yeah, I can do that, or can be that or........whatever".   Now I don't do that.  I realize that there are some opportunites that are now gone.  I used to believe that my whole life was before me.  Because it was.  Now, subtly and ever so slowly, it has changed.  My life is mostly behind me.  Not to say that I don't have so much more to offer, because I know that I do...it's just...well...limited.


I love beauty and I love to be beautiful.  I have worked very hard at staying or becoming a beauity.  Maybe it was because my father always told me how beautiful I was. Once, when I was quite over weight, he offered me $1000 to  lose the weight.  I didn't though. But in any case, I do love to feel beautiful, sexy and young.  Now, after the epic...I realize the limitations of "beauty" and "young".  I am proud of my strength, I am grateful for my health, and I look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman.  Still...the end is near.  How near I'm not so sure...but it is near at least by twenty years.


As far as my inward beauty: I still care deeply for the children of this world..of this country.  I still have this gift, that I believe was given to me by God himself, to work with the young.  I am grateful that I am doing this and I am so grateful that for most of my life I have made a difference in a lot of young people's life.  I have loved them unconditionally and have tried to show them that they are the jewels of life...that their potential is limitless and is ahead of them.




Mine is not...


So, tomorrow I will celebrate the fact that 62 years ago, my mother pushed me out of her being and I gulped my first breath of this life.  It hasn't been easy breathing the air of this life..but it has been rich.  I realize the power that I was born with because I believe that I was created in the image of God.  But I also realize that God is more powerful and has been with me through ALL of this journey; loving me, trying to show me he is there, and feeling all of the feelings I have felt.  I am grateful for the revalation of faith..for the revalation of Jesus, whom I love.  I love him imperfectly...but I think he's okay with that.



This particular birthday is not "epic"...Frankly I think I'm done with "epic birthdays".  But it is, in fact, a reminder that life is a gift and that I  need to embrace it, because my days in this chapter of my being, are numbered.

Happy birthday to me!!!

Politics Lies and Religion

I'm going on a rant here...You have time to close this up and not read at alll; I wouldn't blame you if you did.  So here I go..........




I'm sick, really sick hearted at the hate I hear from so called christians; they're usually around my age, old and have had the vulnerability and idealism of youth washed out of their system for a while. I don't hear it so much from people under 45. I intentionally try not to read the news, or listen to political discussions anymore.  It's useless, not because there aren't legitimate points, but because they are so unbelievably hateful about it that when I'm finished, I feel as if I was in the middle of a dog fight

.  Someone very close to me posted on facebook how someone in her family is not getting the medication they need to ease their pain because of Obamacare.  To me that's bullshit.  It's propoganda from the greedy right wing. (I know..I sound as bad as they are only on the other end.)  These are people who profess to "love the lord with all their heart" are worried that  money will run out, the government will take it from them ..or someone else will get it instead of them. (Because it is their hard earned money dontchaknow.) I'm assuming they aren't taking seriously the whole teaching of Jesus.  I'm assuming they are not ready to sell all they have and give to the poor.


 But of course, the WHOLE bible is the literal word of God...so what do they do with that?

Another so called Christian man is more than hateful about our president on fb. (of course) Calling him a liar etc.  Does he forget that he had sexual relations with another woman other than his wife?  Does she know?  I dont't think so..at least not the full extent of it. God help me because I'm really fed up.  I want to follow Jesus, but I'm wondering about  label..."christian".  This same man who lied to his wife and to his friend called democrats "godless liberals"...So I guess I'm "godless". I've been kicked out of their club.




The religious right, or the tea party,  think they are the chosen and think that they are right, without a doubt.  I don't think they measure what they interpret through love.  Take the gay issue.  WOW...They fought gay rights tooth and nail, but didn't win.  Yet wait a minute; doesn't the bible say that God sets up who he wants to be the leader of our country?? Romans13:1  Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except by God’s appointment, and the authorities that exist have been instituted by God

I think my point is that when I signed up to follow Christ, I wanted to follow HIM.  He loved me so much he made a huge difference in my life, and still does to this day.




But it isn't because I allign him and his teachings with my political philosophy. (I think that's why Judas followed him and look what happened to Judas.) It isn't because I believe that if I follow him I'll live the American dream. I dont follow him so that I can develop a protestant work ethic in order to be buried  in a beautiful casket. (I'm donating my body to science because I think the funeral business is outrageous.)

I follow him because Jesus showed us the way to bring light into the world through love.  His life, death and resurrection was pure love being acted out.  That's why I follow him.


Personally, I think my dear friend who blames Obamacare on pretty much everything that goes wrong has been brain washed.  So have I.  I've been brainwashed by all that I allow myself to believe.  Whether it's former President George Bush, or President Obama, I will show them respect and honor because after all, God put them there, God wants them there.

It doesn't mean I can hold my tongue when something really baffles me and upsets me.  I'm working on it though. I wish I didn't feel this way.  I wish I could ignore things people say and not let it get to me.  But I can't.  it's not in me.  It gets me everytime..I'll end on this note!